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Hello Spyce
Thank you for replying back. Yes I know he is the problem and I am very angry at him. I really am. However I should have listened to him in the respect that he warned me what she is like and what she was doing. He called me recently before they got together and told me she was telling me a lot of things to hurt me. She took the opportunity to get back to him and she used my words against me. So I am angry at her for that. And she lied to him about what I was doing and saying.. So I am angry at them for different reasons. Yes more so her than him in the respect of her using my pain I guess against me. She even admitted she was stepping in on her own because she loved him. She lied to him about things I said and when he confronted me about them I of course denied what wasn’t true. She knew we were on very rocky ground and that is why she took advantage. Not meaning we were on rocky ground for a relationship but a friendship. He was my best friend for years. Now that is gone as well. I honestly should have known better. I mean what person thinking clearly would actually reach out to an ex of their ex? I was so hurt and lost and didn’t know what to think or believe so I wanted to see if their relationship was truly what he had said. Her version didn’t make sense more than his did. She said he was evil and was abusive and her daughter was afraid of him and hated him. She had to call the cops on him constantly. Well if that was true I would think he would have been in jail and why would she put herself and her daughter at risk if she truly believed that. She claims he will never change so why do it? I am not saying he didn’t lie to me. I don’t think I could ever trust either of them again. I am trying very hard to move on but she wouldn’t let me be for a bit so I blocked her. He has left me alone though. She just wanted to keep telling me step by step how they were doing and I didn’t want to hear it no more. So yes I am angry at him for what he did to me in our relationship but I am more angry at her for her trying to continue to hurt me while he was trying to warn me about her. I don’t know if any of this makes sense.
Thank you as always
Michelle
Hello Spyce
Thank you for checking on me. Things had escalated pretty bad. His ex had used me to weasel her way back to him and now they are together working things out. Eventually he will see what she did. She lied her way back to him. But it is what it is. I can’t change anything.
Thank you again
Michelle
Hello Spyce,
I just really wanted to thank you for listening to me and your guidance. I will get through this I know.
Michelle
Hello Spyce
Honestly I am barely holding it together to be honest but I am trying. I had started speaking to his ex before me to put pieces together but neither of their stories match and they don’t match with what his best friend has said. So I don’t know who is telling me the truth. I contacted William to find out the truth and he told me that I will believe her over him anyway. He was the one that finally admitted that he was with someone else and he apologized for it. But if he is really sorry about it I don’t know. I just asked him to please tell me the truth. But as I said he told me that I won’t believe him because his ex is a liar. He said he wants nothing to do with me yet he keeps responding to me. Of course before he said that I had told him I don’t want him in my life anymore (which I deeply regret) and that was his response to me. But I am just going to let him be which I already should have. I just don’t understand why he won’t just admit that I meant nothing to him and that’s why he left because that sure is how it feels. We’ve been down this road before without another girl involved. A part of me really wants him back but that is just the dumb part of me.
Other than that I am just dwelling on it to be honest and trying very hard not to. I have been cleaning and organizing. Unfortunately I have this week off of work which was supposed to be spent with him but I kind of wish I would have canceled my vacation so I wasn’t dwelling on this.
I know I will get through this but it is so hard with all the whay ifs and I can’t help but feel that I wasn’t good enough for him. I used to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that he is just going to leave me anyway. And he did.
Thanks
Michelle
Hello Spyce,
I am actually glad to be out of his life. I have learned so much about him the past couple of days. He moves from girl to girl. He has cheated on his ex wife and he is not at all who he says he is. I feel silly that I believed any of it.
Thank you though for helping me through all of this.
Michelle
Hero again Spyce,
Well all my questions were answered. He is with someone else. So now I have to move on.
Thank you for all your help
Michelle
Hello Spyce,
I did have a question, you had said that you are started to feel unkindly towards “William”. Is it because you think that he was stringing me along? I have so many mixed feelings about this anymore. I don’t want to give up on him still, but I don’t know. There was on situation that sticks out in my mind. When we had broken up the first time, and I was still living with him, I had reached out to an old friend. An exboyfriend actually. I had not done it to start anything because my heart completely belongs to William, but because my ex and I were good friends, and in a round about way are family through marriage. Sort of…long story. But he was someone I could trust. I had turned to him for advise and to see if there was something wrong with me. Plus I was hoping he knew of any apartments that were available since I was moving back to where I am originally from. It was purely innocent. But when William found out months later, he was extremely angry at me. I kind of don’t blame him. I never told him that he was my ex boyfriend, just an old friend, but by that time, my ex was starting to get the wrong idea, and since he is married, I cut ties with him simply because I do not believe in anyone cheating. I have been cheated on a few times, including the ex I had reached out to, and it is not a good feeling so I would never do that to anyone. However when I had found out from William that he was talking to someone now, I asked him if he had just used me. He got very defensive, and first said it was none of my business since there is no longer an us. I told him it was my business because he had told me that he could not be in a relationship, and that he didn’t go from girl to girl, and that he would always love me. He said basically so it was okay for me to do that, but not him, and he hung up on me. That was when he messaged me and told me that he never said he was in a relationship, and I was the only one saying that, and that is when he had told me to never contact him again. So I realize now that what I had done had upset him pretty bad, though it was only me reaching out to a friend. I do not have many, William was really the only person I was close to. I know what I did was wrong, but I don’t know then if he really is talking to someone or he just said that to hurt me. I just wish I could figure all this out. I know that I need to give him his space. He keeps asking for it, but I kept texting him, and he told me I was pushing him away. I just freaked out when he ended it, and told me this time was different, because it just hurt. He said he needed to fix his life before he could be in a relationship, and that was why him talking to someone was just a bad blow to me. I mean it could be just as innocent as mine was, but I guess I may never know. A part of me feels I need to know the truth about that so that I can heal, but I doubt I ever will know the truth for that. I know I need to look at this as he is someone who I don’t need or want in my life, but he had fit every one of my needs in so many ways. Minus the on and off when we were good, it was almost perfect.
Thank you again,
Michelle
Hello Spyce,
Thank you again for your help. I know that I have to move on. I actually had never given up anything while I was with him, because he had always wanted me to do what I wanted to do in respect of what I enjoyed, so that is a plus. I know I sound like a broken record, but do you see any hope at all for us to one day reconcile. I don’t know why I can’t stop hoping. And I have not heard back from my email, but I was not expecting to either. I guess I just really want to believe that he had meant everything he said, and it bothers me more how close we were as friends for so long, and then now I have lost that friendship as well.
Thank you,
Michelle
Hello Spyce,
Thank you for the advice. I did email him. Don’t really know if I said the right things. I basically apologized for getting so angry about him talking to someone else. I told him that I only want him to be happy. I told him that I am hoping one day that he will reach out to me, and at least open a door to at least a friendship. I told him that I will always be there for him. I am not certain what I should have said. I just know in a way how he works, and he will not respond. He has told me before that if he doesn’t know what to say, he will not respond. I guess all I can do is wait and see if he will. I just told him that at least his friendship means more to me than anything. And that is the truth. As hard as it will be to be just friends, I do at least want that due to what he means to me.
It was funny that you said that him telling me that him saying that he was talking to someone was a tactic, because that was exactly what I had thought after the initial shock. I did overreact, and I told him off via text. And his reply was pretty much that he had never said that he was in a relationship, and that I am the only saying that. Then he said to never contact him again. So, I guess as hard as it is I will have to just let go for now. I truly hope that you are right that it was just a tactic. Because if he really has moved onto someone else that means everything he has ever told me was a lie. Meaning he said that he never moves on from relationship to relationship, and that he is not ready to be in one now, or possibly ever, and that he will always love me. So, I will give it time, and just wait I guess. One question, how long should I wait to hear back to just assume I never will again? I don’t think I can ever give up fully on hope that one day he will walk back into my life, but I just don’t know what to do. I’m sorry
Thank you for your help as always,
Michelle
Hello Spyce
I guess there really is no point to the questions I have asked. We got into an argument tonight and he told me that he is talking to someone else and that there is no us. So I guess I have to just give up now. He also told me to not contact him anymore. So that answered that.
Thank you for trying to help me though.
Michelle
Hello Spyce,
Thank you again for replying back. I am going to be honest about your last question, what would help me now is the answers he cannot give me. Or doesn’t want to. I just don’t know the difference. I know that sounds dumb, but that would help. At least that is the place that I am at. I just know if I keep asking him that, I am pushing him away further than I already have. I know that I need to give him space, but I am scared that he will just never speak to me again and find someone else. I know all of that sounds so childish, and I have more things to worry about. I just cant get out of my head that I am not good enough for him. He keeps telling me that I am a wonderful, nice woman who many good men will treat me better than he does, and that is what I deserve. I have asked him if he really felt that way, then why would he just want to walk away. He said because he can’t do that for me right now, and he doesn’t want to hold me back. I just don’t know if he is only saying those things. He has always come across as an honest person to me, but I mean if people really love someone how could they walk away so easily? That is what I just don’t understand. Not that I want him to feel anywhere near as awful as I do, but I just wish I could know if this really does hurt him, or he just got bored with me or something. Not that he ever showed me that. We actually had gotten closer, and then this just happened, literally overnight. He had slept at my home, and the next morning it was just over.
He has done counseling through the VA. He has tried reaching out to them, but they haven’t been able to get him in. He has tried everything he could think of to try to “fix” himself, but he mentally has only gotten worse. He had told me that when he is with me, a lot of his anxiety goes away, and he is all around better. But, he tends to stay in his mind, and think of all the worse possible things. He has admitted to me recently that he had overreacted on certain things. He said he has never done that, and he has never felt jealousy in his life. But he feels all that with me, and it does scare him. He was engaged to his last girlfriend because she kept asking him. I had asked him why he would even stay with someone that long (5 years) if he didn’t love them as he claims but will not stay with someone he supposedly loves. He had told me because he had not cared. He said that it wasn’t that he didn’t care about her, but he didn’t care if she stayed or left. He said with me, he cared so much that he didn’t know how to handle it if I were to leave. One time he had told me that he couldn’t be with me anymore because he wouldn’t let me hurt him. He said that I had never shown any signs of leaving him, but he just can’t get it out of his head. He has always had a guard up, and built a wall around himself. He said that I was the only one that was able to ever get through both. Now, he has it all back up, and he told me it is his defenses kicking in.
I know that you have heard it all, but what would you normally tell someone that this has happened to. Would you just tell them to give up and move on? Or if the love really is there for both parties, is there possibly any hope left? I know not now, but possibly later on? I know you only hear my side, and I am trying to give you his from what he has said to me. If there is any hope, what can I do? My friend told me to just show him that I am still here, even as just a friend, and give him his space. The problem is, I don’t know how to be just a friend to someone that I am in love with. But I do want to be there for him, because in the end, I don’t want to loose him out of my life completely. I am so confused, and hurt so bad, and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Thank you again for listening.
Michelle
Hello again. There were a couple of things that I had forgotten to mention about William. A little over a month ago he had told me that his days were getting harder. He had told me that little things such as tying his shows were starting to become a struggle and he kept saying he didn’t know how much longer he could take it. He said however that when he was physically around me his anxiety levels dropped a lot and he had almost no anxiety. But when he is not with me it is getting worse.
The last time we had talked on the phone about “us” he ended up hanging up on me near tears saying he just can’t do this right now.
Sorry I didn’t know if that would explain more.
Thank you again.
Michelle
Hello Spyce,
First I wanted to thank you for replying back. I didn’t put too much information, because I am the type of person that feels like I am bothering people when I reach out for help.
The person that I am in love with, we had first started off as really good friends. We had a deep connection. We could talk to each other about anything and everything. In the midst of that friendship, we fell in love, not knowing at all how the other felt about each other. Plus as I said before, I was with someone, and he was married. At the time I was 29 and he was 27 when he had enlisted in the army. It was his going away party that he had kissed me. I had assumed it was a drunken mistake on his half to be honest. He later told me before we actually started dating, that he had wanted to tell me how he felt before he left for the army, how he had truly felt about me, but instead of words it came out as a kiss. Before I had left that night, he wanted to talk to me about it, but a mutual friend of ours would not leave us alone so the night ended with him not telling me, and me thinking he was just drunk for many years.
A couple of months later, he came up to the place we both had worked at (that is how we met) to see me, but co workers and other things had gotten in the way, so we couldn’t talk. We just smiled and waved. I had to go into a personal meeting, and when I had come out of it, he had already left. I believe he had to catch a flight to where he was stationed at, and I had missed him by about 1 or 2 minutes.
So he was in the army for about 6 – 7 years. He had talked to mutual friends of ours to see how I was doing, and I had done the same, but no one ever thought to tell us that we were asking about each other. While he was in the army, he had gotten his divorce which he was in the process of starting when he had left, but no one knew that his wife and him were even having marital problems.
When he came back from the army he was mentally and physically hurt. He came back with a broken back, and his pancreas is damaged beyond repair. They were able to fix his back, but due to his pancreas he has become diabetic, and has had to change his whole life style. He had told me that he was in no shape to even consider being in a relationship with no one. He had thought several times of picking up the phone, and calling me, but knew he wasn’t ready for that. He had almost died a few times due to his health and also do to the fact that he was drinking himself to death he said on purpose. However, the doctors kept saving him though he had kept trying. Of course he was diagnosed with PTSD.
What made him change his life around were his two children. He realized how much they needed him as well as he needed them. So he got himself better physically and became completely sober. Shortly after that is when we got back into touch the first time. However as before we were both seeing someone so our friendship came to a quick close when his girlfriend became angry that he would talk to another woman even though we were only friends, and still didn’t really know how deeply we had felt for each other. Though, he did admit to having a “crush” on me when we had worked together.
So we had lost touch yet again for another few years. When we started talking again was when all the true feelings came out.
While he was going through all of this is when I had my children. I had been with the guy for 12 years before I had left him. He was an abusive (mostly mentally) alcoholic that had convinced me that I needed him, and when I just assumed he was right, was when we had my daughter. About 18 months later I had my son. It took me awhile, but then I realized that I didn’t have just me too look out for anymore, and I had to get my children out of the situation. Shortly after I had left, he had started using herion. Then he had threatened to kill us if he ever saw us again. So we had a no contact order in place for a year. He has now been in and out of the kids live since then.
Once the man that I want to be with now (I will call him William), and I got back into touch, everything started to come out, and I was in a relationship that was loveless and ending. So the timing seemed to be right. Finally. I was in the process of moving out of the house I was in with the other guy. Again, it started of as a friendship with William, but this time, he said he didn’t want to hold in the feelings he had for me all of those years. When I shared mine, it was like falling in love all over again. Yes, I knew he was a different person, and yes, how I handled certain things were wrong with the guy that I was living with at the time, but again, it was loveless and he didn’t want to be a father to my children. I do feel terrible for how I handled that because that is out of character for me completely.
William and I had started talking again in April of 2020, and then started dating June 13th 2020. I moved in with him and my kids in July. Yes, it was probably way too fast, and there was probably too many things we had not known about each other which was both of our mistakes. He knew I had kids, and he knew the situation that I had with their dad. As soon as William and I ended up deciding we wanted to be together I had ended up ending it with the man I was with (who is not the kids dad). Really, I don’t date a lot at all. I know it probably sounds bad, but I had gone from my kids dad of 12 years, and was with no one for a couple. Then started dating the guy I was living with. That was really a blind date that didn’t end. He was my step mother’s best friends son, and I felt like I was kind of pressured into it. He was not who he seemed to be as soon as I moved in with him. And it was more of an arrangement that a relationship it seemed. Plus he had a roommate who never moved out, and he and my kids all had to share a room, so it was not a very good living situation either.
Things started to go kind of wrong with William as soon as I moved in due to a co worker of mine that is obssesive, and would make sly comments about William knowing that William could hear him. He would also start calling me at home, and texting me constantly about non work related things. I had to put a stop to it. So we got passed that, but it seemed like something always triggered in William some kind of anger. The situation with the kids dad was bad, and he also tried to make things worse between me and William. However, like with my co worker we worked through all that.
Living with William was hard at times, but when we communicated, it was really good. He had told me about his childhood. He had grown up being passed around from family member to family member. Just like his other brothers and sisters, so he had no stability. He grew up when he was with his parents anyway, in a very abusive environment. He never had love or stability. His marriage he had when I first met him was because she had gotten pregnant. He had wanted to do the right thing and marry her. He had tried to make that work, but he said it was more like a business deal. He worked and made the money, and she raised the children. He said every relationship he had ever been in, he had never really loved the person.
He said with me it was different. He had never felt the way that he had with me. We could talk for hours and hours about nothing, and it was amazing. I mean we argued, maybe more than most, but we always had that connection that friendship at the end of the day. We had broken up while i was living with him, and I had moved out. However, we reconnected with each other not even a month later. I think part of it was because I just couldn’t let go. I don’t know. But we became even closer. He had told me that he had never felt love like this, and it scared him the feelings he was having. He had never been the type where he would find reasons to be angry so that it would not work. So we talked through all of this, and our connection got stronger.
Then just last weekend, he had thought that everything we had worked together for with getting my kids to not walk all over me was for nothing. They honestly don’t listen to me. He said he doesn’t have it in him anymore to start all over. He said that I seemed to have given up on important things that we had worked so hard together to fix. He said that we are just not the same people. He said he will always love me, but he feels we have no future together. And he left.
I talked to him about it two days later. He had come to my home to drop off a few things. I bagged up his stuff, and he told me to keep it here He had said that he doesn’t know what to do. He said that he doesn’t want this to end at all, but he is scared. He said that I had scared him away because he thought that I had given up on things. He said he doesn’t have it in him to do this again. He also told me that he has no answers for me for the future. He said that he will always love me, but right now, he just can’t see a future for us. He said that he doesn’t want to loose me completely, and that he is not going to just disappear. He keeps telling me how special I am to him, but that I deserve someone who will make me happy, and will not keep doing this on and off. He said that this isn’t him either, but he also pointed out that he has never been in love, and it scares him. He doesn’t want me to hurt him. He said he couldn’t take that. He is convinced that he is unable to be in an “adult” relationship, because he doesn’t know how to deal with this and not get the thought out of his head that I am going to hurt him. He said the usual of it is me not you. However, he is a very blunt person, and doesn’t ever say what he thinks other people will want to hear. He told me he can’t answer questions about the future. He said that I should live my life, and not let him hold me back from being happy. He keeps saying that is not fair for me. He said five years from now, he could be better, but then again, he could be worse. He just doesn’t want me to wait around for him, because it doesn’t feel right to him to ask that. I keep telling him that he is what makes me happy. But he doesn’t see it. He said I deserve so much better, and all he does is cause me pain. He said that is something that he now has to deal with meaning what he has caused for me. I hope that makes sense. He said he doesn’t even know how to do that. He said that how can he make anyone else happy when he can’t even make himself happy, and he hates himself. He said he can’t stand to see what he has done/doing to me.
I’m sorry this is so long. I had talked to him via text today. He told me that I have to find what makes me happy, and to get over this. I had asked him if he even missed me. He told me is no longer going to answer these types of questions because it isn’t healthy for us. Our anniversary would have been this coming Sunday. I had asked him to meet me where we had “met” again to talk, as friends. This was a few days ago. He had told me that to meet on our anniversary where we started dating is not a friendship. I get that. But does it mean something at all that he is not referring to it as what would have been our anniversary to saying our anniversary….I know I am reaching. I just am having a real hard time dealing with this because I do feel like I am whole when he is in my life. He had told me also that we both have a lot of things that we have to work on before we can even discuss possibly reopening this door. He has me so confused because one day it’s no, and then he will say something like that.
During our conversation via text today, I did finally get out of him when I had asked him if he had actually gotten over this, he had told me that he is not a machine and he can’t get over this that easily or quickly. I had asked him if we could meet only so that I could give him back the things he had not taken when he had first said that he didn’t want it to be over. He said that he just couldn’t do that right now. TO be honest I was waiting for a if you don’t want them then just throw them out.
He claims he wants me to be in his life in some way, that he doesn’t want to loose me completely, but he said that when I start seeing someone else, it will hurt him too much. The few people that I have talked to about this said to give him his space. People that know us know how happy we make each other. I believe that we are compatible in many ways, but not in every way of course. Our parenting skills are I think where we butt heads. He is very strict, and I am really bad at discipline. I have a defiant daughter who I admit I give in too way too much to stop an argument. Together though, we had made it a good match. When I would discipline her, and she would not listen is when he would step in. He had to step in less and less after awhile when we had lived together However, they had just recently gone through something really bad with their dad, and it has effected my daughter. So I felt sorry for her….that is when the trouble started, and that is when William thought I gave up. But really I was working behind the scenes to get her into counseling. But I have a tendency to not always tell him exactly where in the process I am with it. So he thought I was doing nothing. He just got scared that this was going to be how the rest of his life would be. Me giving up on things that mattered, and him having to pick up the pieces. On all other aspects we agree on everything. I know it sounds silly, but we like the same foods, we like the same shows and movies. He is highly into cars. That is his passion. Where he lives now, he doesn’t have a garage, so he can’t just go in his garage, and let out his frustrations while doing his hobby which is fixing up cars. He doesn’t have an outlet, and I know that doesn’t help.
You had asked me what I love about him. It is simply I just love him for who he is. I love how we can just sit and talk for hours, and the time just slips away. I don’t know how really to explain it. I know he has a lot of problems that he will need to work on, and so do I, but my life just never feels complete unless he is somehow in it. I knew that when I was only friends with him. He had told me that he had referred to me as the one who got away. He told his best friend this before we had even started talking again this last time. He said that he had thought about me throughout the years, and I had done the same. I just love him deeply despite all of his flaws. He made me laugh and smile and feel something I have never been able to feel with anyone. I am almost 42 years old, not that that matters, but I have waited this long to feel this, and I just can’t believe that I had to screw it up this bad.
I really am sorry for the length of this. I just don’t know where to go from here. I just know that I feel truly empty without him. He had told me that this time that we had split, it just hurts. There is no anger left. It just hurts him deeply. And he doesn’t know what that means.
Thank you so much for listening..well reading
Michelle
