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Thank you Heidi. It’s been days since my last post and am still in peace. I’m grateful for a soft landing. My ex and I are back to talking and even hanging out. We don’t engage in us conversations, only work and family matters. I’m so happy that I’m not seeking answers from him anymore, I’m so done with us as a couple and taking on the role as a friend. He seems very comfortable with the new relationship. I’m 60% done with packing so we are still on target. I think I can even remain a friend after I move out, we’ll see. One day at a time.
I’m very interested in the referral to your friend and therapist. Please email me her contact information. I need a way to connect with my mother. I want her to know the other side of me, get closer to her.
Thank you Heidi, you are doing God’s work on this forum, spreading love and lifting us. You and your colleagues help us with managing traumatic experiences, everyday without fail. That kind of responsibility likely at times, weighs heavily on you. Take good care and thank you!
I did get out of our shared apartment and slept on a couch at one of my friend’s who is currently on travel. It’s been 4 days, in the dark — reading, researching to better understand the process and learn from other’s experience. Their journey and stories and the guidance from the coaches on this forum, helped me better understand what I’m going through and why I’m feeling the way I do. Sooo helpful! Today, I’m ready to go on a walk, return to the shared apartment to continue packing. I’m in a good place. I’ve accepted the why it didn’t work and am ready to move forward, a stronger, more confident person. I don’t know how long this feeling of peace is going to last, but if I start the grievance cycle again, I will again take steps of clear my head. I am hopeful and grateful for the experience. I am grateful for meeting him and the fact that he was truthful about his feelings, he never lied, and never played mind games. I know the breakup hurt him too, for different reasons and in a different way, and I wish there was a way I could help him. This feeling of wanting to help him, let’s me know that I hold no ill feelings against him and that I understand breakups are a necessary evil when two people are in different phases of life. Can you tell this is not my first rodeo?
Regarding my family Heidi, you are absolutely right. I think I’m going to seek professional help to make sure I’m not carrying negative baggage. My mom in particular is VERY controlling. But I honor her everyday. She has a huge heart and is a devoted spiritual person…but she will not accept her kids deviating from she perceives as harmful for us or against the scripture. For example, if I dare drink alcohol, it better not be in front of her. In fact, she doesn’t even know I occasionally drink. I’ve always been an honor student, and when one of my brothers asked mom why she was not excited about me graduating from college with a 4.0 GPA, she responded — because she’s smart and I expect those grades from her. I understood early in my childhood that I shouldn’t let her down. Not because she would punish or hit me, but because to do so would disappoint her. All my life, this is exactly what I continue to do…never let her see my weaknesses or failures. This is highly dysfunctional but I’ve never (until now) had stopped to consider it. My friends did at times make fun of me when I told them that I had to go dry (alcohol) while I visited mom, they could not understand why at the age of 50, I could not drink in front of her. I always excused it all with “it’s only one week,” no sweat. I don’t want anyone reading this post to misunderstand, my mother is AWESOME. She is a control freak though. Any recommendations on books or therapies that can help me look behind this dysfunction?
By the way Heidi, I respectfully disagree that not introducing him to my family until after the two-three year mark (which is my measure of stability) or after I at least get to experience the reaction to a life stressor, is dysfunctional at all. This guy is VERY polished (never argues, never complains, but yet…I always felt like I needed to step up my game). I had a gut feeling that I needed to wait for the other shoe to drop. I can’t really explain my reservation. Frankly, this is exactly how I dodged the bullet this time. I don’t like extending our relationship to include the family for many reasons (emotional toll of family critics, etc.), in fact, I objected to meeting his family so soon; he insisted and I caved. He just needed to find a reason to end it and he used that as an excuse.
That’s the problem with not knowing the “why” of the isolation and later the end of the relationship. It could be 1000 things but all lead to the same outcome, the loss of this relationship. I don’t stalk him on social media, I don’t text him, I do respond to his texts when he checks up on me with short courteous responses. I do not plea and I do keep my word, I’ve started to move my things out to storage, looking for a new place. I know that after 6/30, at the end of the lease, I will not keep in touch with him. That is my way of staying sane. He wants to remain friends but I need to recover. I have to think about myself and he needs to do that same.
The grieving process is a torture though. I’ve got the mind-reversal mantra “he doesn’t love me, he never did, and he never will” I’ve used in the past from the book “there is life after what’s his name” by Susan Russo. In a nutshell, that is the sum total of this relationship, he just never really loved me.
On an intellectual level, I fully understand. But I’m in the middle of the emotional storm and can’t find my way out. It’s through forums like this where the commenter is not in the middle of highly emotional situation that s/he is able to see the issue as clear as day. Thank you for helping me pick up the pieces, one more time, and start the journey all over again…ugh! Seriously, I’m so ready to throw in the towel, be done with the search for love! But as you so eloquently put it Heidi, I have to earn the right to experience love at that level…I sure hope its attainable!
I’m a middle child and always fought for attention and validation from my parents. Always looking for love. I’ve read through other posts and guidance on this site and can relate to a lot of people who are making similar mistakes, we just don’t love ourselves enough. I was taken by his love for me (the fantasy) and was ready to have him fill the void in my heart. But as you have told other posters here, that love has to come from ourselves. We cannot love if we have no love to offer. The dysfunction is the belief that there is someone out there, that can fit my view of “love.” What he gave me was in fact, a fantasy. How does he, in just a few months, profess his love for me, ask me to marry him, introduce me to his kids and family, only to a couple of months later, isolate himself so much, that I had to break it off with me (feeling rejected). I wanted to mend things with him but he is no longer interested in the relationship (he has told me so). So when I listened to the His Secret Obsession, I thought perhaps it was that I just did not thank him enough, or that I just did no work in becoming part of his purpose in life; but in looking at in from a different perspective, I think that I should just let this relationship go. I think we are both stuck in our own stories and we need to work on ourselves before we enter into a new relationship. The thing is, he has been able to keep two long term relationships (one lasted 16 years and the other 12 years) before we got together. I on the other had, was married for 12 years, 20 years ago and since have not been able to hold a relationship longer than 2 years. I wonder if he is right about running away from me and I’m the one with the problem? I do a lot of introspection to “fix” my faults but I had little idea of how starved I was for love that I am willing to settle just to have him back? Don’t really know how to self-help but I think the question about whether to fight for him or not is answered. He is not interested in a relationship with me and why should I fight for a person who does not feel enough love to also join me in recovery? I just need to make sense of it all.
My mistakes as I understand them from the “hero complex” and not to thank my partner when he is doing something loving for me like buying me flowers, or opening the car door for me, etc. I’m also very independent and always did things for myself, never asked him for help, I now know I should. In my current relationship, when I noticed him isolate, I wanted his attention and engaged in negative behaviors to get his attention. He is constantly concerned about work (police officer) and all the drama on the streets and I often dismissed his concerns in an “attempt” to fix rather than just listen. I thought “communication” was the solution but based on my new found guidance from James Bauer, this is not the case. It is connecting his purpose to me and seeking out the hero in him. I never have practiced that with a partner. Perhaps this may turn things around for me?
