[Laura R]

Thanks once again—y’all have no idea how much I appreciate everything y’all do!

Definitely I have seen his downfall for a while and had tried what I could to help inspire him to get better. As I noted he and we were at a great point, but alas he made his choices and now we are here. Every day i am making a note of one way he’s not been good for me to help reinforce I’m doing the right thing; one that hit me last night was that he has no independence whatsoever and wouldn’t be able to make it without his parents.

He did call me last night about my help request, and he actually did help me with my work issue but after that it was straight back to how his life sucks. His anger with his work was obvious and hate of his self bled through as well. I did follow up with a thank you text, and he responded about the weather but since then nothing. I think it’s a good point to stop because he knows what he lost and for me, I’ve truly given everything and I refuse to give further.

At this point, talking to him only gives me grief and a bit of unnecessary pain. It’s one sided for him so he takes all of the pleasure and control which isn’t fair nor appropriate in any type of relationship. I shall keep rereading yalls responses as my mantras each day :3 I also appreciate your compliment! I strive for the best me every day :3

[Laura R]

Thanks to both of you all!!! :3 I’ve really enjoyed having a space to get it out through this healing process and have wonderfully truthful advice!!! You were so right about his realizations.

I have to admit, two nights ago I broke down and talked a bit when he sent a nice message thanking me and he was admitting his faults. However, I found out he was drunk (a problem of his I didn’t like) and the conversation turned right back to all about him. He talked about not having any food (freezer was left open) so I offered to bring him food like a dummy. He had to go to work a few hours later and work in the sun on one of the hottest days so far, so I really was worried he would accidentally harm his self.

He said yes then no then yes then no then ok, so I brought over water, Gatorade, and his favorite McDonalds meal. It was super weird walking back into the house I had just left a week prior, and I saw he still had the things I’d left behind (minus a bear) of us. He talked all about his self, and when I mentioned I’d lost 15 pounds he freaked out and demanded how and why. He broke down 10 minutes of me being in the house and held on to me for 15 minutes as he talked to me. He convinced me to lie in bed then after a while he made me like his doll (moved me and such where he wanted). It was definitely a weird hour where he tried everything to get me to sleep with him (sex or no sex) but I resisted. After a while he got the message then like a child, flipped over and pouted. I then wished him the best and went home. Our cats—now his—were stuck on me the entire time which hurt me more than it helped, but it was nice to see them and that the bond was still there.

I can’t believe in how a week I have been able to see him way clearer than before. I wasn’t attracted to him at all, but realized my feelings came from pity and old love for the old him. I feel kinda stupid for going the other night, but I’m also grateful I did because it shows that there is no way I could be with someone like that—nor do I deserve a self absorbed, lonely child as a significant other. Not once did he ask how was I doing, if I needed anything, how’s work, or anything else that showed he cared verbally (though his love language, physical, showed everything to me which was desperation from his end).

Since then, he sent me $20 to pay me back then it’s been short conversation on his side. I did ask for him to give me some advice today on something professional to try out the trick I learned in a module, but after that I need to stick to no contact for a while longer. The more time away, the more i am moving forward without him and seeing he was just a small character of my story.

[Laura R]

Funny enough he messaged me that night—asked was I off that day and then when it didn’t go through, he messaged me on Facebook saying it looked like I blocked him (I was out of the service area). I did cave in and texted very lightly, but it was all about him and after a few messages I realized it wasn’t going anywhere so I bid him a good night. Haven’t heard anything else since then, but I did reach out to his mom yesterday . It was a brief text but things were nice. I found some of his stuff and am going to meet his mom soon to get it to her.

Yes thanks for the advice to be outgoing. I definitely feel a lot better as I spent some time with a couple we used to go out with (before he suddenly cut them off) and have made a lot of progress on my place. It still hurts some but I did get onto a dating site to see where I am with my feelings and things-not looking for any type of serious relationship but I knew I had been checked out for a while due to the disrespect, yet I suppressed those feelings. I’m enjoying living again and didn’t realize how closed off I had become to help his butt.

Seriously thank you all for your support and for me to have a place to vent peacefully :3

[Laura R]

An update:

Saturday morning, he texted me to come in his room. I walked in, and he made noises until I sat on the bed by him. He didn’t say anything so eventually after I prodded him for what, we talked about the power being out. Then I got bored and walked out. He came in my room later randomly and announced he was showering, while staring down the pile I had made of the gifts he gave me. I moved everything out Saturday night while he was at work. His parents volunteered to help me, despite my reservations, and man they were MAD at him and were very upset I was moving. They had told him to try to fix things with me but he never did. He didn’t know I was leaving that night, but I found out he had went to the house despite it not being in his district (very unusual of him) in between my trips.

On the final trip, he called me randomly and his mom heard our conversation. He asked what I was doing, why I sounded like I did, complained about his sleeping, then asked if I was coming home that night. I told him no and said good bye. His mother cried because she knows he doesn’t want me to go but he won’t man up, and she doesn’t want me to leave either. I left him a card thanking him for everything and that I wished him the best, his parents helped me move everything, and during that time he texted me a picture of a half eaten cheeseburger on his lap saying fatass. I replied hours later vaguely and wished him a good night.

He came home to almost everything gone (his parents had me take way much more than I had planned to punish them they said) I assume and now it’s been radio silence. Even though I’ve thrown myself into my making my apartment a home, he’s been on my mind. I want to reach out, but I know better and that this is just habit plus he doesn’t deserve my time. Any tips on grounding ones self so I don’t break no contact? Or if he reaches out, how should I respond?

[Laura R]

Whoa! I am so excited to watch all of these and thank you so much for your communication and commitment to helping :3 I’ve been without power now for 12 some hours at his house (my plans were to be gone last night or tonight, but the rain and no power are making that slim) so it’s wonderful to have this distraction and empowerment as he sleeps soundly after coming in angry at the world at 3AM. His parents after two years of me being here and the power being off a lot had me over for the first time ever to watch TV at their house (they are a driveway apart and have a generator) and have been incredibly kind this morning too.

I get why a lot of people don’t want to leave. A part of me still doesn’t want to, but as I say all the time I’m too damn old to waste my time! It would be a waste of my time to continue investing in him, and it is not like he is investing in me anymore while he is still caught up in all of his messes. So it’s moot to remain here, and as far as a friendship I think he needs to be truly alone to learn these lessons as I was his only real friend. I’ll be an emergency contact but I have the power to decide about if it’s to that level or not.

[Laura R]

Whoa! You all are amazing!!! Thank you for your honest insight. I can’t wait to watch the video and continue to reread your advice to help strengthen myself so I don’t keep falling into this cycle with him.

As difficult as it is to admit all of that, everything y’all have said is correct. I think for now as noted I need to truly focus all of my energy into myself. I can help but I think I need to do it from very far away and not let him get his way with me any longer. Once I finally move out, I know this will be much easier and especially with yalls feedback. Again, thank you and I need to focus on ME first :3

[Laura R]

First of all, thank you SO much for your honesty and for taking the time to read that essay :3 You are quite right that the world has revolved around him forever and I got sucked right into doing that like the big dummy I am :,) I’ve not slept much and despite me trying to be better, I see I’ve made him more of a villain than I should. You’ve really opened my mind with your perspective and I have reread this a few times now so maybe I can kick myself into gear.

What is it that you want?
-A very good question! I think part of me wants the ability to have a pause button so I don’t have to destroy myself to move out. I know that me leaving is honestly the best, but it hurt to suddenly be kicked out of my home and have to leave behind 2 years of hard work over immaturity. In my perfect world, I would like to be able to step back slowly and we just move to causal while he sorts his self out. I want the man I saw come out and treated me right; not this boy who came out to kick me around and took over when things got rough.

And what do you get from him?
-When things were good with him, he worshipped the ground I walked on and proved through action how much he did love and care for me. I enjoyed his company so much whether we were at dinner or lying on the couch watching TV, and we were compatible on many levels that we had fun all of the time. He used to support me fiscally and emotionally, plus he was a physical love language dude which I adored as I am too. This past month with therapy we had really gotten amazing with communication so I was looking forward to being able to start having real conversations about anything outside of work and such.

Are they one and the same? Are they at all similar?
-Now that I’m writing it out…not really.

Is what he is giving you worth the pain that it’s causing you to get it?
-Nope not at all. That’s why I know as hard as it is, I have to leave and it’s unfortunate but I also have some blame here for investing much more into him than he ever did for me. I have been kinda checked out of the relationship for some time and had already been moving on with my life (ie finishing my two bachelors) with or without him. And clearly he doesn’t want to work on anything so he can have all he wants without any obligations.

Now I struggle with so many other choices: do I allow him to be friends like he wants and needs? How do I shut him off without feeling guilty if he hurts his self? Do I tell his boss, her husband, or confront her with the information (only reason I toy with this is because he is in public service so I hold those in high regard—this behavior goes against both of their oaths and as someone who was in this field, I feel obligated to call it out).

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