[Sono F]

Dear Heidi

Thank you for your comment.

I meditated on this matter for a few days, and I realised that I don’t even love him anymore.
I was looking at him with this idealised image of how he treated me sincerely.
But it’s gone.

It’s as if I was chewing on a gum that has lost its flavour, but I kept adding the flavour.

I will keep a distance from him because I get pulled in easily, but it’s not good for me.

I will moan for this lost properly which I didn’t do.
Then I will make a list of the quality of my ideal man (and yes,I want to feel special and important and a priority.) and keep my life entered on my own “happiness”.

Warmest regards.

[Sono F]

Hi, Heidi

Thank you for your warning comment.
And please excuse me if my message was confusing.

What I meant was, that since we are no longer together,
I don’t mind that he sees girls now. (I did sleep with a man 3 weeks ago)

But for a long term, no, I don’t want him to use me.

Now I am also open for the idea of Polyamour, as long as I am his primal girl friend, it’s ok for me.
I don’t really see marriage as important thing.The most important thing for me is to keep the relationship with compassions.

There is a big update for our situation.

Last Saturday, I went to see an exhibitions and I met up with many friends in common. We decided to have dinner together, we were already groupe of 12. Then he joined later on with a girl. Apparently one guy was going to the party together with them.

While the girl was in the toilet, I told him that I didn’t know he would be coming. He said it was nothing and talked about our Monday meeting. He said that he made double booking by error but mine was first that he would cancel it.

I also realised that this girl appeared on one of the photos of the shop he was building with his friends, and some of his close friends seem to know her already. Dose this mean she actually is a girl friend and he lied to me? I wondered.

Then I also noticed that he seems to not care much about her. Not many eye contacts, no flirting gesture at all. The girl was the same. He didn’t really introduced her to others either.

Before 3 of them left for the techno party, he repeated again, “I see you on Monday”

Then 3am, he sent me a text message “I would have loved to dance with you tonight”.

I got confused, because 3am for a Techno party is the best timing of it and it’s not a timing to send anyone this kind of mellow message.

So I called up a female friend in common. She knows him over 10 years so as her partner. They really are close friends. I asked her if she met the girl already. She saw her once, but confirmed me that she was not introduced as his girl friend. Apparently she also asked why he brings her with him if she is not his girl friend. He didn’t really reply clearly about it but insisted that she was not a girl friend. She was little angry with him “I don’t want him to introduce us his sex friend!” She said.

(When I was introduced he had contacted his friends before to tell that he was bringing me as his girl friend.)

So at least he was not lying to me. Then I told about this strange message at 3am. She also confirmed that the message is confusing.

Then the Monday came,
He texted me that he had a stomach ache, and I asked if he want to cancel. He said no. Then he had to meet someone at the shop for an estimation. The guy was really late, he suggested me to meet up with him at the shop.

I saw his close friends in common there, those who travelled together with us when we were together, who also know that we are no longer together. So he doesn’t mind them to know that we are still seeing each other and coming his home together.

On the way, I asked him why he sent me such a message at 3am. He said he was getting a water and had time “I just felt like it”. Not clear answer.

I asked him
“So if your girl friend coming to the summer festival?“
“If you want, I can let my ticket to her“

He said
“She is not coming and keep your ticket. She is not my girl friend!”
He seemed to be annoyed so I didn’t push further to ask “What is she then?”

By the time we went to his home, it was already 10:30pm.
I made dinner, and bleached his hair.

While he was out of the kitchen, I added one rabbit figurine to the last one he kept as “a memory of us”. He immediately noticed that I added one.

Later in the night on the bed, he asked me why I added a rabbit, I replied, “It’s a joke”.
(Maybe I could have said something like, “What do you think?” but I got little scared that he takes it too seriously.

As it was already late and he was still ill, we just slept.

The next morning, I asked him to cuddle me in his arms in the bed. He cuddled me and we went back to sleep together.

He had his eyes shut before I left, I put my nose to his, he asked me what I was doing and I said “Nothing” and I kissed him on his lips. He made no comment about it but before I left, He said he would keep me inform me about his hair.

I took the 2 rabbit figurines with me.

Then later that day, He sent me text :

“Thank you for yesterday”
“However some said that My hair is still Yellowish”

I didn’t reply to him, and then he sent me another texts a few hours later.

“Can you bleach my hair again?”
“If you like I can come to your place”

Does he know that you still have feelings for him? Does he know that you want to get back together?

He probably feels that I have a feeling for him but I never mentioned anything clear. The rabbits were a kind of a message, but I took them back.

I feel like we are both little confused.

Well at least I am confused.

Half of me want to forget about him and find a new guy, who wouldn’t mind hanging around with him as a friend.
Half of me want to get back together and have fun like we used to do with our friends.

He will be out of town for at least a week. I want to have a pose with my thoughts for now. It’s getting tiring.

I will do more meditations to clear my mind.

I used to feel fun imagining to be back together with him
but facing with him with a girl was not a fun at all.
(Though it’s probably good sign that he misses me while he was with her, if I want to get back together)

Thank you again for your kind message above.

[Sono F]

Hi,Heidi

Thank you for your warm comment.
As I became aware of my pas trauma, my old belief,I could say good bye to it!

With my ex, now we exchange messages and we see each other once a while.

I asked him to let me borrow his drill and wood cutter. He had a tight schedule and we couldn’t find a day to rent me, then I saw him in a gathering for a summer free party. He came to me with a big smile and he rent me his drill that he had it by hasard.

After a few hours, I had a time to discuss with him.
I told him that I was so grateful of how he loved me, and it helped me to realise that I could have some personal improvements. I would always love him for that.I was little drunk (Yes, I know I shouldn’t have) , so I hagged him while I was talking to him. He let me hug him.

When I went to his house to return the drill to him, I found out that he had his finger operated because of an accident.

Apparently he thought of contacting me because he needed to be accompanied by someone. He wanted to count on me, that’s a good sign, I think.

I rend him a hand to wash his dishes and left his home. I borrowed his wood cutter this time.

A week later, I went to return it to him.
I offered him cook his favorite meal. As he came home late, and it was after 11pm when we finished eating.
He offered me to watch some movies in his big screen he has in his salon. We watched a tv series for 2 hours, and it was late, so he offered me to stay at his home. I said I would sleep on the couch and he told me I could sleep on the bed with him. While I laid next to him, I felt aroused. I told him I felt a slight desire to him but I told him I wanted to stay friend with him. He said “we can have sex even when we are friends” so we did.

Next morning, he made me a coffee he talked about his current project and rent me his pico projector that I needed for my work.

After that, he didn’t contact me.
I called him to ask about his projector and he replied me in 1 second. Then he started sending me the pictures of his project and asked me my opinion about it. We communicate often now.

I know that he is seeing a girl tonight :

He mentioned the he would be going to Techno party.
I asked him if I could go with him, and he replied that he would be with someone, so it would be strange that if I came. I gasped, then send “Ah, with your girl friend?”
“No, not a girl friend but yes, a girl”
“Well, I will not bother your techno date, but it’s a shame because I really wanted to dance”
“I know , but there will be an another occasion”.

I will be seeing him on Next Monday to return his projector, and again I will be cooking his favorite meal for return.

He will probably suggest me to watch film together.
We will probably sleep on the same bed again.

If he asks to have sex with him, I will tell him that I would only do this with my boyfriend.

I don’t mind him sleeping with other girls but I don’t want to be his friend with benefits.

I still love him. If he didn’t love me and I loved him back, I wouldn’t have made my personal improvement. (Many programs helped me a lot. I am grateful to have found this site).

I know that It will hurt me if he keeps sleeping with me and use me to find “the one” and leave me for her.

So I need to make careful steps from now on.

[Sono F]

Hi, Coach Spyce

Yes, I feel that’s something I should do.

I mean that’s what I did.

I sent him a message with a cute cat showing his berry saying “ saying small hello to know if you have less problem with your digestion after 1 month treatment”.

(I forgot to tell he had a problem with his back and indigestion)

He responded in an hour with 😍 for the image of the cat.

“Thank you it’s better but I still have slight pain, I will go and see a doctor again”

“The current exhibition in your shop looks really good”

“Hey, I found a small rabbit figurine, I can come by and drop it tomorrow if you like”.

Then I asked him a favor to rent him some DIY tools. He said ok, but he needs them back immediately so he will figure out how to help me.

I guess I am on a good track.

I will continue on being Kind to him as well as being kind to me (I realized that I was reacting too sensitively from my past traumas so I am working on it(I affirm my unconditional love to myself everyday)), and see how it flows.

I do love him, but I started feeling like it’s not “a must” that we continue our relationship.

Anyway, I can’t thank you enough for your sincere and honest advices. It helped me a lot to see the things in different perspectives.

Best regards

Sono

[Sono F]

Dear Coach Spyce

Thank you for your honest comment.

“would you really want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, or is going to blame you for his negative emotions?”

The answer is No. but I feel that he did want to be with me. Even when he became distant, he kept trying to please me(ex sending me useful links for my business or cute pictures, or buying me cheese plate because I love cheese etc etc)

In general, He was not happy (more like depressed) in his life since his grand father died.
I have more feeling that he just needed some space to recover.

He did apologise when he said “I don’t need any complications in my life, I had enough with my ex”.
He must have felt that was not fair.

“What do I feel like I did that was anything that I regret and that you should have done differently?”

When he defended me against his friends, it touched my heart, but also it gave a strange side effect after.
When he voted for Neutral after he had defended me, it made me feel like he betrayed me. But I was more annoyed than I should be.
I topped up the anger I felt for My grand father and father who had never defended me.
My ex did mentioned that he wanted to lift a burden from my shoulders as I was already too much stressed with my job. I was burn out.

I got more attached (or being dependent) to him because I never had a man to defend me. It made me feel like he was the only one to rely on or I should rely on. I had a strange feeling that if I rely on a male friend for example, it made me feel like cheating.
(this feeling came from my past experience with very jealous ex, who I ended the relation when he beat me up for me not telling him that a male friend came to pick me up before going to a restaurant to join others)

“What is it exactly that I have changed or feel like I need to change?”

To not panic when a guy pulls away (or when people deny me in general, Since I have a strong character,it happens)
I need to be happy as I am alone, and do not rely someone else to make me happy.

The way I was attached with him, was not a healthy one.

It lead me in thes situation, I was not true to myself.

At the beginning of the relationship, I could easily say no to what I didn’t appreciate and talk about it.

“I need to please a guy to keep him”, this belief was given by my father with the undertone of “because you don’t worth”.
I don’t feel this way anymore, since I realised that I had this rooted in me.

I am now open to make mistakes if it came from the true me for hoping for good cause.
Because mistakes happens,

but I don’t want to make “wrong” mistakes coming from my fear or doubt,
which I did, and I think it was wrong.

I listed all thing I didn’t like and Like and I still love him.

But I am also open for a new relationship.

This is all I can think now.

Best

[Sono F]

Hi, Coach Spyce

Thank you for your reply.

There are a few things that I can think of:

He said that I keep talking about the same thing. (ex the problem of his friend’s business),
but for me, every time they changed their minds, it was a new subject.

I am in good term with their friends even after the discussion. But he might have felt uneasy about it.

I don’t think he has someone else. He was even taking antidepressants for his grand father’s death.

Another thing I noticed that he might have been feeling guilty against his ex, who he had spent 4 years(2 year dating,2 year living together). He quit her because he could’t stand her behaviour after she had miscarriage of his child.

He was concerned about a photo of us together posted on Facebook in January 2021 by a friend of his (He left her in January 2020).

One night when we got out of the car, he said coldly “walk fast it’s cold!”. As I was already tired of the all stress I had, it made me cry. So I stayed at the entrance of his apartment crying. He rushed into me and said “I don’t need any complications in my life, I had enough with my ex”. It shocked me. He did apologise a day after.

I also remember the way he reacted to my “sorry card” to apologise for what happened with his friends, he found it before I left, so he came to me in a very accusing mode. Once he found out that I just wanted to say sorry and thank you, he just said “you don’t need to be sorry”. But I think he was afraid that I was sending him a good-by letter.

I think I just didn’t give him enough space and time when he needed. So he made more distance.

And the day when we broke up, I really pushed him to say “Our relationship is not working anymore”.

Since then, I have been meditating, doing Yoga, and feeling great. I decided to count on the good things about my life and feel gratitude.

But I just have the feeling that if I didn’t push him and kept the distance he didn’t make the decision.

Today, I received a message from his freind for thanking me for a birthday wish. He also mentioned “Romain(that’s ex’s name) told me about you two, and I am sorry for the situation. But I really appreciate you a lot and happy to have met you. I hope we could run into each other sometimes in the future”.I almost wanted to ask how my ex told him about it. But I didn’t.

My ex replies messages(sometimes with jokes). He likes my posts of Facebook. I know that he doesn’t hate me.

He didn’t have enough feeling to continue that day, but feeling changes (like he decided to quit the business and went back) and if he can see how changed I am, maybe he changes his mind. Well that’s what I am hoping.

Do you think applying hero instinct will help me to re-attract my ex?

Thank you for your help!

[Author]

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