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On the days when they were good he made me feel safe, secure, like we could take on whatever we wanted. He made me feel desirable for who I was and not what I looked like. We had nothing but it felt like we had everything. He helped me find the strength I needed not to be pushed around and taken advantage of. It felt good, right, to be with him. He made me laugh in a way I hadn’t laughed in long time.
When we argued he would lash out and bring up the past as a way to hurt me and would accuse me of cheating on him with his dad (I swear I never did). He told me a lot of that had to do with his past relationships and similar behaviors his dad exhibited then and when I was there but his dad never came on to me or talked to me in anything other than a friendly matter and never if my ex wasn’t around.
He shows a lot of signs of PTSD with how he acts and talks when he would be in his head but I can’t fix that. I just hoped he would take extra efforts to find a way to heal from it all and learn to give me the benefit of the doubt like he always said he would. I do love and care about him in a way I haven’t about anyone before. I’m trying to find the right things to say that don’t push him away or lash out and actually get him to listen.
I do want to still be with him, but I’m not wanting to talk in the heat of the moment anymore, if that makes sense? He did text last night while I was trying to sleep and again this morning. Those texts are as follows.
Thank you for not responding I appreciate it. I hope you are having fun.
Isn’t it fun to do whatever you want?
Your welcome
Lmao. There was a balled up piece of toilet paper in the toilet this morning and it reminded me of you.This was my response:
I didn’t respond the other night because I was trying to sleep and I didn’t want to argueI didn’t acknowledge anything else. For the last couple of months he got it stuck in his head that I was sneaking out of bed to go and have sex with his dad. In the beginning I wasreassuring that I wasn’t and was understanding about why he felt that way but it kept getting worse until I started getting angry any time he started the accusa again. On top of other issues that were causing stress happening, it was a recipe for disaster. I want to work things out but I also don’t want to do it in the heat of the moment when both of us are angry or on the verge of being angry if that makes sense?
He also called. I didn’t answer, but he left me long voice mail that I will leave below. Sorry if it’s hard to understand, it’s voice to text and I apologize for the graphic language. Any advice on how to respond or if I should at all?
yeah I can’t answer my fucking phone calls but yeah you can sit and fuckin text everybody that I fucking know and fucking tell him a bunch of fucking bullshit And then you’re just going to bed at fucking midnight and then you sit here and cry to me about the fact that you always go to bed at 8:00 at night. Fuck you man, you never fucking reached out and called me, you never fucking sit there and fucking tell everybody fucking that you’re so fucking hurt and wounded and all that shit when I was walking around, I’m just a fucking piece of shit to you. Then you’re sitting here fucking crying to them about how you fucked up knowing god damn well you weren’t doing what you’re supposed to be doing anyways I bet you weren’t even fucking home last night. Tell me one thing and fucking doing another has always been your fucking ordeal and now you can’t even answer my phone call, you can’t tell me that you’re gonna be here fucking saturday, can’t tell me you’re gonna be here sunday cause you don’t have a fucking phone, you don’t have a fucking way to get ahold of me bullshit. You could have called anybody here and they would answer the fucking phone, parents have been in the phone book for fucking, 30 40 fucking years and you can’t talk and do this and you can’t do that then you sit there and cry to everybody else, you’re not fucking doing what you’re supposed to be doing, fucking telling them one thing and doing another fucking just so you can fucking get it back to me just so you can fucking come off as fucking innocent but you ain’t fucking innocent, never have that. I can’t fucking believe this is even fucking happening that you would tell a complete fucking stranger our fucking business that you would sit there and fucking constantly fucking lie to me and then make it seem like you fucking did this wrong and you did that wrong. But all it is is fucking bullshit because you assume that that person was with me or you assumed that fucking they were fucking already have talked to you and that’s what’s going on this bitch reached out to you other fucking ways. I’m pretty fucking sure and I’m pretty sure that this fucking emo went down when you were fucking sitting there, fucking asking fucking her this and asking her fucking that and telling her this and tell her that and it was just all made up fucking bullshit just so you can keep fucking doing your same fucking crap. This is so fucking stupid that fucking, I had to fucking sit here and deal with this
Update –
I sent me a text tonight calling me out that I had brought out issues up to a stranger (he knows this person and I understand that I shouldn’t have…) and mentioned adding a stranger on Facebook (I’m assuming it’s the same girl as the one who called me looking for him that I talked to).
I didn’t respond to his text so I don’t fall into another argument with him to further reinforce his bad feelings for me in the hopes of winning him back in the future.
I was worried about that, too, bending over backwards to ease him. It was putting me under a lot of stress and I was feeling anxious all the time, but over the last couple of days we’ve had a lot of time to hang out and he talked a little bit more about his past relationships. He had said at one point he was jumping from relationship to relationship to fill a void. I had asked him that I was worried I may be another girl that is just filling a void for him and asked if there was a part of him that felt like that’s all I was. He didn’t get mad or angry, and calmly said that he wasn’t using me to fill a void. He said he feels these emotions towards me on a deep level and that they don’t feel wrong, that they feel right.
He’s been talking a lot about a future with me in it and at one point this weekend even stated that I was the best girlfriend that he’s ever had. I didn’t ask him if I was or asking anything about our relationship and future to prompt this response. All that he mentioned this week was this he brought up on his own.
I assured him that I was truly grateful for him opening up to me and thanked him for it as well. I sat and listened and only asked questions as needed that weren’t invasive or personal as I told him that I won’t ask for anything that he wasn’t willing to share on his own.
He has also been listening when I talk about my past and many times he’s made the comment that he can understand a lot more why I act the way that I do and he is starting to see some of how his actions trigger me from past relationships and marriages. He has been acknowledging his behaviors and knows that they aren’t right and that he knows he has a ways to go to fight against triggers, and has thanked me for my patience while he works through his demons.
From past conversations, I feel that when he acts the way he does it’s his old self trying to push me away out of a habit he developed when past relationships were ending?
I’m trying to figure out ways to bring this up without making it feel like I’m pointing fingers or without him feeling triggered. I know in the past I’ve stated that if he’s in his head to let me know so I don’t push and cause him to lash out which works here and there, but last night I told him I wasstruggling with funds and he took that as me asking him for money and thinking that I’m giving money away to someone else (my ex who I have borrowed money to in the past or someone else. He still thinks during these times that I have someone else lined up and I’m going to leave him).
I want things to work but it’s a difficult slope at the moment to try and word things just right and somehow I say something the wrong way without meaning any harm. I’m not sure where we stand as of today because he asked me if it would be better if he didn’t take my car to work so I could get my stuff out of his mom and dad’s place but I got home from work and he did take my car plus he has his treatment tonight so he won’t be back until late. Not sure if this would be a win.
I could really use some advice if you’ve got any!
I do want him to be involved in decisions because I value his input. Sometimes what he says makes sense and he offers insight that I didn’t think about previously. As far as what I want for him, I want his trust. I know he’s got deeply rooted trust issues that he knows he needs to work on and is trying, but some days his mind runs wild and he let’s his insecurities and past trauma cloud his judgement.
When he gets to this point he becomes distant and doesn’t really say much so I show patience towards him. He hasn’t exploded lately so I’m wondering if he’s getting himself to the point now where he’s not saying anything right away and just letting everything play out in his head until he can get past it so it doesn’t create more issues?
Yes, this relationship between us is still new, just a little over a month since we decided we wanted to be together. He wound up calling me the day after all of that went down and came over to talk with me. He told me that he still wants this to work and said he wants to be a part of decisions and felt like I was going behind his back. I’m not sure how to take that, but I can understand how he wants to be involved in my life and me be involved in his.
I’m taking this one day at a time and taking what he has said to heart and working on giving him what he needs and what he asks of me. I know I have some growing to do yet and I’m working on changing my thought processes
Right now, I’m feeling so lost and broken. Last night he told me he couldn’t do this anymore and that he can’t handle the stress of me because he thinks I’m holding reserves for others. Things were great most of yesterday until I mentioned an ad I placed on Facebook marketplace to sell my car I don’t drive anymore because I can’t afford the repairs or the loan. He thinks I did it behind his back when I actually did it months ago before we started talking again. It slipped my mind and I can’t prove the day I posted it because Facebook won’t show it.
I really care about this man and I want things to work for us, but I don’t know what to do. I’m stepping back and not initiating contact because I know he doesn’t want to hear it. I got frustrated last night because it wasn’t the first time he’s thought this way, but he’s always been able to step back and sort his thoughts and apologize for accusing me but now he thinks that it’s all true just because I got frustrated and belive that I’m only mad because I got caught, which isn’t true.
I’m struggling right now.
I also want to add that when I’m with him, I do feel like we can get through anything. Times are tough right now between us for varying reasons, but we have been able to figure things out and working on plans we both talked about together.
And to reiterate how the break up with my ex happened, I told him that I couldn’t be in another relationship where I was nothing more than a bank so he could do what he wanted to do while having me as the provider, the caretaker and the maid. He knew I dealt with that with my first marriage and that I wasn’t going to do it again. Truthfully, I did leave him because of this new guy as well as the other reason I stated above. So it was a dual reason.
Sorry I’m just seeing this now! Let me answer some of your questions to give clarity. As for my ex, we are no longer in contact with my ex. He hasn’t been in contact with my ex for quite some time and has usually been the one to contact me even when they were still talking.
As far as what makes him stand out, it’s a multitude of things. He’s a hard worker who will do just about anything for anyone. He’s got a high sense of integrity. When he starts a project, he follows it through to the end. He’s very sweet and cares about everyone who is in life, even when they do him wrong. He’s funny and never fails to make me laugh, he’s spontaneous and knows how to have fun, he treats me like a queen and makes sure he knows how much he appreciates what I do for him even with things as simple as doing his laundry or running errands for him. These are just a few of the reasons of what makes me drawn to him.
The trickiest part and the reason why it’s scary is because of his past. He’s had a lot of heartache and issues over the course of his life (issues that most people would run from without a second thought) but when he talks to me about his past, I can feel my heart breaking for him. He’s been used and toyed with by the woman who have claimed to love him and it’s hard for him to trust people when he gets into his (including me because the back of his mind keeps telling him that I’m going to do the same thing to him that I did to my ex and leave him for someone else) When I see this side of him and hear him talk about it, I can see the side of him that he used to be when he was married to his wife in his earlier years (between 18 and 25). She started using meth and would cheat on him while he was working to provide for her and his son. He got divorced, gained custody of his son and moved on but he wound up starting to use himself.
He’s done things that he isn’t proud of and is working through his issues in treatment but when certain things happen, they trigger him and he hides behind the walls he’s built up. We’ve gotten in arguments and he’s said things that have hurt and after things have calmed down, he will become quiet and go to that place of vulnerability and explain that it’s hard for him to act right because he’s so terrified that I’m going to be the exact same way as his exes were and he doesn’t want to lose what he’s found in life and with me. He’s so used to shutting down and walking away when things take a turn because that’s what he had to do in past relationships. He’s struggling internally to regain who he used to be and it hurts to watch him battle whatever is going on in his head. I’ve seen him on his bad days but they only draw me closer to him because I’ve seen him and can feel who he truly is based on his actions and I want to help him see that he isn’t alone.
I’m fairly broken as well after 2 failed marriages before my recent ex and I know I’ve got a ways to go on my own but I can’t see a future without him. I’ve had crushes before him and I got into contact again but now when I look at those men, I don’t feel the same way. This guy is the one my mind focuses on whenever I think about my future and where I want to head. He’s the one I want by my side and I don’t even have to question why. I just know, if that makes sense.
