[Jennifer E]

Thank you for your comments.

First off, most people that know my situation have said I shouldn’t put up with the way things have been. I also wasn’t looking for a relationship when he and I met. We talked a few months before beginning to hang out together. I sometimes feel I should walk away, but to where? I wasn’t looking for a relationship, I still can’t picture being with anyone else and I really feel like he wants me around but is so scared he doesn’t know how to deal with it. I feel for now I want to wait and see what happens. A few weekends ago we went out on his boat and after he asked me to stay. We visited, sat close together but not touching and generally enjoyed each other’s company for hours. At the end of the evening he invited me into his embrace and held me awhile. Then there was a hug and kiss goodbye. The next two days we were very connected (he’s a delivery driver and his route is often my neighborhood so I can see him sometimes). Then he pulled back again. It’s like he let’s himself get close then gets scared of caring for someone again and pulls away. We are going camping with friends this weekend. I plan to play it a lot more cool with him, meaning not constantly following him and basically begging for interaction. I have been learning about how his mind works and letting him come to me so I want to try that and see what happens.

He seems to be aware of his emotions surrounding his ex-girlfriend. He has told me things and been tearful. As far as doing anything to deal with those emotions- not in a constructive manner. He is very much a man’s man with the ego and bravado that go with that. He’s not the type to “work on his baggage”, but in his own way he is working on trusting me. He questions me about things that concern him in an effort to believe me. For example, he loves being outdoors in the woods and those sorts of activities. I’ve told him I love it too, shown him I’m comfortable in those situations and he has asked me “do you truly enjoy this stuff? It’s hard to find someone who really does.” It’s like he’s waiting to see if I’m not who I say I am. He gave his whole heart to his ex- first time he’d done that and it all ended up being a lie. He’s wanting and trying to learn to trust (I can tell by his actions, not that he’s said so specifically) that what I’m offering of myself is not a lie.
As far as my self-love needs. I really have never had any. I’ve been rejected so many times and feel unworthy of love. Because of that I became so clingy to him and was smothering him. When he slowed things down I began reading and learning as much as I can to self-love, be whole for myself and get rid of the life-long destructive patterns I’ve done. I want to be content in my life to where a relationship is a bonus not a life preserver. I was single 6 years and thought I’d healed myself. I didn’t, I just hid from everything. Now I want to improve. Hopefully to attact him back, but more so for myself so I can be content if he never wants me again. I have developed some hobbies and interests, working on making friends and trying to improve my negative self-image.

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