[Rhiannon F]

Sounds good 🙂

[Rhiannon F]

Self-fulfilling prochecy as in your thoughts creating what you believe will happen. The mind is very powerful!
Yes! I have dated older men and realized age does not define maturity. I became more of a mentor to my last boyfriend and he was 22 years older than me.

I’m looking forward to working with you 🙂

[Rhiannon F]

Spyce,

Self-fulfilling prophecy has played out for me in the past when I was with a partner on and off for 10 years. Never felt like I could trust him and probably for good reason. I think he was faithful for the most part but I know he would party when he went out of town and that would lead to trouble. But instead of just focusing on my own fun and self-care I would be worried about what he was doing. I think this behavior only gave him a reason (in his mind) for it to be ok that he acted that way. Now I approach things much differently and I understand that people will do what they will do and trying to get them to acquiesce to your needs/desires will not work.

Do you offer private counseling? I feel it would be beneficial to me to work with you because we are similar. Look forward to hearing back from you 🙂

[Rhiannon F]

Coach Sypce,

A secure/anxious is exactly how I feel/react while I do have a bit of ambivalent attachment as well it seems after reading the material. I was the youngest of two girls in my family with a 5 year age difference between us. My parents were emotionally unavailable, no I love you or hugs after early childhood. I began having sex when I was 13 to seek out some kind of affection. Of course, I did not know this at the time but it’s clear now. I did have to parent myself and was very autonomous at a young age.

I do think he is being avoidant in some ways. Having to face a lot of his own issues during this time. And he is very frustrated with it after 5 months. I get the feeling he cares about me and would like to see me if he was not having health issues. My gut tells me he is a good man but it definitely throws me off when he shuts down because I am not like that. While I have been injured recently I have not felt like dating and would probably not have wanted him to see me when I was at my worse. I am pretty surprised he let me see him in the state he was in the last time we saw each other.
He was vulnerable in showing me his pain/injury and I was vulnerable with him sexually in return. He even noticed that I had a very intense orgasm and said “that was good huh, the kind that makes you want to cry”. I remember thinking to myself the next day how I almost did not want to talk to him anymore because of how exposed I felt emotionally.

I texted him this past Monday night and said “Hey, how are you? Been thinking a lot of you lately and I hope you are well. I was in a bad accident on Easter and it’s giving me a whole new understanding of what you have been through”.
He responded within an hour and said “Hello, wow are you ok/better. Hope you are well.” I responded back “Am getting there. My back was pretty jacked up and I broke my arm. Sciatica is still a pain. How are you? Any progress?”. He has not responded back.

I am starting to see a pattern. Initially, after the first disappearance and return, we would talk about how he was/dr. appts, physical therapy, etc. He seemed very appreciative that I was checking on him but kinda short and frustrated understandably. For two months we stayed in pretty regular communication, saw each other in Feb, he had to leave early to get back to the doctors. And then he disappeared for the second time. He would not answer me when I asked how it went or that I was worried and please let me know he was ok. I asked him in our last phone conversation if communication was an issue in past relationships and he said “no because I was viable, I’ve never been in this situation”. But he has displayed these behaviors before we even met in person as I stated previously. So I think when things get tough he shuts down and focuses on what is going to make him feel good about himself (hero instinct) and that’s being successful and respected.

When you say he’s not actively pulling away what do you mean? We have not had any communication in a month before the text on Monday. That freaks me out. 🙁

So just being friends means no sex and just friendly communication. I will not text or call much. It really depends on his responses which at present I’m left hanging. He is still in another state as far as I know so that will be easy because we won’t see each other.
When he was last here in March he said “we would have to be gentle when we had sex”. I said “ok”. Then he said, “I don’t think it’s in your DNA to be gentle and I am an idiot and will end up hurting myself”. I said “we don’t have to have sex we can just hang out” and he said, “I can’t be around you and not want to have sex with you”. We did not see each other. He had to leave early again bc of the pain. I think this is a major part of his masculine identity and a big reason the relationship is on hold. The nerve blockers make it really hard to ejaculate and he is self-conscious of his performance even though he is an amazing lover. He would always ask me if I liked his penis while we were being intimate and not in a sexy way, in a serious way. Before and after the injury.

This situation has been a valuable lesson for me for these reasons:
1. I need to trust he is telling the truth, everything he has told me has been true thus far.
2. Don’t take it personally. This one is hard for me because it feels like a bit of rejection but I think he’s just a very pragmatic person and knows that the relationship can’t move forward right now because of distance, sexual issues due to health, etc.
3. Not let my past issues become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am a firm believer in this.

Thank you for your insight!!

[Rhiannon F]

Yes!! Same here, I tend to have the guy chasing me so when he would become aloof from time to time I would question myself. It brought up my issues with emotional abandonment from my parents and that was really tough to work through. I have accepted that I cannot make it go away only try to work on/through it. At the same time it was also exciting and a challenge to me.

So yes the obvious is first and foremost the chemistry. My last relationship was lacking it and became stale. There was chemistry of course but nothing like this. I am a very sexual being and it’s a very important aspect for me when finding a partner I won’t get bored with.

I haven’t spent enough time with him to really know who he is but he also doesn’t seem to be trying to hid it. The plan was always to spend time with each other and get to know one another. I made that clear and he agreed.

Yes, there would definitely be a level of drama when dealing with such a successful man who has the ability to come and go as he pleases (at least when he is well) but I think this injury has really sent him over the edge.

I do feel called to move deeper still but I do know the timing is just not right. So I would like to reopen communication but probably just as friends until the health issues are resolved and then see what the future may hold.

Watching the videos in the program have helped me realize just how differently women and men move through life/relationships. I was trying to play on my independence and not be too needy being that he already has such a busy life. Also for him, his success is where he gets most of his purpose, feeling of being a provider, and respect, his hero instinct. I would like to use the skills in the program to activate this so he can start viewing me as a source. It’s a tricky situation right now though. Your advice is much appreciated!!

[Rhiannon F]

Hi Coach,

I think the behavior is absolutely a defense mechanism but honestly, I am a very open-minded person and I am super undersatnding. Most of my friends are guys but I do have close gf’s also. I am all about honesty. What do you think I should say to him to reopen the dialogue? Should I use the hero instinct approach? Will a guy that is injured and stressed respond to that method?

Also, what are your thoughts on my post about the Christmas incident? I think he was hinting at exclusivity but I get nervous around him. No one else makes me act that way!

[Rhiannon F]

Also, I forgot to add that when he came down around Christmas to see me he asked me if I dated anyone in my area? To which I replied no, I am very picky. I asked him the same question and he had the same response. After we had sex he told me he paused the dating app we met on and I said when? He responded he paused it shortly after we started talking but before we met in person. I said I was going to cancel mine because I was happy with him but then I did not because he did not say he would cancel his also. Do you think he was hinting at exclusivity? 2 days after this was the first time he disappeared. I tend to act like a cool girl or not as interested as I really am because I am afraid to be hurt.

[Rhiannon F]

Hi,

Thank you for your response. I am not ready to move forward at this point. I am still holding on to us reuniting.
What’s crazy is that 3 days after he and I had talked I was in a motorcycle accident and have been quite debilitated also. Never reached out and told him what happened but it did make me understand more of the physical and emotional challenges he has been dealing with as I have never been hurt like this before.

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