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Hi Heidi, the situation is pretty much the same. I’m focusing on myself and being the best happiest version of me I can be. Not going to deny that I hope things work out in that relationship eventually but I’m not desperate for it to if that makes sense. My existence and happiness doesn’t rely on the outcome of that situation, but it would be nice if it worked out! Haha I think that’s the best I can do at the moment and I’m ok with that, it’s not holding me back in life and it’s giving me the focus to look after myself. If he wasn’t there in my mind I may be out trying to find someone else or I may be letting people into my life that aren’t good for me. I believe that where I am now, focusing on myself is where I need to be 🙂
Hi Heidi, apologies for my late reply it was my birthday over the weekend 🎉
All of what you say makes perfect sense, I have been on a journey where I am learning my boundaries. How much I can give to others without the expense of my own healthy balance of energy.
The FEAR view point is an enlightening one, I always knew that fear is healthy, it’s there for a reason, to make us take stock and figure out if the risk is worth the reward, it stops us doing crazy things that may really hurt us! I’m well on my way to truly believing that “I will be ok” I have had a lot of bad situations in my life since I was a child and I’m still here, remaining positive, trying to live a healthy balanced life! That’s been my choice, I could have very easily chosen a different path in life but I refused to be the victim of my circumstances.
The social pressure is maybe something I have made up but I always sense this judgement for not being in a relationship, or for not seeking one 24/7. A lot of people don’t understand that learning to have a relationship with the yourself is probably one of the most important relationships you could work on! I’m in my 30’s, I’m slim, I’m confident, guys approach me quite regularly and before the pandemic hit I was starting to get to a point where I felt comfortable just saying “I’m sorry, if you want to engage in conversation then feel free to sit and talk but if you’re looking for something else then you’re better looking elsewhere” then obviously we stopped going out, we’re about to start reopening things here in England and I don’t know how I’m going to react to that situation, but that’s the fear again isn’t it. Not only that there is a very real pressure on women my age to have found someone, had babies, gotten married etc which doesn’t really bother me in all honesty but it does creep into my brain now and again.
I like the fact I am the creator of my own world, I’ve always been a strong believer in that. I always look for the meaning and reason in why what happens happens and I often reflect on a bad situation and see what I have learned from it. I think that is where I am struggling with this relationship I have recently had. It ended and I was absolutely broken, I was the lowest I think I have ever been in my life, couldn’t get out of bed, didn’t eat kind of low. However from it I truly believe I have re-grown into the strongest version of myself, I understand that, I appreciate that. It’s just now I’m like “what do I have left to learn from that situation?” “Why can’t I have what I want now, after all that suffering and learning, why can’t I have the relationship now?” I don’t know what I need to do now to make the relationship happen?
I’ve said before that I am not ready for a relationship, mainly I guess because I have been scared (but we have addressed that) I don’t want to give up the life I have created for myself again because I’m scared, but I know with this guy if we do finally give things a go, we would work it all out. It’s so difficult to move on from someone when you are certain you love them, I know for a fact that he is who I want to be with forever. I have had relationships in my life but there has always been doubts but with this guy I have zero doubt we would live an amazing life together. I think a huge part of my depression when it ended was trying to work out how I got it so wrong, I began to doubt myself, second guess every though I had! But now I am comfortable just knowing and not trying to move on, just living with this knowledge until it becomes useful somehow!
Thank you so much for your kind words Spyce. Last year I was a very different person and now as the person I am I can actually read your words and I believe them, which is another little moment of truth for me that I have grown. Your point about not beating myself up because I took a chance really hit home though, I needed to hear that, thank you 🙂 I have discussed with my therapist my fear of not letting myself love again but I think I’m getting past all that and as much as it still scares me I’ll get there one day. I think this is where I know I’m not quite ready for another relationship.
When he and I speak if I get to a point where it’s bothering me too much I will tell him I need space. He respects that, I’ll usually just say I have some feelings going on and I need to take some time, it usually only lasts a couple of days but I’m proud of myself for having those boundaries. The tricky part is that we do have the same job, although we don’t work together (as in the same building or something) there are times where we will work on a project together about once a month, so we need to keep a healthy line of communication.
I live in the UK and here the covid pandemic still has a lot of restrictions on life, I’m almost scared for them lifting because then I will be more accessible, it will be expected of me to date and try and find someone. That social pressure is hard to overcome, but I know I won’t do that until I am ready. Yes I want to wait for this guy because I truly believe we would have a fantastic life together, but I also believe what happens, happens for a reason. I am not closed off to the possibility of meeting someone else, but I know my boundaries now. I have a string of failed relationships behind me, where I can see the issue was that I gave too much and had low expectations, which left me getting cheated on and treated badly and I accepted that because it’s what I thought I deserved, but now I know better. This guy was the first time I felt like someone really saw me. There’s a definite fear that I will get into a relationship and I’ll let myself fall back into that person, using all my energy to make someone else happy, but I won’t know unless I try I guess!
So what’s next I think is more of me enjoying a relationship with myself and letting the world hand me whatever it decides to throw my way I guess!
Heidi you are so right with all of that! It’s so refreshing to see someone has the same thoughts that I have been going through. I thank him for ending the relationship before it really started, if we had gotten together at that time I would not have taken the journey I have over the past 8 months where I’ve seen a therapist and I am a calmer, happier person with myself because of it. I am truly beginning to love myself, love my own company (kinda needed to living alone in a pandemic!) and live a distraction free life where I use my energy on myself instead of letting others suck it out of me. I truly care about myself now which is something that I couldn’t even think without crying before starting this journey. I always said the feelings we had for each other were too much and they weren’t healthy! I wanted him to go date before me, but in the whirlwind of feelings he told me he didn’t need to do that, but I knew he would and I wanted him to. I let my guard down and started to let myself believe in this happy ending and that’s when it ended.
I think a big part is that I let someone in (which is very hard for me to do) and exactly what I thought would happen happened, it made me feel stupid and doubt myself……but if that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have look deeper into why I felt that way. So for that I am grateful.
I guess coming out the other side of that I’m like “hey, I’m ready…..are you!?” And the answer is he isn’t and probably won’t be for a long time. I made the decision afew months ago to stop letting that dream hold me back and I’ve started to build a new life for myself and just me, moved out to a farm surrounded by countryside when all my friends live in the city and I couldn’t be happier!!
But I still love him and some days it hurts. Occasionally when we talk he lets his guard down for a second and I see him (on FaceTime) smile with his eyes and look at me the way he used to. Then his face changes back, I get a glimpse that he is still in there but too scared to come out. I know it’s not fair of me to try and force him to face a feeling he isn’t ready to face. But it still hurts sometimes. I don’t think there is a resolution apart from time however even just the 2 messages I’ve received so far on here and just being able to voice this somewhere has helped massively 🙂
Thank you so much for your reply. As you say it’s nothing I don’t already know but I really appreciate your response.
I guess I just want to feel validated? I have a therapist I’ve been working through some childhood trauma with and we discussed this situation the other day. She said as long as it’s not holding me back in life then, as you said, why am I so focussed on it? I think that comes down to some of my own confidence issues and a fear that all of this connection is just in my head! Also friends don’t help, all I get is “if he wanted to be with you he would” “he’s being selfish, he’s not worth your time” etc but I don’t think it’s that black and white. I’ve taken the time to work on myself and it’s unfair of me to try and force him to face something he clearly isn’t ready to face.
I think I just need to give it time and see what happens. This pandemic has us stuck in our current situations. I do feel he needs to get out and live a bit of his own life before he settles down again. It all just takes time. However I still have my friends voices in my head saying “if he loved you, he would be with you, it’s that simple”……..but it isn’t, is it?
