[Franziska F]

Haha I actually love that you wrote that. I was thinking about just asking something like that too in the last few days. Him being confused is making me confused too and I really don‘t like that feeling. I do have the fear as well of asking him and losing him, but I think I‘m willing to overcome my fear of it could turn out to be something great instead. And he should too.

And I do think that this part of me kissing someone else fueled his fear, otherwise he wouldn‘t have mentioned it again and talked about it to me again.

This means so much to me, how you wrote that, it feels so good that you‘re kind of looking out for me and caring about me.

Franziska

[Franziska F]

Yes you‘re actually right. The thing is I don‘t quite know what it is that is missing for me.

Well one thing is, that he still told me he is confused. I know he‘s told me that before abd I can understand that. And I‘m normally not a selfconscious person, but what if he‘s confused about me? And doesn‘t know whether he wants to be with me?

The other thing is, we talked about the situation where I kissed the other guy a few weeks ago. He told me that it really bothered him then and that he even thought about forgetting about me, because if I did that, i must not be too serious about him. But then he still decided to text me the next day and just tell me. I was really confused by that, because up to that point he kept telling me that it would be smarter to be friends, because he didn‘t want to lose me. He told me that it was fine for him, and that he remembered at that time that he wasn‘t any better, when he started something with Anna after he first had a thing with me.
I felt really bad about that, that it bothered him more than I thought and he maybe has felt more for me than I thought then. I couldn‘t really get it out of my mind.
Then last night I had a dream where I slept with another guy. I felt so bad when I woke up, and it felt like cheating on Tim, although we‘re not together and it was just a dream.

I really hope that didn‘t make him lose trust in me or that‘s the reason why he‘s confused.

[Franziska F]

I needed a conversation, because I didn’t know whether he was actually dating me exclusively.

So last weekend he asked me if I wanted to do something again. They had some friends over at their apartment and I came over after my work. We all talked for a while and he took my hand and cuddled with me in front of his friends. Because they started talking about cars (and like really specific stuff, they all work together in a garage), I couldn’t really follow the conversation anymore. So Tim and I went back to his room. After watching a movie we started talking. I asked him about a stuffed animal he had in his bedroom. He told me that it was his ex’s. And he asked me, if stuff like this bothers me, like if he still has a few objects of a past relationship. We then talked for quite a while about his ex and what happened between them. She was a very jealous person and he told me, that she didn’t want him to be meet even one of his childhood girl friends (which was like a sister for him). The had really big fights and he also told me how they used to really yell at each other and get mad. I really couldn’t believe that, I can’t imagine him like that, because he’s always really calm when he’s around me and not at all like he described the situation with his ex. We then also talked about Anna and that he really doesn’t think of her as a good match for him anymore.

He also said that he never thought, that we’d end up in this place together. Like that we’d start going out again, after we first had the FWB thing and then the situation with Anna. Then he told me, that he really liked spending time with me. He told me that he really enjoyed our weekend trip together a few weeks ago and also other situations, where he really enjoyed the time with me. He also told me that he hasn’t felt that comfortable around anyone in a while and that I’m good for him. But he also said that it takes him a while to actually fall in love, and that he likes how things are at the moment.
He did tell me though that he didn’t have anything going on with any other girls, the last time he had a one night stand with someone else was a few months ago, when we just started seeing each other again.

We talked until quite late at night, but we both didn’t feel tired and it was a really good conversation. I think we were both glad that we talked about the topic and it also felt quite natural to talk about it, it was not a forced conversation.

The next day it started snowing. It was so nice to lay in bed together and watch the snow. We got up and made breakfast and hot chocolates and went back to bed to eat it there. Sadly we both had plans in the afternoon.Tim even said, that he would rather not go to his friend in the afternoon and instead spend the day like this with me. So we kissed goodbye and I drove home.

I definitely do get what I want at the moment, and as he told me, he is happy too. I would want a defined relationship in the future, but for the moment it is fine how it is. Tim did tell me, that if I ever felt like the situation wasn’t okay for me and that I really needed more, I should tell him. And he promised he will also tell me when he is ready for something more.

[Franziska F]

This is contradictory. Dating exclusively IS a relationship.
Well Tim once told me that when he’s interested in someone and gets to know a person better, he wouldn’t see any other people. But like that is still dating or getting to know each other, but not yet a relationship, but he would still not see any other people. So that’s what I mean with exclusively dating or getting to know each other. Do you understand what I’m saying?

He actually did ask me to go for a walk with him yesterday. Although we’ve seen each other so many times already this week. After going to his favourite lookout place, we went to his place and got chinese for dinner. He asked me to stay over, and really thought about what would be easiest for me. I had to go to school the next day, and his place is way closer to my school then when I had to go home again from his place. He even offered to drive me to the train station the next morning whenever it would be easiest for me for when school starts. This evening we looked at some old magazines together, played card games and afterwards when we laid in bed we talked for quite a while. He told me about his worries, about the future and that he feels like he is doing something wrong (we talked about travelling). That he feels like everyone has already seen so much, but he is missing out on something with his job and everything, because he hasn’t travelled that far yet. He also told me about his parents and their situation. I really felt like he opened up a lot to me and that he is really trusting me more and more with his personal stuff.

And yes I think waiting for 2 or 3 more dates is a good thing. I think he is definitely someone who takes time with his feelings. But I think once he’s clear about his feelings he really is 100% certain about it.

I’m not sure how to describe this, and also not sure if that’s just my imagination. But I also noticed, that he’s been much happier in the last few weeks. Like he smiles a lot when he looks at me and generally looks happier and in a better mood when we’re together. Not that he wasn’t at all happy before that, but I don’t know, it might also be a kind of happy vibe I’m getting? And that’s although he tells me about unpleasant topics and stuff that annoys him (of course in that very moment he doesn’t seem happy, but overall he seems happy, despite of all those things that are going on in is life).

Franziska

[Franziska F]

Hi Heidi

So I still haven’t talked to him. I know I really should and it’s getting more important to me to finally know where we stand. I’m kind of annoyed with myself, that I can’t bring myself to bring the topic up. On the other hand I want it to be in the right moment and want myself to really be prepared for it.

Last weekend I went to his place. He had his foot injured two days ago, so he couldn’t really do much. We cooked together and had dinner. Afterwards his brother and two friends (they were Tims friends as well) came home and we chilled for a bit together on the sofa. He also took my hand and moved closer to me in front of them. After a while we went back to his bedroom to watch movies and chill in bed. The next day was sunday and we slept in an then had breakfast together with his brother and his brother’s girlfriend. In the afternoon we went for a short walk outside, just as far as he could go with his foot. It was raining a little bit, so the ground and the benches were all wet. But he wanted to sit down anyway, so he sat on a plastic bottle to not get wet and let me sit on his lap. We then talked for a bit. Somehow we have this ongoing joke about him murdering me in the woods (like whenever there is a bit of a mystical mood). This time it came up again, but he said he wouldn’t do it anyways, because he still needs me. I wasn’t quite sure whether he wanted to bring up a talk about us when we were sitting there or if he was waiting for me to say anything then. We didn’t end up talking about it and then walked back to his car and went for a drive around the villages in the area. Afterwards we continued watching another movie until he drove me to the trainstation.

The next day he had his doctor’s appointment and got 5 days off work to recover.
So on tuesday he texted me if I wanted to do something and so I went to his place after school. We first went grocery shopping together and then cooked dinner together. Then we spent a quiet evening together until he dropped me off at the trainstation again. He said that I could sleep over too, but I couldn’t because of work the next day.

On thursday I had the day off, so we met up again. He made the suggestion to go to the spa together. So there were quite a few hot pools, spa pools, also water slides and a sauna area. We did everything together. In the pool he also started kissing me and we were always quite close and cuddling or being affectionate. He also told me that he normally doesn’t like people who acted like that, but still he acted like that himself anyways. When we went to the spa pool he told me about Dave and that he’s a bit annoyed about him. Dave was acting a bit jealous and had been asking Tim about our trip together and whether we had hooked up again. He hasn’t told him yet before that we had something going on again, and I’m not sure whether he has really told him now. I think Tim feels uncomfortable that his friend is that jealous about me. (He’s told me before that Dave had asked if anything was going on between us when we first started doing stuff together again. At that time there really wasn’t anything going on). I also wasn’t quite sure whether he wanted to use this situation to bring up a talk about us (or bring me to talk to him about our relationship). But for me it didn’t feel right to bring it up then, especially with other people around. Still I did think about it, as we were already talking about a topic that could lead to the relationship talk anyways.
After the spa we went back to his place for dinner. We cuddled for a while on the sofa and later went back to his room. I can’t remember what exactely he did, but for some reason I told him, I would like to have a child that is like him (I think we were talking about his childhood). Later he told me he would also like to have a child like me (I think beacause I was helping him put away his washed socks). This time I slept over, because I could easily go to school the next morning from his place. He got up with me the next morning and drove me to the train station again (I could go from his place with a bus, but it is much easier to go by train).
On the weekend we didn’t see each other this time. On saturday both our parents were moving (what a coincidence haha). So I had to help my mum moving into a new apartment. Tim was helping his Dad move out of the apartment both of his parents had lived in so far. He’s told me in the past that his parents are not talking anymore and that it was especially hard on his mum. So his mum had actually lived with a friend for a while, because she couldn’t be with his dad anymore. I think this step now hopefully makes it a bit easier on his family too and for Tim as well. He’s told me that he’s accepted the fact his parents have split, but he feels really sorry for his mum, and that it is hard for him seeing her being sad.

So overall he has talked to me about a few personal things in the last few days, and we’ve also seen each other quite often. I’m actually not sure whether he was wanting to bring up a talk about us or not or whether he wants me to start the talk. I remember when I last told him how I felt (which is already quite a while ago), we agreed that I should tell him if it’s not working out with us being friends anymore or it’s getting too hard. Also in the last few weeks we had been going on more dates that for me feel like relationship dates (or leading to a relationship) and also being affectionate in public. Especially at the spa, there were quite a few people around and it wasn’t dark like at the cinema.

You can say something super simple and then let him take the reins. Your job is to just open the conversation and then let him lead. I’d probably say something like “We have been spending a lot of amazing time together. I’m at a place now though, where I am finding myself really bonding with you in a very vulnerable and deep way. It doesn’t feel casual for me anymore, so I just need to talk to you about what is happening between us. What are your thoughts?”

How does this feel for you?

So I think this approach makes sense for me and I would definitely also include, that the stuff we were doing together doesn’t feel casual anymore and more like we are in a relationship. I still don’t want to pressure him and don’t need him to say yes to a relationship yet. But I at least would like him to agree that we’re officially or exclusively dating. I feel like this is a comfortable way for me to bring up the topic too, because it doesn’t just come out of the blue, I can refer to the specific situations where it made me feel like there was more going on and where it felt like we were doing relationship stuff.

Franziska

Ps: your hair sounds amazing! I haven’t dyed mine yet, but got a new cut! Still leaving it quite long, but it’s much healthier now, as the broken tips got cut off.

[Franziska F]

Thank you so much for your advice!
I haven‘t talked to him yet, but last weekend was pretty great! He asked me out to the cinema, where we watched james bond together. Before that we ate dinner together.
During the movie, he put his hand on my leg and later held my hand for the rest of the movie. This was the first time he did something like that in public and especially in a place where we both could know a few people or where people we know could see us as a couple.

After the movie we went for a drive around up to a hill, where we watched the stars. We stayed there for quite a while and when it got cold, he opened his jacke and cuddled me while wrapping his jacket around me. Then we kissed under the stars. Afterwards we drove to his place where I stayed the night. He also started giving me more sweet compliments and being more romantic. Before it was usually more playful and making fun of each other, now he‘s really gotten serious and sweet with his compliments and his behaviour.

I‘m now actually not that scared anymore to talk to him, because that weekend really felt like we‘re getting serious and that he‘s getting serious about a relationship too.

Franziska

[Franziska F]

So now I finally have time to get to the list again.

1. What does a positive mindset look like to you? What does it mean to “care” about himself and others. What does that actually look like? For me this means that he is optimistic about life in general. Even if something bad happens, he can see a positive aspect to it or see what he can do to make the situation better again. To care about himself and other means that he is important to himself, he does things to make himself happy and listens to himself and does what’s good for him. And the same goes for others. He should listen to others and take them seriously. Of course this is not always possible, even a person with a positive mindset can feel down on some days. And that’s not a bad thing either, if he acknowledges that and communicates it, but doesn’t tear others down because of his own bad feeling.

2. So you would make a statement something like this: He has an active and social life separate from me Yes. I think because I’m quite an active and social person myself, I’d want him to be the same. Like this he would also understand, when I don’t have that much time to spend with him, because I want to spend time with my friends and vice versa. Plus it gives us something to talk about, when we both have different activities and experiences to tell the other person about. It doesn’t mean it has to be completely separate from me, like we could always do something with the same friends together or the same activities. But it should be that he also has something to do and friends to hang out with when I want to hang out with my friends.

4. What about something like this: He has a high level of curiosity in his life. He reads a lot of books, has different kinds of interests and is always interested in doing a variety of activities to stay engaged in his life. Yes that describes it quite well. I think it’s not the drinking/going out part that bothers me, but just doing that. Just like I wouldn’t want to date somebody who only reads books all the time and does nothing else, or just spends all his free time and money on gaming.

5. He is connected to his body. He is aware of what works and doesn’t work for him, he is always wanting to learn how to better care for himself and he acts on that. I wrote something like this under 1 already. He is connected to his body and also listens to his body. I think if he listens to himself and his body he’s also more aware of others and their needs, it’s probably easier for him to care for others as well, when he already knows how to care for himself.

6. Putting your trust in others is giving your power away, right? People will ALWAYS break that trust just because they are human, but if you put your trust in yourself, you have 100% control of that, you know you will be able to get through anything and you are solid on the inside, regardless of what is happening on the outside. This is something Tim needs to REALLY connect to. He is not trusting that he can handle losing you, therefore he likes to keep you as a “friend” instead of allowing himself to fall in love with the best thing that ever happened to him. Well now that I’m reading this, I’m not really trusting myself either about myself handling losing Tim, if I talk to him and he doesn’t have any feelings for me.

7. Got it. So let’s get more specific here. You DO have a need for a certain amount of financial success from him. What is it? Also, if the most amazing perfect guy showed up and didn’t want kids, is that REALLY a dealbreaker for you? Is it ESSENTIAL for you to have children? You are willing to walk away from Tim, for example, if he didn’t want children? What if you end up with a guy who can’t have children? Okay so as I’m studying and will earn money myself, I don’t need him to be the provider of the house that earns a lot to support a whole family on his own. It should be enough though, so we can both spend an easy-going life, with no worries about our money, where we can afford a nice living space, children and travelling every now and then. So this is also not just about earning, but also about spending. He should spend his money responsibly and not buy every kind of toy or car or whatever he just feels like buying.
Well if the guy doesn’t want kids, he is not the most amazing perfect guy 😉 And I wouldn’t know, because I know Tim does want children, so it’s hard for me to imagine otherwise. If someone can’t have children or it could also be possible that I couldn’t have children, then that’s a different situation. I think in that case we’d have to talk about other options and whether we want that. I mean there’s always a possibility to get a child through other ways, but I don’t even know if I’d be open for that right now.

[Franziska F]

Yes it really is, and I’m so glad nothing worse happened.

How do you feel about this approach??
I do think it is time for a conversation again soon. But I’m also really scared of it. I’m scared that he doesn’t feel anything like I do and I’m scared of losing him. I know that it’s still necessary to talk about it and it wouldn’t make the situation better if we just don’t talk about it. And I know it will be better for me anyways, beause even if he doesn’t feel the same, at least I know where I stand then. And of course there is also the possibility of a good outcome, which would mean the situation could only get better and I would actually get what I want.

Last weekend we went on a little trip together to Italy and Austria (that is about a 5 hour drive with the car). On friday I stayed at his place, so we could leave early in the morning. We didn’t sleep together because I was still on my period, but we cuddled. He drove us to Italy, where we went hiking in the Dolomites. The scenery was so beautiful and the weather as well. We even walked up a steep path to a cave, where I got a little scared because of my fear of hights, but Tim was also really helpful and understanding helping me get down again. Then we drove to our hotel, which was really cute and had a really nice view. We showered together and had sex afterwards, then got ready for dinner. For dinner we went to a real italian pizzaria, which was such a nice experience, the whole day was just perfect. Then we went to bed and cuddled again. The next morning we both woke up early (the clocks in europe all got turned back an hour). We stayed in bed and cuddled some more and had sex again before going to breakfast in the hotel. Then we left for our next trip where we hiked to a waterfall. We climbed up to the waterfall and could even walk behind it. It was again a very nice trip and view. Then we drove to Austria to our next hotel. We went to dinner and then had a quiet night in the hotel room with some netflix and chill.
The next day the weather wasn’t too good, so we slept in and then went for a shorter walk to another waterfall. Then in the afternoon we had planned to go to a spa, but sadly it was already full. So instead we decided to drive towards home and we took a scenic route where we drove through the alps and it already snowed there! He then dropped me off at home and we had dinner at my place. And he even stayed for a gin and tonic. I was a bit surprised by that, because he jokingly said at the beginning of the trip: oh no, now I have to spend three whole days with you, hope this won’t be too much. Also we were both quite tired and he could’ve easily just gone home after dropping me off. After going home he sent me a text how nice he thought the trip was and that he had a great time.

We both paid for the trip, so it wasn’t like he invited me or anything. But still he organized most of the things and looked up the hotels and also the route we had to drive and all that stuff. We still then decided together what exactely we wanted to do and see, so I was also part of the decisionmaking. And he also asked me about the hotels before he booked them. He also told me that a friend of him had also asked if he wanted to do something this weekend. And that another friend had wanted to go to that place in italy for a while. I really wish I had asked him then, why he didn’t go with them.

We haven’t talked about our relationship during the trip (I hadn’t read your message yet then). As it is kind of a couple thing to do, I also talked to my friends about it and also to Anna, when we had a school project together the day after my weekend trip with Tim. She also told me that it seems a bit confusing and told me that when they had a thing together, he also didn’t really talk to her (except for the beginning) until he couldn’t do it anymore, because she was also seeing other guys. So to her he also didn’t talk about his feelings for a long time until it was too much for him then.
I certainly don’t want this to happen to me in the same way it happened to him.

Franziska

[Franziska F]

What would you like to say? What exactly do you want to know? What exactly do you want from him?
I would want to know whether he feels anything like I do. At the moment I really like how it‘s going and I still don’t want to rush him or the relationship between us. But I‘d want to know from him, if he‘s also seeing us going somewhere or if he still thinks of us as being just friends and nothing more.

I‘m starting to get more feelings for him and wanting a relationship with him and being closer to him. I know that I‘m kind of getting what I want, we‘re getting closer and spending more time together. But I feel like I want to make this a permanent thing and also be exclusive, I don‘t want to have him maybe doing the same things with other women.

If he doesn‘t say anything for such a long time it would make me feel like I‘m just there as a distraction or someone to spend time with until he actually finds someone to be in a relationship with. I would feel used and like I‘m not good enough for him to make that commitment, but also he‘d still want the benefits from me being arounh for now. Like I‘m good enough for now until something better comes along.

I haven’t updated in a while so I‘ll just do a quick overview. Last sunday he already had plans, but suggested we could meet up in the evening. We got pizza together and spent the rest cuddling and sleeping together and watching movies. When he said goodbye he kissed me on the forehead.

The following week was quite busy for me with school and friends. On tuesday my mum had an accident with the car (she’s fine luckily, but still had to go to the hospital to get checked). I was quite shaken up about it. He was really sweeet and asked if I wanted to talk on the phone and that he would be there for me. On thursday he texted me that it would be nice if I could be there and on friday he asked if he should come to my place (although he was with his friends when he texted that). On both days I didn‘t have time, so we couldn‘t make it to see each other. The rest of the weekend was really planned out for both of us as well.
But again he has made a lot of suggestions for the future again, like that we should decorate a christmas tree together or go out to dinner.

Franziska

[Franziska F]

Yes I try to be very grounded and not to push him, but I think it‘s getting harder for me too. I think I‘m starting to like him more and know that I really don‘t want to lose him.
Last sunday we met up again. He actually asked to see me on saturday, but I didn‘t have time then. So we made plans for sunday, because he wasn‘t eating at his parent’s as usual and I had some spare time in the evening.
He picked me up and we went to a lake where we walked around and enjoyed the nature. Then we got take away food to eat at his place.
Afterwards we talked on the couch and he talked to me for quite a bit about his parents. His dad apparently has a new girlfriend already and his mother doesn‘t deal well with that. He‘s told me that he‘s fine with the split now but he‘s really feeling bad for his mum and that he feels really sorry for her.
Because he had lost a bet with me a while ago, Tim still owed me a massage. So we went to his bedroom where I got my massage (he really put some effort into it) with a happy ending ;). Afterwards we cuddled for quite a while and it felt really close. I mean cuddling is always close, but we really cuddled like face to face and he kissed me in between as well.
Before we left his house, he put my scarf around me and used it to pull me closer to kiss me again.

Again he started suggesting more things concerning the future. For example i told him I want to make a sober november and not drink any alcohol. His reaction was that this is too bad, because then he couldn‘t invite me over for a gin and tonic. But then he suggested that he would join me in doing that and we could try out some alcohol free cocktail recipes together. Or another thing was that he suggested going to a few lakes, where we could camp and stay overnight.

Right now I‘m in Amsterdam and he‘s asked how my stay was and also made suggestions and tips about what I should do here. After I‘m coming back I have to work and made plans with friends, so again I won‘t have much time to see him.
And I‘m really wondering whether he will bring up the topic of us or what he wants from me anytime soon, like he came to me with the talk about his parents.

Franziska

[Franziska F]

I feel like that too. And especially because he texted me specifically about it. I mean if it had just bothered him a bit or he just found it a bit weird, he wouldn‘t have had to text me right away about it.
I feel like since that happened he is more connective. Like he texts me more often and when we text or write on other social media platforms he talks more about the future, like about trips we should take together or what he would like to show me, like his garage or so.
We met up again yesterday pretty spontaneously for a drink at his house. We first talked for a while but not about the situation from the weekend. Then we went to bed to watch some movies. He took me in his arm to cuddle me and we held hands too (which he never did before. When we cuddled it was never this intimate, except for maybe after sex, but then only for a short time and never with holding hands). Also i could hear/feel his heartbeat while cuddling and it was faster than usually. Those are just observations of what‘s different than before, I‘m trying not to read too much into it, before he hasn‘t made anything clear.
We ended up having sex again. Also here it felt different and more intimate or passionate. He made way more eye contact than before and we kissed more before and during sex. He also didn‘t mention this time that we agreed to be friends and it wouldn‘t be smart to sleep together. After the sex he kissed me on the forehead, which he never did before either.
Again I‘m just trying to observe those changes.
Then we realized it had gotten quite late and he asked me if I wanted to stay over. He also told me i didn‘t have to, but i could if i wanted to. As I was quite tired I stayed over and he let me wear his shirt for sleeping.
When we went to bed after brushing our teeth, he kissed me again. The next morning i had to get up quite early, and I always set a few alarm clocks, so i can still lay in bed for a few minutes. After the first alarm clock he came over to me and cuddled me again until my last alarm clock rang and i had to get up. He got up with me and brought me to the door. We didn‘t kiss but he hugged me very long and tightly as a goodbye (also way longer and closer than usual).

Now we‘ve seen each other quite often in the last few weeks, but I‘m quite occupied with work and holidays in the next weeks. I‘m really wondering whether that will give him some time to think, or maybe get a bit clearer about what he wants. I haven’t talked to him about his feelings when we hung out, because I felt like he would probably still not know it and couldn‘t get any more specific anyways. So maybe after not seeing each other for a while, the topic could come up again. I don‘t want to rush him, but I would like to at least have some kind of clue how he feels.

I will answer to the non negotiable list later, I‘m typing on my phone and it‘s easier to answer those point on my laptop.

Franziska

[Franziska F]

So this was an interesting weekend again. I went out with Anna to a party on friday and already had a lot to drink. Then we met Tim and some of his friends. We talked a bit, and Tim and Anna talked as well (they didn’t have any contact since a few months ago). But she told me later that they really only talked as friends, and it also seemed like that to me. At the same time his friend Dominic and I started dancing. I’ve met him twice before and the first time, Tim even said we could make a cute couple (This was already a few months ago).Because we were dancing dicofox, we needed some space and he pulled me to a more quiet area of the dance floor. After a while of dancing, he pulled me closer and kissed me. I didn’t exactely want that but also didn’t pull back or tried to avoid it. Tim also realized that, but didn’t say anything that evening.
The next day saturday I went home and Tim texted me, that he didn’t like what happened the night before, but that I was single and could do what I wanted. He said he wasn’t angry, but that he didn’t like it.
I explained to him, that I didn’t really want that, but that I couldn’t take it back. I didn’t apologize, because I really didn’t do anything wrong. He said that everything is okay, he still likes me, he just wanted to tell me that he didn’t find it that great. Not sure whether I should understand this as jealousy or him just thinking it’s weird.
We also then talked about his family. He texted me that a lot is not right with him and that his parents are fighting because of their separation.

I told him that I was really sorry about that and that I would be there for him. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He said yes, but also that he had to spend some time with himself and deal with himself and that all is a bit much for him. He also said that he really wants to go away, I guess to get some distance.
He then also said that it sometimes helps him also if he doesn’t need to talk to anyone, but just chill or watch a movie with someone who’s there for him. I told him I’d be up for that and asked him when and that I had time on the weekend on sunday.
That day he already went to a car meeting though. As it was really close to where I live, he suggested that I should come too, he also had his car displayed there. Although cars are not really my thing, it was on my way anyway, so I thought why not. I met him there and he showed me around and explained a few things to me, which I did find quite interesting, to learn about his interests. We didn’t talk about friday or anything like that, because I thought it wasn’t the right location and some of his other friends were there too. He said at the end that he thought it was really nice that I also came there. I think he knows that I’m not the biggest car person, and really appreciated that I still showed up.

Okay I will try and use your suggestions.

1. He should have a positive mindset and care about himself and also about others.
2. He enjoys his life apart from me and stays active. (I don’t quite know how to phrase this in english, I mean that he is actually doing stuff, like enjoying a nice day outside or going out with his friends or something like that, rather than staying home and complaining that he doesn’t know what to do or telling me that he just misses me)
3. He is independent and has a life aside of me. ( I agree, it’s similar to 2)
4. He should have other interests than just partying and going out. What other kinds of interests? Hmm this is a difficult question. I think there is so much more to life than partying and spending all your money in a club. You can do so much more meaningful stuff with your money and your time, like travelling, going on a trip, spending it on a hobby, rather than wasting it on a night of drinking and then not remembering most of it anyways plus not being able to do anything the next day because he’s hungover.
5. I think it doesn’t matter too much for me, whether he works out once a week or 5 times a week. He should care enough about his body and health that he feels comfortable. With eating again, I think it’s not necessary that he only eats veggies or never eats a pizza again. But he should be informed what’s good for his body and at least try to include this in his meal plan.
There are a lot of things a person can do to take care of themselves. I think it’s in general important, that he is informed, what’s good for him and also acts on it. Mental health and physical health should be important to him. Now that I think of it, this actually goes together with #1.
6. I never actually thought about that. It’s very hard to see someone not trusting themselves, because I always just worry about not being able to trust other people. With myself (or others trusting themselves), I kind of thought it’s obvious that I should trust my self, because why wouldn’t I? But I do realize that I don’t always trust myself either.
7. I think it’s important that someone has a goal, that makes them happy in life. Because I wouldn’t want to be with someone, who is stuck in a dead end job, that doesn’t make them happy and they complain about it all the time. For me it’s not okay for someone to have a job where they are unhappy or unfulfilled. I don’t think that I really wouldn’t care, if his only goal was to work at mcdonald’s and nothing else. But this also goes together with other plans for the future. For example I want kids (this would be another point on the list), and to have kids and maybe a house, you can’t have a job that only pays minimum wage.

Thank you for helping me with this. I think I’m already learning a lot about myself.

Franziska

[Franziska F]

Yeah and it felt really good that he said it a few times! I get that he might be scared of losing me or things not working out.
He is afraid that if things don’t work out between you guys (which I’m guessing he thinks will happen) I also get this, but with this fear he can be missing out on something even greater than what we have now? I’m not sure, but it was similar with Anna, he told me once that it’s really hard on him when he loses people and he didn’t want to lose her either and that he really regrets that. But I mean when he lost her, it was because it didn’t work out because she didn’t want anything, in my case this would be different.
Especially when we talked about his parents, he mentioned that fear of losing too. He said his heart had to deal with a lot in the last few weeks (like losing Anna, and his parents splitting) and that he couldn’t bear much more like this. So it might also take him a bit more time to heal from all this. We haven’t talked about his parents or that situation again, so I don’t know right now how he’s feeling about that or what their situation is like atm.
I just wish I could do something about it. But I guess there is not much I can do other than giving him time.

Okay so about the non-negotiables list, I decided to first write down the things that were actually the reasons why it didn’t work out with a guy in the past.

1. He shouldn’t have an “I don’t care” attitude.
2. He shouldn’t always just stay home and do nothing. So while I’m out doing things, he shouldn’t constantly miss me.
3. He shouldn’t be clingy. I want my own space and for him to have his own space (I wrote this, because once a guy was always just focused on me, even when we were out with HIS friends, he wouldn’t even let me really talk to them. And he talked even less to them, he basically ignored them. I really didn’t like that, I’m a very social person, and I think the guy I’m with should be like that too and not just talk to me).
4. He should have other interests than just partying and going out.
5. He should take care of himself (with that I mean basic things, like brushing his teeth, putting sunscreen on, maybe working out and eating healthy. I don’t mean all the time, but just so you can see that he actually cares about himself and his health)
6. He should trust me and I should be able to trust him.
7. He should have goals for the future (Actually I think here I don’t mean specific goals, but that he has at least some kind of plan of what’s ahead of him in life and that he actually thinks and cares about the future.)

I think this is enough for now. I do have more points, but I’m not sure how many makes sense when I write them to you. Or also how important they are to write here.

Franziska

[Franziska F]

So yes Tim and I hung out again. We planned to do something during the day and then go to a 90s party in the evening.
Because the weather was really nice, he suggested going to a famous house in the mountains, which is built into the mountain. We’ve been in that area before and I mentioned that I had never been there. So actually we wanted to take a gondola up there, but as there were a lot of people standing in line, we spontaneously walked up the mountain. There we enjoyed the view and had lunch together. He also brought some drinks for us. And he took a few photos with his camera, also of me, which I didn’t even notice every time. Then we walked through a cave and back down with the gondola. Because the weather was really nice, we decided to go for another little walk in a very beautiful forest. This was really fun, we fooled around and laughed so much and teased each other on the way. Then we went back to his place. We relaxed for a while on the couch, not cuddling so much as last time, but it still seemed like he was always looking for some kind of body contact, like tickling or touching my hands, nose or ears to annoy me and stuff like that. Then we both almost fell asleep and watched some funny videos together on instagram. Afterwards he went to buy some things to make dinner, while I showered and got changed into something comfy to wear for dinner and before we would go out. Then he made us dinner and we ate together.
After dinner, we made a gin and tonic (my favourite drink) to enjoy as a pre-drink on the couch and while waiting for the bus. While we were sitting on the couch, we both said that we really didn’t feel like getting up and getting changed. So we ended up deciding that we didn’t want to go to the party. Instead we stayed there, both wearing comfy sweatpants and played some beerpong (not really to get drunk, just for the fun of the game with water in the cups). We bet that the loser would have to invite the other person to dinner. Although I won the first few games, I ended up losing the last crucial game. After playing we hung out on the couch again and he showed me some magic tricks. I get really excited for stuff like that. I think we did that for almost 1 and a half hour. Then we kept talking for a while and then went to bed to watch a movie. But after the first few minutes we were both so tired that we fell asleep.

The next day he had made a plan with some friends to go go-karting. He thought they would meet up in the afternoon, but they wanted to go around 10 am. So he asked me if I wanted to come with them. But they wanted to drive a race, which I’m not really into, so I just ended up watching the race with one of the guys girlfriends. After the race we drove home again and bought some strawberries from a farmer’s shop. Back home we tried to make chocolate strawberries and he made mojitos for us. He then mentioned that he thought this was a really great weekend.
After we finished eating we continued watching the movie we started the night before. Also during the movie he kept teasing me and annoying me and some cuddling. Then we watched some episodes of Friends. This is my favourite series and he started watching it a while ago too. During that he started cuddling me a bit more. Then he started acting weird and turning his head away. After a while he told me he was really horny and he’s had a boner for the last 10 minutes. He also said that he didn’t want to just have sex with me, because he didn’t want to lose me or what we had. He’s told me that before, and it seems like he is really worried about that and doesn’t want to ruin things. We still ended up having sex then. Afterwards he drove me to the trainstation, As I had to go home for dinner and so did he. He told me again, that he thought this was a really nice weekend and that he really enjoyed it.

As for Dave, I acutally did meet up with him on friday (and met up with Tim on saturday and sunday). I thought it might be a good thing to check out the vibe, if he was really cool with it and how he seems now, I mean I haven’t seen him in almost 3 months. The topic with Tim didn’t come up, but now I actually think that I should tell him how I feel about him. I keep feeling bad and that I’mm not totally honest with Dave. I’m not sure if he’s still getting his hopes up or whatever, but I feel like he deserves to know that, although it’s a hard truth. I haven’t talked to either of them yet though, I decided to let it go through my head for a few days first. Regarding Dave it is hard to tell how he feels. He never came on to me or flirted with me a lot when we met before, and didn’t this time either, so I don’t know whether anything has changed now or not.

I would love to share some of my list with you. I have it handwritten, but don’t have it with me right now, so I will share it in a few days. And I would love for you to help me with it. What exactely do you mean with taking it to the next level?

Well I’ve got an appointment for the hairdressers. But first I’m just gonna get it cut, and I will ask her about the options of the hair colour. I don’t really have the money at the moment to get it dyed.

Also I just saw a video on instagram of a dating coach, which said that it feels different when you start dating someone who is available when you’ve dated people who were less available in the past. It said that it feels less exciting, and that usually people get less of the butterfly feeling, less of the nervousness and that because of that people won’t equate it with interest, love or chemistry. It really reminded me of Tim and got me thinking that he might feel that way.
The video also said that love doesn’t always have come with uncertainty and the thrill of someone who is not clearly available. It can also be calm and secure, but that many people are not used to that feeling and it takes some time to get used to it that relationships can feel like that too.

Franziska

[Franziska F]

Haha that’s nice to hear. I have a lot going on at the moment as school started again, so I sadly don’t get to write a lot.

I’m working on the list and I find it a very interesting project for me to do. And I keep finding that I probably already acted like I already had a list before, because I really don’t get involved with just anyone, I always only dated guys that fulfilled a lot of my needs. And if they didn’t, I broke it off quite fast, because it wasn’t worth my time. But I still find it very important to write all those things down. It’s a great reminder and I like to look through it often to make sure I know what I want.

So about my situation with Tim now. Tim came back from his holiday on tuesday 7th of September. The following days he had a lot of work and on the weekend I was organizing a party with my scouts group. As he was out with friends on the weekend, he couldn’t come to my party (where I had to work anyway), although he almost made it one night, but ended up not being able to catch a train anymore. As he lives about 2 hours away with the train, the last one for the night left quite early. With the car it’s about 45mins-1 hour, but he couldn’t drive anymore.
So then I asked him, if he wanted to do something the next weekend and he invited me to his birthday party he had planned (his birthday was during his holidays). And he also asked me if instead I had time the weekend after, so we could do something. I agreed to that too.

So I went to his birthday party on 18th of September. It was only something small, with a few of his friends and a few of his brother’s friends at his apartment. We didn’t spend the whole evening together, because there was also a beerpong table, where he played a few rounds when I was there. But that was fine with me, I enjoyed talking to his friends and getting to know some of them ( I already knew a couple of them before). Most of them left around midnight and there were just me and him, his brother and two friends left. We had a lot of fun, just the two of us, while the others were talking. Afterwards I stayed over, because I couldn’t get home anymore (that was planned before). Well and we slept together again. We both just couldn’t resist.
The next morning we slept in and then had breakfast together. Then I stayed while he cleaned up the flat from the party. We had a lot of fun again, teasing each other and playing games and playfighting, it felt really familiar and comfortable. Then we cuddled up on the couch together before we went to his room to watch some Netflix. While watching netflix we also cuddled again, but nothing else happened. He then fell asleep in my arms, which I found really cute (for me that meant he felt really comfortable, because I wouldn’t just fall asleep in anyones arms just like that). Then I had to leave again. Before I left he also gave me a little present from his holidays that he brought for me. It was a little shell that he found really pretty and wanted to bring me.

Now we’re planning something for the next weekend, but not sure what yet, we’ll have to see what the weather does. But for sure we’ll want to do some kind of little trip together.

But still, we haven’t talked about us sleeping together again and he also hasn’t made any clearer signs of being interested. So I’m still wondering, what’s going on in his mind. I wonder whether he just really needs some time and moves very very slowly, or if he even still needs time to get over Anna. I don’t want to bring it up again too soon, I don’t want to pressure or rush him either.

Also, Dave has texted me again, asking me to do something and telling me that he would really like to see me again. I don’t quite know what to do about him either, because I don’t want to hurt him. I also don’t want to just say no to him, I mean he’s old enough to decide what’s best for him too. And also I don’t know whether I should tell him about Tim if the topic comes up (as far as I know, Dave doesn’t know that we hooked up again, at least when it happened the first time, Tim told me not to tell Dave and he wouldn’t tell him either).
I just know that I for sure don’t want to lie to anyone. I think in all cases, being honest always pays off.

Franziska

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