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Ooph! That’s such a painful story! I will definitely take into consideration everything you’ve said!
This girl is far away on the other side of Germany and he hasn’t heard from her in two months, I’m pretty sure she’s trying to let him down gently. But I don’t know for sure. And it’s true- it’s better to believe people when they tell us who they are and where they are at!
I think this situation is different in that he is respectful, he doesn’t want to hurt me- he’s been honest, and we have put boundaries back in place until the situation is clearer.
I have no idea what will happen, but I love him as a friend- and so while he works through this I will be his friend. The chips fall where they may in terms of relationship potential- but I’m not keeping my hopes up. And I will start to date other people before too long. For right now, I think it’s worth waiting a bit to see if the depth of connection can build between us, while connecting as friends. I’m trying to be realistic about the situation- and I am definitely not going to enter into an intimate relationship with him when his heart is not fully open.
He had also said that he would want to be more open in his heart about being with me too, so he does acknowledge what the right course of action is, which is good:-)
Hi, sorry I didn’t see there were multiple pages to this thread! I was looking at page one! Sorry about that, I’m new to this forum.
Thank you so much! It’s quite a relief to talk it through.
I think your insight is spot on!
I really value the dynamic a lot and I think he does too, but what you said here is the crux of it: ‘That brings up the question then too, of is he ready, willing, and able to have a relationship, outside of this issue with him wanting someone else?’
I think I’m willing to wait a little bit, because this feels like one of the best dynamics I’ve ever been in. And I’m willing to see how the dynamic evolves. He doesn’t have much hope about her either, and he said he wasn’t willing to wait forever, not too long, but at least some time…he is definitely stalling talking to her.
I sense I will reach my limit at some point and it might be before he’s willing to address the situation and get clarity from her.
In the meantime, the quality of our dynamic is like one of the best friendships of my life…so given that it feels good to continue with it in that form.
I value what we have so much, I think I can wait for a few weeks, maybe even a month or two, but I think beyond that would be too much.
Either way, I sense we will be good friends. I love him as a person already very much, he’s just wonderful.
Hi Ecaterina,
I’m new to this forum. I was just reading this thread.
It sounds like a tricky dynamic has been created- because there was an emphasis on sex at the beginning, that you both fell into and that you partly encouraged (I know you recognised this in your first message). So now it’s backfired somewhat.
Have you tried expressing to him that you would like to develop your connection in the other realms of your relationship- like he expressed interest in?
I also observe what you’re saying about him not really communicating consistently and being more interested in sex. Perhaps the dynamic fell into that place- and he might also be pulling away more because you’re saying to him that you’re feeling ignored etc- I sense perhaps he might be feeling like he can’t ‘win’ at the dynamic with the level of feelings he currently has, so he’s not invested in committing in a deeper way.
I’m curious if you guys can start connecting in different ways, in ways where he’s not failing, but where he has the opportunity to be your hero. Perhaps ask him if you can have a conversation about something that you’re interested in getting advice about- or discussing interests with him that you can both share- or be upfront overall and just say you’d let to get to know him better, so the topic of the conversation isn’t just focussed on how he’s not turning up for you.
Give him opportunities to turn up for you and ways he can succeed at meeting your needs…invite him into those conversations and ask directly for that- I would suggest to think of some topics that you can connect around. If you’re interested in finding out about him, that may help.
A good dynamic can be built through good quality conversations…gradually you both disclose more and more about yourselves…you start to feel connected and feel heard and seen by each other… an emotional bond starts to form with this build up of knowledge about each other, shared understanding, empathy and compassion for each other.
Good will is more easy to come by when conversations feel good and positive and aren’t just about complaints about how someone isn’t turning up.
I can understand why you’d be disappointed with the lack of connection and want to kind of protest, but to change the dynamic I think it’s more likely to go in a positive direction if you can reinforce the positive, invite him into the kind of conversations you would like to have and let him know when he shares things with you that touch you, or when you feel happy and connected to him.
In this course in module 5 or 6 perhaps? I can’t quite remember, it’s somewhere at the beginning about positive reinforcement. I have seen how dynamics can be influenced by this…and how negative reinforcement can suck the good will out of dynamic, especially when the emotional connection hasn’t been established…there isn’t much to draw on for him. (And for you neither, I sense that’s why you’re falling into protesting the lack of connection).
Start to build a connection based on positive reinforcement if you can. It will take a lot of courage given the lack of current connection, but I sense if you can hold your nerve, you might be able to invite him into positive conversations and improve the dynamic.
Good luck! <3
