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Hey thank you for affirming. It is definitely undue stress and fear, old antiquated thinking.
Yes I am very goal driven, I am very demanding of myself. Surrendering has definitely been a challenge. Remembering that I am longer that uninformed, disempowered girl with broken consciousness, unchecked trauma, daddy issues, and fear of abandonment. I love me! Some days are better than others but living in faith and confidence is a new story I am actively creating for myself.
I was listening to the Be Irresistible program and reflecting on how I could show up better. Questioning myself and the ways I receive my husbands valient efforts and the ways in which I have subtly rejected him. Also the times where I disrespected embarassed him or other low frequency behaviors that could easily turn him off. Even some of the opportunities I missed to be on his side. And all the times that I did and do listen receptively, am grateful and gracious, allow him to be my hero, partner with him etc and the reaction is night/day. So I take accountability for being less than wise and pushing him away. Im excited about how confident I feel that I will bring him back to that cloud 9 space but even better bc we don’t have the angst of worrying about the future like we did when we 1st started. We are already married and committed so yeah Im ready to dive in deeper, open myself up more. He will meet me there I know he wants that too.
I was sitting here tonight thinking about our first times, curious how it would have been if we knew we were going to fall in love and get married and live this dream life. I texted my husband and shared my desire to reconnect and just talk and catch up like old friends. He agreed. Looking forward to new conversations and sharing more about who we are.
Yes this makes sense. I am suffering huge anxiety behind it. Last night I was up until 3am reflecting on sex and my turn-ons etc. Most of my fantasies involve him and things we’ve done in the past. I really enjoyed those times, I want more. It was the most body affirming/sex positive sexual experiences I have ever had. And he enjoyed himself as well, I didn’t make that up. Literally, we jump the broom, and its gone like a puff. I wrote him another letter expressing these happy sexual memories and how much I miss that part, how it hurts deeply not to feel him like that… but then I erased/unsent it because how is sharing this going to help…plus if I keep focusing on the negative aren’t I doomed to create more negative…I will try your suggestions.
Hey yes we were on the road. Yes I believe he was more open to share in the beginning before we got hitched now its like pulling teeth. I probably should have asked more questions before, I was just tired of being a therapist to men and was convinced that regardless of his sexual past he was into me and wanted me sexually. Hindsight is 20/20 right. I never fully processed what his sexuality or sexual history would mean to/for me. You know? Naive? Dumb? I don’t know. Do you have to know who to learn what? It seems a little weird to me to have to get that specific about your sexual past. But yeah, I guess I’m open to hear about his ex lovers? I have asked him what he likes sexually and how I can turn him on, many times. He said that we first got together he tried to have that talk and I didnt want to have it. So yeah…
Thank you Spyce, I have been racking my brain trying to imagine if, when, with whom, where he may have cheated especially during my most vulnerable time and I just couldn’t see it. And to be honest if I did breach that topic and he did admit to cheating, omg my heart, I just couldn’t bear it.
The issue with the ex was just a wondering more than anything. Wondering if there is still more there than he admitted, you know like soul ties. But like I said, I know he loves hard so whomever he truly loved he will always love no matter if they are together or not. So there isnt much to learn in that regard and it is quite possible I am projecting or reaching. Hard to tell what is intuitive or paranoia.
Yes slowing things down is definitely my work. I move fast, I think fast, I talk fast, Im fast and sometimes it is too fast for even myself. So Tantra, meditation, yoga, sensual dance…all of those things are helping me breathe…funny thing is the more we talk about his potential trauma the more I think that maybe it is me and my unchecked sexual trauma that is inhibiting us, or at the very least a combo. I feel so grateful that I don’t need to be someone else to be loved. I feel like as a woman that is always the script we are fed and I have been feeling extremely insincere trying so hard to be the best wife, mom, entrepreneur, artist, etc. Like Im cramming for a high stakes exam that Im not prepared to pass. Which feels ironic because what I most loved about our connection pre-marriage is that we were simply ourselves, even the imperfect parts. I want to get back to that.
Yes I think I can open the space again for trust and non judgement to blossom again. I admit that in the beginning when he shared certaim private things with me about his past, I was very open and receptive but over time I began personalizing and judging. So yeah I can own that part. Yes I believe he is worth my time and effort. He is the most genuine, thoughtful and supportive person I know. I LOVE and adore him deeply. Yes the sex is troubling but not a deal breaker. It is more of a challenge that I pray we can work through together. I have some holistic remedies I am working with him on to increase his libido. And supporting his goal to get fit again and feel good about his body which changed since we have been married. Thank you for all your wonderful and compassionate advice.
Wow Heidi thank you for these insightful questions!
Yes I did breach that topic about my date rape very briefly with my therapist, very matter of factly. The thing that I learned about myself during and after that rape is that I could totally leave my body behind, abandon and betray her. That was the 2nd time I felt my soul leave my body and it has only reconnected a few times since then and that was many years ago. Once was during pregnancy and childbirth and a few other times during orgasm. So mind, body, soul practice is very important for my healing thank you for the resource.
Regarding walking the walk…its a meh sometimes for me. Sometimes Im so into my goddessness I scare myself, most of the time Im fine with living in the shadows. I do want to be more feminine but the idea of doing it to keep a man makes me feel ill just thinking about it. Right now I would say I feel desirable 20% of the time. I 80% know its not because of my looks though like I was led to believe all my life. I know its an inside job. Reprogramming, what do you suggest?
Im curious as to what that relationship means to him. He is not the kind of guy that stops loving people and I wonder in which ways is he still connected. It doesnt feel like a question that is coming truly from a place of curiousity though which is why I an hesitant. I know it is me comparing, competing, and building a case that i dont measure up which would make it a loaded question. He is wayyyyy too brilliant to fall into that trap and I don’t think Im ready for that truth or even if I need to know.
Thats so interesting you asked me about the possibility he cheated because I honestly never thought about that as an option. He was so doting during that time between me and the kid and work, I never even considered it. Should I ask him about it?
Yes I have expressed in long emails and texts how much I desire him and want to build sexual connection with him. I also have to be careful not to villify him and say he is hurting me bc he isnt. My ex hurt me, he hit me, he cursed me, he physically/financially neglected abandoned a child, those were real things that hurt. My husband is not hurting me. I am not a victim, I chose him and like you said I can choose him daily or not. I feel confident in that. Walking away from my ex proved to me that I am powerful and when convicted can do whatever I need to do for me, that I would not betray myself again.
My husband is a beautiful man, I feel equally lucky to have him in our lives for so many reasons.
One more question. How wise us it to bring up/ question him about his ex/friend?Is there another area where I leave it alone and let him reconcile within himself or do I push him to speak about it?
I so look forward to your responses and I thank you for replying with so much thoughtfulness and clarity. Everything you said makes alot of sense. I have not directly discussed trauma with him but over the course of our 5 years together I have picked up on things here and there. Touch is very big with us so I make that time very intentional and deliberate and I will continue to do so with even more consciousness. Like you said take some of the load off his shoulders. The benefit of marriage or longterm partnership is the gift of time. The type of depth I want takes awhile to cultivate and I just wanted to make sure I was building the right foundation for a fulfulling marriage. Maybe my fears are residual from my past long term relationship in which time worked against us. My fear is staying in something past the expiration date simply because I agreed to stick around. Longevity is a goal in my marriage, and my husband values his relationships that have withstood time so I am convinced that sticking with him will be fruitful for us not remorseful. He is not my ex, this is not an abusive relationship. Safety was number one on my list and you are right he feels very safe which oddly is scary. Ironic right? Actually reflecting further, I realized that maybe even the “harmless” probing questions, sending him the long emails and texts, initiating lengthy conversations, and attempting to “turn him on” with date nights
lingerie, sex toys/games are actually working against me and adding to him feeling manipulated, feeling pressured, feeling insecure, and feeling unsafe in this area. I will back off. I want to apologize to him but perhaps its best to show my apology with changed behavior. Anyway, thank you for so much attention, your feedback was very helpful. I am grateful.❤In response to your question about what I am doing for my own sexuality…mostly I am observing myself as a sexual being. Most of my hormononal life, I have been regulated. I was on birth control for 12 years before coming off to allow pregnancy and I am just learning my cycles. The horniness angers me, because it needs an outlet but unlike my teenage self I am discovering ways on how to use my sexual energy and transmute it. I am also doing more movement and learning how to connect with my body again. I am studying sexuality and practicing breathework, learning about Tantra and removal of blockers to intimacy. Although it is a challenge not to internalize my husband’s sexual desire, I do understand that it is not my cross to carry. I also feel like whether he desires me or not, I am a desirable woman and conscious giving lover and making and exchanging love with me is a gift to any partner I choose to share those gifts with. I definitely feel like most of the sexual work i am doing now is internal. I have spent so much of my life with men who took from me in sexual ways and so maybe subsconsciously I attracted my husband so that I would have this time to cultivate a different sexual narrative for myself, one that can include a partner or not. I don’t know. I do find my husband extremely physically and sexually attractive, as well as intellectually stimulating. He inspires me to be better. I am patient and hopeful and actively moving in alignment with my goal of exchanging sexual intimacy with a lover that is mutually interested in giving and receiving. I guess my final question is how do i practice some of hero techniques in my particular situation, especially since he is showing up as my hero everywhere else?
Ugh I just reread the last part and felt nauseated. I love him dearly but I don’t want to be devastated if he left. I feel like he has made this decision to shut me out and withhold sexually as long as he can. I am committed to seeing our marriage thrive but I also want to be ok if he decides to move on to someone he is sexually interested in. It seems like those feelings dont last long for him which is why he was single for many years before I met him. He has a long term ex/friend that from what i gathered do this push/pull dance of being in and out of each others lives. He only vaguely mentioned her to me but I gather that part of the pull is the unavailability. I feel like I have made myself open and vulnerable in every way. He is a beautiful,brilliant, popular, talented and charming man and in the beginning yes he doted on me hard and now I feel like I’m begging. My son’s father is a bipolar narcissist and I was dragged through the mud trying to love him for 13yrs before I left and never looked back. I am praying that things will change and my husband will want to be my lover but I also understand that I can’t make him.
Wow your response helps me see him with so much more compassion.
Its ironic because sex has always been awkward for me, between having been date raped and having experienced more disconnected sex than any other kind of sex I can relate to feeling pressured, traumatized, turned off, frozen, inadequate and in my head. So yeah, here we are…In love. He is everything I want and more than enough. I dont how to move from here. I have tried individual counseling and we have done coaching together. How do I create the bridge that will encourage him to come closer? Having moved so fast in the beginning I didnt give him or myself space or time to see his drive or let him lead. The positive is that I have learned alot about my sexuality which has been freeing, frustrating, and at times lonely as hell. The hardest part is feeling like I trained him to ignore me sexually. So yeah, I do believe that there is hope. He is a wonderful person/partner and I would be devastated without him in my life. I am fully committed to seeing this through. I would love your thoughts on next steps.Thank you for replying. Our premarital sex life was good to me, he was hot and ready and we dated and went everywhere together so it was new/exciting. But right before we got married we did pre marital counseling it came out that he felt like I was too sexual, oftentimes he wanted affection but too often it would lead to sex and he did not always want sex. So I pulled back. Then I had a surgery and was unable to perform. He was the breadwinner, cook, nurse,caretaker etc of the family so his hero gene was majorly activated but it also gave him a break from having sex. It hasnt been hot since.
Yes I do know what I want and like. I have tried to express in so many ways but at this point he laughs me off. He is a great dad and we have a beautiful life. It just seems weird and sometimes painful not to be expressing love this way as well.
