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Thanks for your response Heidi. First, don’t agree with the belief that you chose who you want in life based on their worst and not their best. I don’t believe that’s a good way to go about things because everyone needs work in one way or the other. No one would ever GET together if they made their choices based on people’s worst qualities. Also…….when I said I would do anything for him……I didn’t say I would do anything to keep him. I would certainly NOT do anything to keep him. I have already made the decision in my mind that if he leaves NY without seeing me, that it is over. I’m not even sure I could stay friendly with him if he did that without so much as an explanation.
I wrote so much in the original post that I don’t know if I said I was married to a manipulative alcoholic for 28 years before this man came back into my life. I have spent years putting other people’s feelings before my own. I learned to do that at the age of 12 when my terminally ill brother died at 14 and my parents fell apart. Anyway….I do want to give him some credit. After the first episode two years ago – I noticed a few small, but noticeable changes in him. Last year when Covid hit and we knew we’d be separated for a while – I started to see him amp up his game. I acknowledged his efforts to engage in hard conversations and he would even to say he was sorry about certain things…..so there is growth there. When I acknowledged his effort to stay engaged in a hard conversation, he actually said to me, “this is the new and improved Joey. You’re getting Joey 2.0” That was a response I never thought he’d give.
I do think the health of his mom is a huge concern, paired with him turning 50. As for him never wanting to marry…….that very well may be true…..but I am not interested in marrying again either. Oddly enough, when we were in Vegas…we saw a young couple taking their wedding photos…..after we congratulated them, I said under my breath “suckers!” and he heard it and asked me, “You don’t believe in marriage anymore?” I just said I wasn’t sure anymore. He seemed contemplative about that and was quiet for a while after that.
What I’m asking myself now is this: “Is three times of this behavior in almost three years worth me not making an effort when everything else is just – truly, so incredibly wonderful. I’ll also add that it has bothered him that my separation has taken this long, tho I am in the home stretch. All this time has gone by, and he has hung in there thru every delay. He has said to me on occasion, “you can’t keep me in the trunk forever. You have to bring me out sometime.” I ALSO say that I think the long distance thing works in our favor. We see each other for spurts…..and they’re amazing spurts of time….and then we each have our own space. It surprises me that I actually like that we have time apart.
One of the last things I told him was that I want him so much…..but I don’t need him in order to have a good life. I’d prefer my life to have him in it, but if he moves a different way, I know it’ll take me time to get over it…..but that I’ll be able to move on. There’s just a history here. It’s so hard when he was who I thought of for years….and then when we are together……it’s like no other feelings I’ve had: He’s bluntly honest – to a fault…..which makes me trust him. He is always looking out for me, and he always makes me feel like I’m all that matters when he and I are together.
So…..I’ll wait and see what happens.
To answer your question about what to do in the next five days for myself…..well I asked for a vacation day on Thursday since we are supposed to get some amazing weather here in NY. I’ll be spending the day with a friend, in the sun, drinking wine. I’ve been listening to podcasts about my type of attachment and asking myself why it is that I feel insecure when it comes to him – my guess would be, I’ve wanted him for so many years…..have had him for the last three……and it’s been so much more than I thought it would be. So there is def a fear of losing him…..losing the relationship – because in 30 years of marriage….I never even came close to having the vulnerability and openness that I’ve had with him. The best way I can put it, is that I feel like the real me when I’m with him – after years of having to pretend to be something else with my alcoholic ex.
So……day in the sun Thursday, evening out with friends Friday, and not sure what the weekend will bring. Maybe connect with some family….visit my mom…..be around people who make me feel loved.
all righty. Hi all. Thanks for reading my current situation. I’ll try to give bullets to be succinct.
– been in a long distance relationship for the last 2 and a half years with my former HS BF – who pursued me like crazy back then. 27 years later – while going through a separation, we reconnected and there has been very few days since that we don’t talk or text
– he lives on West Coast. I’m on the East Coast.
– We had an agreed upon plan that I would come out every other month for at least two or three weeks to visit. I had visited him last January, February, and March, and then Covid shut it all done.
– Saw him a number of times when he came to NY in the summer to take care of his sick mom – and then spent three weeks with him in November.On three separate occasions since we reconnected…..we had a bit of an argument and he shut me out. First time was six months in, and we didn’t talk for almost a month….and then he came around. He explained in detail to me (in an email, because it’s too hard for him to talk about) how it feels like a cancer is inside of him when he says hurtful or angry things to people he loves when he gets upset. So he needs time to cool off. Ok. I got that…and from there would ask him…….”let me know when you feel like I’m pushing you in a way that makes you want to shut down.” Second time it happened – last summer, maybe it was a week before he started talking to me again…..and then he came to the east coast…..and on his second night here invited me over. We saw each other a bunch of times in that visit.
Third time it happened was two weeks ago – literally ONE WEEK before he was to come to east coast again. The thing was…..in that “conflict” – which wasn’t really a conflict to me…..I prefaced the whole conversation with him that I just wanted to share with him how I felt about something (which was that his continual likes of a borderline porn model on Instagram). He had made a comment on one of her pictures back in the summer about how incredibly beautiful she is. Ok…so….this man tells me all the time that I’m naturally pretty – which he says means I am pretty without makeup. He argued that he has told me I’m beautiful many times…….yet…..my ears have truly only heard it once. I’ll be pretty, cute, even sexy…..but I’ve only ever remembered him saying beautiful to me once….and I told him that it kind of hurt me to see that he can say those words to someone he doesn’t even know but seems to struggle to say it to me.
Boy oh boy….did he not like that. In the midst of this conversation, I was so CLEAR to tell him that despite the fact he doesn’t see himself as the sexiest guy in the world….that he IS the sexiest man in the world to me….and then I went on to say he’s the only person I think of in that way. When I continued to disagree with him that he has called me beautiful more than one time….he finally just “whatever, I’m done.”
Since then, I have noticed he has not liked ONE of the slightly porn insta personality…..and has really not been on insta at all. The day before his 50th birthday (he’s never been married by the way), he deactivated his facebook account – I’m guessing to avoid the birthday reminders since he’s not happy about turning 50.
THere’s so much more here to tell…..to include a boudoir photo book I had planned to give him as a surprise for his birthday (something def outside my comfort zone)….but when I showed him a teaser photo of just me legs and some red bottomed shoes…..he def got jealous and said “you’re posing nude for this guy?” Even tho I was never nude. He knew I was doing photos shoots on weekends, but he didn’t know what kind of photos or that they were for him. After he got upset…..I told him what the photos were for. He ever even said anything like “wow….I can’t believe you were gonna do that for me.” So I was unsure as how to proceed so I stopped the photo shoots.
SO, now he’s been in my area for five days. I texted him on his birthday and had his favorite cake delivered to him. We texted a bit about that, but that was all. Nothing from him Sunday…..and so just before I went to bed Sunday….I sent him the digital copies of the photos I did have taken….and told him that since they were taken for him….and I wouldn’t want anyone else to see them…..I sent them to him. It was just a handful of pics. No reply. 24 hours goes by….and I do the whole “I need you advice on something” text. He responded in 27 minutes. Sent him a follow up on it today, and he also responded. But he is not engaging me in any other way than responding to my request for his advice on something.
I know he’s here to see his mom – who he is extremely close to and worries over constantly as she is not well. At this point, I will be devastated if he goes back home (don’t even know when that is) and doesn’t make an effort to see me. I would think, for me, that would seal the deal on this not being a thing anymore.
I’m feeling like I shouldn’t text him at all until he reaches out to me. He is absolutely avoidant attached, and I am without question anxious attached. I would do anything for this man. When we do get to see each other, it is just perfect. Not to say we don’t bicker here and there…..but he makes me feel so secure and safe…..and I just can’t imagine ever feeling that way with anyone else.
Side note: I eloped at 19 while in the marine corps to someone I barely knew. During my entire marriage – which isn’t dissolved yet – this man I’m seeing now was ALWASY my “what if?” My big regret. He has told me that he always thought about me thru the years. I’m surprised he has even lasted this long since he told me in the beginning that he doesn’t believe in long distance relationships. I told him, “then I’ll wait for you.” At some point, it was like he figured I wasn’t going anywhere, so why not see how it could work. And here we are almost three years later.
And when I do go visit…..he always goes out of his way to plan multiple special things: trip to sedona, trip to vegas, a trip to Disneyland… making me my special mixed drink and telling me to go enjoy the pool while he makes it, and he brings it out to me. My last visit…since we would BOTH be working remotely in his home…..he completely rearranged his second bedroom into an office just for me to use. So….he definitely shows he values me in those regards…..and really with just the simple things…..like he can’t be next to me without touching me in some way….holding my hand…his hand on my neck or my leg…..)
So…advice please…..what’s my next move?? Thank you so much for reading all this and for sharing your thoughts.
