[Rebecca S]

And then the emotions swing the other way and I just spent the last thirty minutes going thru old photos and videos…and allowing myself to cry about it. Probably because I’m watching this show called Firefly Lane that has triggered some memories.
Anyway…..each day brings something new.

[Rebecca S]

Thanks Spyce,
Had a two hour separation mediation yesterday which drained the life out of me. I feel like I’m being taken to the cleaners. Too much to write out, but I’m now thinking that I should move straight to divorce and bypass the separation.

A fun update I think you’d both appreciate….the man my coworker introduced me to last week….we’ve been talking thru messenger. I watched an Instagram interview with him and wow…to see him move and hear him speak….this is a man who has his shit together big time. Great smile. Crazy successful. Gives back thru so many donations. Last night I had a late night out with friends and I noticed he seemed interested in knowing when I was leaving there. I finally got home around 1am, and after texting a bit, he asked if I minded calling him to talk on the phone. We spoke for a little over an hour. He definitely is piquing my interest. And did I say he’s freaking handsome as hell? And his fashion sense is just….dang! So good.
Went to sleep and had a NUMBER of dreams about him. Do you know how unusual that is for me when my dreams about men are usually bad one about my ex or great ones about Joey. And now…just last night- no dreams about either Joey or my ex….but this new guy who is definitely capturing my attention.
Taking it slow for sure….but it feels pretty good to know that I have options, if and when I want them.

[Rebecca S]

I don’t think my ex (who technically isn’t my ex yet – we finalize separation agreement tomorrow) thinks he is obsessive when it comes to me. But the deal is….he has maybe four guy friends…..and yet does NOT know how to be a friend to them. Two of them are just coworkers…..the third his roommate from the Marines….and the fourth someone he met once a year grading AP exams. ALL of his friends…..and family for that matter are through me. He doesn’t know how to maintain a friendship….probably because of his anxieties, his focus on me being the person to navigate his emotions for him all the time, and the fact that he was an alcoholic.
Oddly enough, the details of me finally deciding I had enough came AFTER he chose to get sober and start AA meetings. People thought it was crazy that I would decide to be done ONCE he got sober, but the deal is that it was ONLY after he got sober that I was able to move out of survival mode and start addressing the wide variety of negative feelings I had repressed for 28 years. I kept a smile on my face for my kids, for my family, my friends. NO ONE knew he was an alcoholic, and many were shocked to hear it when it finally came out. Actually, the night before he decided to get help, I knew I was done. We had a huge blow up at the house involving BOTH my kids. They were scared, and I just reached my limit and let loose on him. The next day, he decided it was time to clean up his act….but the thing was, I was done years before then. Not sure if you know this tidbit, but birch trees – once their white bark is pulled off the tree, it never grows back. I would tell my ex everytime he drank, that it was like peeling the bark off my birch tree….expect the bark was any positive feeling I might have for him. At some point along the day, he stripped it all….and nothing was left. He didn’t care.
Four weeks after he got sober was when I reconnected with Joey. I had no expectations of it turning out to be anything. It shocked me as much as it did him. Oddly enough (mentioned this before) but Joey’s sister works very closely with my ex. Talk about AWKWARD! And it wasn’t Joey that my ex didn’t like….it was someone different….someone he knew personally from the Marines. My ex has never had a convo or face to face with Joey, but he knew for years that we stay connected, sent cards at holidays, talked on the phone, etuff like that.

As for a restraining order, I think what my first course of action would be is to have all guns locked up and I hold both keys. The only problem comes in when he needs to teach an NRA class….and he needs a gun or two. I honestly don’t feel he would ever do such a thing, but I guarantee you every single woman who has been killed by her husband thought the same thing. He has an instability to him for sure…..and 2 and a half years being sober….that instability would peak through his facade every now and then. The next place I move to…..in May…..he won’t know where it is. That will help me to feel safe. And it’s also in the apartment below my cousin’s home…..and my cousin has an insane amount of guns in his house. So I don’t think the ex would want to be playing that game.

[Rebecca S]

Haha! Oh man! It did take me MULTIPLE TIMES to correct typos last night!! And yes, I did feel a lot of love from the people at the bar right next door- which is owned by my landlord. So he paid for my first drink, and the other three were taken care of by others. All men, but really in a community kind of way- not a “hitting on me” way. I live just outside West Point, and work for a company on West Point- so it’s a military community. Lots of camaraderie.
I really do feel as you described me – allowing myself to feel things as they come, but still moving forward and having a mindset of openness of what comes next.

To answer your question about my worries about dating someone local: good question! I really need to give this more thought other than what I’ve already said.

I think part of me thinks it’s easier to keep a new relationship hidden from my kids and soon to be ex when they are not local. I don’t want any of them knowing about any potential relationship until I know it’s something worth telling them about.

Another reason is – and I haven’t shared this yet- but I have had about 10-12 people (two of them my husbands friends, not mine) express to me their concern for my safety due to the rage my ex has expressed to people when talking to them about me. He never lets me see that side of him (meaning any rage towards me in particular), tho I have experienced his drunken rage at other things. He is an NRA instructor (as is also my 14 year old son), and given his access to many guns, a number of people hav shared concerns with me over his mental instability, behaviors that are from one extreme to the other (very calm to rage, with no middle ground), and the fact that people say “to him, you are his entire world.”
So that said, I feel like it’s safer for me to keep relationships at a distance for now, because there is no telling what he might do if he knew I was seeing someone and that person is local for him to “get to” so to speak. He once told me about a year ago that if I ever moved on and married a particular person (someone I involved myself with once two years after he cheated on me when I was pregnant and even after my daughters birth), he told me “If you think you’re gonna marry that guy, I will show up, kill him and kill myself because that’s not gonna happen.”
He said this SOBER.
So that’s another reason….and probably a big one.

On another note- a funny one, I think…..I’m not sure if Joey went back home last weekend or if it’s this weekend, but I would guess it’s one of the two. But he has a digital photo frame on his wall filled with over 500 photos of JUST ME…..and a handful here and there of him and his mom. But literally 99 percent of those photos are either or me alone time and him together.
I remembered that today and it makes me chuckle to think that when he goes home, he will literally be bombarded with MY FACE on his digital photo frame, which goes off by motion sensor. So the second he walks in his door, it will come. If he had been trying not to think of me all this time while he’s been here, he’s not going to be able to NOT think of me when he gets home!
Just gives me a little chuckle. I can see him either unplugging it altogether or just letting it play, depending on where he is at emotionally.

And as I write that, I feel a little sympathy for him.

[Rebecca S]

also……I DO know that I’ll be ok regardless.

[Rebecca S]

in all honestly – and this is drunk becky typing. went to the bar next door to my apartment for one drink….and ended up getting four or five….all paid for by people around me. To be honest…..I am not willing to get involved heavily with someone else because there is a part of me that is saving myself and my time for him. But at the same time…..I’m not holding in place until he comes around. What happens in the meantime happens. I do want him. I feel like he is the one for me……but I do tell myself that it could all just be a mirage. Only time will tell.

[Rebecca S]

Hi Heidi,
What am I doing to process the feelings I have? Talking about how I feel to a few friends here and there; journaling, doing some meditations at night that are centered around relaxing yourself as you process through sadness and loss. I definitely deeply feel the loss for him…..but I’m not letting myself linger there. I’m not sure what the point would be in that. I feel what I feel and then eventually tell myself it’s time to do something other than thinking about that loss.
As for carrying the belief that he will probably reach out – I’m not sure that’s preventing me from healing. It’s an open ended question in mind whether or not he will – but if I had to choose one over the other, I’d say he would. I let him go a little bit more each day….I let the idea of him go a little bit more each day as well.

In regards to getting to the point where I feel no more hurt – I think that’s definitely possible. I already feel like I’m in the space of not waiting for him because I’m already moving forward with my life’s plans and being open to meeting other people. But after spending 32 years wanting him….always wondering the “what ifs” about him……and then being able t o experience just how great it was (more than I expected it to be) -I don’t think I’ll ever stop wanting him. But I think and believe my brain will allow myself to get to the point where I find another person who is capable of making me just as happy – tho in a different way than he did, because truly…..the relationship we had was pretty unique, for a variety of reasons. And speaking of meeting new people……like I’ve said, I’ve recently been introduced to a very successful, pretty dang good-looking guy – 52 and never married (which concerns me!). Part of me wonders if it’s in my better interest to NOT move into another relationship (regardless of how casual). Having gotten married at 19….maybe this is the time for me to just “be with myself,” to really take some time to focus on me – apart from a male companion. I think that’s where I’ve landed….and will remain casual and light with this new man who’s shown an interest……and just see what happens. But for now….I’m focusing on me…..my life’s goals…..what I need to do to reach them, and surrounding myself with positive people.

Oh…and this new guy…..lives in Chicago! haha! Always a distance thing! But honestly…..I find comfort in the distance. It is an automatic “space giver,” if that makes any sense! My therapist laughs at me because the way I talk to her about meeting someone local to me…..I guess I make it sound like I’m confident I’d meet a stalker! Anyway. That’s what I’m up to.

[Rebecca S]

Hi Spyce and Heidi,
Not much going on. No contact – and it will be that way until at least mid April. Not sure what I’ll do if he reaches out before then, but I feel like he needs to spend some time missing me and recognizing the value I bring to his life. I have no idea if he is still in the area or if he went back West or not. But I’ve been busy with keeping physically active, being with friends, work, etc. I’ve been visualizing a lot of good things as Heidi suggested. Listening to and learning from a variety of podcasts. Each day is easier than the one before….but when I do remember the times we spent together…..it simultaneously feels good and makes me sad. 99.9% of our time and contact was positive (fun, laughter, sharing frustrations as well as sharing the good stuff, etc) – so it’s hard and makes me miss him. I know he’s missing me. No doubt in mind about that. It’ll just be interesting to see if and how he reaches out in time. There’s no way he’s just gonna ghost me after 34 years of history. He just wouldn’t do that.

A coworker of mine has connected me to a male friend of hers – who, after seeing my photo – was interested in getting to know me. Handsome guy. She says he’s the kind of person who would treat a woman like gold. I told her I’m wiling to get to know him….but I’m also not looking for a rebound either. Anyway….my heart is open to whatever comes my way. I just prefer a particular person to come my way!! haha!

[Rebecca S]

Hi Spyce,
You’re right. I do want to reach out to him to see if he is doing ok – which I already know the answer to. However, I’ve made the commitment not to reach out to him until the middle of April – one full month. The thing is – I originally only knew about his mom’s condition from a third party – (oddly enough, my ex) – not from him. But when I saw him in September….he eventually did leak out over a series of conversations that she is really not doing well and it worries him. He has not said anything to me about his mom’s current condition, but the last time we spoke about her…..a month before he came out here – she had been doing no better. So, I feel like me reaching out to see how he is doing, given his mom isn’t well…..would seem like an “excuse” for me to reach out to him. I sent at least four to five texts letting him know that I hope his mom is doing well and that he enjoys his visit with her. I think that’s good enough for right now. As for why he was thinking of ending things…..that could be for a number of reasons – either too many emotions he’s feeling dealing with both me and his mom at the same time, or it could be the barrage of texts I sent him after he stonewalled me when we had our last conversation (which he saw as confrontational). It could also be that I am very close to signing my separation papers….and that might make him feel like I’m going to expect him to step up and fill more of a role in my life…..which couldn’t be further from the truth.
After some personal reflection this past week, I’ve come to realize that there is a reason why I like long distance relationships. They’re good when you’re together….and then you can go home and have your own space again. I’ve come to realize that I am not interested in marrying again…..and I don’t think I’m even interested in living with someone full time. At some point down the road, I’ll share that with him…..and that may either lighten his mind or make him doubt me more because maybe he wants those things. I really have no clue!

So, no, I’m not going to reach out to him, not for 30 days. And even then, I think he may reach out to me before then. But thanks for supporting me emotionally if that’s where my heart was leaning. The last thing I told Joey was that, while I’m not happy with him, I will always love and care about him. At least he knows that much.

Have a great weekend! I am going to take my son back to his dad, and drive up to Albany to spend an overnight with one of my best friends! Girl time!

[Rebecca S]

You ladies are really great. I’m sure you know that already. Heidi – when you say “keep holding a higher vision of him” do you mean to just spend time visualizing him being who I need him to be? It’s funny, because I”m not sure I really buy into that sort of thinking, BUT I WILL say that there have been plenty of times where I’m thinking about him, and saying to myself “I’d really like to hear from him RIGHT NOW,” and I kid you not, he’ll contact me before the thought is over. When we were kids…..the same thing would happen….but the contact would come by regular CORDED phone!

Spyce – your replies really make me chuckle. To answer some of your questions above:
– in high school, my best friend REALLY did not want me dating him (actually, it seemed she didn’t want me dating PERIOD.) So her opinions did have an impact on the delay I had in eventually letting myself fall for him. It was hard for me at first to determine if I really liked him….or if I liked the fact that he really liked me so much, and was pretty extreme, yet secretive, in how he showed it. But to answer the question of if I never bought into the idea that he was “it” for me…..I can’t say that’s true. He was always, always, always, the “what if” in my mind. The attraction we had for each other once I gave in to myself was pretty magnetic. He made me feel safe, secure, protected, like there was no one else more important than me. As I write that out, I realize that growing up with an older terminally ill brother…..I never had those feelings with my parents because their attention was always on my brother. So, maybe that played into things too.
While he was “My big regret” or my big “what if” for so many years…..once we got together almost 3 years ago – he did feel perfect for me. He wasn’t needy when I spent 30 years with an exceptionally needy alcoholic. He was a strength for me – meaning he was always open to let me vent to him, to listen and offer advice….and often times to simply just listen without saying anything….but just to hug me and say “I’m sorry this is happening” and sometimes even to say “I wish I knew what to say to you.” He gave me all the affection I’ve always wanted from a relationship. Not groping. Not just sexual attention, but adorable, sweet, and tender affection. When we were together…he couldn’t pass me by in the kitchen or by my work desk without touching me….and when we’d sit on the couch to watch tv, it was given for him that we would be touching somehow. I asked him two years ago to take the love language quiz – and his top two love languages were quality time and physical touch. AFter that, acts of service (which I hear usually comes first with avoidants). The fact that he was even willing to take that assessment for me….I was surprised he even did it!

Truly….his good definitely outweighed the bad – especially since he never pulled away, but just three times in these three years. Only these three arguments went unfinished. The others, he stuck out with me to their conclusion. I was telling my therapist yesterday that I think there is something to the fact that the second incidence (a full year and seven months after the first incident) and now this current one of him pulling away BOTH came within a week of him coming home to see his mom. My thinking behind this (and I could be wrong) is that since January 2020 – his mom became very weak after a heart procedure that had her in the hospital for weeks. That procedure I knew about because he had to explain to me why he was spending almost a month here in NY over Christmas when normally it would be 7-10 days. He was def nervous about that procedure, but there was the idea that this was going to help her, make her stronger. But in July she took a turn for the worse…..and that was when I started to notice a change in his behavior, like he was pulling into a turtle shell. I wouldn’t have even KNOWN that his mom wasn’t doing well if it wasn’t for my soon to be ex who TOLD ME because he works so closely with Joey’s sister….and his sister told my ex.
I know she continues to not do well…..and the way Joey is with talking about or facing death…..he CANNOT and WILL NOT have those conversations. He feels like talking about death is inviting it into your life. Me…..I’m so opposite. I have my memorial service planned out….who’s gonna sing what song…..who is gonna say what poem….the photos I want used for a slide show! We couldn’t be more different in that way! But anyway…..I do think there is something to the effect that these second two incidences (when we had spent a year and seven months with good communication, no pulling away, no stonewalling, both happened right before his trip home to see his sick mom. I think it was just too much for him to deal with the emotions that popped up regarding his mom….while also dealing with any emotions regarding me. He even said in his last text to me that he was “distracting himself with home projects….” I’m not even sure he realized he used the phrase “distracting himself.”

Anyway…..I feel bad for him. He has so many emotions and was obviously never taught how to properly deal with them in healthy ways. That has to be a horrible feeling having all those negative emotions show up at one time. What can I say….I love him. I always will. Whether we are together or not…..I will always want the best for him. I’m just not sure he knows how to get that for himself.

[Rebecca S]

annnnnnnd……now that I spent that time this morning revisiting our past since high school…..I do feel pretty sad and melancholy today thinking about him. Tears in my eyes as I write that.

[Rebecca S]

forgot to answer that he is a Pisces and I’m Gemini. Though…..after speaking to people who understand astrology…..he doesn’t seem to be a typical Pisces.

[Rebecca S]

oh one more thing….that Billy Joel song – “And So it Goes” – is definitely our song. Whenever it comes on in my Spotify playlist when he and I are together…..he will just shush me….and we will just either sit there or lie there together listening to it in silence. He has a leather bracelet I gave him with the words “And So it Goes” on it. I gave this to him back in 2018. When he came home last September, he had lost it in the airport, and was so upset that it was gone. I got him a new….and actually better one…..that I gave to him when I stayed with him three weeks in November. There is no question in my mind that the bracelet is on his wrist right now. No question at all.

ok….so now…..you know everything there is to know about us!

[Rebecca S]

Hi Spyce,
You hit the nail on the head – I don’t want to see him suffer or hurt….whether because of me or his own choices. Growing up with a terminally ill brother who was teased mercilessly by mean kids in the 70’s…….I hate seeing people feel hurt. In the last two years, I have come to believe that I may be an empath – because I can feel what other people are feeling before they even tell me what they’re feeling. I don’t know how to explain it….but I just sense it. Whether it’s anxiety or fear or anger or sadness…..I actually sense it in them and then FEEL those same feelings as well. That part of me was not helpful in the codependent relationship I developed with my ex because I eventually felt responsible to dissuade those feelings in him so I wouldn’t have to feel them myself.

As for high school…..I think it’s a great story! haha! He is 3 months older than me, but was in a grade behind me. It’s probably important to know that I went into high school after spending 3-8th grade in a private, religious school, so I came into high school with very high standards, morals, etc. I was not the partier, drinker, etc. I wasn’t craving the attention of boys all the time. I had my boundaries in dating relationships (wasn’t gonna sex with anyone). It’s so funny…because I never realized how much of an impact my standards had on so many people around me…..people I never even spoke to. 30 years later, and I get facebook messages from people who tell me how much they respected me in high school for my standards and morals….that I was kind, stuck up for the kids who were bullied, befriended the kids that others wouldn’t. I didn’t belong to a clique.

When I met Joey – he was in 9th grade, I was in 10th. He was dating someone a year ahead of me….and that very quickly died out. She was nearly the opposite of me. Dressed very seductively…..was sexually active….etc. Joey has told me since high school, that when he first started to like me that it wasn’t about sex for him. In fact…..much to my dismay (haha), he has told me more than once in the last few years, that his attraction to me back then was extremely strong, something he couldn’t understand, and definitely wasn’t sex driven. He pursued me like crazy…..for two and a half years. We were in band together….that’s how we got to know each other. Early on…..he wouldn’t tell me outright how he was feeling, but I would hear it from SO MANY other people that he really liked me. Some people used the word “obsessed.” Back then, he was a bit of an odd one…..very handsome…..but quiet….in a kind of intimidating way. I never really knew for sure what he was thinking. One time (at band camp….sorry, couldn’t resist) – one time in band……I noticed a folded paper that fell out of his pocket. My best friend picked it up after he walked away….and when she and I opened to read it after he left, it was actually a note to himself about how he felt about it…..like a journal entry. Reading his feelings in that note made me more intimidated to even show that I may like him because he was so intense, I wasn’t sure what that would mean for me in a relationship with him. I dated people casually back then, and mostly one person from a different school. Never let anyone call me their girlfriend. The various people I went out on dates with then – I knew I could maintain self control, but with Joey…..because of his intensity towards me….I wasn’t sure I could trust myself with him.
As we became friends…..he would leave a letter in my locker every single day – first thing in the morning…or right after lunch. I’d respond back. Sometimes, there would be roses left by my locker….and I always knew they were from him…..tho he wouldn’t say……yet his friends would give him up.

In my senior year…..we became closer friends….we’d talk on the phone for hours after school because we rarely saw each other during school. For his junior prom…..he asked someone else to go from his own class…..but something happened that night that had him eventually call me and ask me if I wanted to go see a movie with him. So instead of going to his prom, he and I went out on our first date….kind of. We sat in the car in my driveway after getting home and talked for a few hours before I went in. I think that’s when I started to realize I really liked him….and that maybe I didn’t need to be scared of what a relationship with him might look like. We continued as good friends until after my graduation – which…..side note: I’m a piano player….and he got me one of those crystal pianos as a graduation gift…..but for some reason, couldn’t find the courage to give it to me himself, so he had a friend of his give it to me instead. I sat on the stoop of my house (which was across from the road that exited my high school), waiting to see him drive home after graduation, but the stinker must have went out the opposite way to avoid my house on his way home that day. Getting that gift from him was a turning point for me.

The summer after high school – I had already enlisted in the Marines and would leave in September – we spent a LOT of time together….basically as a couple…..altho I had a hangup about saying we were boyfriend and girlfriend. In my eyes back then, my dad always told me, “don’t let a boy control you if you’re dating him,” so I thought as long as I didn’t let them call me their GF, they didn’t have a “Right” to me, so to speak. This REALLY hurt Joey. To him…..being able to call me his GF meant that I was something special to him…..and he has told me since that because I didn’t let him use that term, he felt like I didn’t want to be something special to him. It was a conversation we would have often back then….about him being able to call me his GF and me saying he was my BF. But things did get intense then. He’d show up at my window at night…..and I’d let him in…and we’d just spend time together doing everything teen couples do (except sex). He never once pushed me for more.

When I went to the Marines, he wrote me a letter EVERY SINGLE DAY. He did not miss ONE day of writing me a letter while I was in boot camp. No one wrote me more letters than he did. Not even my mom! And man, did the drill instructors harass me about the brown envelope letters from “Joey.” It became a nightly ritual when mail was delivered. After boot camp, he was one of a handful of people at my house when I got home for a welcome home gathering. We got together during my leave a number of times. I came home maybe in Feburary or March for a long weekend. He picked me up at the airport with big signs with my name on it as he waited for me in baggage area. We’d spend a lot of time together….but then I just started to feel like he would be going off to college….I was in the Marines…..how was this going to work? I remember writing him a letter that I handed to him when he dropped me off at the bus station that would take me back to the airport – in that letter were the lyrics to Billy Joel’s “And So it Goes” – and it was kind of my way of saying…..”I love you, but I’m not sure things will stay the same once you go to college.” He was not swayed to end things just because he’d be going to college. But then, in the marines…..I found myself in a situation where I was sexually assaulted by someone I went on a date with……and coudln’t deal with the shame of it all…..and didn’t want to see him after that…..and told him I was dating someone – with the thought that it would drive him away (even tho I was not dating that person after what they did). It did drive him away. He was furious. We didn’t speak for a month.

As fate would have it, the band competition that year was in Virginia Beach….which is where I was stationed. When I heard they were coming down, I asked to meet with him….and I did …..and I told him the truth of what happened. He was visibly upset and shaking….because he was so furious. We still didn’t get back together at that point. But then a month or two later, my roommate told me she saw Joey on base, and was asking around for the guy who had assaulted me. I had NO IDEA he was in Virginia Beach – which, mind you, is a 9 hour drive from where he lived. He did not come to see me, but he came to find and beat the shit out of the Marine who took advantage of me. Unfortunately for him…..the guy he was looking for had left for a different duty station weeks earlier.

I made my way home for his high school graduation – saw him then, but we were not on speaking terms then….and he wasn’t ready yet to talk to me….or maybe he thought I didn’t want to talk to him. I don’t know. But I do know that he was extremely hurt by me. So much so, that his sister (who currently happens to work 10 feet from my ex husband) – when she realized last year that I was the “Becky” that her brother went out with in high school…..she just shook her head and said, “girl, you have no idea how crazy he was about you.”

I eloped at 19….for the sake of having a “family” in the marines. He was devastated by that, even tho we were just friends at that point. He has mentioned over the years to me that he was so bothered that I didn’t invite him to the wedding reception when we finally had one months later…..and I told him that there was no way I wanted to see him at my wedding reception because I knew even then….that I shouldn’t have gotten married….and seeing him would just be too painful a reminder of the mistake I made. Funny side note…..my ex’s name is Patrick. But Joey (Who HATES to be called Joe) – would ONLY ever call him “Pat” because he KNEW my ex hated to be called Pat. They never met, but when Joey would talk to me about Patrick….he would always say “Pat” – kind of in defiance. He still calls him that today. All during the marriage, Joey and I would still connect at holidays…talk on the phone…check in with each other. When I came home to NY, we would see each other….and catch up on each other’s lives.

After my ex cheated on me when my first child was born ….within a year (2002), I found myself seeing Joey for two weekends. The second weekend I spent with him was the first time we ever had sex…..this was 13 years after high school graduation. I wanted out of my marriage. I wanted to see where things could go with him….but I remember him saying something like he wasn’t in the place to take care of a baby – my daughter was one. So I walked away after some time of phone calls and texts…..and eventually blocked him (by 2004). Years later, when he and I revisited that conversation…..he swore that’s not what he meant by it…..but that what he meant was he didn’t want to be the reason to break up my family. If I wanted to leave….it had to not be because I wanted to go to him….but because I simply wanted to leave my ex, which I did…..I just didn’t think I could do it alone because I didn’t make enough money to support her and I.

When things reached a head in 2018 with my ex……I knew I was done, done, done. I think I said this earlier, but I thought for sure I had seen Joey pass my house on the 4th of July. So I unblocked him on FB and asked him if he just passed my old house. It wasn’t him…..but we very quickly reconnected….saw each other three weeks later, and have been together ever since. When we got together that first time, I told him, that I wasn’t meeting him for a booty call….and that we would not be having sex. We didn’t. But I will say that as much as I pushed my own boundaries…..he stuck to them out of respect for me. After that one visit, I was out West visiting him within 6 weeks….and the rest is history.

So….that’s the story. Whew! That was a lot!

[Rebecca S]

Hi Heidi,
I’ve heard of the enneagram before. Taken the assessment as well. Thanks for the extra suggestions on ways to take care of myself. One of my girlfriends – after I told her I have been feeling ok lately – said, “could that be telling you something? that you’re ok?” I think she was implying that maybe the relationship wasn’t all that I had thought it to be. But I don’t feel that way, for many reasons. It’s very possible I’m avoiding my feelings – but I’m really not sure that I am, because I am taking all of my energy and refocusing it on a few things: 1) being good to myself by surrounding myself with supportive people who love me, by keeping physically active, etc; 2) by taking a lot of inventory on myself – what makes me who I am….what is important to me in a relationship, what are deal breakers, what are the needs I have that are non negotiable, listening to podcasts about things like “how not to take things personally”…..or “Divorce survival guide;”3) learning more about dismissive avoidants so I know how best to respond in a loving way if and when Joey reaches out months down the road, while remaining true to the boundaries I have defined and set for myself.
Basically, I’m focusing on becoming a better, stronger me. Also…..I’ve been through a shit ton in my life – from watching my 14 yr old brother die when I was 12, actually witnessing two separate friends die of horrible (and I do mean horrible) accidents in my teens, certain types of abuse and harassment while in the Marine Corps (which I got justice for!), my dad dying in my early 20’s, helping my daughter navigate through the aftermath of a rape last year, 30 years of marriage to a manipulative alcoholic, and lots more. Writing that out just seems CRAZY to me….but it’s my life. It’s made me who I am….which is a strong woman who truly feels things, but also puts them in a grander perspective. A breakup is not going to be the end of the world for me. It’s not going to knock me down for any more than a few days to a week – TOPS. I actually visualize picking myself up and forcing myself to move forward, while also forcing myself to pay close attention to the things in my life that are beautiful…..and there are PLENTY of beautiful things in my life for which I am grateful.

As for why I care if he was surprised by my decision or not…..I think I wonder about it in terms of if he feels rejection over it….or if he’ll take that to confirm the lies that many avoidants tell themselves that “relationships with me never work out” sort of thing. For me….and this may seem hard to understand for many….but I want to be loving and show kindness even in the midst of a breakup. That’s just who I am. And also….I’m just a curious person….who is always interested in what other people think about things. Simply a curiosity, really.

Again….thanks for the other suggestions!

[Author]

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