Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Thank you, Spyce. I told him years ago that I lived so many years with regret where it concerned him, and that I had no plans to ever live that way again….as it concerns him. So, It’s all on him now. I at least hope – at some point down the road, he and I can return to being friends again.
Thanks to both you and Heidi for your support this past month. I greatly appreciate it!
So, I’ll be mailing out the tshirt on Friday, along with this hand written note:
Hi J,
Thanks for sending my protein mix to me. I appreciate it. I hope the rest of your visit with your mom was a good one, and that she is doing well. I’m sure she was so happy to have you home and grateful for whatever projects you did around the house for her. You’re a good son, Joey.
The T-shirt was something I had gotten you a while back for your birthday, and I still want you to have it. I hope you like it. The thumb drive….well you can see for yourself what that is.
It’s funny how things go. I know I told you once or twice soon after we reconnected that “high school Becky” was so petrified of the idea of being your GF back then for two reasons, one being that I was afraid the day would come when you would end it because you’d eventually realize I wasn’t all you had conjured up in your mind. The idea of you dumping me was something I didn’t think I’d be able to handle back then. Looking back and analyzing it, I sometimes wonder if I unconsciously sabotaged things back then to avoid that from happening. I mean, read the words to “And so it goes” and it’s basically saying “you have all of me, please be careful with it.”
And here we are, 32 years later…..and a part of me still feels that way. While I do feel I didn’t deserve the treatment I got -being ignored (tho I now realize you may have been stressed about things related to your mom), but when you came out and said “I’m thinking of ending things” to me, well that was something I was still terrified to experience. So, I made the call, even though it wasn’t what I wanted at all. I had to make the call that showed respect for myself even tho I would never have chosen to call it quits on you.
Anyway, I miss you, Joey. I think of you often, and probably will for a while, though I will say I am doing better than I anticipated by trying new things and being open to meeting new people.
If you don’t mind reading more, I’d like to tell you somethings I’ve realized about myself this past month. First, I definitely relied on contact with you to boost my mood during the day. Not healthy, and not fair to you. I’ve learned there are plenty of things I can (and have) been doing to make me feel happy and balanced, and I have plenty of friends to be there for me when I need it.
Second, I brought my own history of shit into the relationship with you. Meaning, I kept anticipating the worst case scenario to come because that’s what I learned with Pat. Also, not healthy and not fair to you.
Third, and this was the one to really take me by surprise, was when I was expressing to you my feelings about the Instagram girl and got on your case that I couldn’t remember a time when you’ve said things like that to me in person, it hit me hard the other day that I could not recall a time that I’ve done that for you. What a hypocrite I am! I was upset that my perception was that you hadn’t done something for me that I myself have never even done for you. It really was an eye opener for me. I contemplated it for an hour or so. And I’d sincerely like to tell you I’m sorry for that. You deserve more. You deserved to know straight from my mouth what I thought about you in terms of how sexy you are to me, how smart I think you are; how confident yet sensitive I believe you to be.
I really want nothing but the best for you. While I’m not on the hunt to get married or live with someone (I’ve also learned I like long distance relationships for a reason), I hope you know without question that I love you…..and not just in the ways that people who are dating say. Whether we ever speak again (and God, I hope we do) I will always feel a love for you that I’m not sure I can explain. I will always be so thankful for the times I was able to spend with you, feeling safe, feeling accepted, and allowed to just be myself. I have never had that before, and I’m really grateful I had it with you. If there’s ever anything you need from me, I hope you know I’d be there for you in a heartbeat, with no expectations in return.Please don’t be a stranger to me, Joey. It would really hurt me so much to have you completely gone from my life….and I know it’s not like you to want to purposely hurt me.
I’m here for you always,
Love,
BeckyP.S. if you haven’t watched the Falcon and the Winter Soldier episodes yet, you need to! They’re awesome! PW is the same.
He finally came back to FB today. He seriously trimmed down on his friends list. I’m not on there anymore. Tho he left me on Instagram. No clue what that means. But he did leave my best friend on his list. Thinking that was purposely done.
Yeah.. definitely bonded to his mom. He once told me….about a year ago…..(not out of the blue, it was within the midst of a discussion about his mom)….he said, “my mom will always come first,” meaning…she’d even come before me. I responded to that by simply saying, “that was an insensitive thing to say. Just because something is true, doesn’t mean it needs to be said.” And then I went on to explain how I’d put my kids’ needs before his own….but what would be the point in me saying that out loud?? none.
Anyway….I did answer the question about long distance relationships and their safety for me. This is the biggest reason:
To answer your question about my worries about dating someone local: good question! I really need to give this more thought other than what I’ve already said.
I think part of me thinks it’s easier to keep a new relationship hidden from my kids and soon to be ex when they are not local. I don’t want any of them knowing about any potential relationship until I know it’s something worth telling them about.
I have had about 10-12 people (two of them my husbands friends, not mine) express to me their concern for my safety due to the rage my ex has expressed to people when talking to them about me. He never lets me see that side of him (meaning any rage towards me in particular), tho I have experienced his drunken rage at other things. He is an NRA instructor (as is also my 14 year old son), and given his access to many guns, a number of people have shared concerns with me over his mental instability, behaviors that are from one extreme to the other (very calm to rage, with no middle ground), and the fact that people say “to him, you are his entire world.”
So that said, I feel like it’s safer for me to keep relationships at a distance for now, because there is no telling what he might do if he knew I was seeing someone and that person is local for him to “get to” so to speak. He once told me about a year ago that if I ever moved on and married a particular person (someone I involved myself with once two years after he cheated on me when I was pregnant and even after my daughters birth), he told me “If you think you’re gonna marry that guy, I will show up, kill him and kill myself because that’s not gonna happen.”
He said this SOBER.
So that’s another reason….and probably a big one.Thank you! And of course I don’t hate you! I totally understood where you were coming from. I’m going to give it to April 12 and mail out the t-shirt and a note to let him know I’m thinking of him…want the best for him (and his mom), and that I miss him. What he does with that is his call. Kills me tho to think he’s hurting and is now back home…alone. Oh well. Appreciate all the support here!
Great analogy about the Empire State Building. The thing is…..while his mom isn’t as strong as she used to be….and she isn’t as mobile as she used to be (she needs a cane now….and I don’t think she’s at the point of using a walker)….she still is well enough to live alone and get by. She isn’t at death’s door. My assumption is that she has quite a few years ahead of her. But then again….Joey is extremely close to his mom….he is her youngest son from the man she truly loved (her other son is from a different man)…and Joey’s dad died when he was 5 or 6. So, I’m guessing Joey probably fell into “male caretaker role” for his mom. Actually, I’m not guessing that. I know that. I mean, he bought her house and pays the mortgage on it so she will always have a place to call home. He could live in a great home of his own out west, but chooses to live in a small two bedroom to be able to support his mom staying in the house. Granted, he also owns a second home in NC that he rents out. But his fear of death is deeper than anyone else’s that I know. He won’t even DISCUSS it. When I tell him that he’s a great son to his mom…..calling her twice a week (when he hates talking on the phone)….and all he does to support her and the house projects he does for her when he is home…..he will still answer by saying, “If I were really a good son, I would have found a way to move back to NY by now so my mom isn’t alone.”
Thanks for the suggestion about not sending the money – but it was over $15 to send it because he chose to send it two day air. I just felt like “why should he have to pay that so I could get the thing I wanted?” Do you think sending the money would be an insult to him?
Thank you for saying all that. I absolutely took it how you meant it. I didn’t feel you were saying that I rejected him, but that maybe he was thinking that way. And the thought of him thinking that way never occurred to me, and the idea that it’s possible he could think that way turns my stomach, because I don’t ever want to make him feel that way. Ever.
After writing my last post, I reached out to a friend and shared with her your thoughts, and in doing so I remembered that first day we reconnected…when I told him he was my big regret….he wouldn’t believe me. He kept saying, “I think you’ve recreated in your mind what actually happened. I was never ‘all that’ to you.” Like….I had to go into details of things that I had thought about him over the years to prove to him that he had always been on my mind all the time. And that back in high school….I was scared to be with him in ways more than a friend because I secretly felt like I wouldn’t be able to handle him dumping me. And even that, he had a hard time believing. So I think it’s very possible he may be feeling that way. But I’ll never know really. All I want for him – even if we don’t ever get back together- is to know how much he has always meant to me and that I’ll always love and care for him.
At the same time, I have been working on knowing that I can’t manage people’s emotions.So….I’m considering reaching out to him at the 30 day mark. Just not sure how to do it.
Was considering sending him a package with a West Point tshirt I have for him and $15 dollars to cover the cost of mailing me my protein mix back, along with a note that sincerely thanks him for sending it back to me and letting him know that I miss him, that I hope to hear from him, and that I truly hope he is doing ok.Thoughts on that?
Heidi…do you think the way Spyce does? That maybe he’s felt rejected by me for 30 years?
If you think he is really hurt….what would you say my next steps are? If any?
Wow. That actually made me sick to my stomach to read…..that in his mind, he may think that I have been rejecting him since day 1, and for 30 years. I don’t know that he has wanted to be with me for 30 years. He has never said that to me. Now maybe he was just protecting himself, but when I told him at the very beginning of reconnecting in 2018 that he was alwsys my biggest regret….my ONE regret….and I told him how sorry I was about it…..he assured me (truth or not, I don’t know) that he has been fine all these years. I’ll never forget his words, “yeah, you were a big deal to me in high school, but it’s been many years since then.” He said it in a way that o shouldn’t have been so sorry. Maybe that was a “front” on his part? I don’t know.
Why would he say “I’m thinking of ending things” as a tactic to leave me before I left him when every single thing I said to him even after our argument was nothing but reassuring that I wanted him in my life. That I wanted him to want me.
I left a voice message for him after that argument, a week before he came to NY and I told him that in my 30 year marriage, there was never any “dreaming” on my part. But with him, I started to dream again. I told him EXACTLY, “I want you. I want you so much. But I don’t need you in order to survive.” Then I told him, and I quote, “maybe I’m not what you want. And if that’s the case, then just be a man and tell me.”
I mean, sheesh…even after I said I was just gonna “call it to make it easier for both of us,” I told him “while I’m not happy with you right now, I will always love and care about you.”
And even in the midst of that argument about the Instagram personality, I told him outright that there is no one else I want to be with….there is no one else I find sexier than he is.” That was after a comment he made to me where he said “now I’m not the most handsome guy or most attractive guy out there, and I hate to be blunt, but you need to recognize this about yourself too. There will always be more attractive people out there, but that doesn’t mean that we aren’t attractive ourselves.”
It was after that comment when I told him there is no one else I find sexier than him….and that is he truth.So why in the world would he think “let me end this before she does?” Because no part of me was hinting at ending anything.
This is why I think he IS an avoidant because maybe me saying those things to him about how I feel about him was just too much.
I mean….I sent him a cake for his birthday even tho I knew he wasn’t planning on seeing me.
I guess I’m wondering why you’re doubting that he is an avoidant? I’d love to know why you second guess it.
Honestly…..and please know I’m not mad….but reading what you just wrote turned my stomach, because I would NEVER EVER want him to feel like I don’t want him.
haha! I knew Heidi would eventually find her way center stage! It’s interesting you think he sent it back to me as a passive aggressive move. You may be right, but I don’t know – he and I have always been really respectful of each other….and very caring – even in the midst of when he’s been annoyed with me, or vice versa – which didn’t happen that often. I did ask him about mailing it to me before he even left for NY…and two weeks before I ended things….so maybe he was just giving me what I asked for. But then again….he didn’t leave a note – which I didn’t expect at all anyway. So maybe he’s mad. Tho I’m not sure why he would be when he was the one to say he was thinking about ending things. I don’t know how someone says that to someone….and then thinks their partner will just say, “oh ok….I’ll just wait over here while you decide if I’m worth sticking around for!’ Nope!
I’m sure he is hurting that I chose to take matters in my own hands and make the decision for the both of us. But there was no way for me to do anything else and maintain any self esteem. I don’t want him to hurt. I really don’t. But I can’t manage his emotions for him. WHat can I say? I love him, yet I can only control what I can control.
Thanks for the feedback from your perspective!
That IS me. I always want the best for everyone. I don’t want to really lead this guy into thinking anything serious anytime soon. We are just getting to know each other at this point. Poor thing is recuperating from hip surgery last week from a recurring sports injury. He was pretty loopy when he got out of surgery and sent me a photo (which, only a week into being introduced, I’d normally not be crazy about that). But knowing he was loopy and drugged up…..just kind of made it cute.
Your question about Joey possibly being hurt or mad….I honestly don’t know. I’ve learned that anything is possible. While his mother isn’t in the best of health – she isn’t dying. She is just very limited in her mobility and lives alone….and that does worry Joey….especially when he feels his siblings who live close by don’t take care of her well enough. So I don’t know if he would expect me to have given any thought to him being stressed about his mom….because he doesn’t ever COMMUNICATE those feelings to me directly. Like, he doesn’t say, “Becky, I’m really worried about my mom and my focus is on her right now.” But in the past when I am out there with him, he will express concerns for her lack of mobility and worries about her not being looked in on enough by his sisters. So, should I have made an assumption? I don’t know. Not to mention, he shut me out over a week before he arrived here in NY due to me bringing up my dislike of him constantly liking some Instagram personality’s photos (think Vegas girl who only covers what is necessary). He did NOT LIKE me expressing how I felt about his likes of her photos. And believe me…..I used nothing but “I statements.” Even said, “I’m not accusing you or even mad at you. I’m just telling you how I feel.” He couldn’t handle it….because in his mind, he tells me I’m beautiful all the time…..when in my mind, I’ve only READ (not heard) that word from him about me once. That doesn’t mean he hasn’t called me pretty, naturally pretty, cute, sexy, etc…..but when he comments on some woman’s photo and tells her “wow! Just incredibly beautiful” but can’t say those things to me?? Nah. I’m gonna have something to say about that, and I’ll do it in a way that expresses how I feel….not what HE’s doing.
So, it’s a toss up. He could be hurt that I was demanding he speak to me while he was here…..while he’s visiting his mom……or he could be mad at me for being a “sensitive female who overthinks and has a bad memory of the times he’s told me I’m beautiful” (his words, not mine).
I try not to assign meaning to him returning my protein mix (which I asked about twice – once before he came to NY, and then after I ended it). I politely asked him to return it to me because it expires in July. I wish I knew his state of mind when he sent it back in 2 day mail. Did he want it out of his house to get rid of the reminder, or was he trying to be nice by giving me what I had asked for? I could drive myself crazy guessing, but I’ll never know.
Yesterday, on my hour walk, I actually played out conversations in my mind with him…..how – if there is any chance down the road….how there will have to be an agreement that he either tells me when he’s getting flooded so we can take a time out and then return to it later……or he tries to communicate through the conflict. Focusing on what is important to me these last few weeks has really given me a new solid foundation of what I can and will not put up with in a relationship. I’m just too old for this nonsense.
Anyway…it’s been five weeks since that argument where he shut down…..and almost three weeks since I “called the relationship.” Still all very recent, but feels like months ago! People tell me, I should feel the opposite….like the breakup seems like yesterday. For me….it feels like two months has gone by already. Not sure what that means either.
Oh also…..given that Heidi is an avoidant….or was one…..I’m really curious what she thinks about whether or not Joey may feel hurt….or if he’s mad. And also his possible emotional state when mailing me my stuff. Granted….all guesses, I know…but maybe another avoidant would have a different insight.
Thanks for letting me vent!
Becky
