[Fung M]

These things happened in my past are things that happened with family as a child. Over the years, I remembered I opened up this to 3 guys I met. All of them are dates after my last relationship. I managed to stay calm for the first 2 guys because I didn’t open up enough. The third guy I opened up to was Guy B and I ended up crying. Ironically Guy B thought the opening up drew a closer connection between the 2 of us. I will try your suggested way to be open and honest. I admit that I usually determine whether I will open up based on my understanding to a guy and whether he deserves it or not.

Yes I admit I have the fear of rejection, may be more serious than men. I found it very face losing to be rejected at those days. But after getting rid of my last relationship, I found that it was completely okay to be rejected and just move on to someone new.

To be honest, I don’t feel “right” with any of my 4 committed relationships.For the first one, it was a long distance relationship and we were on and off in a relationship for 3 times. I was a bit upset when I knew something went wrong for the relationship but I had nothing that I could do about it. Finally I just moved on. When I looked back, I dislike his communications and maturity which is one of my non-negotiables now. The second one was someone from my college. I realized that he had a high degree of interest in me and that was how it started. Once the excitement of getting the “prey” was over, I just felt so unmotivated. The point which led to break up was our different view points to our career. I got offer on hand before the end of the semester and he seemed not to be worried even though he got nothing. Then it turned into fights and I could not tolerate him anymore and I broke up with him. The third one was someone I met during traveling after the 2 guys I rejected on my travel. But after I left, it went into a long distance relationship and things didn’t work. Actually I confessed that I regularly hanged out with sex partners during this relationship when he was not here. Things went sour because one day he discovered that I went out drinking and I got drunk. He was jealous and maybe I didn’t love him enough so I decided to leave. I disliked the lack of trust and personal space. I recalled that he even checked my phone when I was with him. The fourth one I realized him that he was interested in me and it was how it started. I chose him over another colleague (according to this boyfriend at that time, the other colleague looked at me in a way which he doesn’t want to leave me when this other colleague discovered my relationship. I think there is certain accountability when men judges on men about the interest in a woman). I admit that he helped me a lot in my career and we had a strong alliance at work due to our relationship. However he is quite bad in bed. At some point the idea of finding sex partners appeared in my mind again. But this was discovered, our relationship would come to an end and our alliance will be gone which would affect my career. So in the end I didn’t look for any sex partners during the relationship. Another point which I disliked was his decision was quite influenced by his mother. Even though sometimes his mother is talking about nonsense (such as raising a kid is to ensure that there would be someone to take care of you when you get old), he still found excuses to defend his mum’s stance. He wants kids and I am not interested in having any. Later on I no longer could tolerate it and I broke up with him.

[Fung M]

I realized many years later on how my childhood experience caused the sabotage on the guys I was interested. I was interested in being together with those guys but deeper connections would involve more difficult conversations about my family, which I was reluctant to talk about at that time. I know I would end up being upset and crying. I don’t want the guy to feel helpless with the situation and go freak out. That’s why I pushed them away. I understand that I have to get over my childhood experience and I had to talk about it when it came to such a conversation (I try not to initiate it but sometimes I have to face it).

[Fung M]

Well, actually I was in 4 committed relationships previously and one of them lasted for 6 years. But I realized there is an interesting pattern that all the 4 guys are probably not someone I like most at that time. I realized that they were interested in me at the start so I utilized this point for my benefits. At that time I think the guy investing more than you do to him is something good for a relationship. But later on I just found a lack of excitement and I left. Except the first relationship, I was the one who made the decision for the break up.

For the ones which I am interested in but I could not be with them, I knew them all during my travel! The 2 of them happened more than 8 years ago. I used to backpack when travelling so I would join someone for a few days during my trip if I bumped into someone interesting. The first one I met him while he was on his way to his world round tour during his gap year. We met in a hostel and found out we were going to the same destination. So we went for a trekking for several days with just the 2 of us before we departed. We exchanged contacts and later on he came to my city and stayed for 3 weeks. I showed him around and sometimes we went for a drink. One night while we were drinking, he said he wanted me to be his girlfriend and his physical touch was aligned with his words. We didn’t get laid that night although all sorts of physical contact had appeared. After that night, he still regularly proposed something like I joined him for his remaining part of his trip. I actually got a good job offer by that time. My concern was that if I went with him, I would be screwed up if I broke up with him at any point. I had no money, no job and nothing. At that time I was too afraid to tell him my thoughts. In the end I pretend I had some other guy which I was interested in to deter him away. From the first time we departed since our first encounter to the 2 months after he left my city, he regularly kept me posted by emails and even made a long distance call (There was no whatsapp at that time). I confess that I didn’t handle well at that time and things may be a little bit different if I reacted differently.

The second one was also someone I met during my travel 8 years ago. It was Christmas Eve and I was trying to take a good spot for photo shooting. The guy gave me his spot and we started the conversation afterwards. Then we went for a drink in a bar later that night to know each other more. We exchanged contacts afterwards and out of my surprise, he invited me for dinner before he left the city and he bought something special there as a gift for me. Since we lived in different cities, he would talk to me every day with his life, what he wanted to do, remind me to eat on time (my work was extremely busy at that time with long working hours). You can feel the heat was rising in the conversation. One day I was on a business trip to his country but in a different city. He sent me a parcel which I received on Valentine’s Day. There was a letter inside but I would not say it was an obvious love letter. I believed he did have certain degree of interest but I had so much fear things could go wrong if the intention of the parcel was not to send a love message (I think the denial came from the failure of the past long distance relationship which was from my first boyfriend and the guy I mentioned from the paragraph above). I did the worst thing I could do. I used the calmest tone to talk to the guy as usual about the receipt of the parcel as if nothing happened. As expected, the guy moved on to someone else few months later.

Actually the guys which I could not be with them but I am interested in them have some similarities. They all love travelling and they are adventurous and willing to explore new aspects of their life.

I absolutely agree that bars are just places for picking up someone for sex. lol I rarely encounter guys through this mean and the question is more like a confirmation. I usually know them through my social activity or at work for my previous ex boyfriends.

[Fung M]

For the guys who ghosted me, the first few I would have a feeling that it was my problem and think what I could do better. But after a few times, I got over the feeling and realized it was not my fault. Just we are not a good match and there is a lack of chemistry to go further. Just take it easy and move on to look for the next guy! I discovered that in the past my relationship usually ended with someone who was more interested in me than I am interested in them. Then the ones who I am really interested in could not be with me.

Actually Guy C is an American! lol So far the percentage of European in my pool is much higher than Americans and I admit they handle relationship and sex in a more open minded way.

I don’t have a lockdown in my city and places such as bars and restaurants are open with just a bit of restrictions. Do you ever think I should go to a bar and hang out so that hopefully I can bump into someone? Or join some outdoor activities group so that a better real connection can be made?

[Fung M]

Yes, I definitely agree that a lot of expats are not looking for something long term. And it splits into 2 types. 1 is at the start they openly tell you that they are not looking for something serious. I appreciate their honesty. Another type is that they pretend to be staying here in long term and at some point they will simply ghost you. lol

I indeed came a cross the type of foreigner who prefers women under the more patriarchal design. I am glad that I left him after 2 dates. He accused me of not respecting him and dating someone else although we both agreed to be non exclusive at the beginning. I simply told him I couldn’t change his mind if that was what he thought. Then I left him.

For Guy D and E, I would say I once had more interests in them when compared to B. But things were over and I accepted that those were facts and I moved on. What we should examine on my level of interest on the ones who ghosted me? Did it indicate something which I should work on?

I don’t need an arrangement. I am looking for love and connections. I can self sustain. I have a good life. Why do I need to look for an arrangement to support myself? lol

[Fung M]

Yes I admit that I am considering ending with B because of the incompatibles. Something interesting to tell you. For the coming Saturday, I told him I can’t be going out with him yesterday because I have to follow up on the renovation of my new place which takes a whole day (this time it is a truth). But I will be seeing him on Sunday. Then he said then it would be quite a wait before we see each other and he would miss me. Then I counter-offered him with 2 options. 1 is to meet up on Thursday night after work or 2 is to meet up after my language class on Tuesday night. He replied by saying why not both. Somehow I didn’t want to put too much focus on this guy and I went for option 1. For option 2, I explained to him it’s less preferable because I will have an important meeting the next day for a whole day (It is true but it also reflects that he is interested in me in a way more than I do). So plans were made for this week.

Well, I am from a city with a lot of expats working here. Due to my non-negotiables and my past experience in relationships with locals, I haven’t considered locals for dates since I moved on from my last break up in 2020 (although it was my decision). On the dating apps, I think over 90 percent of the expats are looking for someone to alleviate loneliness and get laid. The remaining maybe looking something serious. That’s my experience so far over there.

There is an interesting observation of the dating apps. Some of my friends are using these apps as well and end up settling down with someone although their partners are all locals. In the stage of search, they never or rarely get matches for expats (even though they swipe right for them) but I always get matches from the expats. Maybe I should say I am more fit into the criteria of beauty in the eyes of expats. lol Also according to the expats I have been hanging out with, a couple of times they appreciate my ability to communicate with them in English with no difficulty. Some of them say local girls here are quite bad in communicating with expats in English although it is so called an international city with British colonial history and we have been taught in English since we were small. So perhaps these are some points which differentiate myself from other girls in the market of expats.

I agree that maybe I should try meeting someone in real life. I have joined a hiking and language exchange group. I will try to attend the activities if time allows. Hopefully the group will have some activities upcoming in Easter.

[Fung M]

With regard to your advice, I cut down the no. of guys whom I casually hang out with. Although one showed up suddenly in text for a casual hangout tomorrow, I just made an excuse not to go for it. I think I need a break and have to focus more time and energy for finding the right guy.

[Fung M]

Things I want from my partner will be in the following sequence with some revision (the revision will be in bold):

1. Mature (mature means being able to communicate with you whenever issues arises rather than just walking away without any signs; also he can stay calm whenever he faces setbacks in his life and be able to have his back when I encounter problems in life or emotions due to my past experience (in a relationship is not smooth as always. this is one of the criterion as well)) and has life goals especially in finance (I have mine as well so that at one point I can sustain myself without working. The popular idea of FIRE, financial independence retire early. I hope he can be on the same page)
2. Accepts that my future family plan is NOT to have kids
3. Has a decent job which can sustain himself and sometimes (a couple of times a year) be able to give me surprises in a relationship
4. Compatible in bed
5. Shares similar interests as I do such as hiking, photography etc.
6. his parents do not involve too much in his life decisions (it is very common for parents to get involved when the relationship gets serious when compared to expats in my city. in the view of foreigners, relationship is just between the 2.)
7. his own place cannot be too untidy (For Guy D, I have been to his place and I remembered it was a mess. Clothes tucked in different places rather than folded. Plates remain unwashed unless he has to use it. I don’t need a clean freak but the untidiness reflects part of a guy’s personality or state of mind)
8.physical appearance cannot be too bad (cannot be too fat with a huge belly, better to stay fit)
9. Accept that marriage is not important and moving in for a committed relationship can replace marriage practically
10. Respect personal space. I don’t think moving in with a partner means we have to see each other every day. Sometimes both parties need a getaway with their friends as well without the partner joining
11. Love animals because I may keep a dog or cat in my place one day. But this is not a must. I am happy if I don’t keep one as well. I can go to friends’ place who has them.

For Guy A, I guess things are over as well. Because we started for a few months talking every day a little bit for the purpose of exchange and plus a casual hangout at bar sometimes. Then I took the advice to ask him what’s he looking for. He admitted that he wanted something to alleviate his loneliness. Then I gave a follow up question like whether he was exclusive to anyone. If yes, then stay at the equilibrium at that time. If no, then we can have fun but open communication is required. Anyone of us can walk out of the hang out and back to the equilibrium at the start if anyone becomes exclusive. Then this Guy A just ghosted and never replied. I guess it hits on one of the biggest non-negotiables. So he should be out of the picture.

For Guy B, actually we went for a date again this Saturday again. I know he may want to occupy my Sunday but I deliberately find things to do so I gave him a no for tomorrow which will be Sunday. We watched something together and he cooked our lunch at his place. After that we went for a hike and did some photography. He gave me something he bought for me which were a pair of trainers and T-shirt which he bought himself the same set as well. We still had interactions after the date today. But the interesting point is that we didn’t get laid at all for 2 weeks (well, I am ok with this because I have other sources for such purpose). He is 44 and I can’t imagine a guy at such an age being so sexually inactive. But so far I haven’t found suspicious trace of the existence of a committed partner in his place yet. For his past relationships, he claimed that all relationships were ended with mutual decisions (because I once touched on the topic of ghosting by saying I wonder how he ended his previous relationship. Simply tell the truth or ghost someone). I knew the last relationship was ended due to long distance relationship and the girl left him for a richer guy. It was in 2014. The one before his last relationship was ended based on mutual decision because the girl had some mental problems. He claimed he felt sorry for that but the relationship was not working so he had to leave. [Well the conversation went on much earlier on and it was on the text]

However, I have a few concerns for Guy B. So far he remembers what I like. He is financially solvent. He is really willing to spend on me. But I think he has a really long blank period between our dating and his last relationship. His room is so far tidied and organized. At least he is not messy like the Guy D. The following thing concerns me most. During our date this Saturday, I raised queries on the importance and extent on being religious. I regard myself an agonistic but he is someone very religious. That’s why we had a conversation last weekend in the view of sex outside marriage and the importance of sex in a relationship. He thinks issues in bed occupies a very small percent, around 5%, of a relationship. He also has a very conservative view on sex outside marriage. I disagreed much to be honest. [We got laid 2 weeks ago. At that moment, I would think at least he is a liberal person who practices religion. However from the last weekend conversation, I don’t think he is a as liberal as I think.] Another area of queries is the extent of practicing the religion. I think religion has to be practiced and up-to-date with the reality. However he still insisted on that it has to be followed (such as the practice of rest day each week). I questioned it by giving an example of shift duties of emergency services in the city such as firemen, policemen etc. Then it won’t be practicable. Then his reply was if you had enough faith you will get over this and he has never been in the situation of losing a job which requires shift because of his request of not being able to work on a particular day of the week. I disagreed with this and this discussion was during our lunch. But fortunately it didn’t run into a quarrel or fight. Afterwards we started to shift to other topics and our interactions seem to be as usual as before. But I admit at some point today I have thought of not seeing him anymore next week!

For Guy C, he knew the story of the Guy D as well. He fits in criteria 1,3,4 and 5. He confessed he once did ghosting in the past but now he gets older and realized that sometimes the truth has to be told to the other party. Just simply say, “Sorry baby it’s over.” I knew he is working on his goal of FIRE as well. He got property in South East Asia for lease and he plans to get one in my city once he gets permanent residency. For kids, since our hangout is really casual, we haven’t touched on this yet. For 3, it is definitely yes but the point is he is not doing it to me (our hangout is really casual, usually get some drinking and get laid). For criteria 4 definitely yes otherwise we won’t be casually hangout for a couple of times. For 5, there are common interests but we are not doing anything like this together so far. I have no chance to ask about his previous relationship yet but I know he is also casually hanging out with 2 other girls. He talked about his job sometimes.

Actually I am quite a reserved person. Guy B was the only one whom I open up with my interaction with my family last weekend and I ended up crying. Guy B was the one who was reassuring me and comforting me that he will try to keep my tears away if possible after that night in text. I rarely open up to the other dates so far because I knew I would end up crying and it will ruin the whole thing. But for Guy B, we touched on the topic about family a lot and I had to talk about it at some point. So we ended up with a heavy hearted conversation.

Sometimes I just wonder what’s going on with my swipes on dating apps. It seems 99% of the guys out there can’t fit my criteria. lol

[Fung M]

I think all these guys they partially fit into most of my non-negotiables but not all. I still hope to get a committed monogamous relationship. I agree that sometimes messing around did drain myself away with time and energy.

Guy B fits in 2,3 and 5. He has a job which can sustain himself and he sometimes will buy me something for surprise although we have been just dating for about 1 month. For criteria 1, he fits into maturity but he cannot fit into the criteria of working to the goal for “FIRE”. He thinks money is not that important. For criteria 4, actually he is the religious type of person. Although we did feel good for the sex we had, he was not sexually active as I expected (it is out of his religious guilt because we had a conversation on this last weekend when we met).

Guy D fits in 1,3,4 and 5. However from his conversation, he doesn’t want a huge family with lots of kids but still he prefers 1 or 2. The major problem with this one was that he ghosted me. I didn’t send any crazy messages except sending 1 after 4 days we stopped talking and around 1 month he ghosted me saying that I want some closure and move on to date someone new. However no replies were received from both messages. The chance with D was a bit slim.

Guy E fits in 1,3 and 4. We still have some similar interests such as drinking and doing long walks after drinks or dining but we seldom do a sporty outing so the overlapping of common interests are not as much as Guy B and D. I know he still wants kids from the conversation. We have stopped talking since he last gave me advice on my relationships. That was almost 3 weeks ago.

For A and C, our hang out was usually very casual so I didn’t know much about them. I know C fits in 1,3,4 and 5 from our conversation but the point he is not doing his hobbies with me as well.

The sequence of preference on the guys would be D, E and B. But ironically B should have the closest shot of getting to a committed relationship.

What’s your advice? Forget all about them and find one who fits all my criteria? Or accept some of my non-negotaibles to be negotiables? lol

[Fung M]

The no. 1 to 5 are non-negotiable.

Yes, I want someone who can get into a committed relationship with me. But when I know we are on different pages, you either accept it or go. Accepting it means I just define the guy as someone for getting laid,if he looks good physically.

[Fung M]

Things I want from my partner will be in the following sequence:

1. Mature and has life goals especially in finance (I have mine as well so that at one point I can sustain myself without working. The popular idea of FIRE, financial independence retire early. I hope he can be on the same page)
2. Accepts that my future family plan is NOT to have kids
3. Has a decent job which can sustain himself and sometimes (a couple of times a year) be able to give me surprises in a relationship
4. Compatible in bed
5. Shares similar interests as I do such as hiking, photography etc.
6. his parents do not involve too much in his life decisions (it is very common for parents to get involved when the relationship gets serious when compared to expats in my city. in the view of foreigners, relationship is just between the 2.)
7. physical appearance cannot be too bad (cannot be too fat with a huge belly, better to stay fit)
8. Accept that marriage is not important and moving in for a committed relationship can replace marriage practically
9. Respect personal space. I don’t think moving in with a partner means we have to see each other every day. Sometimes both parties need a getaway with their friends as well without the partner joining
10. Love animals because I may keep a dog or cat in my place one day. But this is not a must. I am happy if I don’t keep one as well. I can go to friends’ place who has them.

[Fung M]

Of course I hope I will get into a committed relationship but I just go on dating apps for around 9 months now. I have made matches continuously during the 9 months. There have been some dates going on but things didn’t work out. It just make me doubt whether it is my problem or this is the ecology of dating apps. That’s why at some point I lost hope of it and have the idea of getting things casual.

Well I should tell you the story of another guy. Let’s call it Guy D and he is a non-local as well. The guy who is giving me advice is Guy E. I have known D since last Christmas. We met on Christmas Day for a drink and afterwards he invited for a walk. After the first date, he invited me for another date on New Year. It was a hike plus lunch for the whole day time. After that we met each other more frequently. Usually a lunch date near his office on weekdays and 1 day at the weekends. For the weekends, it was usually a hike plus a meal, which occupied something from 11 am to 830 pm with dinner or lunch. He was always the one who initiated for selfies of both of us. The interaction on whatsapp looked normal so far. Both of us were the initiator of the conversation by 50:50. He would tell me what he was doing if he was not with me on that day. He told me what he wanted in his life and we exchanged our thoughts. He also told me his worries because he wanted to stay here but he was on a short term secondment. If he wants to stay, he has to secure another job offer before the visa expired. When we have been dating for around 1 month (that has been 6 or 7 dates already), he proposed me to come over his place for dinner on a Friday night on a date we had on Sunday. I accepted the offer. For that Friday, we turned out so spend time back to back from Friday night to Sunday evening. I was not expecting this and I wasn’t the one initiating it because I thought we should leave some personal space for each other. That weekend we were with each other from breakfast till dinner with going to beach or hiking or walking to an interesting place. Then I deliberately stopped contacting him after I got laid with him and see how things went. He still initiated the conversation on Whatsapp but I felt things were a bit off. Also, the rituals of lunch dating were gone immediately after that week. I did talked to him about my expectations on how things between us go. He agreed and offered to meet on Saturday like what we did previously. I recalled that we originally planned to go to a beach but when he received a message knowing that his colleague will be going to the same beach. We ended up going somewhere else. Also the interaction was not like in the past. He focused a bit more on his phone and there were less physical interaction.

Then I had an exam early on Sunday morning so I didn’t stay over with him. Before I left, he offered to meet on Sunday night after the exam. I said yes. On Sunday, he still texted me at around 530 pm telling me that he went to the beach and saying “see you tonight”. Then suddenly at 7 pm he texted me and asked whether I would be pissed off if he told me he would like to postpone the date to Monday night because he was very tired. I told him of course I was a bit unhappy but I understood that he was tired so l agreed to make it on Monday and see how things went.

Here came the climax. On Monday night, I went to his place (actually in the earlier text we both knew that would be a stay over and he still gave a positive reply). We had dinner. I knew something went wrong with our interaction because we had some dead air in our conversation. He looked nervous by scratching his arms and he stayed distant. At around midnight, he told me I could not stay and asked me to leave. I didn’t ask him for reasons or whatever (I think this would just get bullshit from him). I simply got my stuff and go. He said he wanted me to leave because he was stressful (Well, maybe because of his visa status and job offer. But probably not). That was the last time I saw him. I chose not to initiate any conversation with him after that day and tested him. He didn’t text me as well. On the 4th day of this incident (which was also the day which he would be doing his job interview at lunchtime, if he was telling the truth), I decided to text him at around 5 pm which he had enough time to digest all the things going on during the day. The content is something like this, “I hope the interview went well today. I realized that things between us have changed quickly since the last weekend.” I also offered to have a conversation. He read it with blue tick and never replied. Then after around 3 weeks from this ghosting, I tried another text, “Should I assume that we are done? I just want a wrap up so that I can start dating someone new.” He also never replied as well.

Actually I realized the truth immediately after the incident happened and I have already moved on. However Guy E gave me such an advice. Actually the second chance were given to E at the early stage of dating D. E asked me if I was dating anyone else and he had a worry that someone will snatch me away. I admitted to him the existence of D and I told E it’s not yet exclusive and let’s see how things go. Then after a few dates with E, E dropped out but he regularly checked out with me things going on between D and I. I sometime told him. Sometimes I don’t. When I have been dating with D for a month, E thought it looked promising and he proposed me to suggest to D to be exclusive. I told E that I thought it was a bit too early and this would make me look desperate. However E thought if I don’t make the proposal of exclusivity, D will think I am not serious about him and he will look for someone else. Then as I have mentioned above, things between D and I escalated quickly. I told E the ending. E though the outcome between D and I was related to the fact that I didn’t propose exclusivity. E thought when things work well, I should propose exclusivity as quickly as possible so that we can get into another stage. If not, then I can move on to someone else. He then pointed out that the bargaining power of women drops when they get older. Then by that time I need to even lower my standards. I have been hanging out with a couple of non locals. That was the first time I heard such a view point. I had some other male non-locals, they thought proposing exclusivity in 1 month was a bit too quick. Of course, having the majority doesn’t mean right. So what’s the proper time of talking about exclusivity? Was the view point of this guy E something common among non-locals or is he just an out-lier in the population?

For guy B, we went out this Saturday again for an outing (We didn’t get laid but at least it could be a good sign. At least he wasn’t just looking for sex). He did send a text afterwards again saying that he enjoyed the time we spent. Then he offered to meet agin on Sunday after I finished my other commitments in the morning. I will keep you posted. But still I will go to meet other people if I feel suitable. I don’t want to close down other options at this point.

It was a long post. Thanks for reading it and giving me advice all along.

[Fung M]

Hi,

I am very clear about his choice. Just move on and look for other options. Something interesting going on for Guy B and C.

For Guy C, whom I started off quite casually, we agreed to spend more time tonight. Then rarely heard from him since we last made plans.I double confirmed with him this yesterday afternoon and he replied this morning by claiming himself to be busy at work. Then he claimed that he doesn’t have too much time tonight but he would be available for a quick bang. I told him if you were too busy. Then just forget about it and make it another day. I clearly expressed my expectations that it would be something casual but not just getting laid. He at first said yes for arranging another day. Then later he texted me asking if I am free for an hour or two tonight. I told him it was too late and I have already arranged something. I insisted not to give him any chance tonight so that he would change his track to something I prefer. The worst scenario is that I walk away and explore other options.

Then actually by the time I know I won’t be hanging out with Guy C, I offered Guy B to see each other tonight. We did a walk in the park near his place and enjoyed the evening. He is a guy who usually cooks at home because of his diet and cooking at home is more economical. However, things didn’t go any further after the walk such as inviting me over his place or whatever. We did get laid for the first time between us last weekend. I deliberately walked away from conversations on whatsapp a few times but he would be the initiator. The conversation is still thoughtful and with depth. Not just with low investment like hahaha, or just an emoji.

When comparing Guy B with Guy C, the potential of getting into a committed relationship with Guy B looks more promising. But what should I bear in mind when I hang out with him so that I won’t turn him away?

Yes, the worry of age comes from a non local guy, who I once dated him and even on a second chance but just things didn’t work out. He gave me such an advice and it made me wonder about it. Maybe I should talk about his interesting point of view next time based on my another story. But you have your point.

Thank you for all the messages. 🙂

[Fung M]

Hi Spyce,

I just think men are not very tolerant to age as I am now in my early 30s. I just worry that the older you get, the more difficult for one to get into a relationship.

Yes I am enjoying the casual hangout now but I find that it is quite difficult to juggle more than 3 at a time because I have something to do for myself as well. I shouldn’t devote everything to my datings! Unless I let someone go, it’s not easy to get the 4th person to be in my loop.

For the guy A whom I counter-offer a casual hangout if he is not exclusive to anyone, he didn’t respond ip till this moment. It’s very likely he has a committed relationship so he doesn’t dare to go any further. What’s your analysis on that? I simply just move on to someone else in my radar but I would like to know more about the mindset of guys.

[Fung M]

Well for the guy A who can speak a lot of languages, I sent a message as suggested. He told me his purpose on dating apps is to alleviate loneliness! (which aligns with what we think!) Then I double confirmed whether he is exclusive to anyone at this moment. If yes, then stay at the situation we are. If no, then we can progress to sleep with one another based on honest communications. If anything changes, just let each other know and either side can walk away. Then he is as quiet as a mouse and hasn’t replied for almost a day, which is quite rare with regard to his pattern of reply.

I have another guy B known from dating apps as well. He is 12 years elder than I do and he has been staying in the city for 6 years. He will soon apply for permanent residency. He is doing his doctoral degree now and he sustains himself with a relatively flexible job as a teacher. We have known each other for around 3 weeks and we have been seeing each other every weekend. Communications on whatsapp look steady so far. Both of us will be initiator for communications with equal percentages. One thing which concerns me is that his last relationship ended in 2014 and he had been single (or dating around) for a long time. Another concern is that he doesn’t think money is that important as long as he can sustain himself. However I think money is somewhat important because this will be a concern when living together. I am happy with the way we date so far. We usually do outdoor activities such as a hike or cook something at his place or playing some boardgames. We do share similar interests. From his conversation, he has already started to portray the picture which I am included. I don’t know whether it would be a red flag if a guy had a committed relationship ages ago.

I have another guy C from dating apps as well. He is the same age as I do and he can soon apply for permanent residency in my city. The dating started off quite casual in the beginning so we usually drink, catch up and then get laid. I actually don’t get much expectations on him because the moment I met him I was dating someone else. Now the situation changed and I wanted to explore the possibility with him. Actually the last time I met him was around 1 month ago. I deliberately stopped contacting him after that and see how things go. Then out of the blue, he initiated the conversation again and asked whether I was seeing anyone recently. I told him I have other options on hand but not yet exclusive. We can still meet if we both agreed. Then we make a plan to meet each other this week on a weekday. I also suggested that let’s spend some more time together such as grabbing some dinner, catch up, watch something together. He said yes and plans were made.

Actually for all the guys, I like them but I won’t say I am madly in love with them. I just want to make a more sensible move which is the best for my game.

Just let me know your comments. 🙂

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