[Claire H]

I’ve had obsessive behaviors over guys in high school. I have an anxious attachment style and often chase after love:affection from emotionally unavailable people. But I mostly resolved those tendencies and kept myself elf in check until the pandemic hit and it all came bubbling up again. honestly, I know that I can be kind of intense sometimes and people seem to pick up on that underlying anxiety. My relationships are often more important to me than they are to the other person.

I do have other ocd tendencies. It runs in my family but is different in everyone. For me it’s in the form of relationship/social anxiety with a lot of obsessive ruminating, and video games. I’ll play 1 game obsessively until I’ve conquered it and then move on. It’s my main method of procrastinating. I had stopped playing any games for a few years, but recently started up again.

But back to this guy, since I wrote that post he declared that he is essentially in love with his new roommate Who he’s only known for a week or two, but hes never felt this way about anyone before. So we have to stop our intimate relationship – no more cuddling, sleepovers, or sex etc. Normally I don’t get jealous, but I am. I’m jealous of how much he likes her and all the attention he is giving her. But mostly I’m sad and mourning our old relationship. He is friends with all his ex’s and said don’t worry, we will see each other like I see them. But I don’t want to be just another ex, I spent a lot of time building our friendship and I want to remain important to him, I want to be the exception. Or I should say wanted.

After that call, I sent a text restating that I am genuinely happy for him and wish him the best but also bummed about our changing relationships and that my feelings were not reciprocated. He responded hours later saying “Babe you need to be happy with yourself before you can make anyone else happy. Don’t compromise your happiness for anyone.”

He has seen me in my most vulnerable & depressed state (I’m in the middle of a divorce and just broke up with my oldest but toxic best friend). I didn’t like him seeing me like that but he insisted on staying with me for 4 days until i got thru it. I’m still embarrassed. And now I also feel judged and misunderstood.

I said I am happy just going through a ruff patch and I don’t let anyone compromise my happiness hence why i had just ending 2 of my most significant relationships. But it also felt like he was saying I couldn’t make him happy because I don’t love myself enough.

He then said something else about me resolving my issues so what I want will come to me. He does not normally talk like this at all. I asked why now? Why does he suddenly sound like a guru? I told him even if he’s right, it was is not the right time since he had just rejected me – it was coming off like a criticism of what i need to fix about my self. As if I’m too messed up to love or be loved. I’m even more ashamed now that he saw me be vulnerable and this was his take away. It triggers my fear that I will be rejected if I show that side to anyone.

Tired of texting, I call him. He replies “can’t talk unless you want to talk to both of us“. I asked can you step out of the room for a second. he says “i can’t I am naked. So now I’m sad, jealous, embarrassed and absolutely livid. How dare he flaunt the new relationship in my face AND tell this girl I don’t know about my personal struggles. It’s as if she was coaching him on what to say. Plus there is no way I can compete with a live-in girlfriend who he is head over heels for.

I cried a lot, and blocked his number because I feel totally disrespected. He broke my trust and privacy. So now I have lost him. I told him to come pick up all the stuff he has at my house because I’m not his storage unit. I love him and I miss him but I’m trying to set boundaries.

Along with that loss comes the loss of a whole social scene that he introduced me too. He was the source of most activities and socializing that kept me going in this pandemic and gave me something to look forward to. They’re originally his friends and so I have to take a back seat Since I don’t want to make it awkward for everyone. It’s not that i don’t have any one else to hangout with, but no one I vibe with on that level so I choose to hang out with him. Still my big fear is loss of that deep friendship, Loss of potential friendships with others and loss of this whole scene that I’ve come to love. I’m afraid of the crippling loneliness that seeps in when I don’t see or touch anyone for days. Im afraid of having nothing to look forward to each day. And I’m afraid that he’s right and I am too messed up to love or be loved.

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