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I don’t have many friends that are creatively inclined at least now that we are working adults. There are now only three people I trust with that part of me, including my ex. I’m starting to worry though. My ex tends to be a passive man, more reactive when it comes to conversation and being social. I’m scared he won’t want to initiate conversation with me, but I don’t want to crowd him or push things on him. Is it ok to ask him about this? Thank you for your insight and kindness
Hello, thank you for your kindness again. I talked to him again yesterday. Technically it was this morning, I’d been working till midnight and we talked from around 2 till about 5:30. Id gotten a creative urge so we talked about writing and we exchanged poems we had written when we were younger, also fanfiction. We also talked a bit about our schooling, I’d asked him about college and if he’d ever go back. He said unlikely considering what it was like the first time around for him. We both had similar reasons relating to anxiety and depression regarding as to why the experience was negative. We circled it around to writing again. Later he had to get to bed but he said “this was nice though :).” I said “It was. 🙂 Maybe we can talk like this again soon?” He replied “for sure :D.” Then we wished each other good night. Is this a good sign? Thank you for your insight
Typically because of the holidays. For the past ten years there’s been a lot of family dysfunction that got twice as worse after my grandfather past. Also when I was a kid school was not a good place for me. I was very much a loner even though I tried reaching out in high school it never worked out for very long. I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was 15. And quite frankly the only reason I received treatment was because I wound up technically Baker acted. The therapists/counselors I had never seemed to genuinely care about what I had to say or how I felt. And the medication I would be on had the same effect on me as being hit with a tranq dart. The last time I went to therapy was I think a year or two ago not sure on the time line. I wound up not being able to afford continued treatment or medication even though it was very cheap. I appreciate your kindness I really do. But this is all pretty par for the course with my life at this point. Like I said I am functioning. And I do consider myself relatively emotionally healthy, if a bit socially stunted.
Not going to lie, my depression is starting to sink in. I’m still going to work and functioning but all I want to do really is curl up in my bed with my cat and sleep. It’s not so much because of the break up, I’ve been clinically depressed for about 11 years now, since middle school. Around this time of year it gets worse. But I’ve been coping. Thank you for your insight
Thank you for your kindness, and I am making strides to better myself. I did expect that, in regards to not meeting up very often. As it is I’m leaving it in his court, though I would still like to check in with him regularly over text. Is this ok? Also for fun and light we both like videogames, in fact he suggested it in our last conversation. Also there are a couple activities around town we could try, if he’s open to that. I appreciate all your help and insight in this.
Hello, thank you so much for your advice! As an update, when I was talking to him about what he’d like to do, he responded with no clue. I suggested “maybe something that plays to his strengths or something he’d be comfortable doing on a regular basis? Just a though though lol, I’m sure it’ll come to you ☺️.” Then I had to leave for work so I closed the conversation, saying I’d talk to him soon. He said sure thing and wished me a good day at work. I wished him a good day as well and he said thanks. I hope I did not come off as too pushy, that wasn’t my intention. I wanted to be supportive and encouraging, and it was a response I would give to any one of my friends.
For your first point, that might’ve been a poor way to phrase it on my part. It’s not so much that he doesn’t get angry, it was that he didn’t allow negative emotions to rule him or his actions. Also while I was with him there was nothing going on that was inherently negative, except my home situation. He was offended on my behalf though, and was supportive of me emotionally. He said he was proud of me when I made achievements toward getting out of where I am at. He also said he didn’t hold my home life against me, that I wasn’t responsible for the actions of others. For the second point, it wasn’t so much the quirk that annoyed him it was the subject matter. He said many times when I babbled he found it cute or adorable. It was just when I babbled about certain things it would be very long and it was boring since the subject matter was about either comedians he hadn’t seen or a game series he wasn’t as into as I was. It wasn’t so much that I was annoying him with the quirk now I think about it it was that the way I would go on about it as if I was trying to cram things all at once. Whenever that happened he would try to get me to stop and remind me that we had time. That’s what he would say to keep in mind. As for whether I apologise a lot, I do. I’ve recently done some introspective searching these last few years because of all my issues and quirks and it’s come to my attention I have suffered a lot of emotional trauma in my childhood. Also as an adult it’s come back worse. I recognize these behaviors that come from it as understandable but also something I need to work on overcoming. I was always in someone’s way or annoying someone when I was at home or at school when I was a kid. The only place that I wasn’t was when I was quiet by myself not touching anything or in my room. I’m still learning how to do chores for myself and how to be an independent adult because as a kid whenever I would try to help I was told to wait for my mom to get home because I’d just break something or do it wrong. Also I never had many friends. I was actually bullied a bit at school and the staff never really did anything. I always felt more comfortable around adults specifically family. And when I would chatter I would be told to be quiet and that I was a chatterbox. So I’ve learned that I’m a trying individual to be around. So when I have someone that not only notices me and reciprocates my interest, but actually wants to spend time with me it’s a very heady thing. Both just friends or anything else. Im always afraid I’m going to do or say something to screw it up or drive them away. That being said I do know how I feel, and I do read quite a lot. I can recognize when it’s just a crush. I’ve had a lot of those. I don’t feel safe around people especially men. Even if they’re the nicest people and calm and happy, there’s always something in my gut keeping me on edge. With him I didn’t have that, beyond my own insecurities. Ive learned to trust my gut when it comes to people. And beyond my self consciousness and the fear I’d screw it up, which admittedly would be very small when around him, I felt so safe. Like I’d stumbled from darkness into an untouched sunlit meadow. And with every moment with him just talking with him I was reassured in trusting him. By keeping the positives and negatives in mind, I’m keeping myself open to every possibility. That I recognize I can be wrong and things may not go how I want them to. I do tend to think that the negative is more likely, that way if it doesn’t I’m pleasantly surprised. I’ve learned not to expect positive. I still hope for it and wish for it, but I keep in mind even if I work my hardest for it it still might not happen. That’s just life for me. As for the gym, I wanted to get two separate memberships since they had a sale and it wouldve been cheaper for both of us to share the load than for one of us to have a VIP membership and pay more for guest privileges. As it was I had everything I needed with me to sign up in person but when we got there they were insistent on using the app. And since I’m wifi dependent he had access and said he would just do the VIP program. I couldn’t find their WiFi password so I agreed. Come to find out id need the app anyway to check in as a guest and when I pointed out I couldn’t access the wifi the receptionist just pointed it out behind me in a place I hadn’t seen earlier since it was in the gym proper. So I wouldn’t be able to go there much of at all as I’m not able to afford the membership full price. I was planning on going down to the shelter next Saturday, as I’d like some time to myself for right now. I also was able to spend some time earlier this week with one best friend and her son at my house. They’re both local but because of our conflicting schedules it’s hard to meet up regularly.
Hello, I thank you for all your help and advice! I wanted to let you know an update on the situation as well as ask for your insight on it. I’ve reached out to him on friendship. He accepted saying ” I agree I feel the same way. I’d like to try being friends as long as you’re ok with it :).” I said that I was totally ok with it. He said “Sweet 😀 We do still have some videogame playthroughs to finish.” I said “That we do Lol.” Then I told him some that I had good news and he asked what it was. I told him and he was happy for me. Then we had some funny banter and the conversation seemed to come to a natural stop. Then about 15 minutes later he restarted the conversation, by asking after my cat who had gotten neutered this past Saturday. I told him my cat was just fine. He said “See? Told you he’d be fine ;).” I said yeah he was right and I thanked him. Then I asked how he was. And he told me he was ok just working and that he’s thinking of looking for a new job as he’s been feeling stuck at the one he’s at. I told him I was glad he was doing ok, and asked what he’d like to do. I am keeping my conversation limit in mind, but since he is opening the conversation, is it alright as long as I keep the ball in his court? I would appreciate your advice. Thank you
Thank you so much for your help. I would be open to that kind of friendship with him. I would rather have him in my life in some capacity than not at all. To be honest that kind of communication limit would be beneficial so that we can both heal, while still getting to know each other. And I was cautious and watchful. I always am. I might fall in love easily but I always keep the negatives in mind with the positive. I still allow myself to hope though. So I don’t self sabotage myself. I was noticing things in our conversations, especially in person. There was one where he noticed a quirk of mine was annoying him. He brought it up casually and when I apologized he said that it was ok no need to apologize just to keep it in mind. He never approached me in an abusive or critical manner. In fact he always was reassuring whenever a topic like that would come up. He never blamed me or himself if he wasn’t really at fault he’s very rational. There was also a conversation about our tempers. He mentioned hes never lost his temper. He doesn’t really get angry, and even when he starts getting annoyed he just gets sarcastic. Which I was fine with. He never let anything negative stick, he just let it roll off. But I appreciate your insight, and I intend to treat this situation very delicately. I feel I almost let something so precious slip through my fingers simply because I couldn’t keep my feelings to myself. I won’t make that mistake again. Not until he tells me and is ready. Thank you so much for your help. Is this the right way to go?
Hello, thank you for your reply and insight!
I had a feeling that was why. That’s why I was hoping being friends would give us that time to know each other. I’m only 23 but I have felt love before only once. It was an online relationship, and it was the most fulfilling one I’d ever known. It ended when I was in high school. It turned out to be one of my female best friends cat fishing me. And I do recognize he has faults I’ve already seen a couple. He tends to be a bit passive and indecisive. I do recognize the more likely outcomes. Its the most likely that he will either blow me off or outright tell me we can’t be friends. And that hurts more than I can put into words. But as long as there’s still hope I have to fight for this. Would an invitation to be friends be wise at this juncture? The second most likely option seems to be him accepting friendship, as he seems to be that kind of person. Also he is friends with his last ex.
In regards to the other concern about my own friends and personal life, I do have two very close friends. We don’t connect as often outside of work because our schedules don’t often synch together. But I love them dearly and we’ve been friends since childhood. I also have pets I take care of. I’m also making strides to not only get on my feet with independence but to also get out of a toxic home situation. I also plan on volunteering at the local shelter again, and I’m back to going to church. I also play videogames and read for fun. Otherwise I have a full time job. I’m trying to be realistic about this but I know he’s a great guy. I want to get to know him even deeper. His dreams his fears his faults. I know this can work. Thank you for your time
