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Last May, I did suggest (but again in a joking “bro” manner) that we upgrade our “subscription” of seeing each other to every week and although he looked initially taken aback by that, he agreed but it never came to pass because he suffered a series of losses in his life. His grandmother passed away and then his best friend got into an accident. Then a coworker (fellow police officer) was killed. So it was a series of one thing after another that shut him down with me emotionally and I never brought it up again. I gave him space to deal with his losses. Eventually he reached back out to me and we got together but the cycle began again.
I have been thinking about bringing it up again even though he claims that he doesn’t know always when he gets a day off which I understand. Shift work and overtime is hard especially as a new police officer. He told me awhile ago that his life is not his own when it comes to his schedule and the few times he actually planned something with me, it was messed up by his job so he said he doesn’t like to make plans anymore because the minute a plan is made, something goes wrong. I don’t agree with this mindset and I’ve told him that ultimately my schedule is far more flexible than his, so I’m able to be more accommodating but he never takes me up on it (even though he says he likes the idea of it and calls me a “tease” for even suggesting it – as if I wouldn’t do it! – I would!).
So I really want to tell him my feelings. I’ve hinted at this before but I want to tell him that I want to see him more often and spend more time with him in general, and clearly because of COVID maybe we can’t hang out at a restaurant in the middle of the night since that’s when he’s awake, but I’m happy to meet up with him for an early breakfast at a diner or something when he’s on his way home from his shift at 7am. It’s going on 2 years of knowing each other now and I need to understand how he feels about me so we can see where our relationship takes us or I move on and tell him to stop contacting me. Because we go long stretches where I deliberately don’t reach out and usually he reaches out back to me and we start conversing again but he doesn’t say why he reaches out. He doesn’t ask for sex and it’s not like he’s reaching out for a booty call – it’s as if he’s wanting to see if I’m still willing to talk to him. He told me long ago not to give up on him and I’m still getting that vibe but I just want to ask how he sees our relationship. He’s potentially moving further away from me, not too far too, but maybe 30 minutes further away for his job, and although again he doesn’t see that as an impediment, he doesn’t at the same time say “I can’t wait to have you over!” I told him one time half-joking about his move that he would have to let me go and he said “I had no intention of letting you go.”
It seems as if he cares for me a lot and genuinely enjoys my company, but he uses memes as a way of trying to communicate with me instead of discussing his feelings. For example he sent me a meme about having a “baecation” with me when I’d rather just have him say “I want you to be my girlfriend.” He has sent me quite a few memes referencing a girlfriend and even a fiancee. Ironically, the more I’ve exchanged memes with him, the more communicative he’s been vs asking him direct questions, but I’m getting a little tired of this. I’ve adapted my communication style in a sense to account for our age gap and being different generations but I can’t do this forever… and I do NOT like the idea of broaching these topics over text. How do I suggest meeting up with him to talk?
Thanks for your response Heidi. Believe me, I’ve sliced and diced this a million different ways. If I felt he were this remote and blocked in person, I’d agree with you in that I’d simply have to move on but he’s so affectionate and communicative and just OPEN in person – I mean ask him any question type of way – that it’s refreshing to me. I’ve NEVER been with anyone where I felt truly at home in my own skin. Usually even with girlfriends, especially with me being a natural introvert, I feel like I have to amp myself up in some way and play a bit of a role. Not with him and I’ve been married twice. I realize I love him unconditionally. Something about him speaks to my soul. He is sweet and somewhat shy and eager to please. He loves to pick me up in his arms on piggy back rides and when he first sees me, he picks me up because he’s much taller than I. He makes me swoon and he probably doesn’t even know it as you said because of his insecurities.
We were seeing each other once every 2 months for awhile but recently it’s been the longest stretch ever since we became FB friends. I wondered if he was getting his “updates” about how I was doing via my general FB posts and stories and thus felt less of a need to see me in person. I almost thought about not posting anything for awhile but I realized that was playing “hard to get” and not being myself — if I don’t feel like posting I won’t post but I won’t want to deliberately hold back something I think would be funny to my friends because I’m hoping he pursues me more. I don’t want to play those games really.
He’s been responding instantly when I text him so he seems eager to hear from me. I did ask him about car dealerships since he just bought a truck and seemed happy to send his friend’s contact info to me. I really want to see where this goes once I’ve been honest with him. If I’d already been honest about my feelings and he still acted this remote way, I could see your point about distancing myself and moving on but I simply have to know for sure before I do that. I know I’ll be filled with regret if all this time, he’s thinking I really didn’t like him that much and wanted to keep it casual and he was the one who didn’t know how to ask me to be more serious. I know the classic role is the guy as the pursuer but given how I’ve never felt this way about any man, loving him without him needing to love me (and that doesn’t mean I’d be with him if he DID not love me, I just mean if it doesn’t work out, I will still love him and wish him well), I keep feeling this instinct that I have to give it a shot instead of waiting for him to make a definitive move. What do you think?
