[Samantha S]

Thank you very much, Spyce – you’re doing wonders for my confidence! I spent last year trying to stay afloat in terms of my mental health so made a promise to myself this year to stop resting in inaction (which has been the case for far longer than a year) and just act. Also, all the loss of last year (there have been quite a few deaths in my networks) meant that even before I had defined my actual goals, I intended this year to have three phases: Phase One was to tell everyone who is important to me what they mean in an email/ message (as I was watching the wonderful tributes to those who had passed on social media and realised that people tend to only say these things once it’s too late). So I have been doing that. Currently I am in Phase 2, which is acting to improve myself and my life – including launching my business. Phase 3, if it is necessary, is once lockdown has lifted I intend making myself go hang out where the sort of men I would want in my life would be (places that also align with the life I am building) as a step towards finding someone else, if that is what I have to do. But I have always known that, in truth, I don’t want anyone else and that I have a lot of work to do on me first, anyway.

Once again, you are right that him meeting or being with anyone else is unlikely – and with lockdown even casual sex is unlikely. He is quite rule-abiding. In the 4.5 years he’s been in my life I know that the first year that we were FWB (after three months of dating) he went on a couple of (I think first) dates but ‘nothing clicked’. From that time the agreement/ boundary was that we wouldn’t tell each other if we were dating or sleeping with anyone else casually – only if it became more serious, at which point our FWB situation would end. Honestly, whilst I agreed to it part of me prefers to know everything but because I know he is super safe when it comes to sex, and I didn’t want to give him up even then, I went along with it. For two full years after that I operated on the assumption that he was sometimes dating and maybe sleeping with other girls, and just tried to bury the discomfort and fear that caused me. Towards the end of 2019 an event sparked an open conversation where I admitted I still had feelings for him (he was shocked) and he informed me that for most of those two years he’d felt like he didn’t actually want a relationship with anyone, or to even go on a date for there to be a ‘chance of a relationship’. He said whilst he is on several dating apps he hadn’t actively used any in 18 months +, nor even tried to chat a girl up. So all the time I had been worrying he hadn’t actually been doing anything with anyone except me – and our FWB dynamic worked perfectly with his objective of focusing on his work goals. When he mentioned his ‘wobble’ regarding me/ us last December, he said his plan is to stay single for another two years so, yes, it’s unlikely that any of this will change anytime soon, regardless of lockdown. I guess my fear comes from the knowledge that he was having flirty banter with a girl he used to date years before me at the start of last year. They haven’t seen each other in many years but every time her own relationships go south she reaches out to him for attention.

Linked to this, he probably has the strongest moral code of anyone I know, and I know he wouldn’t want to hurt me if he could help it (he knows him and another girl, however casual, would be hurtful to me). He does sometimes throw out ‘what if’ questions like ‘what if I did wake one day and suddenly want to sleep around or have some casual fun?’ I have made it clear that as we are not together he is free to do this, but that it would hurt me and that probably at that point our friendship would have to change, as I’d need to distance myself. I guess that is our boundary – we are both technically ‘free’ but should we meet someone with real potential we would tell the other, and stop sleeping with each other. He also knows that if he began dating seriously I would need to distance myself/ cut contact, and if I started dating seriously we couldn’t maintain the level of friendship we have (he initially thought/ hoped we could), as it wouldn’t be fair on my new partner and also I would be investing in him in the way I am currently investing in this man. So he knows the best case scenario outside of us having an official relationship is a very surface level friendship in the future. Also, whilst he does sometimes talk of maybe wanting to sleep with other women in the future, and is very focused on having ‘freedom’ I also know that a long term ex gave him the freedom to sleep with other women on boys’ holidays, etc, as long as there were no feelings etc and he never did – he told me it was the first time he’d ever had to think about whether he wanted to sleep with other women and ‘weirdly’ he didn’t. So that suggests to me that whilst he is very Alpha male and thinks he should want to sleep around, really he is more of a one woman guy. Regardless, I still live in fear. I think that’s because the lack of labels and commitment makes me feel very unsafe, and it is one of the worst scenarios I could imagine, however unlikely in reality.

There have been several occasions where he has tried to stop the benefits part of our dynamic (always linked to him being forced to accept I have feelings for him), but it never lasts long. What I do know is that is the least important part of what we have for him, and he would rather preserve the friendship than have the sex. In fact, we have phases where we aren’t intimate that frequently, which is always due to him. Our attraction levels are high, and that side of things is very good, so I suspect it’s him wrestling with that inner moral code, as he feels it’s somehow wrong/ taking advantage of me, as we aren’t together and he can’t give me what I want. One of his main stories regarding not being able to have a relationship right now is that he doesn’t have enough to give a partner – thinking it wouldn’t be fair on them – and fairness is an important value for him. I, of course, go into a fear loop whenever there is the slightest change in frequency or nature of our benefits.

I do suffer from the most severe form of anxiety disorder and he is well aware of this – he has known since even before we first met and is actually great at helping me when it’s bad, even though he is clueless with mental health. We have very open dialogue about it…and most things, actually. I am also honest when I feel insecure about, for example, the flirty banter with the girl he dated years ago. I try to do it in a non-confrontational and non-blame way, but he is aware of how I feel. He actually knows me better than almost anyone – he is, for example, the only person ever to have identified I have different types of laugh…and what each means. He also has an almost sixth sense if something isn’t right in my world (apart from when it relates to him!). We both share the great things and awful things that happen in our daily lives and generally have open communication (even though he is fairly secretive about a lot of things he does, for example, tell me things about his family I know he hasn’t told anyone else).

The word ‘chosen’ towards the end of your message really stood out for me. Because I think that’s at the crux of everything – I so desperately want to feel chosen by him. Feeling chosen is something I have craved for my entire life, and mostly never felt like I have attained. It’s my kryptonite.

Anyway, I would value any guidance on what boundary I could set with him, as I am really not sure.

Sending much gratitude to you!

[Samantha S]

Thank you SO much for this response and your kind words, Spyce – I appreciate them a great deal.

You are absolutely right that he almost certainly feels that me needing him is ‘pressure’ – and he actively avoids any form of pressure, especially in the context of a relationship. Right from when we met he said (when he was interested in dating) that he likes to take things ‘day by day, with no pressure, labels or expectations and just see how things evolve. And if, without any pressure, you find your idea of fun is each other and you choose to spend time together because you want to, and not because she’d be upset without him, then that is the foundation he is looking for in a long term relationship. As then, no matter how difficult things got in the future, he knows he chose that without any pressure from her, or society, or anything else and he’ll fight for it.’ He definitely has many stories, and is closed to talking to others – I am the closest he gets to doing that.

I do also know you are right with me focusing on and taking care of me is the right path both for myself and any potential with him. I think what hold me back is fear – I am literally terrified by the concept of losing him from my life, and also by the concept of him sleeping with another woman. Because, even though we aren’t officially together, my feelings are so deep and we have been in what is a relationship in all bar name for so long that it would feel like being cheated on. And my mind would torture me by imagining them together. I’m not actually sure, if that did happen, if he later wanted to be with me I could then actually be with him if that had happened – and that terrifies me. Being cheated on is one of my biggest fears in life – it would devastate me – and so I think as much as I know leaning back is better all round, the fear has held/ is holding me in our current situation as I believe on some level that if he is sleeping with me and we have something good, then that is less likely to happen. Plus I know he likes to feel needed, at least on some level (his hero instinct is strong).

Thank you for saying he is my partner regardless of label – weirdly, that makes me feel better/ reassured. I am working on my business alone – the support he is giving me is in the form of holding me accountable to meeting certain goals/ deadlines and bouncing ideas off each other. I appreciate the business coaching also; I am committed because my motivation is to ultimately help others.

It’s time to reshape and step more into my potential to me means identifying what I really want from life, and taking action to make it happen – would you say that is right?

As for how. I actually have a weekly and 2-3 month goals spreadsheet which is broken down into: mental health, mindset and skill development, physical health, and business goals. And I strive to meet a certain number of each every day/ week. So from this, 2-3 things I plan to do for myself are:

1. Improve my physical health – continue to do my daily 5 mile walk and hour of strength training, as well as eating a healthy diet (I have lost 7lbs in the past five weeks). My aim is to be my goal weight and in great shape by the end of the year (1-2 lbs a week plus toning).

2. Improve my mental health/ confidence – daily gratitude and manifestation as well as flipping beliefs ‘I am’, weekly CBT sessions and homework and reading books/ undertaking courses focus on improving my confidence, attachment style and mindset. My goal is to be more confident and able to manage my anxiety once lockdown ends.

3. Take action to launch and develop my business – finalise my solution(s) for my ideal client and start building a tribe using a Facebook challenge and Clubhouse. I aim to have launched these by the end of Q1 so that I can then review/ iterate.

Also, on Valentine’s Day – and for the first time ever – I bought myself roses, as I love them and haven’t been anyone’s Valentine for six years, so decided this year rather than feeling bad I would show myself the love I want from someone else. And looking at them has brought me much joy.

Thank you once again – to you and Heidi – for your support.

[Samantha S]

Hi Heidi,

You are absolutely right that he keeps everything inside. He takes pride in being ‘logical’ and sees emotions as a weakness, I think.

I will try my best to focus on me and meeting my own needs (which is challenging, as what I need most is him!) but I do acknowledge it is necessary, so I will continue to work on me.

[Samantha S]

Hi Spyce,

Thank you for taking the time to reply. And, yes, I definitely feel a lot of heart break.

The point you made about him fearing he may be enough is interesting and I could see how it would be true, especially as when we briefly dated at the beginning I ended things with him, and I know he was deeply affected by that.

He is not the sort of man who would speak to a therapist…and I am fairly sure neither would he open up about things like these to his family or friends (his best friend, who is married, would be the most likely. I do know that he talks about me to his family – he recently mentioned talking about me to his mother, saying how much I do for him (he made sure to stress he had told his mother during this conversation he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend right now) and she had asked what he was doing for me also – and this year he has been helping me meet my business goals because of that. Is there anything I can (indirectly) do to make him more likely to speak to someone?

As aforementioned, I am doing what I can to take care of me, but I am not sure what I can do further to get my needs with him met.

Any advice would be appreciated!

[Samantha S]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you. I guess if I were more confident and felt more fit I would be better at setting boundaries, and would struggle less with walking away if this man cannot choose me back.

I hope you are right!

[Samantha S]

Hi Heidi,

Sometimes I feel stronger/ more empowered – but I am finding it hard to sustain that, especially if I am mentally low or if he has done/ said something that triggers my fears.

I guess by Christmas I would like to be physically in great shape (which will also help my mindset), and have established my business, as well as having become more self-confident and able to set boundaries.

Ideally by that point I would like him to have recognised my value and had another wobble over his plans…but this time chosen to pursue a relationship with me. In this scenario being a more confident version of me with boundaries would actually be beneficial to any future relationship.

However, I do recognise that my preferred outcome isn’t likely to happen. In which case I would need to maximise things opening back up by putting myself out there, trying to distance myself from him/ cutting contact and being open to finding someone else.

[Samantha S]

Thank you for your understanding, Heidi. My initial post talked of the choice I need to make when the world is more normal precisely because right now it would be just too much – I am struggling with my mental health as it is. So I want to keep it as it is for now, yes.

I am committed to working on myself so that I can become more resilient (which I actually am) and self sufficient. Since January I have been having Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to help with my mental health (weekly sessions/ daily homework) and I have been taking good care of my diet and exercise. I am doing a lot of reading, on sites such as these, and I am currently a Beta tester for a relationship course emailed to me by James Bauer’s team. As well as immersing myself in my business and self-development goals. If there is anything else you could suggest, please do.

[Samantha S]

Hi Kanya,

Thank you for your response and yes, I know distance would help…but, as aforementioned, in lockdown it’s impossible for me as last time I was losing my battle with my mental health without the human contact. I am more than aware he could start dating, or fall for, someone else (though this is more unlikely during lockdown, for several reasons) – it is something that terrifies me. But right now this is about more than love, or friendship, or sex. It’s survival for me, and I am not exaggerating.

He has actually suggested removing the benefits several times over the years, to try and make it easier for me. And each time I panic – this terrifies me too. Firstly because to my mind, if he isn’t getting that from me then he WILL get it elsewhere. Which makes me feel sick and scared. But also our benefits are amazing – the best I have ever had – and if I may lose those forever anyway I at least want them now. I have a high sex drive also and don’t want to be completely celibate. Currently due to lockdown he is my only option on this too, but in the past when I have tried to date, or find alternative benefits, it has never satisfied me or made me feel good. So not sure that’s realistic either 🙁

[Samantha S]

Thank you very much for this reply, Heidi. It is helpful – especially the reassurance that I am not alone in how I feel.

My thoughts on filling up my life with other connections is that this is absolutely something I should do – and I do have other friends. I have actually also done a lot of work on myself this year – I have focused goals and each day invest in my diet and fitness, mental health and mindset/ skillset development. And I am taking steps to progress my own business. So I do keep busy.But what I am saying is I NEED physical touch (and I am not necessarily talking sex – like a hug, for example) and in person human contact. And right now, he is the only person who can provide this (he is my bubble partner and lives in walking distance). So if I cut that off then I know I will really struggle – as in the first lockdown, when we weren’t allowed bubble partners, I really suffered in terms of my mental health (I already suffer from an extreme anxiety disorder). Do you think it’s possible to have him in my life – even if it’s for now – and still be able to redesign my life and let go of the idea of a relationship with him? I know from experience that the best way to get over wanting someone is to cut contact, but I really can’t do that right now.

With regards to the letting go, I guess it’s because I want it now! And because the thought of, if he wasn’t with me he’d be sleeping with or being with other women and that concept makes me feel fearful and distressed, and I think if we were to later get together it would bother me. So what you say does make sense (and did help as it’s in a way easier than the concept of ‘never’) but what I am stuck on is HOW to honor where he’s at, trust I can find love, let go and heal. Are there any steps I can take to making this possible?

[Samantha S]

Hi Kanya,

They definitely are! And good question – I have given the answer some thought, and there is no simple answer:

1. I am having a difficult time letting go of the hope he will change his mind, especially as he recently he’d told me he had had a ‘wobble’ over this (but then ‘got back to normal’ and resumed his plan) and all his actions show he cares very deeply. He does much more for me than any normal friend would. Essentially, his actions and words don’t match. I know that doesn’t really matter as the relevant thing is he doesn’t want a relationship, regardless of his actions, but my gut so strongly tells me that he does have feelings for me but isn’t aware of them, and that over time this will change. So that makes it hard as my gut has usually always been right.

2. I don’t want to lose his friendship – he is one of the closest and best friends I have ever had, and he’s helped me grow immeasurably since he’s been in my life. I can be completely myself with him and tell him anything – he makes me feel very safe. And although I know I can be okay without him – I have survived the loss of ten and six year relationships and been okay – I don’t want to be without him. And especially now, as we’re in lockdown and he’s my only human contact. If I cut contact with him now I wouldn’t have any human contact or non-virtual interaction for the foreseeable. It’s not like normal times where I could go out and do other things, or travel, or spend time with friends.

3. I guess I have a limiting belief around finding someone else, as I have tried to date over the last 4+ years but only met one guy who was even remotely compatible – and he turned out to be a bit of a douche. I am not often attracted to men but, more importantly, finding the sort of connection I am looking for is rare, let alone shared values and goals. This man has almost everything I am looking for in terms of his character (he’s not perfect and he doesn’t tick every box, but way way more than any other guy has, even my exes), the attraction and chemistry levels are high and the sex is the best I have ever had. So I find it really hard to believe there is anyone better for me out there.

[Samantha S]

Hi Heidi, yes, that is definitely what it felt like.

Thank you for sharing the ‘finish the story’ technique – it is helpful. But what’s hardest is we haven’t really had a breakup…and I don’t want to let go!

[Samantha S]

Thank you for asking and for the additional suggestion. In all honesty, I am struggling today with overwhelming sadness. Yesterday he spent five hours with me helping me clarify what I want to achieve with my own business (he’d suggested a working session as he’s been helping me achieve my goals this year and being my accountability buddy). Part of which included me taking him through what I had learnt on a Tony Robbins challenge event so I could embed it. One of the days at this event focused on relationships and one of the points made was ‘relationships are where you give, not get’. At this point he commented that this is why he needs to be single right now, as he’s not in a position where he has ‘enough to give’. I didn’t say anything at the time, but later, in a text exchange after he had gone home I did tell him that I am aware he doesn’t want a relationship and so he didn’t need to make that point. He told me it wasn’t that he thought I had been trying to change his mind, and he wasn’t intending to reinforce the point. But that part had resonated with him as it made him feel for the first time that he wasn’t crazy or strange for feeling how he does. Being confronted with how strongly he believes this forced me to again look at our reality and I cried all night. Today I feel physically ill.

So I’m not doing too well right now. But I fully intend to build time in to go through your suggestions and try and do what I can to help myself build self-love, non attachment and boundaries.

[Samantha S]

Thank you, Heidi. I will have a look at your suggestions.

[Samantha S]

I appreciate you, and your help, very much, Heidi.

I had a look at the book. In all honesty it doesn’t really resonate with me but I am open to checking it out. I’d also welcome any of your other recommendations/ advice.

Thank you

[Samantha S]

Heidi, I appreciate your insights and honesty so much – even if your words are painful to read!

I know you’re right, but I think my issue is:

1. I don’t know how to love myself more than anything; how to choose myself.
2. I don’t know how to fight for myself or set boundaries.
3. I don’t know how to deal with the reality of our situation

In essence: I am lost. If you can help in any way I would be grateful.

[Author]

Posts