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I think we both know the idea of him dating terrifies me.
The ‘spinster’ may well have had a full life in her early years, but I know for a fact that definitely from her 30s onwards she didn’t. She may have loved a man who left, or was killed, or, as you say, been in the closet. But although she was elderly during my childhood, we’re from a very small town and she had lived alone ever since she moved out of her parental home. She worked for her father, had no friends (people used to say she was weird and cross the street when they saw her) and was never seen with, or talked about, anyone else. She never even left our hometown. When my parents moved next door my mother started trying to befriend her – she hated the thought of this woman always being alone. So she would come in for a drink and a chat. I would spend hours playing in her house; other than my mother and I she only ever saw her sister. My mother described her as having ‘bad nerves’ and talk about how she was frightened of everything. I saw the sadness in her myself. It was tangible. She died alone in her home. Maybe her sadness wasn’t just about not finding love, but I do know that she was very, very lonely.
I’ve enjoyed connecting with you too, Spyce, and I have appreciated all your time, support, advice and kind words. Thank you.
Hey Spyce,
With the trauma response, are you referring to how I feel when he was silent for a day? He was silent again yesterday (which is also probably the shortest amount of time between periods of 24 hour silence…around 10 days) and, again, I have been – and still am – in a state of fear. I also feel…abandoned. Forgotten. And it’s painful. The weight of not knowing when I will hear from him again (and I do know it will be when, not if) weighs heavy on me. I will check out the link you sent, thank you.
I was badly bullied for the first 18 years of my life, and the friendships I did make were ones where for me they were my one ‘best’ friend but sooner or later they would abandon me for someone else (and, in my eyes, better). Sometimes these people would even be my bullies and I would have to sit alone in the playground watching my ‘best’ friend laugh and have fun with the people they knew were torturing me. Sometimes they just outright stopped being my friend completely, for no discernible reason. So I think that’s where it comes from. That and all my years of trying to date haven’t given me any hope of abundance, or what I seek, being true.
I would indeed say that to a friend, but also how could I actually know she would find it, even if she did deserve it? Our neighbour growing up was known as a ‘spinster’. I was too young to really ask questions but she lived and died alone for most of her life – a scared and unhappy lady. She didn’t find anyone wonderful, or anyone at all. I fear becoming her.
This is the warning…I have a couple of days left and have been stalling on cancelling but I really have to. I am so graetful for all your help though, Spyce.
p.s. I can’t edit my previous post, but I’ve been told the contract work I have – which is what pays the bills whilst I work on building my business – is coming to an end. So I may not be able to maintain my subscription for access to this forum, unfortunately. Thought I should let you know.
Hi Spyce,
I appreciate your interest, support and that you’re rooting for me. In answer to your first question, I think he would be willing to lose me if it came to it. He may be burying his head, but we have talked about how that is a likely outcome, as you know.I do also recognise that I am enabling our situation. And whilst I thank you for your faith that I can find what I would like, I just don’t share your optimism. I really try, as I know mindset is everything, but deep down inside I just can’t see it. So maybe you are right on my story. That said, I do know I have a lot to offer in a relationship and deserve to be loved fully and with reciprocation. It’s just something that seems impossible to find.
On the day I didn’t hear from him it triggered fears of losing him, essentially. As a very long time ago in conversation he’d said (not related to us – it was after we stopped dating and early enough that our friendship was much more casual) that if he was interested romantically in a girl he wouldn’t go more than a day without contacting her. That it shouldn’t even be a day, but sometimes he’d get absorbed by work or other things. Never longer than that. And he is someone who can go weeks without contacting even his best friend or family members if he has something on at work, and all his friends and family know that and accept it; he appreciates that they aren’t phased or upset if he’s AWOL for a while in terms of contact, and how things can just pick up where they left off when he does contact them. So I guess, because I so badly want him to love me back, there is an element of if he is initiating contact daily then maybe, just maybe he does have feelings for me, even if he isn’t aware of them. And then if there is a day of silence it (1) forces me to confront the fact that actually maybe he doesn’t have feelings and (2) triggers fears that if the silence lasts longer than a day it confirms there are definitely no feelings and/ or that I am losing him.
I am familiar with attachment styles and am actually halfway through the book ‘Attached’. I’m anxious (but I haven’t always been, so you are right on anxious/ secure) and he is avoidant (I can’t see any anxious in him).
Hi Spyce,
Thank you for checking in; I appreciate your interest and faith in me. I’ve just been busy.
If I am completely honest, I don’t share your faith that I can find the sort of man you describe, or that the man I want will realise my worth. I haven’t yet tried the creative visualisation, though, so maybe that will help.
I did try a cord cutting meditation once…and didn’t feel like it did much. But equally I wasn’t sure if once was enough or if I am supposed to do it daily for a certain number of days/ regularly.
My goals are ticking along and I continue to make slow progress.
My situation remains much the same. Last week I thought a lot about what you said about grieving and cried a lot as a result…but then I find myself holding on again. Last Saturday we had the most wonderful evening together and then on Sunday I didn’t hear from him at all (I usually hear from him at least once, if not multiple times, a day), which was very painful for me. This week his contact has been less than the previous week but then today we have chatted all evening and he’s planning things again for the next few days. I know it’s like an addiction and he’s my fix, but it’s so hard to not have the attachment to an outcome when every fiber of my being just wants to be loved by him. That said, I am fully aware that it really is the only way forward – whether we end up together or not. He actually even made a comment when we were watching a show a little while ago that the guy in the show would probably only realise that the lady was the love of his life if she was no longer in his life. I asked him why he thought that and he said sometimes you need distance to realise how you feel. That felt like a very sad and poignant form of irony!
Thank you for your kind words and support, Spyce!
Since you’ve said it, I can definitely see clues to him wanting to please. And I would rather not be in a relationship (as much as I long to be in one) than be in a relationship with someone who in any way felt obligated to be with me; it’s very important that any love and desire is reciprocal. Otherwise it’s not real.
How is definitely the issue! I do actually already have friends who would be able to do this, and have on occasion done just that and I can – and will – keep working on my goals. In the past (pre pandemic) I have also tried the getting under someone else, but always regretted it.
I am going to explore the grief approach. And I wouldn’t call myself woo-woo – I can be highly sceptical – but I am also open to trying most things at least once, so would actually be happy to hear even less conventional suggestions.
Hi Spyce,
Thank you! For rooting for me, and for all your insights.
It’s interesting that I’d never perceived him to be a pleaser, or someone who had any issues with saying no, until this discussion with you.
As for what I do from here, the second and third choices are, I know, the only realistic ones. The first will continue to damage me. But, like we have discussed, right now I am limited in what I can realistically do as walking away and taking real space isn’t an option due to lockdown and our situation. Maybe it’s something I will have to do in the future, but it’s definitely not for now. I will continue to work on myself and my goals so that if/ when the time comes, I am best equipped to take that step.
So I am going to instead, for now, work on option three – accepting and letting go of attachment and outcome-dependence. I have begun searching for any resources on these things but if you have any advice on those areas I would welcome it. I know, for me, it will be far from easy to accept and release attachment.
Thank you, Spyce. I saw an opportunity and took it even though I did worry it would make him feel I was pressurising him (albeit indirectly), even though it is only reinforcing things I have said before. I actually also saw him last night and he was making a joke about how he hopes I remember his help when my business is super successful, and that his commission will be 30%. I said sure, if I am still around at that point, and he initially didn’t at all grasp what I was saying. When I said that he knew what I meant, he then changed the topic.
I agree it’s problematic…but there is a part of me which feels that unless he genuinely wants me too then as much as I want it, and as painful as it is for me, then I don’t want him to give me what I want the most. What I want is for him to want that/ me too, if that makes sense? And, to me, if he really felt that then he would take action. That said, we were watching a show last night where one of the people on it was talking about not realising this person was their true love. And we discussed it (we often discuss what we watch) and whereas I said of course you would know – it’s obvious if you love someone or not – he disagreed and said sometimes you may not know until later, like if you have some distance from them (in the show the couple were having some time apart). So I guess it’s also possible he’s blind to it, I don’t know.
I’m definitely not ready to say, “no, being in a pseudo relationship with you that you won’t commit to is hurting my self esteem, and I’m not able to do it anymore”, yet but my worry would be that he would respond either with ‘Okay, I respect your decision and will give you whatever space you need’ or suggesting again that we move to pure friends with no benefits (which I couldn’t do as my feelings aren’t dependent on sex and all the pain would remain the same). Similarly, if I asked him directly if he loved me and was willing to risk losing me I think he would say no to the first part and that he doesn’t want to lose me but he will do what’s best for me to the second. He also HATES feeling under any form of pressure, or having to do something, so I am not sure with him a direct question would ever work (even if he was feeling love for me), as he’d feel on the spot/ attacked and it’s very important to him that any action he takes is because he wants to, and not because he is being pressured by society or another person.
He also did dodge what I said. But the fact he again focused on whether the sex was the issue, and later said he was just checking he wasn’t ‘doing more damage than good, on top of what is already a tricky situation’. This again felt like a level of rejection to me, as him not engaging, asking if only friendship would be better and describing us as tricky all reinforced he can’t have feelings for me, and won’t fight not to lose me. It caused me a lot of pain. But then when he came over, his actions (even down to he wore my favourite outfit if his) indicated otherwise.
You could be right on his boundaries. I initially felt you couldn’t be as in general he definitely has no issue saying no and is the sort of person who never does anything he doesn’t want to do – regardless of what others think. But when I thought about it more deeply, I realised that when he deeply cares about the person, and they are in his ‘inner circle’, he definitely struggles to say no. For example, his family – all of whom are very demanding of him – definitely have him putting their needs first. And he does. Which absolutely has a negative affect on his own goals, finances etc. He doesn’t seem to be able to say no to them. And even with me, although he is firmer with me he has quite frequently gone way out of his comfort zone, or does things he would never usually do, if he thinks I need it or it will make me happy. So, actually, you may have a point – with a partner there is the potential that what he fears could happen.
I don’t really know what to do from here, though!
Hey Spyce, I have an update. Today a text conversation naturally provided an opportunity to directly talk about him feeling he doesn’t have enough to give a relationship – his boys had sent a video talking about relationship stuff and he forwarded it to me. We were discussing aspects of it and that led to a discussion about the fact of how he doesn’t like to label things ultimately was what triggered me to end the dating, as I didn’t feel safe (he said his perception had been that as in the past giving things a label had changed things that were good he felt that if something is good there is no clear benefit to a label, so why take the risk without a reward). This led to him concluding that he needs to improve how he communicates, and then he said, ‘yet another example of why I am single. I clearly need to work on myself more, even down to communicating better’.
I asked what else he felt he needed to work on and he said it is a loaded question and he should be focusing on work, but added communication has moved up the list and that him all round was the basic synopsis. So I called him out on it.
I said I was going to be blunt and whilst we all have work to do and recognising that is great, saying that needs to be done before he can have a relationship is just an excuse – for himself and/ others – and that I thought there was a bigger underlying reason. I added that for the entire time I have known him essentially we have been in a relationship (I have said this to him in the past), as even though there is no label or commitment, what we have isn’t FWB or friendship (and I broke it down and gave examples). I added that I don’t think of him as a boyfriend, or even an actual ex, but neither do I think of him, or treat him, as a friend or FWB. And that I had chosen to be authentic to how I feel, as I invest in him as I would a partner as that is our dynamic. Even if it has to have an end point. I told him that how he is with me is exactly what a partner would be, and that exactly how he is right now is more than enough.
He responded with he’s not ‘desperately chasing’ a relationship right now and so it’s ‘a bit hard’ to have an ‘excuse’ and then responded to what I said (I was actually expecting him to dodge it) by saying: ‘maybe I’m just happy being single then and focusing on me. Rather than saying I need to do x before…, it’s rather I am just focusing on me’.
So I told him he should absolutely do what makes him happy – I fully support him in that as it’s important to be happy and true to yourself.
And added that it’s good understanding for me as it forces me to accept that, no matter his actions, he doesn’t have feelings for me and is willing to risk losing me from his life. So I know I have to focus on letting go and getting myself to a place where I can find someone who wants what I want and can give me what I need.
He read that but didn’t reply for ages and then said ‘on that note, are you sure this is helping? i.e sex’.
Thoughts?
Hey Spyce, I have an update. Today a text conversation naturally provided an opportunity to directly talk about him feeling he doesn’t have enough to give a relationship – his boys had sent a video talking about relationship stuff and he forwarded it to me. We were discussing aspects of it and that led to a discussion about the fact of how he doesn’t like to label things ultimately was what triggered me to end the dating, as I didn’t feel safe (he said his perception had been that as in the past giving things a label had changed things that were good he felt that if something is good there is no clear benefit to a label, so why take the risk without a reward). This led to him concluding that he needs to improve how he communicates, and then he said, ‘yet another example of why I am single. I clearly need to work on myself more, even down to communicating better’.
I asked what else he felt he needed to work on and he said it is a loaded question and he should be focusing on work, but added communication has moved up the list and that him all round was the basic synopsis. So I called him out on it.
I said I was going to be blunt and whilst we all have work to do and recognising that is great, saying that needs to be done before he can have a relationship is just an excuse – for himself and/ others – and that I thought there was a bigger underlying reason. I added that for the entire time I have known him essentially we have been in a relationship (I have said this to him in the past), as even though there is no label or commitment, what we have isn’t FWB or friendship (and I broke it down and gave examples). I added that I don’t think of him as a boyfriend, or even an actual ex, but neither do I think of him, or treat him, as a friend or FWB. And that I had chosen to be authentic to how I feel, as I invest in him as I would a partner as that is our dynamic. Even if it has to have an end point. I told him that how he is with me is exactly what a partner would be, and that exactly how he is right now is more than enough.
He responded with he’s not ‘desperately chasing’ a relationship right now and so it’s ‘a bit hard’ to have an ‘excuse’ and then responded to what I said (I was actually expecting him to dodge it) by saying: ‘maybe I’m just happy being single then and focusing on me. Rather than saying I need to do x before…, it’s rather I am just focusing on me’.
So I told him he should absolutely do what makes him happy – I fully support him in that as it’s important to be happy and true to yourself.
And added that it’s good understanding for me as it forces me to accept that, no matter his actions, he doesn’t have feelings for me and is willing to risk losing me from his life. So I know I have to focus on letting go and getting myself to a place where I can find someone who wants what I want and can give me what I need.
He read that but didn’t reply.
Thoughts?
Hey Spyce,
I do understand why you needed to say the words, and appreciate you for it.
I agree that he is pretty much already giving me what he doesn’t feel he has to give. But I guess in his mind, if it were ‘official’ then he’d have more obligation and I suspect he fears not being able to meet those obligations/ ‘win’ and that’s what he’s avoiding. Plus he has this fixed plan in his mind for his work goals and he can be quite stubborn once something is fixed in his mind.
You’re right that it does impact myself esteem – and you correctly guessed the sort of questions and doubts it raises for me. I do often wonder why I am not ‘enough’ to change his plans (so often we see/ hear of men who changed their opinion on relationships when they meet the ‘right’ woman) and it affirms the sort of beliefs I formed when I was younger about being lesser/ not enough. It definitely feels like constant rejection. And it hurts me deeply.
I’m not ready to risk losing him, but I am aware I may have to sometime in the not too distant future. My suspicion is if I told him the status quo wasn’t working for me and I could only be in his life as something more, or not at all, he would literally say ‘Okay’. And allow me to walk away.
Because that’s how he is: he will quickly accept even stuff he doesn’t like and literally emotionally ‘box’ it off until enough of the emotion has gone for him to start dealing with it. I know he did this after his longest relationship to date ended – literally boxed it off and carried on with life. And when I ended the dating he didn’t fight for it (he later said he feels if at an early stage one person doesn’t think it is working then there is no point in fighting that), and when I told him ending it was a mistake and asked if we could go back, he said he couldn’t and so I requested a period of no contact. Again, he just accepted that. I only lasted around 2-3 weeks, as for me it was torture, and then we resumed our situation as though nothing had happened. But it doesn’t fill me with confidence that, if I were to say I couldn’t continue like this and had to cut contact, he would do anything other than accept it (even if inside he was upset). That said, that was four years ago and over the last year especially we have become so very close, and he’s made the references of valuing me even over his family, and described me as being in his ‘inner circle’, so I don’t know if that may actually have an impact/ different result – I think now he would definitely feel that he has a lot to lose. Much more than ever before.
The throwing me under a bus line really impacted me, as whilst it isn’t the most pressing issue currently it is something I fear and something he has essentially said could happen. And it is hurtful to me that he could even consider wanting someone else. To him, not promising anything to me means it’s okay if that did happen, but to me even being open to that happening is distressing and makes me feel badly about myself. I have, however, made it clear that whilst I have agreed in our current situation we are both free in every way, if he were to sleep with, or date, or have a relationship with another girl (and in the case of the sleeping with I found out, as the other two he would tell me), I would at that point have to cut contact as it would be hurtful to me and I couldn’t then be in his life. So he does know at that point he will lose me. I guess that is a boundary of sorts?
Having that person as you described it would definitely help me with my projects; I see having a partner as an asset as you build together and help each other be better. Ironically, even though that’s what we’re doing, he sees it as a burden and something that holds him back from achieving his business goals (if it has a label).
I think the ‘wobble’ is bad for him as once he has a plan in his mind he doesn’t want to deviate from that. What he is waiting for is to get his business back on track, and get a certain amount of income and success (he lost his car in a fire and hasn’t been able to replace it, for example). Even though he knows I don’t at all care about material stuff or his income or possessions, I think in his mind he has to have achieved a certain amount to be worthy of a partner, and also because he believes he needs to dedicate basically all his time to achieving these things, and a partner would take away from that, or distract him/ slow him down. Combined with feeling that, as he is time and money-poor currently, he doesn’t have enough to offer a partner and so can’t ‘win’ at it. There could, of course, be more to it than that, but that’s what I have been able to establish so far.
I will try to find opportunities to dig a little deeper in a way that doesn’t relate to me or our situation. I have definitely let him know he’s loved and valued for exactly who he is now, so he knows that.
I’d be interested in hearing more about what you think his boundary problem could be.
Hey Spyce,
I appreciate your honesty, even if your words were in parts painful to read.
Yes, he has been clear and consistent, other than when he had his wobble and the fact that his actions say the opposite to his words. Even his words can sometimes be confusing. For example, last night he called to talk through something I had sent him and made a comment about how I am a better person than him. I made a joke about how one day he will appreciate my value and this seemed to have touched a nerve, as he talked at some length about how he does value me, above almost anyone else and even sometimes his own family (his family are his top priority usually) and that one example of this is he chose to be my bubble partner – that many people asked and he said no to all of them except me (you can only have one) – even his own brother. I hadn’t previously known any of this.
Can I ask what makes you say that you don’t think he will never change his mind? I am interested in what makes you think that.
On some level I do know I deserve more, and I definitely know I am a great partner and offer a lot in a relationship, but what I don’t know is how to fully feel that, to the extent where I can move forward, or identify boundaries. I feel really lost on that.
As to why I don’t think there is someone out there who could choose me AND who has all I want…well, it’s because:
– My entire life I haven’t been chosen by others, so have been taught it’s unlikely
– I know I am quite particular in what I want/ need (I have dealbreakers)
– I am also in my early 40s and neither time, or the available dating pool, is on my side
– 2+ years of trying to date has shown me he is not just the closest to what I want, but leagues ahead of anyone else
– My heart wants him and only himAn I remain confused on boundaries in general. Would you be able to give me an example of not just how you would identify a boundary, but also how you would express it to someone else?
Thanks so much for all your insight, Spyce – I appreciate you!
Hi Spyce,
I’ve been well, thank you, and hope you have too.
When we have had these conversations in person he will also just not respond to anything that he doesn’t want to engage with. Also, when we have talked about our situation he’s said the same thing: he’s not looking to date seriously right now, or for the foreseeable and doesn’t want to think I am waiting or hoping for something he doesn’t know he can give – and that, right now, he doesn’t feel he has enough to give to a relationship. In addition to the ‘wobble’ (which he communicated via text at a time where I wouldn’t be seeing him in person for a while), he has also added that given how we connect, if I was still single and interested at the point where he was ready then he would then see if we could move forward…although a couple of times he has caveated this with because of our past (with me ending the dating) he isn’t 100% sure this would be the case. Also, before we went back into a full lockdown he had said he thought we should have benefits less often, because there is the possibility either of us could meet someone else, even casually, then he would feel ‘less guilty’ if we hadn’t recently slept together. I know these face to face conversations are challenging for him, because he doesn’t like feel as if he is on the spot, or under pressure, and also for me because it’s harder for me not to get emotional and reactive.
Our dynamic (I don’t feel like I can call it a relationship) does give me a certain amount of what I want/ need…but not enough. I am lonely a lot of he time; I want to feel loved; I want more regular, guaranteed, sex and I want to feel safe. He’s not very physically affectionate and I am very tactile – he does a certain amount, such as cuddling me when I need it, but not to the extent that I really want. However, you are right that his actions do say he does care very much and that he is there for me and he is definitely a man of actions, not words, in general. And my own thinking before posting here was to just go with what we have for now as I can’t realistically get out there.
We have been told our lockdown will start easing in stages soon – and likely will be over by the end of June. Honestly, that actually has given me a tremendous amount of fear about what will happen with he and I when it does. I know he wants to be more social, and I fear I won’t really see him and that our benefits will stop altogether…and that maybe he’ll start sleeping casually with other women.
I think that in terms of pleasing him I do go along with what he wants. For example, when we have sex (and even some of how) is driven by him, even though he is very considerate in that area it is more his terms than mine. He also decides when we see each other and I deliberately try to lean back and not message him if I don’t hear from him for a little while so that he doesn’t feel pressured. I don’t really know what boundaries I could create, or even how to go about actually creating them.
Boundaries are definitely challenging for that very reason. It’s entirely possible that I am struggling as other than the fact he can’t give me the relationship, and the security, I want, or being with another woman, I can’t really think of anything else that’s unacceptable. When we moved from dating to FWB he set a boundary that we wouldn’t sleep over anymore and, whilst part of me would like that I actually agree with it as, if he were staying then for me the whole situation would emotionally be much harder.
The only other thing I do struggle with is where he goes though phases where he pulls back from the sex, or we have it infrequently for whatever reason. Not just because that triggers fears for me, but because I like, want and need the physical aspect of our dynamic. But I don’t know if raising that, during lockdown at least I need that more frequently is a boundary, or an acceptable one if it is.
My family know his name but think he is a friend, and that he is my bubble partner as he’s the friend who lives closest to me (which he is). I sometimes wonder if my mother thinks it could be more, due to some remarks she has made, but it’s never been explicitly said – because how could I even begin to explain it to them? My friends all say very much the same as you: that we are essentially in a relationship by all but name.
I know he talks of me to his mother, as I have already said, in the context of I do a lot for him – hence she asked what he is doing for me and now why he’s so actively helping me keep on track with my business goals. I also know he talks about me with his siblings – he often asks for my input when they are discussing things, so we have communicated indirectly via voice note or phone call, and he’s asked me to help his brother choose items for a house he bought. He also told me his brother refers to me by name, as usually with girls his brother can’t remember names, so uses nicknames like the area they live. But with me I ‘cover to many areas’ so he was ‘forced to learn my name’. He hasn’t mentioned whether his friends are aware of me, or what they know.
Neither of us have met any of our friends or family. We do go out in public – before lockdown to restaurants or the cinema and since lockdown for walks very close to his home and family home – but haven’t ever been together in the presence of people we know. It’s always just us.
Regarding talking about it, I have, on several occasions via text message exchanges and once in person, gone as far as to say that whilst I know we aren’t together for me our dynamic is in every way a relationship, just one without labels or agreed commitment. He never engages with, or responds to, these comments and I get the sense he dismisses them.
In terms of my past, I grew up an only child in a very small family and was well-loved and the centre of attention. I did, however, experience a lot of family illness, loss and bereavement growing up and that did make me fear losing people from a young age. I struggled with friendships: I tended to always gravitate towards one ‘best’ friend as I was quite introverted, but although this person would always ask me to do things for them (like help with homework) and I would go out of my way to please, before long they would always want to spend time with other friends and effectively abandoned me – many times I would be sitting in the playground alone whilst my ‘best’ friend played with others and ignored me. Additionally, I was badly bullied my entire school years – for my appearance and being academically high-achieving, but this further isolated me and decimated my confidence.
I didn’t have my first real relationship until university. That relationship lasted ten years. Although I felt very anxious about everything initially he made me feel safe and literally smothered me with love (to the point it was suffocating and ultimately was one of the contributing factors in things not working out – he didn’t want us to have any time apart, ever. Didn’t even like both of us spending time with my family together). I was the one who ended it – several years after any attraction had died for me. It took me a long time to walk away as, whilst I wasn’t happy, I didn’t think I would find anyone else who would love me.
After that I had a six year relationship with a man who essentially wanted me to mother him – so it was me doing literally everything and him taking, with few/ none of my needs being met. That relationship chipped away at my self esteem as I never felt like he had my back (and he didn’t, which ultimately is why it ended) but he also had a very low sex drive (mine is high) and his constant rejection made me feel so very undesirable and unworthy.
I had been single 18 months, and dated a bit (not really gone past a first date with anyone as couldn’t find anyone I felt attracted to but I deliberately also had some casual encounters, which helped restore my self esteem a little) when I met this man online.
So, thinking about it, I think I have always struggled with setting boundaries. Any insights/ advice would be welcomed.
Thank you, Spyce.
In all honesty, I am not sure that I actually believe that there is someone out there that could give me what he does but also is reciprocal. When we stopped dating, and moved to FWB in the agreement we would both be free to date he did encourage me to date as he said he wanted me to be happy and as he couldn’t go back to us dating he would rather encourage me to date than put roadblocks in the way. So from 2017 to the start of 2020 I did actively try to date. As well as being social, I was on several dating apps and, in all honesty, aside from one guy in 2018 (who turned out to be similarly avoidant to wanting a relationship), not a single guy in all that time had anywhere near the chemistry, attraction, connection or potential of this guy. The fact I found ONE who did, and would have at that point explored a relationship with him had he been open to that, confirms for me that this wasn’t because I was too fixated on him. It’s just rare for me to feel true attraction and connection, and also he has SO many of the values and character traits in the man I want to be with long term – many of which are quite rare (looking not just at my own experience, but also that of my friends and wider networks).
The pandemic, and being bubble partners through 2020, has changed our dynamic further and strengthened our connection. And that’s why it is harder than ever for me to let go – years of dating taught me there doesn’t seem to be anything better out there, and now we are even closer than we have ever been.
I don’t think he’s perfect, or without flaws. And I recognise that, even if he realised he wants a relationship with me and we were officially together he wouldn’t always be able to fulfil all my needs. Because we are so opposite in so many ways. However, I genuinely think it could still be a very happy and healthy relationship. For example, he has an exceptionally mature and healthy way of handling any potential conflict, and quick to admit if he is wrong, seeking to make it right.
That said, as aforementioned I also recognise that I can’t wait around forever and may never get what I want most. No matter how long I waited. And had already put plans in place to firstly work on myself, and then after lockdown to actively open myself to finding someone else again and put myself in the places where I may find them…even if what I really want is the secret to unlocking this man’s heart to make him love me properly. I know I can’t change him, only me, so hence I am doing that.
I’m not sure I’d say I am okay with the agreed boundary around others, but I know that there isn’t one that I would be okay with, so it’s the one I can work with best out of all the available options currently available to me.
I appreciate your insight into boundary-setting a great deal but I am really struggling to identify what boundary could help: my mind is drawing a blank (other than the obvious).
Oh, and I don’t know if this is relevant but I had a realisation today that one of the things that makes me struggle with him and our dynamic is all my life I have struggled with feeling ‘enough’ and not ‘lesser’ than others (years of bullying and being – to my mind – abandoned by best friends in favour of others) and so from childhood onwards always craved being THE most important person in the life of someone else (friends and romantic partners) – as they generally are to me. If anything makes me feel like I am not, it triggers immense fear (mainly of being left/ abandoned but also it’s where the being cheated on comes in). I think it’s one of the reasons I have always been a people-pleaser who struggles to say no. The reason I am sharing this is I think it relates to boundary setting. But seeing as I can’t force someone to think I am the most important person in their life, I don’t know if this is something I need to, or can, fix in me, or whether it relates to a boundary I can set – any thoughts?
