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Dear Heidi,
Thank you so much for your detailed reply. Very sorry for not replying. I kind of fell into depression. On certain days, I am working on myself and hanging out and feeling ‘positive’. On other days, I am crying so hard and do not feel like leaving home as I had some really scary thoughts. I have been attending counselling for a month now. My counsellor is amazing. However, I feel that after the 3rd session when I talk about my partner she tends to cut me off as she has told me previously that she is going to focus on bettering myself and building my self-esteem. I understand that but at times I just need a listening ear as I literally have no one else to talk to about him. I have stopped talking to both my friends and his friends about him as I am trying to stay positive. This is also why I have been in good terms with his friends.
Here’s some updates since our conversation. Since the meetup with Person C, I sent all the voice recordings to my partner. He heard everything and messaged me saying that it was 100% bullshit. He then called me and told me the truth. He explained to me and was being honest as he told me that “Some of the things I am going to tell you are gonna be hard and I am really sorry but I think you should know what exactly happened”. I felt furious and wanted to confront Person C but my partner calmed me down. On 6/2/21, my partner and his friends met up with Person C to confront her about this. I did not know about this. The next day(7/2/21), I met up with my partner and his friends to have a talk about this. They told me about the meetup that they had with Person C. Apparently it turned very ugly as she became very defensive and started hurling vulgarities at my partner. She also slapped my partner who slapped her in return. The friends got angry and everyone said they do not want anything to do with her. After we spoke about the issue awhile, we all started talking about random stuff and joked with one another. I almost forgot that the breakup even happened because it felt like how it was like always. My partner was looking at me the whole time although his friends were there and kept teasing me. After awhile, his friends left and it was just the both of us. We spoke about the relationship abit. He still said that he doesn’t want a relationship for now as he wants to work on himself. He also admitted that he started contacting Person C as a distraction and will not do it anymore after realising her true colours. he wants to better himself and work on his patience and commitment. When he feels ready, he would come back to me. I asked him tearfully, “What if I am not there?” and he told me that it would be his loss but he would be the happiest if I was still there as I am a very nice girl. After awhile, he hugged me tightly saying he missed me so much. We made out but I started pulling away as I felt that I should not show that I am “too easy” for him.
After that, we texted each other abit. On 16/2/21, I sent him a small paragraph saying “thank you for everything” etc. He replied likewise too. The purpose of me doing that was for me to go on ‘No Contact’ mode for a month hoping that he would miss my presence much more and come back to me. However, it has been 1.5 months since he contacted me and I have been wanting to contact him but I also know that is not the best option. Knowing him, he either does not want to contact me due to probably ego because he called for the breakup or most likely due to the fact that he knows I would want to reconcile with him and he is probably still not ready for commitment. However, I am missing him more and more everyday and feel lost on what to do.
We have a strong emotional and spiritual connection where I know he misses me alot and he still has the love for me. But his fears and being emotionally unavailable are some factors that are stopping him. What would you advise?
Thank you.
Hi Heidi/Kanya,
I had my first counselling session and it was good. Well it was mostly me sharing my story but it was somewhat therapeutic having a professional talking to me. I’ll be continuing weekly… the counsellor pointed that there is quite abit of work to be done such as working on my amxiety, the meaning of the relationship to me, emotional regulation, self esteem etc. Hope it goes well.
I have been keeping up with the space thing. Not gonna lie, I had a breakdown awhile ago as I feel very emotionally overwhelmed this week. I miss him so much. I was this close to stalking again but somehow kept myself in control. I’m not sure how long I can sustain this. I am trying to love myself but I feel that I’m always on the losing end
Hi Heidi,
Thank you for checking in… apologies for the late reply. I thought about what you said. I do realise that I need to work on myself. It has not been easy… almost 2 months and I am still wondering how it ended in a blink of an eye. When I got to connect with him and his friends last Sunday, it felt so amazing. I had so much fun with them and it is sad to say this but I don’t even feel that happy when I am with my own friends. Especially the part when him and I got to have some alone time… its been a week now and I am missing it so much. I have somehow been meeting him the past few times but this time round I told myself that I really need to give some space. Its going to be extremely hard for me but I am giving it a try.
I have not contacted him for about 4-5 days now. Yesterday he randomly texted me saying the new season of a tv show is out in case I didn’t know… I guess the space is somewhat working? Lol. I have been going out with my friends the past few days. I am studying part time so I have some assignments to do as well. Not gonna lie, I have been slightly addicted to alcohol… the euphoric feeling of just being high and laughing with my friends. Its like temporary happiness. Its not a must for me but I find myself wanting to drink at least once a week.
I have arranged for a counselling session next week. I am satisfied with my choice of counsellor as I searched high and low for a good therapist. Next week is my first session, lets see how it goes.
Thank you for the resources you have sent me. I have been trying to follow them at least one thing every week. Most importantly, been trying to keep myself occupied so that I won’t go stalking him.
I just hope that I am not lying or being fake with myself but genuinely growing stronger everyday
Dear Heidi,
Thank you so much. I thought through about what you said. Yes I am journaling whenever I get the time. I struggle abit to be raw with myself which I’m not sure why. Still trying.
We met yesterday for a closure of the issue with his ex. A few of his friends were there. We had a really good time. It felt like nothing had changed. Apparently his friend and himself had confronted his ex-date the night before and she became defensive and aggressive. There was a heated argument and all. he had vowed that he is not going to contact her anymore as he is done with her lies. They were reciting the story to me. After that, we were all watching funny videos and laughing together. I realised how much I missed this. When he went to buy things, his friends told me that they moved away from me as I was not adhereing to what they said and made the situation worse, such as contacting him and stalking him. I apologised saying it took some time to realise that.
The friends left. We were both sitting together and talking about the issue with his ex. After awhile, we spoke abit about us. He started telling me that he miss me so much and at times he feels lonely. I asked him then why don’t you want to work this out? He said that he feels peaceful without the relationship for now. I told him that I can tell that he still has some love for me and would come back to me. He told me that he would be very happy if I can be his girlfriend again if he is ready for commitment which we don’t know how long it would take. I hugged him and held him really tight. I touched his face and looked into his eyes. He started kissing me. I kissed but pulled away abit and told him that he can only kiss me if he loves me and wants me. He told me that he is not kissing out of love but because he misses me. I felt hurt but I believe that my love will change his mindset. I believe that when he asks me for a second chance, I would have all the power such that he would be more than willing to rectify his wrongdoings and b4e committed to me. For that, I understand that I would really need to work on myself. When I feel good on the inside, I would be able to glow on the outside.
What do you think about this?
Hi Heidi,
I feel satisfied about the talk… it was informal and we joked and laughed and were serious when we had to be. It felt like how we were as a couple just talking but I had to resist myself from touching him or being too physically close which was very painful. Before we left I wanted to hug him and he said “no please understand”. I felt very hurt and cried as he walked away. I can go on and on about this talking about how I am still in disbelief that things have changed to this extent but I have nothing much to say already… just bottling up for now so I can carry on with my day.
To be honest, I do not feel okay about him behaving like that. For the longest time in the relationship, I was trying to find the root cause of this. I figured that this was due to how his exes had treated him. He was loyal to them but they made things very difficult for him that he developed this mindset that it is okay to do what he wants whenever he wants. He told me that till now he feels guilty and embarraased for cheating on me as he did not mean to hurt me intentionally (ironic). I have been trying to explain to him for the longest time that this is not healthy and he knows it but he does not want to fully accept it in making a change.
Thank you so much… I hope so too. I really appreciate all your words thus far. Each time I receive an email notification from you I feel like I am talking to a friend/professional who cares and understand the situation almost like no other. The past 2 weeks of sharing with you has been helping me cope… thank you ❤
Hi Heidi, I thought about it and managed to calm myself down. We met yesterday and I was talking to him very calmly. He mentioned that he feels guilty for what he did but he is aware that cheating/sleeping around is his toxic trait and he is not ready for commitment. I told him to seek a therapist or a counsellor but he is not open to that idea. We spoke about what his ex-date had mentioned and he clarified everything. Some of the things he confessed to me and I felt like crying but I didn’t. I heard him out and I questioned where necessary. We had a good talk. We are thinking of how to confront her and speak to his friends because she unnecessarily dragged his friends into this and told a lot of lies. I then asked him why does he still contact her despite everything that she has put him through. He straight up told me that he does not see her as anything more than a hoe. She is like readily available for him all the time. At this point I just stared at him and asked him “Does this make you feel good about yourself? I got no comments”. He just stared at me blankly.
What you say about getting help for myself makes sense… I am definitely on it. Just taking longer than usual as I am seeing the costs and all. I really hope to be able to see a therapist by the end of the month LATEST. Thank you for the kind words.
Hmm wow I didn’t see it from that perspective… that is true as well. Yes this makes sense. I agree that it would be more messy when more people are involved. Thank you for explaining this 🙂
Dear Heidi,
I am starting to understand that it is him choosing this for himself. It makes a lot of sense, as we had a happy and easy-going relationship. Before he cheated on me, I did suspect a few things like when I saw his ex-date’s contact saved in his phone. However, I did not question him as I trusted that he is loyal to me. I was very understanding when he explained about this toxic behaviour and saw the good in him. He really pushed me to the point where I was left with the unpleasant approach where I began questioning about his whereabouts and yelling at him to cut down his drinks and go back home early. I gave him countless chances and heard him out each time he screwed up. However, I asked for one chance to show that I will not be controlling and be more calm in my tone instead of confronting or being sarcastic. He just did not want to give the relationship another chance although he loved me. A few days later, he started saying that he does not want this at all and wants to move away from me. I love him with all my heart truly and deeply. At the same time, I feel like yelling at him for doing this to me in hopes of lashing out all the anger and hurt I am holding onto.
This is interesting? How does he protect you? Are you in fear for your physical safety? Or are you just not wanting to deal with another man’s interest or attraction towards you?
I am not sure how to put it in words but he protects me like I am his baby literally. I am a small sized person by nature and he would just hug me or carry me when I am feeling cold, tired, scared etc. He has always looked out for me and had my back during tough situations. He has this manly feel and touch that I feel very safe with him wherever and whenever. More than physical safety, I would say that it is the latter. Last week, I went to the bar with my friend. We were abit high after a few drinks and were just talking and laughing among ourselves. The owner of the bar came and spoke to us, gave us free shots and put his arms around me when he spoke. Although it seems friendly or even a business strategy, I suddenly felt like I needed to be protected by him. Because we share most part of our day with each other even if it was a joke. If we were together, I would be calling him and telling him “omg do you know what just happened”. I feel that I cannot give myself to any other man even if it is just a hookup. I am a very loyal and morally conscious person, which is why I am unable to accept that he can sleep around to “cope” with the breakup.I am definitely willing to find someone to help me with this period. I am unable to do it on my own already. Private counselling here is pricey and I am still exploring. I am working full-time and studying part-time. I am thinking of resigning my job as the workload is intense and the environment is very toxic. I am turning 23 this year and I started this job when I was 20. I learnt office politics in the hardest way and would always vent my stress to him. He was ALWAYS there to hear me out and advise me accordingly which helped tremendously. I was supposed to resign last year but Covid was at its peak and we were working from home so it was not too bad. Every other day I am dragging myself to work. Furthermore, going through this breakup is not helping either. I would rather be sleeping or crying at home or elsewhere than be at work. Fun fact, I am actually working in the social work sector. Hence, listening to people’s problems and “counselling” them when I myself am feeling depressed. Ironic that I am learning about social work theories, psychology and counselling skills in school but when it comes to my own situation I am just LOST. I have decided that I need this break for myself. Just that financially it is tight as I do support my parents as well. Hence there are really alot of things on my plate and I literally feel so exhausted that I feel like going to an open field to scream and cry and end everything.
Here is an update from what happened. After I met him and told him everything that his ex-date had said about him, he did not fully believe me. I told him I recorded the whole conversation. He asked me to send him the recording and I was hesistant at first but the next day (1/2/21) I did. At night he messaged me saying that everything that his ex-date spoke was 100% bullshit. Yesterday night he called me and told me that he is shocked that she twisted the whole story. He admitted that he had cheated on me a few times with her when we initially got together. He called it a phase where he was not loyal. The one that I caught him when I was outside his house was when he really stopped and started being loyal. After that he admitted that he drunk called her on a few occassions to scold her. He said that she knew that he was in a relationship but she would come to “open her legs” everytime he called her. He told me “I know it sucks for you to hear this and I did not want to go into detail but situation is such that she is saving her ass so I need to lay the facts. She was readily available so I called her a few times and she would immediately come to my house”. My heart broke yet again upon hearing that. He told me that he contacted her after we broke up as a form of “distraction” and she has been entertaining him in terms of calls and text messages. In summary, everything that his ex-date told me was not 100% true as she willingly did stuff with him. However, she told me that she did not know he was together with me as she “heard” we broke up (before the actual breakup as we have not broke up before this) and since she found out she has been feeling remorseful about sleeping with a guy who has a girlfriend and moved away from him. My partner said that he has text messages to prove that she has been doing things sneakily with him.
He said that he wants to meet me nearing the end of the week to clear this with me. He then intends to confront her. I suggested that after we meet, we should call his friends and that ex-date to have a face to face confrontation so that everyone is aware of the truth and not hold on to perceptions. I told him that this would be my closure with him and everyone else. I told him that I want to settle this by this week and asked him if he can meet me earlier but he said he is busy. It is so frustrating to know that he cannot meet me after work or make some time to get this out of the way. I am not keen in dragging it longer as that girl (ex-date) is manipulative and capable of twisting her words. Thankfully I voice recorded the whole conversation but I guess this is my chance of telling him enough of everything he has done to hurt me. I literally feel like I was being made a fool out of. At the same time, I want the relationship with him as honestly if it wasn’t for his ugly dark side, we would be contented with what we had which was truly amazing and we would have resolved typical relationship issues so easily. For this to happen, I really hope he will truly reflect and change after this incident whereby he heard how his ex-date twisted the whole story blaming him for everything and “coming after her”. I hope he will realise that nothing is kept under the carpet. Most importantly, I hope he realises my worth and how much happiness and sanity our relationship provided him.
What do you think or suggest?
Hi Heidi,
Thank you for the response. I agree with what you said about “things can only be perfect for a period of time before someone’s baggage gets exposed”. I really wanted to be part of his healing process. I have been trying to persuade him to seeing a therapist to regulate his emotions on this matter. However, from Oct-Dec, we had lots of arguments that did not allow me to have that kind of conversation with him and I regret it. Because I know that he wouldn’t seek help as it is seen like a “taboo”. I agree that he ruined himself and the relationship we had especially. I still do not understand why did he sabotage it when he loved me so much. Even his ex told me that she was shocked that he actually loves me so much and wanted me like no other. Why did he keep going to her place drunk even if the intention was to scold her? I have so many questions and yes I clarified with him which I will share in abit.
I agree with his darker side bringing in these issues. I understand that the trauma from his ex was really next level. He told me that the last memory that he has of his ex before he decided that he wanted to completely leave her was when she turned up at his apartment block and screamed at him threatening to kill herself and ran to the top floor. His neighbourhood was filled with police cars and ambulance. He did not dive in further. When he said that, I could see how much it affected him. His exes were really psychotic. When we got together, I remember there was this other girl who cut hers arms and thighs in patterns and sent him pictures. Of course there would be a backstory to why they behaved like that but that really damaged him and I feel for him so much. However, I also feel that the breakup with me was uncalled for when we simply could have sat down and communicated with each other and worked things out together step by step.
We met up yesterday after he ended work. I was surprised that he agreed to the meetup and sounded rather polite over text message. I called him when I had reached the place and I thought he would not answer my call but reply with a text message instead. However, I was surprised that he had answered my call. It felt so nice hearing his voice on the phone. However, awhile later when he came, he was very cold towards me. He walked in front and did not turn back to talk to me or match my pace. When we sat, I started off by asking him how was his day, how are his parents etc. He gave me one word answers which felt like he was indirectly telling me to cut to the chase.
I started off by clarifying the situation of the perception that was being formed whereby I am going talking to his friends about our relationship/breakup. I also asked him why he blocked me on social media as he used to follow his exes on social media until he got together with me and he deleted pictures and blocked them. He said that it was a very normal thing for him so he can avoid seeing my posts and have complete space in being able to move on. I could not accept it as a reason but I had no upperhand on this.
I then told him everything about the meetup I had with his ex-date who is the one he cheated on me with. I explained to him about the purpose of the meetup (mainly she wanted to talk to me and share with me her side of her story) and partly for my closure as I had lots of questions as I thought she was after him. He was shocked and he could not believe if I really met her. I clarified with him and asked my questions. He agreed that he had drunk called her on ocassions as he could not accept what she did to him. He agreed that he should have healed himself first before getting into a relationship with me. He confessed that he realised what he was doing was not right and he was unsure why he was behaving like this. He shared that he did not know how to open up to me when things were going well between us and he felt suffocated suppressing his emotions, which come out when he is drunk and he channels it straight to his ex.
After hearing me out, I told him that I kind of understood this to a certain extent and wanted to be a part of his healing process but I got messed up emotionally with my anxiety kicking in and all. I told him that I agreed to work on myself and he told me he would do likewise when he initiated the breakup. I then questioned him why is he still contacting his ex 2 weeks after breaking up with me? How was he able to download Tinder? How is he able to go to prostitutes for one night stands? He told me that whatever that happened post-breakup is none of my concern. I was hurt upon hearing that. I did not know how to respond and told him that the breakup was uncalled for. I also mentioned that it seems like he wanted to breakup so that he has the freedom to play around as he is unable to stay committed for long and he knows that I will be waiting for him so for now can throw me at one corner. He said that it not the reason and I told him well I am not gonna be waiting and I am questioning myself if I really want this. I told him that I am moving on as well as I am unable to go through sleepless nights wondering if he would contact his ex everytime he drinks with his friends.
His face changed but he did not say anything. We then headed back home and he did not hug me. I broke down as he walked away and felt like running after him but stopped myself. To be very honest, I do not mean what I said because I still love him so deeply and I really want to fix this. The relationship has been very rocky but I believe that we can stabilise it with proper support for the both of us individually to heal ourselves. I have seen him being the best version of himself (loyal, commiited, loving etc) before well history repeated itself. I believe that he can be the man of my dreams like he was at the start.
I had to show him that I can walk away too as I am not a toy or puppet. I am starting to uphold my self-respect which I unknowingly started losing when he cheated on me. But it is REALLY hard to pretend like everything is okay and carry on when I have so much emotions running, so much hurt and anger and not much tears coming out anymore and so much love for him. I have found myself growing more anxious especially in social situations when I catch other men looking at me. I feel the need to be protected by him, to be known as his girlfriend. All these thoughts give me anxiety attacks almost everyday. People say “have faith and stay strong”. I’m not sure if I am keeping my hopes high that the relationship would work out but it is getting more depressing that every passing day is a disappointment.
Hi Kanya,
Thank you for the reply. I have learnt about the attachment styles as well but I have never thought of it that way… we were securely attached until he cheated on me and I guess I became more anxious and he started becoming more avoidant. Yes the huge fear of survival is real. Sometimes I don’t even know if I am sleeping because I dream about the same things. At times I do not feel like sleeping. Okay I will check innerbonding out. I tried emailing some of them but have not gotten a response yet. I hear what you mentioned about connecting with my younger self… I am open to doing that but I do not exactly know how. What are some ways I can go about this?
I wanna update that yesterday, I met my partner’s ex date who shall be named Person C. Apparently she has been wanting to meet me to talk and share certain things. I did not agree to it for sometime until I thought through it and realised I need closure on 2 things: 1) How could she bring herself to do this to another girl (the incident she slept with my partner) despite knowing the relationship can end when she claims she went through the same thing. 2) What is this emotional baggage that my partner is holding onto that makes him go back to what hurt him so much psychologically.
It took me another level of being calm to meet her through the help of a mutual friend. Before she started speaking, I emphasized the purpose of the meetup stating the reasons above and not because I wanna be friends or in kahoots with her. I didn’t even make eye contact with her for the most part when she was talking. She shared her side of the story which really shocked me. Apparently my partner has been contacting her since he was together with me. He would turn up drunk under her apartment block and demand to see her then itself at like 3/4am. She would come down and yell at him saying “does your girlfriend know you are here? Why are you here I don’t want you anymore” and they would start fighting to the point where it would end up bad. She said it happened a few times and each tine he would be drunk. He would also drunk call and text her saying he misses her and all. However, he has also told her that he loves me more than anything. The incident that he cheated on me, he had drunk called her saying he wants to speak to her then itself and told her that we have broken up sometime back. She trusted his words and came to meet him. They were both pissed drunk and had a bad fight. They both went up to his place and thats when the “mistake” happened. The next morning, when I came to the house and knocked on the door, Person C got a shock and had to slap my partner awake asking what am I doing at his door when he said we broke up. My partner was still drunk and confused (we never broke up by the way and this was 2019). Person C started crying saying she cannot believe she brought herself to do this to another girl and wanted to open the door and confess everything to me. However, my partner begged her not to saying he will talk to me himself and cried to her saying he loves me very much and does not want to lose me. Person C decided to help him because she claimed that at the moment she had no feelings for him which was why she did not want to see him every time he came under her apartment or scolded him when he drunk called her.
Person C told me that she loved my partner at one point of time but he treated her like nothing. She said she has never seen my partner cry for another girl and she was shocked to see how much he loved me and wanted me. My partner has also told Person C that he found his happiness which is me. Although she could not bear to hear him, she said that made her move on and eventually lose feelings for my partner. When she started moving on and becoming stronger, my partner started coming back to her saying “how come you can cope without me”. Since then, he started drunk calling and scolding her or demanding to see her and scold her. This stopped in February 2020 and since then my partner didn’t contact her.
I couldn’t 100% buy what she told me as I never knew my partner was doing this, he told me a completely different story. I do not know which is the truth. However, she told me that my partner has been contacting her again since we broke up. He has been drunk texting her that he misses her. She told me that she deleted the messages and blocked him. She showed me her call log however where it was filled with incoming calls from my partner every other day. My heart broke yet again upon seeing that. First I hear that my partner has been contacting her prior to the cheating incident, then when we just broke up he has been contacting her again instead of me?
Every night I go to bed hoping there will be a drunk text from him conveying his feelings to me. I have not gotten any one month since the breakup. He promised me that the breakup is for him to work on himself and not play around. He told me that he would come back to me when he is ready for a relationship. Above everything, he told me that he still loves me. One thing I would never doubt is his love for me because like his family, friends, ex say, or leave everyone else and I can strongly say, that he loves me like no other. He told everyone including myself that he wants to settle down with me and I’m the only one he wants.
However, looking at how things have been going, I’m not sure what to believe. How can someone say they love you but don’t want the relationship, breakup saying they want to work on themselves then contact their ex again? Why does he do this to himself? Why is he doing this to me? Since my meetup with Person C yesterday, I have not slept or ate properly. Her words keep replaying in my head and I am in so much shock. I have not cried at all and I cannot bring myself to cry. I am really scared that I am gonna have a huge mental breakdown sooner or later.
I have been talking about wanting to meet my partner to clear the air and let things be on a good note before I give him the space. I’m not sure if me not giving him the space made him contact his ex instead of me? To clarify, he does not have feelings for her. This is the ex that traumatised him previously by threatening him with suicide such as sitting on the top floor and calling him saying she is gonna jump down. He went through so much bullshit with her. After the cheating incident in 2019, he told me that the reason why he keeps drunk calling and scolding her is because he feels like he is taking his revenge as she ruined his life. My partner has clearly not healed from his past and sadly he let that affect our relationship. Things were perfect between us until his ex started coming into the picture because of him.
Now my partner says that he doesn’t want our relationship. How can someone do this? I want to meet my partner to confront him about this. I feel like telling him that I am done and I am walking away. I feel that all this while especially after the breakup, I have been going after him giving him the “reassurance” that I am still there for him and begging him. I’m not sure if this is right… but do you think that only when I pick myself up and show that I don’t want the relationship, he would start fearing that he is actually going to lose me and chase me?
My partner is a gem of a character. He is really nice and the person that everyone should have as a friend. However, all his friends say that he is an amazing friend but he cannot be a boyfriend because he fears commitment. With me, he really gave his all and realised that he was feeling suffocated and hence the breakup to work on himself. These were his words btw. Well clearly he doesn’t seem to be working on himself as he is using the freedom of the breakup to contact his ex again as previously after he cheated on me, I became more on guard of his whereabouts and started questioning him where he felt controlled. I genuinely feel sad for my partner that his past relationships screwed him up mentally to the point where he started playing around. There were three girls especially including Person C, who really drove him crazy. He needs to heal and I really wanted to be part of his healing process by sending him for therapy to let go of his past. Unfortunately, he does not want me.
I am really lost in my thoughts and I’m not sure what to do. I want he relationship with him because yes I agree there is lots of fixing to be done individidually but as a couple whenever we are together, we have the best times of our lives. We love each other so much and support each other through ups and downs. Things became way too complicated this time. I really want to confront him about this whole thing but I’m not sure what approach do I use. Do I shout at him for everything he has done intentionally or unintentionally do I sound firm and bold etc? One thing for sure, I might cry my lungs out.
Please help me out
Hi Heidi,
Thank you so much for sharing some of the things you would do to keep yourself positive. I resonate with most of it actually, such as having dogs and being with the nature. I guess the latter sounds more feasible for now and I’ll try it out. The giving out roses example is such a beautiful one, I can only imagine how many people’s day would have been made. I’ll try it out too… especially right now I know how much it means to just put a smile on someone’s face.
Statement 1: Wow I didn’t see it in that way… thats true. I guess what you mean is that explaining my intentions wouldn’t matter at this point when actions is all that it takes?
Statement 2: This is a harsh truth that I need to accept… I am reallt afraid of just completely moving away or at least not “spying” on him because I am afraid that he might talk to other girls or sleep with someone else. I feel like I need to keep “reminding” him of my presence. I know it shouldn’t be this way and it sucks to think that I have gotten to this level of being “crazy”.
Statement 3: Thank you for this reminder and including yourselves in being there for me too, I appreciate it lots
Statement 4: Hmm yes… I kind of regret not giving him that kind of space at the start. Now that I want to, I feel that I made things abit messy and I keep having this thought/feeling that I need to clear the mess first then we can be on good terms with each other and he would actually miss me
I honestly didn’t think of it that way… I do agree with you that my actions are going to speak louder than my words. I don’t mind writing a letter but I would want a two-way conversation such as seeing his expressions and hearing what he has to say. To be very honest, when he didn’t reply me about meeting up, I made up my mind that I am just gonna appear in front of him. Now that you say how my actions are the opposite of my words/intentions, I really wanna get his consent for the meetup. He told me that he will meet me when he can but I don’t want him to tell me things like that, give me false hopes and not get back to me. I really don’t know whats good at this point. I’m also afraid that if I write a letter and send it to him, he might not even text me about it and I wouldn’t even know if he has read it or what are his thoughts and feelings. Thats the part I feel anxious like what if I regret not meeting up instead
For the focusing on myself part, I will do what you suggested such as watching motivational speakers and going on long walks. I fully agree that I need to surround myself with things that make me happy and go out of my comfort zone to push myself in acquiring this skill. I’ll try harder.
Dear Heidi,
Thank you so much for your kind words… you empathising with me means alot to me as I connect on an emotional level. Thank you really. I get what you mean about staying away and it makes a lot of sense. I resonate with you and I really wamt to be able to show him through my actions. That is why I want to meetup to clear the misunderstanding. I know him well and I strongly feel that once I have cleared the misunderstanding, he would have a clearer perception and then when I give him all the space, he would start “missing” me. Otherwise, he would take it as I disrespected him by talking to his friends so even if he misses me he is not going to reach out. I will live up to my words and actions that once I clear this with him on a good note, I will give him all the space. I really want to show him that I am respectful of him wanting space but I wanna ensure that we are on each other’s good books. For that, how can I let him know that I want to meetup without sounding desperate? How can I assure him that I am meeting up to talk about this only and not beg him to get back together?
I agree that I am unable to let go… even if it means cheering him on from a distance, I am willing to do it even if I have to disguise myself to see him. It sounds crazy but I don’t know how to cope without going crazy. I really feel alone. I have emailed some counsellors/therapistts asking how to go about booking sessions and their charges. Hope they get back to me asap. I agree that I am going to him to make myself feel better. I really want to be strong but like you said it is really hard to even think about moving on. I am still holding on so tight and I am feeling tired. My love is true. I am also starting to understand that the only way the tables could possibly turn is when I move away from him to show him through my actions that I can give him space like you said and work on myself by loving myself enough to show him that I can walk away too. That is the only thing that is gonna make him want to consider the relationship and come running back. I need to be stronger, so strong that there is nothing left to shake me. When he sees and feels my strength, he would have the fear that he is losing me. I keep telling myself this but I don’t know how and where to start. I try not to contact him for 3-5 days but I am unable to continue. I’m hoping that I would see a change in myself when I see a therapist.
Thank you for guiding me through your words. I really feel so alone during this period. My friends are all busy with their lives handling their own relationship stressors, work or studies. They are pretty goal oriented people and its hard to find time to meet them let alone confide in them. All of his friends who told me that they will help to talk to him or be there for me have all moved away from me. They used to call and check on me, meet me, encourage me and even ordered food for me when I had no appetite to eat. However, the past 3 weeks they tell me that he no longer wants this and I need to stop being in denial. They are angry with me for not accepting reality and move on. But I don’t wanna take their words 100%, I wanna hear from him as well.
Sometimes I feel exhausted having to go out on my own as I eat by myself outside and go somewhere to sit and cry. Often times these places are places that we have been to and had good memories. I cry so hard thinking just 1.5 months ago everything was good, we were a loving couple and weathering all storms together as a team. It literally changed overnight. I do have thoughts like what if I dashed across the road or cut myself or something. But I constantly remind myself that my family comes first and for the sake of my mom and brother especially I wouldn’t do such a thing.
I am sorry to keep going in circles. I don’t quite have anyone to hear me out and I am grateful for this platform. I know you emphasize on giving space for now but my heart feels like I should rectify or rather clear the misunderstanding before I completely move away for some time. How can I put this across to him?
Thank you
Hi Kanya, thank you for the kind words. It is indeed very hard and in 3 days I feel like seeing him and try to go somewhere near his place. I’m really trying to stop myself from doing this but it is harder than I thought.
Thank you so much for providing me with the necessary information to get started on exploring therapists. I will definitely check it out. Really appreciate it.
Yes that is my personality, I am a very positive and sweet person by nature and that really attracted him to me. I remember him telling me that my words and actions make him feel like he got everything in the world. Yes I thought about it and I realised that too… it started when he cheated on me. I remember feeling like I was not good enough. I don’t think I was exactly like this previously… this is my first real relationship of 2.5 years with true love, passion and lots of intimacy involved.
About 1.5 weeks ago (14th Jan), we were texting each other about a new movie that came out featuring our favourite actor. We were talking abt how excited we were. Although his replies were very straight to the point, I was glad that we still spoke. It was about 1am and he texted me “talk to you tomorrow”. I smiled and replied goodnight. I woke up at about 6am and saw that there was a missed call from him at 3.30am. I called back but he didn’t answer. I presumed that he must have drunk called and probably sleeping already. At about 9am, I texted him good morning and why he called last night. He read my messages but didn’t reply. I was surprised he was even awake as I know him well enough that if he drinks he usually wakes up later. My gut feeling felt abit off. I called him awhile later but he didn’t answer. I texted again asking if everything is okay, he read but no reply. I was getting stressed as I truly felt something was fishy. He usually stays with his mother and grandparents. If he were to return home in the morning after a night out, he would go to hos dad’s place. My instincts told me to look for him at his dad’s place. I went there and his dad opened the door saying he was sleeping. I was surprised that my instincts were spot on. I stood near his bed and was afraid of what to do. I knew he was gonna get mad seeing me in his house. I was looking around thinking what to do when I saw something in his bag. I went for a closer look and saw a new condom pack. One had been used. My heart sank. My gut feeling was right. He had slept with someone the night before. I was crying and he woke up. He asked me what was I doing at his house. I asked him where was he last night. He told me he does not need to answer me. I kept asking him and he brought me outside his house where we were shouting at each other and had a bad fight. I kept telling him “I know you think that I don’t have the rights to know but you promised me you were gonna use this space to work on yourself and not play around. I know you have needs and thats normal but how can you do this to me? Tell me who is it” and he finally confessed that he went to a prostitute. I didn’t know what to say or what to do. I shouted and hit him and cried and he shouted at me back but also wiped my tears and calmed me down. I left on a bad note and didn’t speak to him after that.
About 4 days ago, I discovered that he has blocked me on social media platforms. I was really shocked and cried myself to sleep that night. Woke up with extremely swollen eyes and could not even go about my day. I got in touch with one of his close friends (Person A) who said that he got annoyed when I started talking abt the relationship to his friends. I spoke about it to his closest friends whom he confides in as well in hopes of them talking to him and helping him see the importance of the relationship. According to Person A, I made things messy and that pushed him further. I explained that it was never my intention to go around talking about our relationship. I was trying to get the closest people to help him out and be there for him as well. Person A whom I consider as an older brother did not reply me after that
I guess I learnt it the hard way that my partner’s friends can never be my friends as they would still sway towards his side. Like I said, I would never tarnish his name or intentionally do things to annoy him. My partner now misunderatood that I disrespected him and thrash talking about him when that is not what I am doing. That was why he blocked me.
I really want to rectify this. I want to ask him for a meetup to clear the air but I am afraid he would not agree to it. How do I talk to him about this without triggering him? What are some words or sentences that I can use such that he would want to hear me out? Please help me out thank you
Hi Heidi, thank you so much for the detailed reply. It has brought alot of insight as to how he feels such as the baggage and thus knowingly or unknowingly to sabotage the relationship. I really hope that he uses this space wisely as well. He has blocked me on social media platforms and it hurts so much. I felt like appearing in front of him to confront him but controlling so much as it would only show that I am still very reactive. Like you said, I really want to work on myself too. I was a very calm, chill and positive person at the start of the relationship which got him really attracted to me and wanting to change for the better. I will definitely seek support for myself as it is very painful and tiring to go through this on my own. It has been a month and I am honestly trying so hard to cope. I do not want to deteriorate as I have work and studies to put my attention to whether I like it or not. I’m really seeing what I can do for myself. Is there any therapists that you would perhaps reccommend? As for the relationship, the part where you mentioned about me going after him is not love as I am not giving hin the space to heal really got into me. I’ll try my best to move away for a few weeks. However, I really love and care for him so much. Would you suggest any good time for me to check up on him if he does not contact me? Right now giving him the space already feels like a huge step I took but I’m not sure how long can I be keeping up with this as every step I take feels lost with no direction 🙁
Hi Kanya,
Thank you so much for the reply. I agree with you… giving him the space is hard as I feel lonely, anxious and paranoid if he flirts or seeks other women for pleasure. At the same time, it is very hard for me to cope on my own as I keep going to the park near his place by myself, sitting down alone and crying. It has been ongoing for the past one month, at least two days a week. I did consider seeing a counsellor or therapist but I have a hard time opening up to people whom I do not trust. However, this statement that you mentioned “You need to learn to calm the anxiety you feel when away from him, when you feel as though things are not going to work out. That is your responsibility to manage” hit me real hard. That is exactly how I feel. I will definitely explore one on one support for myself. Can I check as for the relationship, although we have broken up now, is there anything else that can be done besides giving him the space? What kind of action plan would you reccommend? Thank you
I would also like to act that about 1 week into the breakup (Dec 26), we had actually booked a hotel a few weeks back. I texted him saying if we can meet and try to ignite the spark again. He didn’t want to meet. He told me that since we both paid for the hotel room we can split the timing. He went to check in first and spent him time there. I did not tell him I was coming and appeared at the hotel. However, I needed access to go to the room. I was at the hotel lobby walking up and down. I turned around and I surprisingly saw him walking towards me. He had gone shopping nearby the hotel and was coming back. He told me “What are you doing here? I told you to let me know when you’re coming so I can leave right… I didn’t want us to meet. So how you want to leave or I can leave no worries I’ll go back home”. I was devastated and told him since we planned for this staycation can we please be normal with each other. After 15mins, he agreed. I went into the hotel room with him. 5mins later, he started hugging and kissing me like he missed me. Then he pushed me away. Then he did the same thing. He could not get his hands off me. But at the same time, he knew he wasn’t supposed to be doing that. I asked him “you know you love me then why you don’t want to work things out” he told me that he just wanted to be alone. That night, we promised each other not to speak about the issue though he kept revisiting the issue and when I responded he would remind me of the promise we made. He was tipsy that night too as he was drinking whiskey. We were talking and laughing. He was very loving towards me too. We ordered food and he fed me. He held my hand and kept saying that I am so beautiful and my smile gets him weak. At the same time, we kept cuddling and making out. I missed his touch and I was craving for it. We made love that night and it felt full of passion and desire. I could feel him wanting me. He even told me “don’t leave me stay by my side”. We then cuddled to sleep. I woke up midway to go to the toilet. When I came out of the toilet he was awake and looking for me. He then told me “It felt like you were away for long. He then hugged me so tight to sleep. The next morning, woke up early to check out as he was working that afternoon. We were still joking and laughing. When we headed back home, I felt that things were going to work out. It felt like we were a couple and no breakup happened. However, when I texted him a few hours later, the replies were like one or two words. He then did not reply me. I was shocked and confused. We then met two days later to talk and he told me that he missed me and he cannot deny that he loves me which was why he was very loving to me at the hotel. He told me that was why he did not want us to meet at the hotel that day. He told me he cannot be loving like that to me everyday as he needs to work on himself. I cried and begged again but to no avail. He kept apologising and hugging me. The next day he did not reply to my messages. So yes it has been going on like this, I try not to initiate contact but I end up doing it. I really want to work this out because what we have for each other is special. For someone like him who was a playboy in his previous relationships, he really committed himself to me to a large extent and I have seen the effort he has put in for me and the relationship. I neglected those efforts as I imposed my expectations on him like wanting to settle down. I want to recitfy things and I want us to work out. Please help
