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Hi Heidi,
I think I can shorten it a bit, I see your point.
I’ve closed the door on the anger, resentment, and grief of the abuse and I am ready to develop that with you. Help me understand what you are trying to communicate with this sentence. It seems important for you.
I guess I want him to see that right before he told me he wanted to talk. I had a breakthrough in therapy and with the recent funeral. I started to let go of the grief, anger, and resentment. I haven’t been able to get to this point and for the first time I felt a huge sigh of relief like I could and want to be intimate with him. I was excited to. Not sure if that makes sense. I’m not sure he believed me or wanted to hear it.
One of his frustrations (I can’t recall if i told you) is him thinking I have these ah-ha moments or breakthroughs in healing as soon as he wants to leave and I don’t come to these conclusions on my own. I’m sure he thinks I’m making excuses. I can see why he feels that way. If there is anything I can say to help his feelings on that I want to. The timing this time around was just so awful, but I know it needed to come to light. I finally get the phrase “healing isn’t linear”.
Yes I still I’m still wanting to explain my actions. It’s so difficult not to do when I see the mistakes that were made. Is this getting closer?
“Thinking about you so much and missing you. I wish I had been able to see how I let my struggles dominate my life again. I made many mistakes. It’s unfortunate it had to take this to happen for me to connect the dots and make sense of it all. I’m ashamed that it took a second time and that I made you feel alone and unhappy in the process. This has been a tough lesson to learn. The more time I spend away from you, the more time I am really seeing how you were there from me, but I wasn’t there for you…in many ways. I missed a lot of signs. Your needs went to the back, while my needs were on the forefront. I have had time to think objectively about everything and have a new clarity on the situation.
I really want you to know that I deeply understand your frustrations about how I haven’t been there for you, both with your house and with showing you more affection and intimacy. I can see how you tried to tell me a few different times how you were not happy and your needs were not being met. I understand why you were not happy. You really supported me through my health challenges and ALL that brought into my life. You were there for me with the multiple re-locations, doctor visits, the chores I couldn’t get done, bringing me up when I was down, cooking for me and helping me with my new diets, listening to my fears, consoling me while I shed tears, you helped me re-build my life and you were right by my side the entire way. And now this abuse thing came into the picture and totally rocked my world. It became the elephant in the room. You deserved more communication from me. You deserved more of me creating time and focus on helping support you where you needed it. I was not there for you and I am incredibly sorry for that. I didn’t take the time to check in on you and see how you were doing. I didn’t ask what YOU needed. I lost touch with reality and lost sight in our relationship. That’s not the kind of partner I want to be. I want to be a better listener. I want to support you not only through the good and bad times, but everything in between. I want to get back to the core of us. The fun-goofy-intimate us. I want to develop a healthy sexual relationship as I continue to heal. I’ve closed the door on the anger, resentment, and grief of the abuse and I am ready to develop that with you. I want you to feel like you get to exist with me and matter to me. I want you to feel appreciated, respected, cared for, and loved. There are several things I need to improve on and I really do see why you have been struggling for while. I apologize my life events got in the way again and it took me this long to see things for what they really are. I thought I understood things the last time, but I didn’t see the entire picture. I know you must be feeling worn out and tired of always supporting me. I see what you mean when you said the relationship seemed all about me. I didn’t get it at the time, but I do now. I’ve had a lot of layers to sift through and I am actively growing and challenging myself. Every day I am working to be better for myself and for you, but I also know that I will mess up along the way. It’s being able to see that, admit my mistakes, grow, and change that makes the difference in the end. I am committed to that. It breaks my heart that I had to “wake up” by loosing you. You got my attention in the only way you knew how. I know you need time but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I can’t change the past, so all I can do is move forward, learn, and become better.
I love you so much. It’s impossible for me to even articulate how much. You are my heart. You are my world. You are such an amazing person. I deeply appreciate all you have done for me and sacrificed for me and for the relationship. I hope to one day show you the same reciprocity because that is what you deserve. Thank you for your patience, tenderness, love, and teaching me these lessons. You have opened up my eyes, heart, and mind to how I can be a better friend, partner, and lover.“
Do you think asking him for forgiveness is too much pressure?
Hi Heidi,
Yes this makes sense. I appreciate you taking the time to help me in the process, it’s so helpful. This is the letter I have written. I have written 2 different versions of the first paragraph after you last reply. I am going to guess the one below is the one I should send, but will send the second one at the end. If there is anything else I should remove I definitely will.
“Thinking about you so much and missing you. There are many things I wish I had seen unfolding and happening. There are many things I wish I could change, I made many mistakes. It’s unfortunate it had to take this happening for me to connect all the dots and make sense of it all. My health and the abuse that I had to face are incredibly big events that completely consumed me. I’ve never dealt with anything to this magnitude prior to getting sick. Had these two things not been as big and life impacting maybe I could have overcome them sooner. Nonetheless here we are. The more time I spend away from you, the more time I am really seeing how you were there for me, but I wasn’t there for you…in so many ways. I missed a lot of things. Your needs went to the back, while my needs were on the forefront. I have had time to think objectively about everything and have a new clarity on the situation.
A relationship is a partnership, 50/50, a give and take. I see this was not fair for you. I really want you to know that I deeply understand your frustrations about how I haven’t been there for you, both with your house and with showing you more affection and intimacy. I can see how you tried to tell me a few different times how you were not happy and your needs were not being met. And I don’t blame you. You really supported me through my health challenges and ALL that brought into my life and now this sexual abuse thing came into the picture out of nowhere like a bulldozer that totally shattered my world. It became the elephant in the room that we didn’t talk about. I should have let you in more and shared the work I was doing, but sadly I was processing the best I could. You deserved more communication from me. You deserved more of me creating time and focus on helping support you where you needed it. I was not there for you and I am incredibly sorry for that. I didn’t take the time to check in on you and see how you were doing. I didn’t ask what YOU needed. That’s not who I am as a person and that’s not the kind of partner I want to be. I want to be a better listener. I want to support you not only through the good and bad times, but everything in between. I want to get back to the core of us. The fun-goofy-intimate us. Staying up late listening to music, laying in bed all day naked, playing with the cats, Bloomington trips, Nashville trips, Asheville trips, going to shows. I want to develop a healthy sexual relationship as I continue to heal. I’ve finally closed the door on the anger, resentment, and grief of the abuse and I am ready to develop that with you. I want you to feel like you get to exist with me and matter to me. I want you to feel appreciated, respected, cared for, and loved. There are several things I need to improve on and I really do see why you have been struggling for a while. I apologize my life events got in the way again and it took me this long to see the entire picture. I know you must be feeling worn out and tired of always supporting me. I see what you mean when you said the relationship seemed all about me. I didn’t get it at the time, but I do now. As much as I want to completely heal, I know it takes time. I’ve had a lot of layers to sift through and I am doing the very best I can and I always will. Every day I am working to be better for myself and for you, but I also know that I will mess up along the way. It’s being able to see that, admit my mistakes, grow, and change that makes the difference in the end. I am committed to that. It breaks my heart that I had to “wake up” by losing you. You got my attention in the only way you knew how. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I can’t change the past, so all I can do is move forward, learn, and become better.
I love you so much. It’s impossible for me to even articulate how much. You are an amazing person. I deeply appreciate all you have done and sacrificed for me and our the relationship. I hope to one day show you the same reciprocity because that is what you deserve. Thank you for your patience, tenderness, love, and teaching me these lessons. You have opened up my eyes, heart, and mind to how I can be a better friend, partner, and lover.”
Below is another version of the first paragraph…but I’m guessing this is what I should not say
“ Thinking about you so much and missing you. There are many things I wish I had seen unfolding and happening. There are many things I wish I could change, I made many mistakes. It’s very unfortunate it had to take this happening for me to connect all the dots and make sense of it all. It’s also unfortunate that life handed me not one but two very big curveballs. I’ve never dealt with anything to this magnitude prior to getting sick. Had these two things not been as big and life impacting maybe I could have overcome them sooner. Nonetheless here we are. The first time it was my health trauma and I was stuck in fight or flight mode. Fighting for answers, fighting to feel better, and fighting for relief. I was treading water. My life became just that and I lost touch with reality and what life is supposed to be about. While the health stuff was a huge part, I blamed everything on that. Things got better then yet another traumatic event came to light, the sexual abuse that shaped my life. Different trauma, same response. The fact is it’s not just about the health event or the abuse event, It’s about how I choose to react, respond, and then handle it. I feel embarrassed I didn’t see this sooner, but it is clear as day now. I have had time to think objectively about everything and have a new clarity on the situation.”
Hi Heidi,
Yes all this absolutely makes sense and I resonate with everything you are saying. You have made me feel more confident and secure in this time and I appreciate that very much.
I think I will wait a week at least before I make any contact to give both of us more time to process. I do plan to write a letter with the advice you provided yesterday . I want to make the letter about him. Is it inappropriate if I bring up something along the lines as the following….
(I want to express to him that I see the mistakes I made with handling my health issues, but at the time I didn’t see how those past mistakes related to the present abuse issues i am dealing with. I think I looked at them at two separate events. When in actuality there will always be curveballs in life, it’s knowing how to handle them with grace and not letting these events get the best of you. This is a big things I have learned and will continue to work on. I also would like to express how I realize how much he has done for me in my time of need and I hope In the future I can show him the same reciprocity. ) I want the letter to focus on him and don’t want to sound like I am making excuses for my actions and trying to talk him into anything or begging. So I didn’t know if I should bring up any of my “realizations” because he is probably wore out on that. I know he feels like i finally “get it” when things are over and why does it have to come to this. Which I don’t blame him for thinking that way. Or would you recommend I just stick to the letter only being about him? Appreciate the advice. Do you think it’s okay to give him the letter whenever I feel the right time is or should I wait a specific amount of time? Thanks for all the continued support.Oh goodness. I am so sorry my reply was in the wrong post. Please excuse my response above Jessica. I clicked on your post and not mine. Sending good thoughts your way.
Hi Heidi,
Yes all this absolutely makes sense and I resonate with everything you are saying. You have made me feel more confident and secure in this time and I appreciate that very much.
I think I will wait a week at least before I make any contact to give both of us more time to process. I do plan to write a letter with the advice you provided yesterday . I want to make the letter about him. Is it inappropriate if I bring up something along the lines as the following….
(I want to express to him that I see the mistakes I made with handling my health issues, but at the time I didn’t see how those past mistakes related to the present abuse issues i am dealing with. I think I looked at them at two separate events. When in actuality there will always be curveballs in life, it’s knowing how to handle them with grace and not letting these events get the best of you. This is a big things I have learned and will continue to work on. I also would like to express how I realize how much he has done for me in my time of need and I hope In the future I can show him the same reciprocity. ) I want the letter to focus on him and don’t want to sound like I am making excuses for my actions and trying to talk him into anything. So I didn’t know if I should bring up any of my “realizations” because he is probably wore out on that. I know he feels like i finally “get it” when things are over and why does it have to come to this. Which I don’t blame him for thinking that way. Or would you recommend I just stick to the letter only being about him? Appreciate the advice.Hi Heidi,
Appreciate the thoughtful reply. I understand everything you are saying and thank you for pointing out his point of view, especially with the journal. I didn’t think of it that way. I don’t depend on him solely to support me through this process. So yes, I am definitely comfortable supporting myself. I have been doing a lot of great work and have been able to let a lot go so far, but understand there is more work to be done. I plan to continue with therapy. I have also taken on another support group. Started reading a book about healing abuse. I also confided in my mother recently and she too was abused (by her father, not the same abuser as me) So this has been extremely helpful. I have ordered a book on how to me more present and show up in my relationships and for the people I love. I have many modalities I am looking into for becoming the best version of myself possible.
It is not a definite he will be gone a month in Europe, but it’s a possibility. I assume he will know in the next week or two. I have been journaling and writing mock letters to him just to get feelings out for my own sake. Yes I’m on board with the letter being all about him. It definitely should be. Thank you for making me feel like I’m not a failure. I get so down on myself that I couldn’t compartmentalize with the 2 big events in my life to be the partner he needed. I agree with you that if it hadn’t been for the health issue first or visa-versa this would be easier. I was actually reluctant to start dating him years back (even though I really wanted to) due to what I was going through and was totally honest and up front with him about my life.
Do you recommend I wait a specific amount of time before I give him the letter off. I want to give it time, but not too much time. I also want to be sure that I should not reach out via text or anything just to saying I’m thinking about him.? Is this correct? I don’t want to mess up more, so getting all these questions out now. If he does happen to text me to say hi, etc. Should I keep things light and short? How should i respond? Trying to get all my ducks in a row so I don’t fumble even more.
One last thing I didn’t mention is we have a 10day vacation planned and paid for mid-late October. Now I am sure this will not happen, but to be honest of course a small part of me hopes it can. I don’t want to push that on him or even bring it up at this time. Something to get your advice on as well incase this could be an olive branch of some kind down the road.
Hi Heidi,
Good to hear from you. Maybe I misspoke earlier. I was looking through the old photo albums and he was beside me. I saw the photo and flipped the page very quickly and I thought I had pointed my abuser out, but was also trying to keep my cool around my family. So maybe he did not realize it at the time. He did see his headstone and I pointed it out to him and told him how shocked I was to see it and I wasn’t expecting that.
I think I was scared to tell him at first because I wasn’t even sure what had happened and was still processing myself. I also think a part of me was also scared it would ruin the relationship since my health issues In the past got the best of me and was a big reason we split previously. I should be honest that he was always been super patient and very supportive of all my issues. So kind and generous.
He said he was unhappy right before I confided in him about the abuse issues (about 5-6months ago) and we had a small conversation about that. He was feeling like I wasn’t attracted to him and was feeling alone and unwanted. I shared my abuse trauma and he seemed to understand. So I gathered he was unhappy due to lack of intimacy/affection. He then said he wanted to work on it and get to the bottom of my issues and was supportive of me trying. Then it never really came up again. I think this was the big problem. I tried a few times after my therapy sessions and it seemed to make him uncomfortable or maybe he didn’t know how to react. He never mentioned it after that and so neither did I. I thought maybe he didn’t want to discuss it. I felt a lot of pressure to get past the issue quickly to save our relationship. I put that pressure on myself. He told me a few other times he wasn’t happy but once was a drunk text. He does not drink a lot nor do this. I think he was frustrated and felt comfortable speaking more when his inhibitions were down. We talked and he apologized for that and said he was just feeling insecure and weird. The few other times he mentioned something it was in reference to a text or something I said. We never sat down and spoke about it in person. Any comment he made was brief and then he swept it under the rug and things went back to normal.
Another issues he has is that he feels like I don’t help him and attend to his needs like he does mine. Specifically with his house. As I mentioned earlier we have been planning on selling his home and getting a place together. He usually stays with me and comes to my place. He needed my help more with the house stuff and I didn’t really know how stressed he was about that. He asked me once or twice but never really expressed himself to where I understood. Back when i had my health issues I had to stay at my house a lot due to his house causing me some allergen like symptoms. (It’s an old historic home) I know he feels like he has given so much to the relationship and waited on me to fix my health and abuse issues and he is tired and burnt out. Part of me wonders if he even understood the depths of the abuse. He didn’t seem to act there for me in the way he was with my health. Perhaps it’s because it made him uncomfortable or maybe he was already stretched thin. Or maybe he was waiting on me to take the lead. 6 months isn’t a long time to go through therapy and heal abuse. Maybe he doesn’t realize that either. I know he is feeling like I had a sudden breakthrough because he said he wanted to talk. I can’t express enough how that that’s not true.
We ended things with him saying he couldn’t do this right now. That he needed to get back to feeling himself. Focus on his house and music. As I mentioned he has a chance to go on tour in Europe for a month mid September. As a fill in with a band. He said he still loves me and we hugged and kissed as I left. He text me to make sure I was home and safe. I left him my journal i had kept the past 6 months while healing the abuse. This is kinda how the split happened last time too. So I’m trying not to compare and get my hopes up. I really do feel like we can work this out. We have a chance to see the mistakes and we can be even better. In my heart I don’t feel like this is the end. This was Saturday and we have not spoken since then when he text asking if i made it home safe. The last split we broke up and the saw each other a few weeks later and were intimate. He said he still needed space for his feelings but was looking for attention and affection from me. Again trying not to compare situations.
Not sure what to do now. I don’t want to invade his space and want to be respectful and not look desperate. I want to work things out. Do I write him a letter or give it more time? If i do what do i want to avoid saying in the letter. Do I try to contact him or wait?
Update from above message. He text a little bit in the days leading up to our talk in person. Simple have a good day, etc. he sent me text late Friday evening “hope your night is going well. The Saturday i went to his house. We had a snack and caught up a little and then watched a movie…his idea. Then we had the talk after that. He said he didn’t think he could do this anymore at this time. That he is feeling stretched thin and used up. He needs to focus on himself for a little bit and attend to his house and his music. He has been slowly working on getting his house in order to sell and we have had plans of getting a home together. I held my composure very well. I wanted to make a safe space for him so we could have a calm adult conversation.
I explained that I had time to think and look at this from his point of view. I didn’t blame him for feeling this way and understood his feelings. I admitted that I didn’t take the time to address his needs while he has been there for me this whole time. I explained the abuse trauma that I had been going through in more detail. Told him that it became the elephant in the room because we never discussed it. I made sure to tell him that I understood him feeling hesitant about my “breakthrough” I told him i have stopped being angry, holding resentment, and asking why me. That i was ready to not let my abusers take anymore power away from me. I was ready to be intimate with him and work on the fun part of healing with him. I wasn’t saying I am magically fixed, but that the heavy weight i had been carrying is gone. I feel confident that is behind me. We discussed our communication. I told him if this was to work out we needed better communication. I told him I didn’t realize how he had been feeling the past 6 months. He seemed a little surprised & said he told me a few times. Then I explained that we never had a open honest conversation about it and that it was brought up but never actually addressed and swept under the rug and he acted like everything was fine. One of the things he needed from me was my help from time to time and help with his house. We live in separate homes and he typically comes to me. He was feeling very stressed and like all his free time was dedicated to me and his own home/life went by the way side. Again he had made comments of this in the past, I didn’t realize exactly where he was on feeling this way. I apologized and told him I would have been happy to help him out, that I need more direct communication on that front. I didn’t know he was truly feeling this way.
He said he still loved me but he is just feeling burnt out. He wants to get back to feeling himself and get some things done with the house. He is a musician as well. He may have an exciting opportunity to travel with a band for a month in Europe. I was extremely excited for him and am in full support. Things ended on a sad but decent note. I made sure to let him know how much I appreciate everything he has done for me and I explained how I felt about him. That I see the mistakes that were made and I feel confident we could work in them. We hugged each other and kissed a few times. He text me later to make sure i got home okay.
I don’t know if this was a mistake but I brought my journal with me. This journal went back to march of this year when I started journaling my feelings going through the abuse healing/therapy. I brought it incase I couldn’t articulate that part with him. I decided to give it to him as I left. I told him he didn’t have to read it if it made him uncomfortable. That i had been wanting to share this with him, but never did. That maybe reading about it instead of hearing it direct from me may be easier for him and make him feel less awkward in the moment. Hoping it can give him some clarity on the situation.
I am extremely devastated and heartbroken. Deep in my heart I don’t think we are done. Which is the same feeling I had when we split last time. I am trying not to beat myself up but I cannot believe I made some of the same mistakes and let what I was going through get in the way.
I think communication was the biggest issue. I really feel like we still have a chance and all this can be the groundwork for an even better relationship. I just need help on knowing what to do next.Hi Heidi,
I didn’t realize I could continue a left over conversation that we had a year a half ago! So hoping you vaguely remember my story and can thumb back through our previous convo. I will try to summarize for you. The books and your advice helped me get back my relationship when it fell off track the first time, hoping it will help again as we have had a similar situation happen.
Been in a relationship for 4.5 years overall. We had a 6-8week slpit 1.5yrs ago which you helped me with. Now having similar issues. Last split was due to a few things. I didn’t know he was unhappy & wasn’t getting attention/affection from me that he deserved. He met me in the midst of traumatic health condition (which is better now) but I dealt with a lot of ptsd. Which ran into our relationship and I unknowingly shut him out & let me illness run my life and takeover. He wasn’t the best communicator with his feelings and I didn’t see the issues until right before we split and then told me more in detail after the split. So I worked on myself and overcame my ptsd and illness issues. I’ve been in therapy still.
Things were great the first year we got back together then some new trauma came up in therapy. As well as some intimacy issues on my part. I uncovered some intimacy issues I have had my whole life and never realized the cause. I was sexually abused by a family member when I was very young. Followed by a few other traumatic sexual events in my early teens/young adult years. I didn’t tell him at first because I was scared. Then he started to get frustrated with lack of intimacy and thought I wasn’t attracted to him, etc. So I told him the situation and he was supportive. Fast forward 6 months and he is fed up. I think the big problem is we didn’t talk about it much after that. I tried to let him in on the happenings with my therapy sessions, but I felt like he was uncomfortable hearing it. I should have clued him into my therapy seasions, how i was feeling, asking how he was feeling, but I didn’t. It was a very difficult process for me & i think i went into disassociated mode. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own body while working this out. I now know that i built up walls and didn’t show him attention and affection in non sexual ways. He has made small hints he was unhappy a few times in the past few months, but it was a specific situation. Like I didn’t like that you said “xyz” on that text. He never sat me down and had a heart to heart with how alone he has been feeling.
I made a breakthrough with my healing and feel like I’m ready to close the chapter on the anger, resentment, and thinking the abuse was my fault. Like I am ready to be intimate with him and start the process on rebuilding and rediscovering my own body with him. Some events happened this past weekend that led to me feeling able to let it go. The abuser was my great-grabdfather. A family member died this past weekend. My partner was there with me being supportive. I saw my abusers grave and headstone and was not expecting that. Then we had a family gathering after. Looking through photo albums, I saw many photos of my abuser and me on his lap, which was shocking and difficult. Took me a few days to process then sat down and wrote my deceased abuser a letter and I felt so much relief. Like a weight was lifted and I am ready to be me again. Not going to let him hold me back any longer. Was so excited to tell my partner how I was feeling. Before I could tell my partner he sent me a text “we need to talk”. He said he’s felt alone for a long time and 6 months ago he would have been mine forever if I would have snapped back into the relationship. But things have changed and he is feeling used up. We exchanged a few long back and forth texts. I told him my about breakthrough and he felt like I was only saying that because of how he is now feeling. Which is fair for him to think but not true. He thinks because he is ready to be done that’s why I want to change. Again, not true. We are meeting to talk on Saturday and I am an anxious mess. He gave me a second chance 1.5yr ago. Is he going to give me a third. I have no more baggage to address and I finally feel like we can have it all. This is such a rough situation. We also have a vacation planned and paid for mid- October.Hi,
Yes everything you said makes sense. We meet up yesterday evening. He text a little bit in the days leading up to that. Simple have a good day, etc. he sent me text late Friday evening
“hope your night is going well.”
Yesterday i went to his house. We had a snack and caught up a little and then watched a movie…his idea. Then we had the talk after that. He said he didn’t think he could do this anymore at this time. That he is feeling stretched thin. He needs to focus on himself for a little bit and attend to his house and his music. I held my composure pretty well. I wanted to make a safe space to have a calm adult conversation.I explained that I had time to think and look at this from his point of view. I didn’t blame him for feelings this way and understood. I admitted that I didn’t take the time to address his needs while he has been there for me. I explained the abuse trauma that I had been going through in more detail. Told him that it became the elephant in the room because we never discussed it. I made sure to tell him that I understood he feeling hesitant about my “breakthrough” I told him i have stopped being angry, holding resentment, and asking why me. That i was ready to not let my abusers take anymore power away from me. I was ready to be intimate with him and work on the fun part of healing with him. I wasn’t saying I am magically fixed, but that the heavy weight i had been carrying is gone. I feel confident that is behind me. We discussed our communication. I told him if this was to work out we needed better communication. I told him I didn’t realize how he had been feeling the past 6 months. He did say he told me a few times. Then I explained that we never had a open honest conversation about it and that it was brought up but never actually addressed and swept under the rug. One of the things he needed from me was my help from time to time. We live in separate homes and he typically comes to me. He was feeling very stressed and like all his free time was dedicated to me and his own home/life went by the way side. Again he had made comments of this in the past, I didn’t realize exactly where he was on this. I apologized and told him I would have been happy to help him out, I didn’t know he was truly feeling this way. He said he still loved me but he is just feeling burnt out. He wants to get back to feeling himself and get some things done with the house. He is a musician as well. He may have an exciting opportunity to travel with a band for a month in Europe. I was extremely excited for him and am in full support. Things ended on a sad but good note. I made sure to let him know how much I appreciate everything he has done for me and I explained how I felt about him. That I see the mistakes that were made and I feel confident we could work in them. We hugged each other and kissed a few times. He text me later to make sure i got home okay.
I don’t know if this was a mistake but I brought my journal with me. This journal went back to march of this year when I started journaling my feelings going through the abuse healing/therapy. I brought it incase I couldn’t articulate that part with him. I decided to give it to him as I left. I told him he didn’t have to read it if it made him uncomfortable. That i had been wanting to share this with him, but never did. That maybe reading about it instead of hearing it direct from me may be easier for him and make him feel less awkward in the moment.
I am feeling incredibly sad. I really do feel like there is hope. I know we split once before already. I feel like we both realize the issues at hand. He is definitely someone who takes time to process stuff.
Any advice on what I should do next? I very much want the relationship to continue.
Hello,
The first 1-2 years of our relationship was magical. No issues at all. He was kind, patient, caring, and attentive to me throughout all my health struggles. As i got better I was still living in the sick person mindset because I had been sick for about 8 years. I was carrying a lot of anger and sadness and ptsd about how my health robbed the best years of my life. How I was not able to live a normal lifestyle, etc. Our sex life started off intense, passionate, and wonderful. It slowed down a little after 1 year or year and half and was very slow 2. I didn’t have much of a sex drive and was confused and blamed my health condition and trauma. Little did I know about the sexual abuse trauma at that time.
After we parted for 6-8 weeks and right before we got back together (about year 3 at this point) he explained his issues and we discussed mine (his lack of communication on his feelings) and got on the same page. He primarily was unhappy due to lack of attention & affection. My head was in the sand with all my health stuff. He knows he’s a poor communicator, but only when it comes to how he is feeling if it’s unhappiness with us. He communicates great in every other way. He got a little better when we got back together on year 3. I would check in now and then to make sure both of us were happy in the relationship. Year 3 was amazing. I did a lot of personal work with healing and growing from my health trauma. Our sex life was back in full force. Then after about 9 months my sex drive fizzled again. I was so confused and frustrated because i wanted to be with him in this way. I was still in therapy and then I realized my sexual patterns in all my relationships. Hot and heavy in the beginning and then after a year or so I didn’t want to anymore. Almost never. I didn’t care about it. I dug deep and got to the bottom of it. Uncovered the sexual abuse by my great grandfather with a very vivid memory. My first 2 sexual experience as a young adult were not totally consensual. So my patters seem to be do what guys want to like you. Then when I feel safe naturally I can be me and don’t want it anymore. This was instilled in me at a young age. I kept it from my partner for a month or two because I wasn’t sure how to tell him. I knew he was frustrated and feeling like I was not attracted to him anymore. He made a few comments about our sex life and his unhappiness and confusion. So I knew I had to confide in him. It was difficult but we talked it out. He seemed caught of guard and didn’t really know how to respond. Which is normal for him. He is definitely a critical thinker and needs time to process. A few days later he told me he wanted to work on it and was in support of me working through it. So then I put all this pressure on myself to heal fast because I didn’t want to loose him. Well that was the worst mindset and it set me back for sure. I tried to include him in after my therapy sessions and talk to him about them, but he seemed a little uncomfortable. I could have read it wrong. It made me feel vulnerable and then I didn’t share much more after that. So it was the elephant in the room after that. He never really asked me about it or my progress after that. So then I didn’t share much more. I’m not sure what happened 6 months ago but my guess it all the above. I started digging deeper the past 3-6 months. So I know I built up walls and I didn’t want to have intimacy of any kind. I’m sure I came across stand-off-ish. We also got stuck in the same routine and didn’t go out much. So I see multiple mistakes that we made. He mentioned being unhappy a few times, but when I went to discuss it he brushed it off or just said it was because of something I did that was small. For instance how a text message made him feel and we discussed that. Or he wants me to stay at his house more and come to him. He never really elaborated much more than that. Nor did we have a full on conversation. He has mentioned in the past our relationship is more about me than him. I know it’s because of my health issues and I thought we had got past that and I was very attentive to his needs when we got back together but that fizzled as I started dealing with the sexual trauma.
I think our love and commitment to each other is what has made our relationship last. We had been making plans of buying a home together and making life plans. I think he feels like this is a repeat of our prior issues. Which it is in a way but different trauma. Funny thing is I finally made a huge breakthrough and feel ready to move on and be my whole self again. I think he is thinking I’m just saying that because he wanted to have “a talk” but thats not the case. The events that I discussed earlier with the funeral and closing that chapter. I have been journaling, reading, and doing therapy but I didn’t include him in that as I said earlier due to his reaction. So I can see why he is feeling that way. I love him for many reasons. He is the whole package. Really everything I want and have been looking for in a partner. He is fun, easy going, honorable, trusting, hard worker, great sense of humor, loving, caring, would do anything for anyone. I could go on and on. His only flaw is that communication issue. We are having a talk on Saturday. He have not had a fave to face on this yet. Only text.I really want to do and say the right things Saturday. All the advice that was given to me prior helped get us back on track. I still think we have a chance. We’ve been through so much already. Things were going so well and life threw another gutter-ball at me. I do see the problems we both made and how we got here. More of those problems are on my behalf. I just need help knowing how to handle this talk and how to act. How to get him to continue his trust in me and the relationship. I’m hoping we can talk through this on Saturday and agree to work on things. So scared he will leave again, but for good.
