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Hi Heidi,
I definitely hear what you are saying. I shouldn’t be taking responsibility for helping him communicate, he is a grown man and should be able to do that himself. I am trying to give myself grace and allow myself to feel my feelings and not feel bad for feeling this way. You’re coach reached out and she is recovering from a knee surgery and said she will get back to clients in a few weeks and will reach out at that time.
I got a text from him last night around midnight “Hey, hope you’re doing well”. I’m trying hard not to read too much into this. I assume he texted because he is either feeling guilty, missing me, or perhaps he isn’t talking to this other women anymore. Or possibly a mixture of more than one of those. I haven’t responded yet. Not sure I should. He knows how I feel, where I stand, how committed I am, and all the work I am doing. My therapist said there is nothing more I can do. That I have put myself out there and if he wants things to be different or work through this it’s up to him to vocalize that and communicate with me. Thoughts on me responding?Hi Heidi,
Yes that does make more sense when you explain it that way. He is such a “nice guy” it’s hard for him to have confrontation. So his small clues and comments to me where his way of communicating. I still blame myself for not taking the lead to have that difficult conversation, knowing how he is I feel like I should have known better and taken the lead. If I would have asked him to discuss it more I’m sure we would have. I just don’t think I was in the proper mindeser to do that as I was working through the abuse and figuring out my own feelings. I know I shouldn’t be taking that blame but it’s hard not to. It’s hard not to feel like damaged goods because of my baggage and struggles. I am starting to see him faults on communication. He has a way of glossing everything over like everything is fine while he is sometimes hurting inside and unhappy.
I recently found out he is already talking to another woman. Which is hard to handle and honestly shocking. She does not seem like his typical type AT ALL. She has 2 teenage kids and seems a but older. I don’t think it’s that serious but I’m shocked he moved on so quickly and here I am stuck and still grieving. Maybe this is a rebound, maybe it’s not. We were together nearly 5 years. Seems so fast to jump into something else.
I will watch for your email with her info! I have not seen anything yet. I’m hopeful she can move me past this and open a new chapter for me. I’m ao exhausted feeling sad.
Hi Heidi,
I am definitely open to working with your coach. I have not worked with my tapping couch in about a month, so that’s not w worry. The sessions got very expensive so I had to space them our farther. I am also open to only working with her if it’s a good fit. I’ve felt for awhile now that I needed more out of therapy that I haven’t been getting. I really want to work past this and will do whatever it takes. I absolutely hate feeling this way. I would love her info.
His needs were not being met and he felt alone in the relationship and like everything was about me. Which is simply not true but I understand why he felt that way since the health and abuse took up a large focus. I guess I’ve always thought part of a relationship is making the other person happy and meeting his/her needs. Is this not true? Isn’t part of a relationship making your partner happy? I hear what your saying about his happiness not being solely up to me to fulfill, part of that needs to come from himself. Can you help me understand this a little more? Hoping it can help if I gain more understanding.Hi Heidi,
Appreciate the thoughtful response. I guess I never thought about how his behavior was co-dependent. I have been putting all the blame on myself. When we first started dating I was actually hesitant because I knew I wasn’t in a good place physically. I was just diagnosed and was in the midst if rebuilding my life. I was very honest and upfront with him and it didn’t seem to deter him because our connection was so strong. I built my new “sick” life with him. He was so caring and understanding. I have put a lot of blame on myself because the first 1-2 years I was on my best behavior so to speak. I tried so hard not to let my illness interfere but as I fell more in love the more comfortable I felt and I let my guard down. I know he got the brunt end of my pain and frustrations. I know I didn’t show him proper affection as I did in the beginning. Which was confusing for him. I keep telling myself if I would’ve just been able to control my emotions and grief more I wouldn’t be in the situation now. I’m sad and angry that my illness and abuse have stolen so much from me. He tried to communicate his feeling to me in small ways, but you are right. He did not communicate openly and honest with me in an adult way. Once I told him about the abuse 6-8 months ago, I think he was already one foot out the door. Due to dealing with the health stuff for so long. I do think you’re right in that he held resentment for how much he put into the relationship and felt I didn’t reciprocate the same level. I’m still finding it hard to not blame myself. I’m still so in love with him. I’ve never grieved like this after a breakup. It’s hard to picture a future without him in it. I know that’s not what I should be thinking but it’s how I feel.
As far as therapy goes, I am in talk therapy. It’s helpful to a degree but I don’t feel I’m pushed much. It’s more like talking to a friend who listens. She has been helpful in my life but I feel I need more in this specific situation. I was doing tapping for the abuse and breakup which was really helpful. We reframed my memories of the abuse and that has been groundbreaking. I recently started seeing a sex therapist to work more in the abuse and how to have a healthy sex life. I just feel so stuck and sad and have a lot if regrets.
Hi Heidi,
Not sure if you remember all of my story since it’s been a few months but I’m having a real difficult time moving on. I’m trying to do all the self help things but nothing seems to be working. I am still blaming myself a lot. I know it wasn’t all my fault, but because I had the chronic health issues and was dealing with sexual abuse I take more of the blame. I pushed him away and didn’t show him the love and affection he needed because I was dealing with so much. I didn’t see it at the time, but now it’s so clear. All of this is my biggest regret. We were planning our lives together. Buying and home and discussing marriage. I’ve never had a relationship like this before and never had anyone love me the way he did. I’m still in a state of shock. So I think that’s why it makes this all the more difficult. I am in therapy but I really feel like I need more help. Do you have any recommendations for me?
There is definitely a progression in in the journal and the theme is me growing throughout it. The last part of the journal talks about how I have begun to let go of a lot of the anger, grief, and resentment of the abuse and how I will not let my abusers take more power away from me. The very end spoke about how I felt ready to be truly intimate with him again and was excited to work on that part. I guess I feel that it shows huge growth…but you think this could be damaging still?
Hi Heidi,
I didn’t take his response like a super negative one. I guess i took it as he is really hurting from the breakup and emotional, that he still loves me deeply, he left because things needed to change and he didn’t know what else to do at the time, and that he needed some time to himself to figure things out. I didn’t provide you his full response, I summarized it the best i could.
My mother and few friends you read who are close to us seemed to think there was still hope and that he is just still wanting some time to himself to process his feelings, but you seemed to take it the opposite way. So I guess I’m a little confused now.
On the journal I’m not sure. I think it could help give him insight as to where I was the past 6-8 months of our relationship. Since the abuse became the elephant in the room and we didn’t discuss it. I did tell him in my response that it was fine to keep it for a little bit longer already. He knows I am doing new things to continue to heal my issues. You really think it could be damaging for him to read it??I’m pretty open to any and all avenues of healing. Ptsd of chronic illness and sexual abuse trauma just really did a number on me the past few years and our relationship. I’m ready to be the best version of myself as I can. I do feel like I’m starting to see the light at the end of my trauma tunnel which is exciting
Hi Heidi,
Thank you for the reply and helping me see another side if things. You’ve been just as helpful as my therapist! I have not reached out and taken your advice. He did send me a message yesterday. I will summarize the main points below.
“It’s been a long few weeks. I haven’t read your journal yet, and for the same reason, hadn’t read your letter until tonight. I’m emotional, tired, and needed to pull myself out from the hole I felt we were in. I’ve read your letter and I appreciate your explanation and apology. I just can’t keep doing the same thing forever and expect a different result. We’ve gone through this once before. I love you from the bottoms and tops of my heart. But I’m not healed yet and I’m not myself. I will read your journal when I can handle it. I need time and I haven’t had it. My life is busier than it’s ever been and I need to dive into that. Do me first. I hope you understand where I’m coming from. I hope you have a good night and I’m sorry I’ve not reached before now. But like I said, I just need some time.”
I pretty much had a feeling he was having just as hard of a time as I have been. He was married before and his ex-wife cheated on him, lied to him, belittled him. He’s dated other women prior to our relationship but nothing as long lasting as ours. So I’m sure he is going through his own stuff right now too. I responded to his message with a short reply. Told him I hoped he started to feel more like himself soon. That I am here if there is anything he needed and I understood and respected he needs time. Very briefly told him I am working with a new counselor and therapy on the abuse and am committed to moving past it and working on myself. That i loved him deeply. Didn’t make it too long or too short but that. I have been continuing to work on myself as much as possible. Tapping has been helpful and we did some visualization techniques about my abuse and are changing the pictures in my head. So things are going well with my new practitioner. For now it seems I’m in a waiting game, which I understand and am okay with. Anything else you think could help my situation?
So if I choose to not give up and just throw in the towel is that considered chasing him? I don’t feel I’ve done anything that shows erratic behavior or desperation. At least I hope not! He told me he still loved me when we split. I think he is just confused….like he was that last time we split when my life struggles got in the way and consumed me.
Hi Heidi,
I do see your point and thanks for touching on that. I know he is a big processor and takes a lot of time with his thoughts and feelings. I guess part of the reason I want to reach out is to make sure he did in fact get the letter. His mailbox was very full and I was a little worried leaving it in there that it may get lost in the mess. I don’t really feel like I’m chasing after him necessarily. We’ve been together for 4.5 years and were planning our future together. Me bettering myself ,believing in us, and fighting for our relationship after my health challenges helped us get things back on track after the first split. I know I will be okay and survive without him. I don’t feel like I should just give up in general. I love him and believe in our relationship and truly don’t think our story is over. I will admit that initially it was probably trauma and fear of loosing him. I don’t think that’s where I am currently at. I love this man and want things to work, but am okay waiting to see how he responds. It just gets confusing when to reach out and when to sit back after reading the materials in this forum.
Hi Heidi,
Well while I was trying to honor, validate, and appreciate him in the letter I was/am hoping for a response. I think it would hurt a lot if he didn’t respond or even let me know he got it. Maybe I’m reading too much into it.
Ive been continuing to work on my trauma. I’m dedicated to get past it. I’ve gotten a EFT Tapping, emotional/body code practitioner I am working with on a weekly basis. Along with my other therapy. Reading the emotion code book and realizing how I’ve let me trauma run my life.
Is it ok to reach out to him after a week or so. Or should I check back in with you first. 2 weeks yesterday since the split and no contact so far.
Hi Heidi,
I dropped the letter off in his mailbox this weekend. I have not heard from him yet though I’m not sure when he got it or if he has read it yet. I was hoping to have heard something from him, even if it was just a Thank you. I got your letter”. Any words of encouragement or advice on what to do next? Or am I just in a waiting game?
You’re right Heidi. Thank you for pointing this out. It makes sense.
I will definitely look into the provided links.Any thoughts on waiting a specific amount of time before contact. It’s been 1 week of no contact so far. I think some of the reading and tips have made me scared to contact too soon. Some advice says 25 days, but I know every situation is different. Any advice on that front?
Thanks for the advice Heidi.
I’m trying to be okay. The past week has been really terrible. I’m battling a lot of anxiety and have lost weight. So I’m trying to shift my mindset and focus on myself. Trying to get back to mindfulness techniques I have used in the past and find gratitude in each day. I beat myself up for not seeing the signs and doing the same thing again..letting my misfortunes control & consume me. I know I shouldn’t but I put a lot of blame on myself. Trying to work through it the best I can. My holistic dr recommend I trying eft tapping to help with my current situations since it’s disrupting my life. So I think she has someone to help me with this.
I think I have the letter pretty much down I just don’t know when I should drop it off. I almost sent a text to him yesterday (since it’s been a week) to just to say I hope his week went well and that his kitchen door remodel went well…but I didn’t. I’ve read different advice on a strict “no contact” rule for 25 days. I know every situation is different. I just don’t want to give him the letter too soon to where we may not mentally be able to reciprocate it. Or don’t want to wait too long to contact if he is waiting on me.
