[Lili]

Heidi, I’ve given this a lot of thought..

1. He comes from a typical Irish Catholic family working class background, never met them but I do know his father was strict about him going to school and I believe his mother is very sweet without really knowing, they are elderly now. His siblings he has described as dysfunctional and his brother is also overweight as he is, it’s something he is clearly unhappy with. He can eat waste amounts as in chocking and be very stressed out about his work I’m sure. But it seems like, he is the only one that kinda of made it in his family. I can’t understand though why and from what this deep disrespect to women comes from, other than getting used to escorts I presume, not having to put in effort to describe things in short…

2. Easy, I lost my mother at a very young age and my father was busy at work, very strict and prone to anger. I would step on egg shells as a kid not to anger him at times. Tough childhood. So he is familiar, I’ve spent my whole life trying to avoid people like my father… this guy came very unexpectedly to have similarities with him and unfortunately, I fell very hard for him before realizing it. I would,presume I have deeper abandonment issues than him in short..

3. At new year, as I thought he might very well have replaced me, I was completely fine with becoming friends, that’s when he went completely silent and I sought your advice.. so I think we are both walking on egg shells now, both afraid of loosing the other somehow. And I think the biggest issue is, I have too strong feelings for him and although I know it can’t work, my heart keeps wanting it to.. becoming friends is in a way about not loosing him.

4. About this upcoming trip, I’ve asked 3 times now why he is going so far, I’ve gotten 3 different answers.. how to go about this? He is simply not being honest for some reason…

[Lili]

Interesting Heidi.. you know he did talk about his past in the very beginning, in hindsight I wish I had listened more closely! You are right, he has said he has been deeply hurt, I’m not sure if that referred to women and love but business wise, although it is very very evident, he is constantly in fear of making a mistake and loosing me. He is very aware women leaving him and when these hiccups have happened, he has retracted in “we need to take things slowly” and “I am in this for the long run.” He is selling his business in a couple of years and could be he doesn’t want to be too distracted in the meantime, I get that feeling from him. In a way, it does seem he consciously is trying really hard, I mean he has cleaned up his act on social media etc, but you are very insightful Heidi, it still manifests and I am smart enough to notice. He is even going on a trip which doesn’t include me next week and I’m wary to ask for details. I will also say, it was no fairytale those 2 weeks, yes a mind-blowing connection, but also flipping through his phone and girls constantly. I thought leaving the US, this man is so wild, so not broken-in and I wasn’t sure I wanted the job because in a way, its kinda of brilliant like it is. I can’t explain. There is however a deep rooted loneliness in him, a desire to make it work and to be honest, he is trying but the mountain is steep. He has great respect for me, paraded me in front of most inner circle, so theres a fight within him I’m sure. He is this arrogant and then deeply insecure man when it comes to women. These are the things he said:

– On marriage-like relationships in past, 2 of them producing now grown children: “it hindered my progress business wise”
– I have hurt many many people because I just didn’t care and did whatever I wanted (stay out all night, substance abuse etc) “I didn’t want to hurt the people I loved”
– He has said at his workplace, “once upon a time, I had a girl in every corner who didn’t know of the other”
– His ex now working for him and seems to be around a lot: “I still care about her”, “she is boring”
– On Me: If I get you, “I win”, “you have all the qualities I like and enough woman in many ways for me”
– In the beginning when triggered by him about other women, when I reacted, he found me to be “disrespectful to him”
– He would openly in front of me, show interest to other women like a dog in heat, I got so angry I just exploded. This lead him coming after me, extremely afraid to loose me.
– “I have many friends in my business, you will get used to it.” Female ones no doubt, he is not being intimate but somehow thinks he can combine with a relationship.
– He likes to be in control, I said early on, “I’m not your employee.” I think he admires but also loathes tath he cannot control me.
– On me coming back, the first months, he planned for it, wanted it badly, moved out a guy from his place to put me there, in December, he seems to want to push to after a big job project. He works really hard and probably knows he is not attentive enough.
– Every time things are good between us, he seems to loose interest or ruin it and then regret doing that and quickly try to fix it.

So I have a few questions:

1. His fear of intimacy and idolising having many girlfriends as was popular in 80-90s, does it have to be a traumatic love experience? Can’t it be simple arrogant, immature, male desire?

2. I have fallen deeply for him but also, seen the issues, I have been pushed away but at a same time struggle to just let go. I would like to keep him in my life as a friend, but he does not seem to want that, he wants more why? He has ample to chose from, much younger.

3. How can I go about this to have a form of close relationship and ultimately I think we would work very well together business wise and I’d be open to that. Similar to the ex, it seems to be the only way to have some kind of healthy relationship with him as anything else, I believe is impossible and I will end up pouring in energy that then will just be time wasted.. I want to avoid that.

[Lili]

Thanks Heidi and great question, ok yes he has, every day he has invested in me up until the crash new year. And now we are again up and running daily with calls added a few times a week. The two times we had a conflict prior to that, were also regarding other women. How do I find out? Since he has a public persona, all the 3 instances, he shows up with girls at restaurants and one time outside his home on social media. All these instances lead to a fight between us. These girls are at least 20 to 30 years younger than him. I do believe him he is not being intimate but he enjoys being seen with them I presume. The 2nd time he actually said that his last girlfriend questioned this behavior as well, although he sees it as harmless. Do I think he would do it when I am there, possibly but unlikely as he will tell me I am more attractive than these girls and I can see that myself. They are just young, he will even refer to them as flesh and to impress investors and employees. He will say, I fulfill that for him, so there is this need to be admired. It seems to have manifested itself early on when he chose his profession as a young man. Do I see red flags? Of course and it has driven us apart, he has pushed me away but also it would be easier if I was there. Being overseas, it makes me wonder whether my jealousy is misplaced at this point? If he indeed is a narcissist and a avoidant as you have suggested I will te,k you this, I am no doubt his favorite supply difficult to replace. The latter he has said to me many times when I’ve feared that these girls I’ve seen him with, have meant that he has moved on, it that has never happened…

[Lili]

Heidi, I would agree I think what I’m battling with is that I have spent such little time with him after being separated because of the pandemic overseas, so I’m really dealing with long distance with a person I have not yet built a foundation with. This is something he himself will say and that he isn’t being with other women but he is a workaholic. He has also mentioned he has deep trust issues. It’s hard for me to diagnose him, also my questions on when and how a relationships goes from dating several to being exclusive, stems from me being European and him American. I don’t understand fully how this dating thing even works, as it’s very rare in Europe to see several at the same time but very common in America’s metropolitan cities. So they are genuine questions regardless of him, how and when to ask about other potential interests/dates. He comes from a family of 3 kids, his parents are still married. How about I turn the questions around, if he was a genuine guy looking for a genuine relationship, me leaving going overseas 3 months counting, what would be expected and “normal” to expect from him? Would a man automatically stop meeting/dating other women, not knowing if I would return to him? What are “normal expectations” in a situation like this, keeping in mind we only have 2 weeks prior together before time apart..? He has said he is meeting people /females as in friends but not dating them, whatever that means.

[Lili]

Thanks Kanya,

I’ve been waiting for Heidi’s take on this?

Thanks

[Lili]

Well it all depends on whether it will last that way, he is after all nearing 60, a fact I know bothers him. How about my other thoughts on this?

[Lili]

Thanks Heidi, I get what you are saying and as hard as this maybe to do, it can be worth a try as it seems to becexactly what his ex is doing. My fear is that this ex is not that much of an ex and the true hinder for him to truly commit to someone else, as she lets him do whatever he wants without questioning. I remember discovering about her when meeting her not knowingly at his workplace and it turned out she is working for him. He also said that she had seen me, found me attractive, but that “she didn’t come after him for it” with a big content smile. All this made me think why would she be coming after him about it, unless she actually isn’t in an active relationship with him of sorts. Would you agree on that?

Of course I want to have my eyes open, not fall too hard and also not put myself at risk for diseases also, I mean at what point and how really does one inquire for honesty about how many others, he is physically active with. Apparently the ex is not enough and how do I even fit in although he likes to stress he isn’t being physically active. I can go along with your suggestion but at what point does this tilt so that questions can be asked? Should I also refrain from indirectly criticizing what she does in his life or can such indirect communication be effective to open his eyes?

I mean he will talk poorly about his ex and other women if I ask about them too.. and at one point said, “being too honest will just create anxiety”. Going into this, I remember saying that he is a player and will never commit, and he actually got a bit annoyed and said “stop trying to convince me of that, I might change my mind.” Perhaps he is simply shopping for the best and I guess in that perspective, I’m trying to be the choice I presume.

[Lili]

Well firstly trip has been pushed forward to mid February, also he did get very close to me quickly and didn’t pull away at all until I had to leave because of the pandemic but yes, when I return it will be in a city where we both are. He did not shun closeness, wanted me to return to his home and to built a “foundation with me” he said however when I confront him about his ex or women around him, I get these reactions. He is very open to sharing stories about his past with me but will keep secrets. As in he has said “that’s all you need to know for now” combined with “I’m a workaholic, I’ve hurt many people that I care for in the past and I don’t want to do that, I just didn’t care”. He was deeply into cocaine in the 90s and came to loose what he had built business wise, which he is now rebuilding. He is comp,eyelet sober, won’t touch a drop of alcohol and I feel can be quite angry and frustrated. He is hence extremely focused on rebuilding his life and he will say he suffers from loneliness and seeks a girlfriend. He has 3 grown children by 2 different women as well as the ex who remain in his life, he has managed to live with her with one break 16 years. He does seem capable of relationships yet as you say, he has many “friends”. What do you suggest to win his trust and get closer to him? This pandemic and the distance between us quite frankly, is the one thing keeping us apart and has made us loose a very special connection we had from start..

[Lili]

Thanks Heidi,

The communication is up and running again without any mentioning of what happened. We’ve also talked over the phone and it seems also he is not pursuing the new year girl. He is very happy talking to me, not having lost me and I am important to him even though somehow, he is so sure everyone leaves him in the end. He has low self esteem and will say he is a workaholic. We remain apart me being overseas going on 3 months now, so meeting currently is not an option. I’m wondering how to breech the subject to set boundaries as he is an avoidant. Going silent is extremely damaging for both and I don’t want to happen again?

Moreover how does one get a man like this to show vulnerability to get closer, he has so so many secrets. For one I would ofc want to know how many he is initimate with, if any? In short, how do I get to a position of getting the truth out of him and, preferably an exclusive relationship? He also has an ex of 20 years very close to him, working for him, following him traveling, it seems to be daily, she seems to be staying with him and leaves her cat with him. He doesn’t want her, says he doesn’t want to give her false hope but she does him, and she has convinced him to take her back in the past for another 8 years living together until he broke up with her again. He had no such feelings for her he says. He calls her his friend and trusts her completely it seems. She has her own apartment but it’s all very odd and feeds into this fear of commitment yet needing he has. I have trouble reading everything, some insight would be helpful.

[Lili]

That would have been preferred, the pressing issue was the trip next week, you cannot just sit still then, you need to know. Also the friend, I thought optimal would have been to just find out why he went quiete so I could progress accordingly but instead he talked me into posting the trip post. I felt deep anxiety posting it but I guess his friend was right, he responded very quickly. However what now? He has not followed up after my response yet, what do I do next? I need to get him corresponding, that’s my main goal here right now

(as I mentioned I have my specific reason for pursuing this, that’s not the issue I do understand the implications, and I’m fine with dating others, just as long as it’s honest both ways about it)

[Author]

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