Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Heidi I will be seeing him after the trip, he will not be joining me for that. And as for communication, it broke down new year, when I suspected he had been ringing it in with another girl. He denied this, I’m not sure myself what happened and then he just went completely silent. I think we had no contact after that for about 10 days and then I did what you suggested which worked, “I don’t need to talk about what happened, lets just move past it and have fun.” Since then, I’ve been kinda of stuck in that mode! Yes you are right, I don’t want to rock the boat when I’m overseas because it really burnt when we lost contact. For both of us I could tell.. I suspected him again for Valentines, I told him to be “free and follow his heart”, different outcome this time. He is sweeter, loving, attentive, will say he misses me, tell me what’s he’s doing, important for him to plan me in, he’s hunting for me. In the meantime, I have increased my communication with other men. So, it does hurt him and our relationship, that we are in this mode we are stuck in.. it has slowly and surely pushed me away from him and completely broken down honest communication. I think I somehow feel it is pointless overseas.. hes a very busy man and very occupied of whats right in front of him… but also, no doubt, I have carved myself into a place in him.
Well that’s all it hinges on now. In all honestly, we only have less than 2 weeks and then a now 4 month long distance overseas! I’m not a therapist, I’m not sure any diagnosis of him is accurate at this point. I don’t know him that well. Time together will be telling, I think what I’ve wanted is to just avoid conflict prior to meeting again. In all fairness, I have contact with other men, I’m not an angel myself but just like him, he is my priority. If this doesn’t happen when we are together again, then I’ll be comfortable taking decisions. I think I first reached out here because our communication broke down, but without doubt, if it be the other way around. I may have been out myself that night.. when do people enter the exclusive space. Does this happen right away, do we continue seeing others, do we do it when the other goes far away. My answers to those questions are all in his favour, what worries me though, is how to flip this back to a normal relationship as we had when we were together.. I’ve been tip toeing for awhile. I remember him getting annoyed with me before that, felt I had made dating into a game..
How I feel about going without him, I’ve found peace. I know he doesn’t want to loose me, I’ve become a lot calmer and when this has happened, I actually notice him coming after me much more. It was like a switch turned between us about the trip. I got upset, completely withdrew and he just came after me. I could tell it made very uncomfortable and nervous. He also got very very sick last week to such an extent I got worried for him and reached out to someone close to him to check on him. This person, apparently approves of me and expressed it, and the whole thing together changed him. Also for Valentine’s, I just said suspecting he was seeing someone, I just simply said, “be free and follow your heart”. I just let him go… and now after this week, I get a lot of “sweetheart, honey, and baby”, baked in with good mornings and goodnights. He’s a lot more attentive and sweet, just like the beginning. Theres no doubt in my mind he wants me to be his girlfriend, 100%. However, as in the case seem to have been in the past with him, I don’t think this necessarily means he won’t be seeing other girls..
Thank you for clarifying regarding the go with the flow thing. I’m a person who not just with him, but in general would have trouble expressing what I want and need. Basically what you are saying, is that I should express that to him.
Thank you Heidi!! I really needed those hands-on lines, love the “cover the buns part”. He is both older than me and quite old fashioned himself, so this was helpful line for me to use!
Why am I not saying anything? You told me to just go with the flow and say ‘I trust him on everything’ for the time being! haha :)) I mean it is working, other than that I am completely not heard, at some point I need to flip the switch.. in a positive way moving forward.
Well, I will likely be embarking on a trip with a friend instead. We are quite different as its also manifested in the difference between US and America, for him going on a trip is less than a week. Few europeans bother if its not at least 2 weeks! The hassle of it all.. 🙂
Hi Kanya, yes this is true, can you please define what you mean with “giving more”. As in handson examples? As I am and have been overseas for months from him, I feel I’m not really giving him much and he is staying in contact daily, so its a hard call to judge..
You made me laugh again about open relationships and that have none of the required predispositions for it.. hahaha you are probably very right. haha I must say though, once you’ve had kids and the long marriage, just living in a city is pretty sufficient in itself, at least I don’t need so much from a relationship as in the past..
No, actually I have been asking for tips for the complete opposite to going Dutch! Its the 4th time I’m asking, so let me try to be much clearer this time. Yes, I am raised not to talk about money, so it does make me very uncomfortable to bring up. I am also raised in etiquette, when someone asks you along to do something, a trip, horse back riding whatever it may be, the host/person asking, is the one who is going to pay. I don’t know how he is raised not if he will pay. And, I don’t really want to go to this place he has suggested, I haven’t decided yet. Its 20 hours flight there for me, doing stuff I would never pick myself. Put on top of that everything I’ve been through with him lately, I sure don’t want to pay! I want him to make an effort. He should stand behind his suggestion for a trip, and pay for it. I would appreciate some hands-on tips on what to say to this effect? Hence complete opposite to Dutch?
And just so you know, I am thinking a lot about your words, it does convey I am in over my head honestly and have come across someone and something I have very little knowledge about but seems to fall under something very familiar for you guys..
haha you really made me laugh.. 🙂 I do get your meaning. The thing is, that cake, I’ve done the perfect thing and you know, it doesn’t always turn out perfect and to be completely honest, this man is the one who has captured my attention when other previous have failed. I think I would like to have an open relationship of with him, my brain actually wants that but I’m too weak emotionally to handle it! Does that make sense? He DOES fit me, but how to control my insecurities and jealousy.. its weird, do you understand what I mean? Maybe you are right, maybe I’m just looking for this because the perfect cake is not available in him. But I’m much too old and wise to believe in that perfect cake anyway.. perhaps this is what’s right. I’d like to try at least.. also, I have never found my relationships and men to be constant. They change as do I, as the relationship gets more serious. Behaviors previously OK, suddenly is not. I don’t necessarily believe you cannot change for each other, we do change when we get serious, right..?
So he went silent.. and guess what! He cancelled the trip! I didn’t ask for that, I didn’t pressure him on any woman or anything around it but I did say I am disappointed I’m not going. He cancelled on his own and now he has given me a date to travel with me. I can tell he is serious, its on his birthday and he has expressed strong opinion on where as in changing my suggestion.. thoughts? And how go about cost for this trip, ideas? This may sound stupid that I ask, but I’m the kind of girl that always pay my way and for others, but in this case, I think he needs to show effort..
Put out even, lots of typos! Might be any other girl, doesn’t matter who really, its not me which is probably result of pandemic, the only thing I know is that the trip has some deep importance to him and he has said its a business trip, I don’t believe him though, because he has given me 3 different reasons seemingly forgetting what he has said previously.. he has been nervous, different, serious, at one point defensive and then suggested trip, so indeed fishy. I could make a big deal out of it but also I know, if I was there, I would be the one going, so maybe I’m too harsh.
Confused, no I’m ambivalent more probably. This is the thing, I want him but there’s this deep rooted fear of not getting him/keeping him. This started way back when I left for Europe, doing long distance is hard and put the pandemic on that with its travel bans. I quickly gathered the dates set up before me had no meaning to him compared to me, however the ex is working for him, traveling with him, around him a lot, a deeper connection – it came as a chock and he was protective of the relationship with her but on the very same time, made it clear there was nothing romantic and he “doesn’t want to give her false hope”. Every other relationship around him with a woman has failed. So me wanting to keep him in my life, I gathered this was the only way, I need to work with him. Build his trust and hopefully in time… and if not, at least I have gained a longterm friend.
As for Europe contra US, I moved to US near 20 years ago but as many europeans with dual citizenship, as schools closed in the US, we decided the best is to move the kids to Europe for schooling under the pandemic. Its temporary yet feels prolonged, the city where we live in US still has severe lockdowns but as you know, everything is up in the air and I’m no longer in control of my life, at the very same time I meet this man.. I did not pursue this man, he came after me and at our very first date, he told me about a very very difficult business deal gone bad that broke him. Long story short, with me by his side and my profession this would not have happened. It awoke my instincts to protect him and it also awoke his instincts to have me by his side, he would have respect and I don’t remember his exact words but something “winning and having someone like me in his corner in negotiations.” So lets put it this way, I am a highly skilled professional on an international level, he is an entrepreneur, what I bring to the table is that he lacks and normally could not afford. So in this weird way, I am the hero for him.. so maybe this is also emasculating him? I don’t know but Im not this helpless maiden, he sees me as someone powerful and he has bragged about me and my abilities to everyone around him.
Also, lets out it this way, I am the one of us who has an apartment in one of the most coveted locations if not in US but the world. My living arrangements are far exceeding his. Some of my friends have pointed out, that indeed he is the one looking to gain by moving to my apartment.. so yes I am a bit concerned about that too I guess. In many ways, I guess getting someone like me, is a score and he will often refer to me as uptown, jetset girl which without going into too much detail, has truth in it. So thats why I’m a bit concerned about paying for stuff..
So he is embarking on trip today, yesterday suddenly silent, the day before over phone, he wants to go on trip with me (when he realised I am upset and feel like Ive lost him) and he said “I’d probably do anything you tell me to”. So today I’m thinking, will this trip even ever happen.. is he just expressing future to keep me interested. Im tired, Ive lost him so many times it feels like but he always kinda of bounces back. At times I feel I am being too harsh on him, Im the one away, long distance is hard and he does actually seem to want to have me as a girlfriend but to be honest I don’t know it feels like because of pandemic, too much time apart, it may very well already be lost. He hasn’t gone silent like this really before (no fight though) but I do suspect this trip involves another girl, probably the ex and he is very fearful I will find out..
Brilliant, I get it, impulsive and adventurous are different and if I under stand you right, it’s not something specifically that happened when he was 2, it’s just that it’s that age behavior. This could be some sort of personality disorder, ADHD, not trauma per se? It seems to me then you are saying, this is a deeply troubled man, it’s not a usual man with some hiccups, theres an issue with him like a disorder? Also, I am taking this means, his impulsivity he is prone to sexually risky behavior as in unprotected? 😒
Well I would have wanted to ask him for exclusivity and a serious relationship but from your previous responses, this does not seem to ever be possible. Also the other day he said to me, “you are not weak, you are powerful” – from the hero you speak of and your father, I seem to be very much the opposite? I split up in 3 questions what I would need from him, 1) how do I ask about other woman without making him angry? 2) how do I get him to flip this into a working project with eachother, I’ve presented a project to him already? 3) this trip he is going on this week he realized bothered me, so now he wants to go on a trip with me, but now honestly I feel he needs to do more effort (if I even want to go) so I want him to pay for it, how do I present/say that?
Is he aware he has this battle inside him? The unhappiness of the loneliness he expresses to me, is it manipulative or can be legitimate? There is no chance EVER he will conclude, he wants to settle?
Yes thank you Heidi, this “The most someone lives impulsively, the more child energy/wounded energy they carry”, can you give me some examples what kind of child development issue this is? I can be pretty impulsive myself but no way near him, I’m curious though, him being from a nuclear family and me lonely with a dad, how we could have this adventure seeking impulsive streak in common..?
From what I have been able to read from your materials, him and me are some the worst combinations, as in I seek love and tip toe and he takes and avoids.. this being the situation, how shall I best interact with him? Express my needs?
I get it re narcissistic traits, I have to admit, reading through your “Unavailable or confused” memo, I have a very hard time to determine, which one he is..
Wow Heidi, especially on your last no 5, in a nutshell you just also explained why I find him so brilliant and fun, that I even didn’t want to change him. It was him being the driving force behind getting us closer to be honest and was suffering. I remember when I expressed my reservations, he said “there’s no going back” as theres no buyer’s regret included. I didn’t understand then, the depth of what I had said and he said. I think as you say, my reservations about him made him fear getting hurt. I’ve been married two decades with a very strong man emotionally, patient, loving, the father of my kids. He is still very much part of my life as our children are young. I don’t need this new relationship to be the next husband for the rest of my life. It’s regretful there are similarities with my father but also they are miles apart. There’s nothing remotely impulsive with my father but you really nailed it, this new man is so so impulsive! I seek adventure and this man is really that, what I need to do is navigate this to a friendship and do a project together. I think I feel I need to be romantically involved with him for him to want that too.. in long run though, perhaps even shortrun, I was hoping to somehow use this trip as a opportunity for him to Kida of feel safe telling me and we become friends.. does that make sense?
Lastly, I find him and this terribly fascinating, this impulsive thing you are mentioning, is it a clear case of narcissism this? Never met one before! The thing is, he will express his failures, he will express hurt, he will express loneliness, he will show himself weak and he cares for people – this does seem to be traits a narcissist would be capable of?
