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Wow so cool! I have done this you see, and I’ve noticed, I survive! Its so interesting and you are so right, I have thought to myself, this is the time to deal with it and how I am growing from it..
I must admit, I like the caring part! haha X) And yes, this seems to be the max he has reached in the past, just caring about someone, its important for him to mention, to do. Somehow, at the same time, he seems to really hurt the same people. He wants to be a nice guy though weirdly. I have to say, all that you say about him, is very very interesting. Gestures he can control.. makes me wonder if this is why he mentions things like, to take it slow and to be in it for the long run, and really mean it. He has a gazillion female friends, he doesn’t seem to be intimate with them, other than emotionally oddly, making you wonder why marriage simply would not be easier. Why he has structured it this way. If I understand this correctly, all the things that’s happened to him, he has gotten abandoned, instead of changing his ways, he just goes on. It just baffles me he would be so so afraid of deep commitment, because his parents are still married and must have been for at least 60 years.. makes no sense to me! I mean if he was a divorce child or something, I would understand it better..
I will be reunited with him within weeks.
haha yes I do have an interesting road ahead! 🙂 Yes please i’d like to be that secure.. I usually am when I’m together with someone, I think this has all been the long distance between us and his insecurity about me. But yes, where’s your clinic, Id sign up to go to you to achieve this goal? For sure! He called about an hour ago, he is getting rid of one of his apartments in neighbouring state, to get one around the corner from me… I mean Im truly speechless, Im starting to feel like I’ve been through and passed some test! Shall be interesting to see if he goes ahead with it. You know I was the one who pulled back from him months ago, he just didn’t offer anything I wanted plus all the girls, in hindsight knowing his insecurities, I am starting to realise this really really freaked him out..
Wow thanks thats really helpful, I shall use this. I’ve noticed theres a trigger, whenever he hunts on social media, photos there, likes – this really really sets me off. Makes me deeply insecure and after him, its jealousy driven and I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t do all this on purpose. Or perhaps rather, he just doesn’t care. Past weeks, probably months, I just got over it although it can still deeply trigger me. What changed.. all these fights, theres no doubt he knows I’m watching and he’s cleaned up his social media act. Still though, even if it happens much less, the fire in me burns when I see it! hahaha I just don’t react towards him anymore with it. No really, ever since this trip of mine is happening without him, like even his craziest die hard fans are suspiciously quiet with comments.. in the past when this has cooled off, also my feelings for him and wanting him have cooled off. Yes jealousy, turning women against each other, clever way of keeping interest perhaps.
Yes you are right, I’ve already grown tired of it.. Ive lost him so many times it feels like, Im over it. I think the crying is the grieving but that has stopped too. Im on sort of hope wagon just enjoying his new side and on “let-see basis”. His latest change quite unexpected. Ive been focusing on a work project for some time, but this is hard as there are feelings involved both ways, but doable at least. Such a project would benefit me so it does make sense from that perspective. Thank you for all your input Heidi!
Oh yes, theres a thing he said that keeps lingering in my head, that hes in this (with me) for the long run. I keep thinking over and over why he said this, also that I will be “in his life a very long time”.I don’t know why this bothers me, its something about it that somehow seems odd.
Ugh yes.. lots left I hear. I will ask him at some point, theres no doubt in my mind he has been in therapy. He describes himself as a workaholic and having fear of abandonment. He has been very clear about hurting people, not caring in the past, very clear view of himself. How he can have such abandonment issues with his parents and family intact, I can’t get! Funny anyway, he has described himself in very mature and with therapist vocabulary, so theres no doubt in my mind, he has sought help. As this trip is happening for me, he has changed dramatically. The rough, tough and fast speaking guy, has been replaced by a normal, soft and quite mature man. Its remarkable even for me. Im starting to think he has split personalities! haha No but, he knows how to behave and I don’t know, maybe he realises now Im serious, maybe he realises I might pick another guy, whatever it is, suddenly he is keen to show himself in best light. Perhaps in the past, he hasn’t taken it as seriously, he often said “I thought you’d go to Europe and forget about me”. That didn’t happen. From what Im getting from you, seeing him soon, I should just go with the flow and get to know him better. If things get serious, he should need therapy, something like that. At least as I said before, his most successful venture was with someone like me, thats why I’ve been open to working with him, and in that way also, I wouldn’t loose him, having abandonment issues myself..
Thanks Heidi, these things you bring up, you are seeing things about him which I don’t, which is helpful. His hurt, his way of dealing with women. To be honest, I have several men after me, I don’t want this to sound too arrogant and stupid, but I have men who are planning not only this year but next with me that I met around same time. Not of course with the following 2 weeks, as with this man who I fell for. He’s the one that is the hardest and least likely.. so there’s within me, hesitance one could assume to engage in a serious relationship myself… why else would I choose this man. Or did I simply fall in love. To be honest, it was just magical, I can’t explain it but also, impossible at the same time and I knew it! He too has many women throwing themselves literally at him since he is a celebrity. What he cannot retain however easily, nor keep, is someone like me. I think part of it is the respect he has for me, but also, his most successful venture ever, was with a woman with the same profession as myself. How you are describing him it seems you are confirming my fears he can never change, despite what he himself says. Interestingly, his way has not only been with women, also in business, he has been unloyal and repeatedly sued for it. This bad ass, do what I want, I don’t care thing – blew up in his face a few years back breaking him totally. He quit drinking, he quit everything and is on a steep hill to rebuild his life, I think I am part of this rebuilding, his own journey of realising, enough os enough, time to grow up. Whether he will succeed with this not only business wise, but also with women, remains to see. I am however a bit hopeful thinking, if he can quit all these substances, which is very hard, there might be a chance he is cleaning up his home life too, this hope I live for now, however slim.. so when I see he is trying, I mean literally girls just walk away but with me, he is very careful to not slip and I mean its not about it being flattering to me, but a very big thing and change for him..
A week away and yes then we will be together, it’s the pandemic that has brought us apart and for this long.. and yes, those 2 first weeks, took us both by surprise. We had email correspondence for quite some time prior to that and calls. I assumed then, he was divorced because of crazy working hours, little did I know the situation was more complicated than that. At the end of the day, he’s been too selfish and lazy to upkeep a relationship. I think they way he is with me, is very different from how he has been in past, he’s said he didn’t care what he did or who he hurt, but with me, he comes after me, it’s like he is determined to make it work.
You know, between the lines, he comments positively about strippers, escorts and I assume prostitutes. He has mentioned there has been such instances and that he has been forced because of his working hours, its hard to keep up with a normal relationship and he can’t meet “good women” like me, because of that. Combined with being demanding and feeling relationships hinder his carrier, this is probably my main worry with him. Its not usual nor normal to idolise such contacts and a deal breaker for me obviously. Yet I have fallen in love with him, realising this after the fact. He is not exaggerating about his working hours, they are through the roof and he is almost 60, so this bad ass/bad boy ideal, is probably part of the times then and his generation’s rockstar ideals. I don’t know how to tackle all this, will take it as it comes but of course it makes me unhappy this side of him. I wouldn’t be around if there wasn’t this other strong side in him which attracts me, who clearly wants me and feels lonely and is painfully aware, women constantly leave him..
Huge fears about intimacy.. this stayed with me, I’m not sure but I think in the beginning he said to me, building a family stopped him, “hindered him from reaching his true potential at work”. Also that having “children is not what it’s made up to be”, home life “I’m not made for it”. My feeling then was, he’s met the wrong kind of girls but I see now this is all linked together somehow. Very oddly, he recently said he’d like to cook for me at home, the guy who wants to be out every night..
🙂 I believe this is exactly what he wants and me too, I feel somehow obligated I suppose to show I am serious about him, he feels like “what would a woman like me do with a guy like him”. It’s like HE is the one who feels he can never have me as quite clearly I did fly away. I’m afraid this is true too, he has not presented to me an option that would be vialable for me, but if he would, if he would, he’d have me.. I do want him but he is just so wild and not broken in. So yes, better get to know him better.
I think the tears to be honest, is me grieving exactly what you say, everything I want from him that I came to believe I cannot have. When he so clearly expresses deep emotions towards me, it makes me very sad if that makes sense. I get hope, which is impossible. He used to say a lot in the beginning, it will be easier when Im in his arms, so he can build a foundation with me so I feel more secure. I cannot imagine he will need other girls as much when we reunite, but I don’t know. He is interesting, what he offers, what he always has offered to girls prior to me as well and to me too, is the title “girlfriend”. Girlfriends have a special and odd meaning to him, he never talks marriage and claims to never have married, but he has always had “girlfriends”. My gut feeling is, this is to have all the advantages of marriage and love, while being completely free on the side. This is highly unusual, Ive never come across this before. He will of course not admit it openly. He also said yesterday, he is in a very good place in life, and its much because of me. I feel its important for him to show his kids and people around him, he is in a serious relationship with someone like me. He will also say, he would do anything for me, unless I suspect, this would be asking for monogamy… interestingly every single girl I have complained about, he has cut out. So he listens but the hunt goes on and probably will when I see him. I have mixed feelings about reuniting, he has become almost unreal, at the same time, I look forward to seeing him, a love story I think for both of us.. I was thinking basically just saying, I dont think he wants to be with me or offer me what I want, and if he does, he is welcome to show it.. good idea I hope?
Spyce, Ive been thinking about your response a lot. Also in relation to the whole BeIrresistible documents, it seems this thing of “hunting” is whats created on Instagram? You mention men see this unharmful and something they cannot be confronted for, is it really so? It seems highly harmful..
Thanks Spyce, so it’s more harmful to a relationship than they might like to admit? I know it hurts my feelings.
Is Heidi back? Heidi in addition to the last message to you on Feb 22, as I have bookEd my trip and will be doing part of it alone, he wants to join me for 2 days now after concluding he is too busy going back and forth. Also he told his daughter about me and that I’m a rockstar at what I do, which Incidentally is the same profession she has studied to become.. (to be clear I’m not a rockstar rockstar haha) all of this happening it’s really getting to me. I’m crying a lot, I think along the way I kinda of gave up too and now all this..
