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Thanks Spyce
Yes we are both intense and passionate people. The problem is he does not like to talk about his problems so I avoid bringing them up. I usually wait for him to bring it up. He is also a guy who needs his space so I don’t like to push him. things have worked very well he has opened up about some of his problems when he wants to. When I am with him he is not withdrawn and I can discuss anything with him. I have not discussed his wife with him after he was married as it was not appropriate for me. The problem is that he does not want to talk he just wants to see me and he says he is desperate to see me. We are in different continents and I have not been able to go to see him because of the pandemic. I thought I could manage it but haven’t been able to and he is not willing to listen to anything. Every now and then he send me passionate messages on how much he is missing me and how much he wants to see me. As I haven’t gone he shuts me out. In his words it may be too late already. Which I feel is so unreasonable.
For over 3 weeks I have not been in touch with him and told him that I would contact him once I got to Pakistan.
I am torn between leaving him alone and waiting for him to make the connection and chasing him. I feel he says something else but wants something else. I am very straight forward and get to the point but he is different. I care for him deeply and if there is something going on with him I want to be there for him even though he does not acknowledge it so I am thinking maybe it is not the right time to leave him alone. It seems so unfortunate if I lose him over this as we have something very special and make each other very happy.
NuzhatI have tried this before as suggested by James. I have tried getting professional advice from him and he always gets back to me and gives me what I need. He does whatever he can and instantly responds. But our personal relationship stays where it is. I know if I get it touch and request for his help he will help but then nothing!
Kanya thanks for your insights. I don’t think things are as simple and clear.
I have taken 2 weeks off from communicating and it does not feel right. In the past he has made every effort to come and see me no matter how difficult it was. I am not the one who had to make the effort to see him. That is why I find this situation difficult to understand.
This relationship is worth saving to me and I am willing to work at it no matter what. It just seems right to be with him and I trust my instincts on this. He means the world to me and I don’t want to lose him. I am an independent and a fairly successful person and I don’t want to lose my dignity or my self respect and chase after him all the time and also don’t want to give in to his unreasonable requests.
I want to make him understand that he is being unreasonable but I also want to understand why as I don’t think he is an unreasonable person. I want him to talk to me. If he does I know I can make him see reason.
I know very well how to get out of this relationship what I want to know is how to make it work without being desperate and with dignity. I love him and cannot bear to be away from him.
I read your assessment and I think I have presented him in a very bad light which is not true at all. I feel that something is going on with him which I am unable to see.Thanks Heidi
To answer your question before the pandemic everything was perfect. Yes we did argue a little but nothing unusual. He treated me perfectly was never offended and yes a perfect listener. One thing I loved was that I could talk to him about anything and he would listen for hours. He never judged me or threw anything back at me. He took my honesty and criticism very well. He was never controlling
I think I have presented him in a very bad light and I don’t think that is fair so I would like to rewind a bit.
I am a professional, a successful and an independent woman. so is he. we are both PHDs in or our own fields. We worked together and were best of friends. So much so that he would share his love relationships with me and ask for my advice. I liked and respected him and to tell the truth was fascinated by him. He was like no other Pakistani man and treated me like equally in every way.
He fell in love and got married and I pursued my career took care of my parents and kept in touch with him. Very soon he confessed to me that he had made a mistake in getting married and was unhappy. When we met next I felt something very strange he was attracted to me in a different way than just being friend. For years I pretended not to notice. Then I got a job in DC and moved there with my mom. We kept in touch through email though infrequently on birthdays and new year.
Then out of the blue I got an email that he was teaching at Colombia University and was in NYC and would like me to visit him. I was thrilled I had missed him. I learnt that he had been ill and that his wife was seriously ill. We spent some time together and that was that.
But when I went home I felt different. I was thinking about him a lot and was attracted to him. He kept insisting on seeing me abut I thought it was best that I kept away.
After a sometime I heard from friends that his wife had died. He was back in New York and sent a message through a common friend that he wanted to see me. I went and boy everything was different. We spent some time together and everything was perfect. The chemistry was there and I was learning things about him that I never knew. I had always been fascinated by him and now saw him in a very different light. we started seeing each other regularly and fell in love. He confessed to me he had been in love with me for sometime. I knew I was attracted to him and soon realized i loved him too. So before the pandemic he was the nicest guy around considerate respectful of my feelings. I felt at at peace when I was with him. He was never controlling he was in fact the opposite. We went out when I wanted to,. we ate ate at restaurants where I wanted to we saw movies that I wanted. Never controlling never pushy always giving me my space. He was just perfect. He is the kind of man that would not move for hours if I put my head in his lap and went to sleep. So it is difficult for me to understand what he doing now.
Then hit the pandemic. I was in DC and could not come to New York to see him as before so he came to see me. Everything worked out. But as things got worse with the pandemic especially in NYC (and because I live with my elderly mother and my brother’s family) I could not visit him. He was going back to Pakistan and was desperate to see me. This is where trouble started. He kept on insisting then he went back to Pakistan without meeting me and I haven’t seen him since March 2019. since he has been so understanding in all this time I expected him to be more understanding and helpful but he would not answer my calls and my emails. It is very difficult for me to understand and respond to him. I want to tell him that I feel the same and that I don’t want this to come between us and spoil a perfect relationship. It is difficult for me to understand why he is feeling that but it is uncharacteristic of him. From past experience I have learnt that he thinks my family is more important to me than him so I think maybe something else is going on. Maybe he is just feeling insecure. He has had a tough life and his experience has been that people who were close to him always wanted something in return and never loved him for who he was.
I don’t want to be one of those clinging woman but it suddenly feel like I am chasing him. But he is precious to me. I feel loved and at complete peace when I am with him. I can be completely honest with him, talk to him about anything be myself. He motivates me in my work and brings about the best in me. I don’t want to lose all that.
I miss how he was. I want to go and see him but I also feel I should not have to prove to him how much I care for him and that he should be more understanding.
I am really confused about whether to continue to be in touch with him or to just give it a break.
I have not been in touch with him for two weeks and have told him I will let him know when I get to Pakistan.
So question should I just leave him alone and let him be? and take my chances? If he cares enough he will be in touch and if he doesn’t care it shouldn’t matter anyways.
