[Michelle S]

Hi Heidi,
The book is called “Good Vibes, Good Life: How Self-Love is the Key to Unlocking Your Greatness.” I’m on page 76 and plan to spend today reading more.

Even though I’ve noticed the pattern and am determined to work on it, I woke up this morning really missing the ex. While I’m glad he didn’t, I really expected him to call me to say Merry Christmas yesterday. I’m trying to focus on literally pushing away negative energy and thoughts (which include missing him). It’s cold out so I’m going to hold off a little bit on doing my morning exercises and do some meditation and reading.

I read up a little yesterday after the last post about understanding the mind’s reaction to chronic stressors. It is eye-opening. I talked to my friend, Cara, last night about this over dinner. She is working on her master’s in psychology and had a lot to say on the topic.

Do people break this cycle that I’m stuck in? If so, do you have any recommendations aside from the things I am currently doing?

Michelle

[Michelle S]

Merry Christmas, Heidi.

It’s funny that I had to break down my relationship history to pinpoint why I settle for this. But, as soon as I wrote that last line, I knew it was true.

I’m alone for Christmas this year (kinda) so I gifted myself some presents. I got a mystery box from Singles Swag and in it was a self-love book that I am very much looking forward to reading. I definitely have some self-work to be done. While I suspected some of my depression lately had to do with being isolated, working at home with no family, during a pandemic while going through a break-up, I think there is definitely more to it. Thankfully, I got to return to teaching (in a safe way) which is something I am really great at doing and it makes me happy. Meditation and walking nonstop has also helped immensely.

I’m without family this year which had me really upset, but have been really blessed with wonderful friends. I spent Christmas Eve with one friend and two others popped by my house to drop off (really thoughtful) gifts. Today, I am doing Christmas dinner with another friend. We have all been so careful and I am fortunate enough to live in Florida so we can interact outdoors and keep our distance while still maintaining connection.

I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

Michelle

[Michelle S]

Kanya,
I’m so glad to be here because these are questions I am also asking myself.

As for my dating history, I didn’t date until college and then mostly casually. In my mid-20’s, I met someone whom I loved with everything I had in me. We were together for 6 years and I thought we would be forever. We even looked at rings together. Then, I got ovarian cancer and things fell apart. I was diagnosed with hormonal depression…something to do with my hormones being out of whack after the surgery. I can’t have kids as a result of all of this, either.

When that relationship ended, I moved to the city I currently live in. I made a list of 20 things I wanted to accomplish and really began working on improving my life, doing things that terrified me in fact. I dated casually for a few years.
I bought a house and had a live-in boyfriend for about a year, but then my mom got sick and moved in with us. She went through a series of challenges in a short period of time that made me think I was going to lose her. It strained the relationship with the live-in boyfriend and it ended.

I adopted a foster child after that and that was a rollercoaster ride, too. She was 13 at the time and had a lot of problems. My mom continued to live with me, as well, continuing to have serious health problems.

Fast forward to 2018 and I met a nice man whom I dated for a year. We still talk and parted ways on good terms. I wanted more out of him than he was able to give. He couldn’t seem to figure out how to be both a father to a 4-year-old (who loved me) and a boyfriend to me. I called it off.

About a month after that relationship ended, I had to be in another classroom to set up for a meeting. It was in the most recent boyfriend’s room and we just chatted casually because Spring break was coming up and he asked what I was going to be doing. I was really attracted to him and thought a fling would be fun. I emailed him later that day asking if he wanted to kayak with me because we had been talking about how much we both love being outdoors. At first he said yes…and then a few days later he said he couldn’t because he hurt his back. I said okay and just walked away and then he began texting me all the time. I got really sick and nearly died about a month into all of this and he was really worried about me, constantly checking up on me, covering my classes while I was in the ICU, etc.

Shortly afterward, my mom decided I wasn’t doing enough for her (because I was so incredibly ill) and moved out after 10 years. (I had blood clots in both lungs, underwent emergency surgery and had heart damage that took about 4 months to really heal so I was incredibly weak.)

Guess that about sums up my relationship history.

Maybe I have been taking care of difficult people for so long that the absence of that leaves me feeling adrift.
Michelle

[Michelle S]

Hi Heidi,
I guess that is the question of the hour, isn’t it?
Logically, my brain is screaming nope…but my heart isn’t willing to let go yet.
I don’t love easily or often so it’s hard to walk away when I do.
I think taking this time for me will ultimately lead me to a decision. I am really working on myself, trying to figure out what spoke to me about him that has been missing in my other relationships and whether its something I need to work on in myself.
So, what is the next layer?
Michelle

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