[Tera H]

Heidi,

Thank you for these ideas! I will definitely use them. It was really fun the other night because we assembled his new bed together. I honestly probably have more experience assembling furniture than he does, but I made it a point to ask him for help with some things that I “couldn’t” tighten or do. The smile on his face was incredible. When we got in bed that night, he held me and caressed my shoulder in a way he hadn’t done for awhile. The next morning, he actually offered to move something heavy for me, so it was pretty cool to see how quickly this idea positively affected things.

As for talking to him about sharing his feelings while sober, I really like how you phrased it. It’s something that would really be helpful for me because when he is drunk, he has a habit of telling me big things and then taking them away in the same conversation. One major example of this was recently when he sat me down to tell me that he was beginning this battle for sobriety. He was very emotional, and he drank a few shots and a half a bottle of Whiskey before he could tell me. After he told me, I replied that I would fight this battle beside him, in front of him, behind him, wherever and however he needs me. He looked into my eyes at that point, grabbed both sides of my face in his hands and said with more conviction than anyone I’ve ever heard it from, “I love you. What you just said…I love you.” This was the first time he’s ever said that to me. We cried and I told him that I love him too, and he thanked me for telling him. It was incredible, until about 15 minutes later when I asked him what some of his stressors are that cause him to want to drink. His reply was, “Work and my last relationship” (they were engaged and lived together and it lasted 3 years and ended almost 3 years ago). I delicately asked what about that stresses him now, and he got upset and told me to stop asking about it (we’ve never really talked about it before other than him telling me they broke up because she was nagging him all the time). He then said, “Because I loved her, and I don’t love you right now. Is that what you want to hear?! It was my first love.” It felt like a kick to the gut, but I understand. I wouldn’t expect him to feel the same about me at this point after dating me for only 5 months. I pushed a little further and asked why they really broke up, and he said, “Because of my drinking. She didn’t say that, but that’s really what it was.” Though it hurt, I decided to just let it go because he was so drunk at that point, and we went to bed shortly after. We haven’t discussed it since, and neither of us have used the “L” word since either. I’ve tried to just let it go, but it still triggers my over-analyzing mind. Did he mean that he loves me, but isn’t in love with me yet? Did he say he loved me because I was willing to help him, but didn’t really mean it? Does he actually love me, but it just feels different for him right now than it did with her? Is he just scared that his drinking will ruin this relationship too? Should I even worry about whether he loves me at this point? Does he remember ANY of this from that conversation? Ugh! It’s just frustrating and hard because the last person I loved was my abusive ex-husband who pretty much lied every time he said it to me for 12 years (I left almost 4 years ago), so it’s a little extra touchy for me. I’m honestly kind of terrified of feeling like a fool again, and knowing that it would hurt so much more this time because I’m no longer numb like I was at the end of my marriage. I know that he isn’t my ex-husband, and I’m not comparing them. It’s just scary to be in a position where I don’t really know where I stand with someone I love…again. I can be patient, and I don’t need those words on any particular timeline. I just need them to be sincere if and when he says them.

The other part of that conversation that night that makes me question the validity of anything he says while drunk is that he told me that he didn’t mean to ask me to be his girlfriend when he did. He was drunk then, too. He did say that he doesn’t regret it at all now though and is happy that he did it. And the last thing he said to me before we fell asleep that night also makes it even harder. I asked him to promise me that he would be 100% honest with me going forward and his response was, “No Babe. 75% because I don’t know what’s going on with the other 25%.” What the heck does that even mean?

So, that’s a lot to unpack here, but I hope it makes sense why it’s so important to me. I love how you phrased it so that it is non-threatening and doesn’t feel icky by bringing up the stuff above. Our one year anniversary of meeting is coming up on Valentine’s Day (and it’ll be 7 months in a committed relationship then), so maybe that will naturally open the door for him to share some feelings about me too. Until then, I’ll try what you suggested and see what happens unless you have any other suggestions now knowing the full story.

Thank you again for all of your help. It means A LOT to have someone to ask these questions that responds with such caring and practical advice!

Thank You!
Tera

[Tera H]

Hello Heidi!

Thank you so much for your advice and for checking in. Things are going pretty well so far. He’s doing a great job of working with his therapist and not expecting me to carry that burden for him, and he’s doing a great job of reaching out to me to let me know when things are tough for him.
Many of the things you mentioned are so helpful, and are things that I’ve implemented over the past couple weeks. I’ve been encouraging him and making sure he feels appreciated and understands how great he is. We made it through New Year’s without any alcohol and had a great time with a couple of friends playing games and laughing that night. He was so excited that it was his first sober New Year’s, and he took special precaution to make sure that he wouldn’t be tempted to drink as he knew he wasn’t ready to be around anyone else who was drinking. I made sure there was no alcohol at the event as it was at my house, and just told everyone that we weren’t going to drink because kids were going to be there.
I’ve also been focusing on a lot of self-care: going to the gym daily and eating healthier, spending time with friends and family, journaling, and reading a book about supporting a partner in recovery which is also helping me not to slip into old co-dependent habits.
One of the suggestions you made, and that I keep seeing in other things I’m reading, is to ask him for help. This is something I’m struggling with figuring out how to do. He’s ridiculously busy with work over the next couple weeks, so I don’t want to add stress, and I honestly don’t know what to ask for help with. He’s not a handy guy, and I’m so independent, I struggle to find things that would be believable that I need help with. I only get to see him about once a week, and we talk 2-3 days a week over text or phone right now, so this is something I’d love to hear some suggestions on. The one thing I would like to ask of him is to tell me how he actually feels about me while he’s sober because he’s never done that. I’m concerned that this would be perceived as pressure, however, which is the last thing I want to apply. Your insight on this would be greatly appreciated!

Thank You!
Tera

[Tera H]

Kanya,

Thank you for your reply. I’m definitely still struggling with remaining confident as he continues to remain fairly distant, but I’m doing my best to remind myself that it’s likely not a reflection of anything I’ve done or could do differently. So, I’m trying to remain patient and not let it affect my day.
Thank you for the recommendation of the workbook. I will look into that for sure, as it sounds like it could be very helpful. I haven’t been doing much lately to actively work on growth in this area, but I have gone through some counseling and read a lot in the past. I think it’s time to get back into it though, especially now that I’m in a relationship. I’ve been thinking about Journaling recently, actually, though I’ve never done it, and am kind of unsure where to start, other than just writing every feeling and thought I have (which could take up quite a bit of my time. Ha!) The workbook you mentioned may be the best place for me to start, I guess.
Thank you again for your help and direction. I greatly appreciate your time.

[Tera H]

Hello Heidi,
Thank you so much for your response. I love the cave analogy you used, and it does make sense. I think I just worried more than necessary because I still struggle to believe that he really wants a relationship with me (he’s attractive, successful, kind, and deep). This stems from my past (I was married to a man with Borderline Personality Disorder for 12 years), so when he pulls away into his “cave” my natural instinct is to worry about what it means and to assume there must be an angry bear inside that I need to back away from. I’m working on that because I know that not all men are like my ex-husband, and I know the inadequacy that he made me feel was untrue. This is the first time since my divorce 3 years ago that I’ve allowed myself to REALLY love someone so I’m figuring out what a healthy relationship actually looks like. I greatly appreciate your advice, and I will continue to gently “leave food at the entrance” and not analyze the empty space. Thank you for your insight and for putting my mind (and heart) at ease.

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