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Kanya, I’ve thought the same things: I have done everything to support and accommodate him and his needs while I’ve neglected myself. So I’ve asked, what do I want? This is where I’ve tried so many times to walk away and keep getting sucked back in. My son’s dad has been good to our son in the best way he can within the confines of our situation. He has never said no to anything I have asked for regarding our child. If it is within his power to give, he will give it to our son. While he did not advertise it, he did not make conscious efforts to hide our son, which confused me. We had several discussions about him keeping us a secret and the one thing I really wanted was for him to openly acknowledge us. He explained his family dynamics to me (cold, business-oriented, driven to succeed as a “family”) and explained that even if he told them, nothing would change except it would cause conflict. He said his goal was to lay low, do a good job in growing the company, and eventually be able to do what he wants, including being present in the way that he wants to be. The times we’ve fought and I tell him I’ve supported him and his choices, he gets upset because he feels that what he is doing is not a choice but a sacrifice, and I am not supportive and only see myself and my son as significant. And he expresses that no one cares and he is alone.
I have asked myself several times what I wanted. I have a good career and continue to climb the corporate ladder. I’m independent financially and have the resources to take care of myself and my child. I have good friends and a good support network. Since having my son, my mom, my sister and I have grown close. So I have a great village. I realized what I want seems simple. I want to have a healthy loving relationship with my son’s dad, and I want him to be present and be a father in every way. I just want to be a “normal” family. I have a strong personality and can be very stubborn. This is because I’ve had to fight for everything I wanted and have achieved (due to culture, gender roles, a broken family, blended families, clan dynamics, etc).
I suppose I haven’t been able to walk away because my non-negotiable is not being a family unit. It may seem ridiculous after all the pain I’ve been through. I’ve spent my whole life trying to win my father’s affections and yearning for a father. I was angry at my mother for having thrice married. I spent many years in solitary “exile” because I accepted that I can’t control what other people do. In my culture, we follow our father’s family and clan. My pain was being clanless and as an adult, not having a clan to belong to. I don’t expect people who were not raised in this type of culture to fully understand this sentiment. I’m trying to shield my son from a similar experience. But I also want to find happiness and spiritual peace for myself. Maybe I’m being unreasonable and unrealistic. That’s why I’m teeter tottering on whether to walk away or starting over.
Kanya, thank you for your input. I agree with a lot of what you said. I do want to add that my son’s dad has since told his family about our son since our big fight a couple weeks ago.
I would like to provide a little more background for clarity regarding my situation. I think culture and worldview are significant challenges here and may help to explain some things even if we don’t necessarily agree with them. My son’s dad and I come from traditional Asian families. I am Southeast Asian and he is East Asian, so while similar, also different. In our cultures, it is not just the individual, but the collective that really matters – meaning our family/clan (how we bring honor to our families, our duties/obligations to our families, etc). And then to make it more complex, each family/lineage also has their own way of doing things. I was born and raised in the US, so I have more of an individualist mindset although I was raised steeped in my culture and spiritual traditions. So I agree with you that he has a right to his own life. And this has made me very angry for the last two years because I wanted him to live his life as an individual.
My son’s dad came to the US as a teenager. So while mostly Americanized, he has some deep rooted traditional values. This man is driven by his hero instinct. James Bauer’s book is perhaps the best book that has helped me to understand my son’s dad – even if I don’t agree with my son’s dad’s decisions and methods. He is ready to sacrifice his own life and happiness to provide and give to those he feel he must protect and take care of. This is where our big disagreements are. I thought of his unit as me and his two sons. He sees his unit as much bigger, including his parents, sibling, and extended family. Not surprisingly, this way of thinking is what attracted me to him in the first place, since he is the first man I dated that courted my family and cared about my family, my family’s beliefs, and culture. Cheating is the most selfish thing, and it shattered my image of him. It seemed to go against all I knew about him. That is why the disappointment and pain is so intense.
In response to your question, the short answer is that my mom adores my son’s dad. She understands it’s a difficult situation, but she has told me to have patience with my son’s dad and to understand things from his perspective. He behaves in a traditional manner that my mom admires, something that is rare with folks in my generation who were born and/or raised in the US. However, my mom is not aware of the recent events (cheating, breaking up) since she is quite ill and I don’t want to cause her any additional stress. (Cultural note: polygamy is practiced in my culture, so my mom’s view on men having other women is quite different from mine.)
Most of my friends, who are not from the same culture as either one of us, detest him and are angry. So, I have decided to not share details of our relationship to avoid negative energy.
Regarding the supernatural force – your explanation makes sense. The scientific, logical side of me can understand that reasoning and I want to believe that is it. However, I was raised with ancient spiritual traditions and am still influenced by teachings that have been instilled in me since I was born. So sometimes these contrasting beliefs leave me confused. Perhaps I’m a lost cause.
Heidi, thank you for your thoughtful words. I’ve asked myself so many times if I would be able to get over all the hurt. When I think about the pain, it is a resounding NO. I just can’t. My heart says never again. But my mind begs to differ. When I think of the possibilities, I feel confused. He was my perfect partner at some point. I had never been so happy or felt so fulfilled as I had with him. In the past, I was the best version of myself with him. Perhaps that’s what I hold onto. The nostalgia. During these two years, I’ve held so much in and endured the heartache. I knew he was going through a lot of family issues, and he was miserable. He told me he hated that life, and at some point he seemed severely depressed. So I thought I could be strong for the both of us and this was just a temporary phase to test us.
My son absolutely loves his dad. He misses him. When I see them together, my heart melts and I know no man can love my son the way his father loves him. My son’s dad is gentle, patient and affectionate. That’s why a part of me wants it to work – so much so that I fear failure. The other part of me tells me to walk away forever.
Building a family of friends is what I’ve done pretty much my whole life. I’ve spent most of my adult years running away from the pain of my broken home and family and have tried to create a family of my choosing through friends. But it’s not the same and I’ve yearned for a “real” family. I always told myself I would fight to keep my unit together when I had kids. And now I have a little one. Now I’m so torn. As I mentioned above, I’ve tried to walk away from this relationship several times before, but it’s almost as if there is a super natural force that keeps bringing me back in. This time is no different.
