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Yes this anxiety is definitely a pattern from past relationships and from my childhood. My Dad left when I was 5 and when I grew into my teens and older I always felt I needed to have a man in my life, definitely co-dependency for sure. In past relationships I’ve been cheated on or left for other women, so I have major trust issues there. I have PTSD from being sexually assaulted by an ex boyfriend when I was 27.Every time I leave Eric’s house I am anxious till I hear from him and I hate having my anxiety control me like that. I definitely have to learn to live in the moment, it’s always been something I struggle with.
I agree with you both and I think that’s why I am scared to let go and face the truth. I feel I am already so attached to Eric that I feel like I am hanging on to any bit of him that I can. I am afraid to walk away and never see him again. You’re correct that I do want more out of this than is most likely going to happen. It’s so hard when you see the heart that someone has and you know that there could be an amazing relationship but it can’t happen. I am holding on to a fairy tale that isn’t going to have a happy ending. He’s like a drug to me. When I am with him nothing else in the world bothers me and I feel so important and cared for… But then when I am away from him I am always anxious that I might not hear from him again. It’s definitely not a fun way to live all the time.
I haven’t questioned him or pushed him in any way about being in a relationship or heading in that direction. I’ve kept everything pretty light and fun. It’s just hard to spend time with someone for months and not develop any feelings. In all honesty I don’t know what I want sometimes but I have the feeling that the longer I hold on to this situation the more it will hurt if he wants to walk away. If he can’t be in a relationship with me, how would he be able to be with anyone else? He tells me he really likes me and really enjoys the time we spend together. I have stayed at his house overnight a few times now. I feel so totally confused about the whole thing. I don’t want us to not hang out and become complete strangers, I feel that would hurt even more than what I am experiencing now. Thank you so much for listening to me, this whole situation has been really taking over my mind lately.
He has mentioned that he feels he needs time to heal from his previous relationship before he even thinks about being in another one. I do completely understand that. We spend time together at least once a week and we are planning to go away overnight for my birthday next month. He has mentioned he had trust issues and insecurities from his previous relationship. When we are together we have an amazing time and he makes me feel like I’m the only woman in the world. His emotions seem to be all over the place at times, like he doesn’t know what he wants. That is what really makes me anxious about the whole situation.
