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I honestly don’t know what happened. I guess she is more what he has decided he wants. From all of our chats lately, I thought we were headed in the right direction, and I was blindsided.
As far as closing off, I have had 2 failed marriages and quite a few other failed relationships. I found the love of my life and lost him too so I really don’t think I am prepared to open up again. It hurts too much.
It is all good. He has made his choice. He would rather have a woman who treats him like garbage than one who would be good to him. I am done with men and definitely done with love.
Thank you for the link for the article. I read it added to an article that I had read previously.
So, I am completely confused and have no clue what to do anymore. He is back to seeing the other woman, but still seems to want to work things out with me. He was texting with me first thing this morning after he finished work, but have heard nothing from him since then. He tells me that he still loves me and misses me but won’t call or spend time with me, but is spending time with her. Please help me. It seems like every time we start to get things on track, he pulls back again. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?
This is a topic that is very important to me at this time in my life. I read an article today that just spoke to me about being a better listener. I hope it can be helpful for others as well.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifes-work/202006/how-be-better-listener
Dave and I had a text conversation today. Nothing new there. All of our conversations seem to be in text anymore, but I digress. I asked what he felt our greatest strength was as a couple, and he said it used to be communicating. One of the things that lead to our “break” was a breakdown in communication. I asked a few more questions and then I asked if he thought that we could still work out the communication problems and he said that he does think we can. The last text that I sent said that I felt having more phone conversations could help. He said “Sounds good.” My question is, how can I help him call me? I don’t want to be the only one calling. I do know that I was not the best listener and I have been working on things from that perspective, but he can’t find that out if he won’t converse with me. He is ever so slowly opening up, but it is painfully slow right now. Slow is ok, but does it have to stay this slow? Please help.
Thank you for the perspective shift. I am not yet completely where I want to be but not much farther to go. I still get triggered quite easily sometimes and struggle to let go which is something I am working on. I read something in an article that I am using that is helping. It said that if something angers or upsets you not to react for 24 hours. If after 24 hours, you are still angry or upset then address it. I am finding that doing this is very helpful for me. And 99% of the time, after 24 hours, I don’t see it as worth being angry or upset about. An example, when Dave and I first went on our break, he started seeing someone. It didn’t last long, but because of my job, I occasionally have to drive by his place, and one night after they broke up, her truck was there. By this point, Dave and I had started to reconnect and at first I was furious, but I didn’t react. Over that next 24 hours, I went through a lot of feelings and thoughts, but in the end, I let it go because I know that Dave loves me and that other woman is not worth my time or energy.
I have also started reading one of the other books James has out. It is the Relationship Rewrite. I am also working on expressing myself better. I have a very hard time with communicating my feelings and thoughts and it is a huge barrier for me that I need to overcome. And I will through hard work and persistence.
I have spent many years now working towards being free of my past and have come a very long way. I do still have work to do, but I am very proud and happy with how far I have come. Even 5 years ago, I struggled with even day to day, but through many, many hours and days spent in my deepest and darkest feelings and memories, I have healed to the point that I can truly feel emotions. Yes, the love that I feel for Dave scares the hell out of me, but so does the love that I have come to feel for myself. I do know that I will never be completely free from the trauma of my past, but every day I put a bit more distance between now and then. At the same time, my past has made me, at least in part, who I am. Some days my fears get the better of me, but at the end of the day, I use those same fears to push myself forward and learn more. Most of the time, I am very positive and upbeat. But I have my bad days, and my bad days tend to be worse than most. I agree that I still need to work more on me and that the love I feel for Dave can be a huge catalyst. I want to be better for me, but he makes me want to push myself even harder. Not because I need to for him, but because he brings out things in me that make me want to be better for me. He has always seen so much in me. A beautiful, wonderful woman, even at times that I couldn’t see anything but the negative.
Thank you. I needed that. I have survived more than most people experience in a lifetime, and sometimes I get overwhelmed when things are not going very well. I have had to refocus many many times and I am sure I will have to do it many more times.
The love that I feel for Dave scares me so much because of how strong it is. I have never felt a love this strong in my life. I am learning lots about myself and life and relationships but still have lots to learn.
Yes it does make sense. This isn’t the first set back that has come up. Not sure I can keep doing the constant up an down. I get so happy and excited when things start to more forward only to be dropped and disappointed a short time later. That is the patter of my life and to be honest I am at the point that maybe I will just become a hermit and then I don’t have to worry about being hurt because no one would get it.
There is supposedly video of me with this other guy. I know that I am not in any video with him because I have never done anything with this other guy. I know my boyfriend hasn’t seen the video in question. Should I ask for his help to find this video? If he did get the video it would prove my innocence. I realize that Dave has a very hard time trusting women in general thanks to his ex. She cheated on him many times over the 20 years that they were together, but I never have and never will. I am not that kind of person. Any thoughts on all of this would be very helpful.
Ok. Need some more advice. Tonight my Dave, my guy, told me that some people in the town we live in have been telling him that I am involved with another man. I haven’t been involved with anyone but Dave for the last 3 years and for the last 2 months I have been working on me and wanting Dave back. I have no interest in other men, but for some reason Dave seems to be having a hard time believing that I haven’t been with this other guy. I have answered all of his questions on the subject without getting defensive. What should I do?
Things are continuing to slowly progress. Haven’t talked as much today but when we have it has been great. I have started looking at the blogs. Going to read over them more on my next day off. Also still working through the programs that I have purchased here as well. I strive to be the best me that I can be. Thank you agin for all the help and support.
I very much appreciate your insights. It is very helpful for me and I will definitely look at the blogs you suggested. I have told him that I have been working with some self help books and courses, and he told me that he has seen some very definite impacts from the work that I have been doing. He said that he has noticed that I am not getting as defensive and not shutting down so quickly. He said that he has also noticed that while I am still not completely open about what I perceive as negative emotions, that I have been expressing more of how I feel in a situation.
The last 24 hours have been huge. Since our phone call last night, we have been talking lots about everything. I did tell him today thank you for opening up about how he was feeling and that I very much appreciate his honesty about it. I was working most of the day, but we were texting while I was working. We have communicated mire in the last 24 hours than we have in the last 2 months. He also expressed today that he is more hopeful about getting back together since we talked last night. I am feeling very hopeful and optimistic about where things are headed. I will continue to work on the things I need to go, but definitely feeling loads better about working on things with him too. Thank you so much for these programs and your insights. All of it is very much appreciated.
I do not normally say things out of anger that are meant to hurt. I try to be very aware of what I say and how it may make someone I care about feel. However on the night that I said what I did, I was not in a good place emotionally and I had been drinking. I am very ashamed of what I said because it hurt him and because it’s not something I ever thought or felt about him. I told him he was a piece of shit. I wish I could take it back so much. In the 3 years that we have been together, I have not spoken out of anger like that.
Yes he is being cautious. I could hear the hurt in his voice and it broke my heart knowing that I caused that hurt. We haven’t agreed to any further steps yet, except to try to spend some time together each week as we can around work. We are both single, but want to be together again. We do have a couple of recurring issues that we want to work through together. We both tend to shutdown when we get stressed which normally ends up causing a lack of communication. I struggle to be able to express anything that might upset, anger or hurt him. Normally if something happens that causes me to be upset, angry, disappointed or sad, I close off and am unable to express it. I try to work through my feelings by myself. I have spent the last couple of months trying to learn how I can communicate better and learn more about me and relationships.
Update:
Last night we talked on the phone for quite awhile. He does want to work things out. He does love me. What is holding him back is something that I said in our last argument before the break. It wasn’t what I was actually feeling, but it really hurt him. It was said out of anger. Nothing more. Is there a way that I can help him heal from this? The talk we had last night was fantastic!! It was calm, very informative for both of us. We listened to each other and both want to work towards be together again. What should I do though? I wish I could unsay what I did and take the hurt away, but since that isn’t possible, how can I help him or make it up to him?
