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I am willing to share what I am doing. For me, the gratitude exercises have had a profound affect. And so with that in mind, I started using gratitude to slow down and stop the negative thoughts. When I catch myself thinking or even feeling negative, I start saying, out loud if I need to, everything I am grateful for. Depending on what is happening, this turns things around fairly quickly for me. Sometimes it takes longer, but it has definitely made a difference. I have also been using my journal as an outlet for all my emotions, but when I am feeling angry or frustrated or sad, I pour it all into my journal and once I have some time, I go back and go over what I wrote and have discovered lots from that.
I believe we are rebuilding as well. We didn’t get a chance to spend any time together yesterday, but he did tell me that he is feeling much better about us spending time together which is a very good thing. I think we are both looking at different things we do and working towards being better apart as well as together. I know sometimes things have to fall apart in order to come back stronger and I think that is the case here.
As for myself, since I started being more aware of my own thoughts, I am starting to get better at turning around the myriad of negative thoughts. They are slowly lessening but it will get better in time.
We have started talking about what we each need. He asked me the other night what he can do when I am sad or whatever, and I thought about it and let him know something that he does that always improves my mood and makes me feel safe. When I answered him, I posed the same question to him and he said he wasn’t sure, but that he would think about it and let me know. We have definitely been improving with our conversations.
As far as me being cold, I have been thinking about the state that I was in prior to that night, and have realized that I was extremely angry with myself for many reasons and I am working on those things.
Saw Dave again last night. We had a good night. Lots of affection and talking. He did open up a bit more. Something that he told me last night is that the biggest reason he is having problems getting past all this is he keeps seeing it in his mind when he looks around the house we shared. He said he had never seen such coldness in my eyes, but we also discussed continuing talking as well as working to shift what he sees when he looks around by starting to create some new and good memories in the area that is causing such issues. One of the things that came up in our conversations last night, multiple times, is both of us wanting me back home, but we want to work through things first. I still have hope.
As for me, I have been working on being more grateful for what I have in my life and trying to shift away from the negative thought patterns that are the norm for me. I have noticed with concentrating on the gratitude, my mood has become much better. I feel better and I am not getting irritated with life in general as much.
Saw Dave last night and we talked more. He is still very hurt by what I said and nothing else I say seems to matter. It is frustrating. It was something said out of drunken anger that I never meant. It is not something that I would ever say normally, and he doesn’t seem to realize that even he has said things in anger that really hurt.
Yes, we did have some great conversations and moments that day. We are continuing to talk and things are slowly moving forward.
Hedi, I was wondering about the coach you mentioned before.
This is new with him. There have been many times throughout our relationship that we have had talks on us and each other and he has never pulled away quite the opposite. Our talks always brought us closer.
He and I had a really good talk today and also a short visit. When we were talking, he brought up doing couples counseling and also expressed that he does want us to get back together, but he is feeling lost which I definitely understand. The visit went really well also. It was between jobs for me, and when I had to leave, I could tell he didn’t want me to go and I didn’t want to go. I feel like there was a major shift in things today. He was way more open than he has been in long time. Trying to be calm and see how it goes, but also hopeful.
I would definitely be interested in working with your coach. Thank you.
Holiday was ok. We texted a bit. He was busy with his family. I worked except for Christmas day. Things are slow. I am still very confused. One day we text back and forth all day and all is good. The next day he is very quiet maybe one or 2 texts. For example, yesterday we texted back and forth a lot all day and had a short face to face visit. The visit would have been longer but we were both exhausted from work. It was a long day for us both. Today he has been fairly quiet. Only a few texts.
With me always expecting the worst, I could never just enjoy the good times. I couldn’t relax enough. Was looking for things to go wrong because that is what I know. Throughout my life, good was always followed closely by something bad.
No Dave doesn’t have experience dealing with trauma, but even just help with learning to relax and enjoy the good times would be a huge help to me. Not asking him to help me with the trauma. That I need to do. As for therapy, I have spent the better of my life in therapy. And yes it has helped, but there is so much still buried in my mind that I don’t know if I will ever get through it all. I have been through more trauma and heartache than most people can imagine. One of my therapists told me that he couldn’t believe I could even manage getting out of bed let alone actually trying to live and be happy. Some days are a huge struggle and other days I am good but I know that I want happiness and love and the good things in life. And I know that I want that life with Dave. When I look back over the 3 years we have been together, there are so many amazing times and adventures and so much love and passion.
While talking to an old friend last night, I realized a couple of things that I have been doing within my relationship with Dave that has been very detrimental to the relationship. Things that I didn’t see prior to talking to her. I come from a very troubled past. Way too much trauma and heartache. From it all, yes I have grown lots and learned lots, but I realized that I am still stuck in survivor mode, and I don’t know how to let go of that. I do try to be in the present and the moment, but I realize now that even when I am trying to be in the moment, I am always expecting the worst. I reached out to Dave last night after my conversation with my friend, and asked for his help with learning how to truly be in the moment. I know that I don’t have a clue what I need to do, and I don’t know if he has any idea how to help me but he is willing to help. While I am sure there are steps that I can take for myself, I don’t know what they are and have some work to do to figure it out, but hopefully by doing my own work and with Dave’s help I can get past living in survivor mode.
Sometimes it takes me a bit to work things out for myself, but I know that I will go on no matter what. He and I have been talking more the last couple of days again. While I am trying not to get my hopes up, things seem to be going in the right direction. Only time will tell. One thing that I think is helping is that I am getting better at expressing how I am feeling without coming across as accusing. We had a conversation yesterday that I started simply by saying what I was feeling. It was all “I” statements. There wasn’t any arguing or defensiveness from either of us. And we both were expressing our thoughts and feelings. I know that making this change for me is going to have a profound impact on how he and I communicate and proceed in the relationship.
This has been a complicated, but mostly happy and loving relationship. In the 3 years that we have been together, it never fails that when we start to get closer and feelings are getting stronger and things are evolving on their own, he pulls away. And normally it is a very hard and fast pull away. I am not a young woman, and have been involved in many different types of relationships, and have never been the type of person to tolerate some of the things that I have this time. When I question myself, I always come to my heart leading me. In my mind, I know I should completely break things off, but when I think of doing it, my heart hurts too much to do it. I believe there is still much more in store for him and I, and he says that he has been working on himself as well, but I can’t get close enough at this point to know whether that is true or not. I had been trying to see him, but sent him a message a couple of days ago that I would no longer ask to see or speak to him and that I was leaving it in his very capable hands. I know that he doesn’t believe that I will hold to it, but I have made that decision. I have also started thinking that I need to set a time limit on how long I wait to see if things improve before I do have to end things. Have been thinking that sometime in February would be appropriate. I have also gone back to just focusing on me and my tiny little world as it is right now. I have my 2 jobs and my apartment and me. Since we are in lock down here there isn’t much more available. I am ok with being alone. It is not something that has ever bothered me. I have been alone like I am now, but I have also been a single mom and either way I am ok.
I do know that going forward if he and I do get back together that some issues need to be worked out. While I understand why it is hard for him to trust, he will need to realize that I have never given him a reason not to trust me. He will need to get past his inability to trust. My primary focus right now is going to be trying to learn how to say no and not just to him, but to work and friends and everyone else. It is something that I have needed to learn for a long time now.
I am still very confused and in a lot of emotional pain, but I have to keep moving forward. I don’t know if I will ever find the strength and courage to love another, and I am ok with that too. While our relationship was rocky at times, it was also very happy, loving, and fun. I have some absolutely fantastic memories of the time we had together, and still believe in more.
Was doing some thinking this evening, and came to the realization that regardless of my feelings for him, maybe the other is the one he should be with. All his family have met her and like her, he seems to enjoy her company as they still spend time together. I will never give up- the hope or belief that him and I could have been amazing again, but maybe it’s just not going to happen. I am ok with being alone. It isn’t the first time I have been alone. I will be ok.
it was a combination of factors both from him and other people. He very suddenly became extremely distant again, and when we did interact it was back to one word answers. I was also told that they were back together by a few other people. I can’t even describe what I am feeling anymore. I don’t think I even know right now. I just know in every part of my being that he is the one and that I want him back. I have never been so sure of anything else in my life. Even now, on the few occasions that we have spent time together, even he has commented on the connection between us. It is palpable. As well as the attraction and love. So why is it all going so awful?
He and I have talked more. He is insisting that he is not back with her only friends. Some conversations go great and continue for quite awhile, then he disappears again. He has said that he needs to be sure that he is ready, and brought up what i said again. I have apologized. I have worked on me to be a better person. Not really sure yet what I am going to do, but thinking that fading into the background would be for the best at this point. I am hurting very much, but I hurt him deeply. He didn’t deserve what I said. He is a good man that always made sure I was taken care of, and I repaid it by hurting him.
