[Bonnie W]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you for validating my thoughts and feelings. You have provided me with knowledge about men and relationships that I had not previously understood.

I know that with Covid-19, therapists are even busier than before. I’m grateful that I will be able to access this service in my community. Today, I will be returning a call to schedule an appointment.

Thank you
Bonnie

[Bonnie W]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you for validating my thoughts and feelings. You have provided me with knowledge about men and relationships that I had not previously understood.

I know that with Covid-19, therapists are even busier than before. I’m grateful that I will be able to access this service in my community.

Thank you
Bonnie

[Bonnie W]

Hi,

I have been in contact with a therapist and will be arranging appointments tomorrow to work on issues pertaining to the trigger in my situation.

I want to know if Heidi is able to work with me to learn how to move forward and let go or would I see a therapist for that too?

Thank you
Bonnie

[Bonnie W]

Hi Heidi,

Logically, I know there is a way out of this, but I currently feel in a deep hole and dirt is being shoveled into the hole. I don’t know what the way out is. I’m fighting for the future, whatever that is, but I don’t know about what the joy could be.

I have used many methods that I’ve learned through counseling. I heard back from a counselor today and will be setting an appointment to work on this.

It has been over a month and I still can’t get sleep that is restful. Last night I was able to get 2 hour sleep. I’m journaling a lot trying to get everything out. I’m still crying just as intense as a month ago. Today I spent the afternoon scrapbooking my Christmas cards and listening to the radio, but I could feel the pain building up. I was doing everything to keep myself busy, but the emotions, tears and pain didn’t dissolve.

I have a couple of questions. I know that it doesn’t matter what my ex thinks. I do need to understand the concept why men flip their statements. How is a man able to have chemistry, attraction and continue to say positive, complement and support and encourage and then say there is no chemistry? I have only experienced chemistry with my ex. People would comment on it even when we weren’t a couple. So I’m not able to understand what changes the chemistry. The other question is something else I don’t understand. He has always complimented me on numerous traits, qualities, etc. And he mentioned certain things about the new girlfriend that are part of what attracts him. I’m confused and was shocked because they are the exact same qualities that I have and that attracted him to me. I don’t have lots of experience in this area. I do know that he is seeing this relationship through rose coloured glasses, as it seems he is reliving being 17 with his first love, who he indicated hasn’t changed at all in 40 years. They have it planned to have a long distance relationship for 2 years and then she will move west to be together in a small town. It seems that, using your word, his “fantasy” will possibly cause him unneeded pain. She has always lived in the same city back east, has children in their late teens and will be leaving them behind as they will be old enough to be on their own. A major move that far away and to a small town will be an adjustment and may not work…she might miss her family and children and want to return. He has made it clear that he will not move back east so she needs to move west. The reason that I’m telling you this is because I’m seeing issues that can become a problem on both sides. I’m trying to filter the information out of my head and have always trusted my gut and instinct to lead me in my life. Does this type of “relationship” seem more like playing house? Returning to youth? To me looking at facts only, this appears to be unrealistic for anyone or at least an uphill struggle with so much that she will be changing in her life to be in the relationship i.e. moving away from her children and family to name a few while he doesn’t change anything. Even though he thinks being in love and maintaining a long distance relationship and seeing each other a couple of times a year it a big change. He has already decided this is for the rest of his life. It wouldn’t surprise me if he has already bought a ring. I have grown children and I would find that difficult be move away from them. I am learning about relationships and men through this experience.

I will be happy when I start to feel like myself again and can smile. It’s still a lot to deal with, not to mention holidays coming up and being alone. Christmas was always difficult to begin with due to childhood memories.

Thank you
Bonnie

[Bonnie W]

Hi Heidi,

I haven’t been in a romantic relationship for 21 years and spend 24/7 alone. I have been on a medical leave from work for 5 years due to anxiety and depression. I have been working very hard daily to get to the point where I am managing them. It is so hard to be completely alone with no support, companionship, etc. Yet, I do my best to take it one day at a time and deal with the immense pain that surfaces due to such isolation. As I mentioned in the previous email. I have tried throughout the years to make friends, etc. to no avail. I learned from a very early age to do things alone and my interests reflect that. I journal, read, meditate, scrapbook, crossword puzzles, sometimes I will go out for a walk, but there are bears in my area and I get nervous about being alone on. I would be more comfortable if I had someone to go for a walk with. I even tried joining a walking club, but that didn’t work out. I broke my ankle in 3 places, 4 toes, tore the ligaments and tendons, bruised the muscles and severely sprained the other ankle and foot. This required surgery and spent 18 months recovering – alone and in isolation. To this day, I don’t have full mobility in the foot/ankle so I can’t go on long walks, as a walking club does. I love to play cards and board games, but since I’m always on my own, it’s not an option. I spend many hours a day focusing on myself and trying to get to a place where I can return to work. This accident took a great deal of my independence from me, as well as other areas of my life. So I spend my time revolved around the work that I need to do.

I have always felt that it’s me that needs to accept everyone else having a life filled with friends, dating and relationships and I have to make the changes to accommodate it. For once, I want to have what others have, but it hasn’t happened. I’m 56 and based on all the information I have shared with you, it’s obvious this isn’t bound to happen. I don’t want to have a relationship with someone who is old and not able to do the things that I don’t want. I didn’t have the opportunity in my early years to date much and so I missed out on a lot of fun, interesting and good looking men. Both of the men that I was married to were unattractive. I need to have an attraction to them. Now, even though I feel young at heart, all the men out there are older. This is extremely unappealing to me, I don’t find them attractive and that is a major turn off. Feeling that an old man would be interested is creepy to me. So many men don’t take care of themselves and that’s important to me. What I meant by being “creeped out” is just that. I selected an age range for the online date site to be between 48-57. Entering this information made me feel creeped out and turned off by old men looking at my bio. I can’t help feeling that way. On top of that, I don’t trust anyone. The only person that I have ever let my wall down with and trusted was my ex-boyfriend and that was a huge deal. I am always on guard around people, and especially if a man would be interested. That would be a major red flag that something is wrong, they are probably lying because they are trying to find someone on a dating site. I’m aware that most people aren’t as up front and honest that I am. I have heard so many horror stories of woman meeting men on dating sites. So in a way, it makes me feel that I am knowingly putting myself in a bad situation and it’s dangerous. The few dates that I have been on over the years have caused anxiety. For example, I was asked out on a date on time and I said yes. I was shocked by the words coming out of my mouth. Then I begin to regret what I’ve done and feel panic and need to find a way out of it. The panic intensifies to anxiety and with each day that gets closer the anxiety increases, I being to feel physically sick to my stomach, which increases and the anxiety level goes to a 10. The day of the date, I begin to shake uncontrollably. When I go on the date, I am extremely nervous, distant, guarded, don’t say much and the default of acting like a “bitch” kicks in. All I can think of is when is the date going to end. By the end of the date, I am so disgusted by the evening and the guy and I’m glad that I will never have to see if again.

When I hurting, I prefer to hit something really hard to hurt myself in order to break the feelings. I have bought myself flowers, but not for a long time. Probably not the best idea because the only person who every gave me flowers was my ex-boyfriend. So it only makes me feel sad. I don’t like cooking and really dislike eating! I would rather starve that to feed myself. It is not a reward or treat in my mind, but a punishment. Honestly, Ii would rather eat glass! I’m working on that in the Noom program I’m in. I don’t like to go to the movies or watch movies. I have always found it to be too much of a commitment and can’t bring myself to do it. Besides, my second ex-husband bought hundreds of movies and would spend his “free time” watching movies rather than spending a minute of his time with me. To negative…I don’t even want to date a person whose interest is going to the movies. That would be a deal breaker as well as going out to dinner…another major strike for a date. Due to my anxiety, I tear at my skin when it gets bad, for example, I was bit on the hand by my dog years ago and I continue to tear the skin and callous off of the palm of my hand and tear at the bottom of my feet until they are bloody and torn open so much that I can’t even walk. You indicate that I am more than that and I deserve love. I agree that I do deserve more and I do love myself most of the time. It has taken years to get to that point, but it is constantly being brought to my attention that I am not loved. I’m logical and I see that I haven’t had that in my life in 56 years so the chances of it happening is not good. By my thinking that someone is going to want to be with me and love me is a FANTASY. As I said, every time and in many ways I have been rejected and those are facts not emotions. I am very upset and emotional while writing this because I’m hurting so much and I’m tired of having to go through this. I can’t think of anything that brings me comfort. The only time I felt anything that could resemble that was when I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. Even when we talk, he has a way of bringing out the best in me and he makes me happy (for the most part).

You say we attract who we are. I have a great deal of self-esteem, self-worth and respect for myself. I know that I’m not showing that and that is because of the pain and rejection I have been dealing with for the past month, high anxiety, constantly crying, defeated and having to accept the rejection. That to me is pushing down the pain to have to learn to accept the facts that aren’t nice. I have grown a lot in the past 30 years through intense counseling and self-help and I have boundaries that I now use in my life. I’m not punishing myself when I’m hurting. I’m taking care of myself to break the cycle of the hurting. Nothing in that paragraph lands well with me and is quite painful. I don’t relate to any of it. My thoughts on this type of approach comes across that I’m only able to and only deserve to attract people and experiences of rejection and that is what I was told as a child. The information makes me feel that I am supposed to accept that because that is what I’m being told.

I understand what you’re saying about talking to my ex-boyfriend. I agree that it is harsh, but I don’t sugar coat anything. I have always spoken my mind. I feel that by saying nothing I am condoning his behavior, don’t care for a friend and that I need to have no opinion if I want to have friends. My first husband had affairs during the marriage and I confronted him and of course, he denied it. Once I separated from him, one of my “friends” told me they knew he was having an affair and in fact, he and the person he was having an affair with would go to dinner parties with people I knew in the very small community. I was very angry by the fact that I was not told this information! I believed that if that person who was aware of the information they should have told me and that goes for someone who would be a friend. It doesn’t feel honest to me. I want to have a conversation with him and no one else. It’s not like I would tell his ex-girlfriend. I would hope that if the situation was happening to me that he would talk with me. I don’t mean to be condescending or judgmental. They are facts and I am approaching this from a logical perspective. So I agree that saying everything in one call is too much, but I think it could be information that I can ask questions to understand where he is coming from to have a better understanding about his lie and decisions. I thought I would ask his, “did your ex-girlfriend have the cell phone number of just the flip phone? I wonder what was the reason for that? Any thoughts?” And then based on his reply, I could ask another question.

I’m still feeling a great deal of sadness and crying, as well as many of the other things I have been experiencing since my conversation with him. It’s difficult because when I’m really upset, he is the person that I talk to. I just want to see him and get a hug (not romantically). I miss him and I feel that I’m being punished. I’m kind of feel as if I’m in limbo. It’s another example of my having to accept what others want and it doesn’t matter what I want. I’m stuck in this place with my emotions, thoughts and feelings because they aren’t validated. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do to get past this and move on. I know that I will be moving on, but it won’t be by choice, but because I’m being told that I have to. I will still love him…confused and tired.

I’m not sure if I should just stop bothering you and taking up your time by emailing you because nothing is going to fix or change how I feel.

thank you,
Bonnie

[Bonnie W]

Hi Heidi,

I have some additional information that you might find helpful to know. Even though I have been in contact with my-boyfriend and we have been in each others lives to various degrees throughout the years, I have also done my best to move forward.

I wanted to do what I could to continue to move forward and live my life and not only find inner peace and love, but relationships. I have always had a struggle with the skills on how to start a friendship and other relationship due to the lack of parenting teaching me the skills as a very young child. I have done my best to make my way through the world and at many times while trying to grow in these areas, I have always felt that I’m not quite getting it right and missing features on how to be successful in those areas.

I have been working on this since 1994. I joined a baseball time in my area with the intention of meeting new people, making friends and possibly meeting men to start friendships with and develop casual relationships and learn. This didn’t work out as I had thought it would. There were limited people on the team and more women than men. The women were not interested in anything other than baseball practice and the couple of guys were very young.

I joined the PTA, tennis lessons, volunteer work with my kids extra curricular activities, community, church, music band, scrapbooking classes, book clubs, curling club and victim services with the local police department just to name a few. I participated in every one of them with interests and open to possibly developing friendships and more (if that was a possibility). In each case, I put myself out there and in the appropriate time and manner asked people to go for a walk, meet for coffee, etc. just simple meetings to get to know other people. In each case, these were women. I was turned away, politely, but it was awkward and uncomfortable. Meanwhile, I would see and hear others making plans and opening themselves to new friendships. As for meeting men in any of these activities, I began to make a joke of it to myself. All the groups, clubs, classes I joined over the years, very few men were part of those groups – ironic??? No matter what activity I joined, I was unsuccessful in making even one friend. The curling club was probably the most positive; however, I didn’t feel comfortable. After each game, the entire group would go into the club and sit and drink alcohol for hours and talk in their “clicks”. I was never able to become a part of a group conversation. It was as if I was invisible because no one would talk with me in if they were sitting at the same table as I was. It wasn’t a good fit for me partially because of that but the alcohol was a major factor. The few times that a person in a group would talk to me it was a person who was “mentally challenged”. Please understand that I don’t mean this to be disrespectful, but it gives you an idea of the type of individual that would seek me out and cling to me. I was not uncomfortable and this made me feel like more of an outsider. I felt left out, but continued to try.

I even went far outside my comfort zone and decided to contact a reputable dating company in my area for 6 months. I met with someone in the company, filled out the paper work, interests, likes, dislikes, etc., and paid a fair amount of money in hopes that it would be better if I put my trust in a company where this is what they do. I never had one date, not one match! I contacted the company throughout the time period, asked questions about the percentage of this happening, broadened my dating profile, continued to contact the company and even meet in their office. The company indicated that they hadn’t seen this before. They are aware that it might not provide a wide variety of compatible matches, but there would at least be a few and with expanding my interests would improve my chances. I like car shows and races, motorcycles, sports and a variety of other interests that you would think men find interesting. Again, not one match! I was so defeated that I couldn’t even find a dinner companion and there was no one who wanted to spend time with me. As you can imagine, this didn’t help my self-esteem and was as if what I was told in my childhood was being reinforced over and over and over in each one of these situations. Even of late, I have signed up with a online dating company, after a great deal of research as I am nervous about this type of thing, people who put themselves out there and misrepresent themselves, etc. But, I put my major fears to the side and joined. I took the time to make my bio approachable with a variety of interests and expanded those interests, age group, etc. I check daily to see if I have anyone who “likes” my bio, not one “like” no one is interested. All I can think is what kind of joke is the universe playing with me. What is it about me that pushes others away.

My landlord, female, is a very outgoing and nice person. She has interests such as going for long walks around the city. I like to do that type of thing to. Once day she told me about walking downtown and the seawall. I told her that I too enjoy that area. I went outside my comfort zone and said that if she was going there again, I would be interested and would enjoy going with her (not my exact wording, but I was casual). Her reply was that she had enough friends. Blunt and to the point. I don’t get it. It kind of makes me think that I should seek out someone who is a jerk and treats women terrible and let them hurt me (it is my way of hurting myself). I have tried many ways that I thought were good ideas and healthy decisions. It seems that everyone else around me throughout the years have made friends, started dating, etc., but it never happens for me. I have asked people throughout the years and the usual answers are, “I don’t know what to say”, “you’re not meant to have those things in your life”, and my favorite answer, “I have never seen you with friends or a date and it would seem weird to see you with someone, besides, I like how I have dates, boyfriends, friends and you don’t change”. Well that doesn’t make me feel good. Everyone thinks it meant to be for them and should happen, but it shouldn’t happen for me and that I don’t deserve it. Each of these conversations have come across that no one wants me to change, as if it would majorly shift their entire world.

Throughout my entire life, I have only had 4 boyfriends – married 2 of them, which I didn’t like and/or want to marry, a boyfriend when I was 15 and my ex-boyfriend. I have had a total of 8 different men that I have gone on a date with and that includes the 4 above. The other 4 were dates that only were one time. And I’m not the kind of person who has casual sex, that eliminated those 4 dates. I have been divorced for 6 years, but there was no relationship in the marriage. He neglected me in every manner for the 10 years and was single for 5 years prior to that. So in total, I have been single since 1999 – 21 years in total!

I also wanted to update you about my weekend. I have been feeling much the same, but in the wee hours of Sunday morning, I decided that I would imagine a conversation with my ex-boyfriend. I wanted to be mad at him, but I wasn’t and I didn’t know why. I imagined sitting with him and telling him exactly what I thought about how he has consciously made choices that have an effect on 3 women in his life all in order to meet his own needs and not address his low self-esteem and not address the feeling that are below the surface. During this, I went through the details of when and why he went outside the long term relationship, how I was disappointed in him, lost trust and respect in him. Confronted him on the timeline, as he had started this entire mess. I was honest, polite and respectful as a friend would be when having an honest conversation with a long time friend that you care about. I laid out the time line and the fact that whether he admits it or not he got involved with a married woman and she then separated, he had an affair and expressed how it played out in his entire life as well as others. In the morning, I decided that since this helped me clear my head, I was going to write him a detailed letter discussing each aspect of his one choice a year and a half ago. I wrote from a point of view of facts only – not my emotions. I called him on what the real reason for him seeking this woman out and his inner pain, low self-esteem and trying to run from himself and that this relationship will not fix or fill this. I expressed that this new relationship is doomed as it is built on deception, lies, hiding the truth from his recent long term live in girlfriend. I gave him something to ponder…his mother had cheated on his father and it completely destroyed the family unit, he has never spoken to his mother since that time due to the pain that it caused him personally and his family. I asked him to think about what his father (who passed away) would think of what he has done and is doing. His father is his world! I asked in the letter to think of what he saw first hand what his father went through mentally and emotionally, what would his sister think if she knew how thing all came together. And what does he think of his mother today. I know what the response to these questions will be. I then asked him to please read the questions to himself and honestly answer them. There is no need to share the answers with anyone, but what I want is for him to see the big picture and reality…the truth…I asked him if he was relaxed and happy with his conscious, what about any guilt, what about fooling yourself with the truth, reasons, facts. In the letter I asked him to put himself in his recent ex-girlfriends place…imagine he was in love with her and the roles were reversed and she did every single thing you did at the same time in the same way. How would you feel about her actions? Her lack of respect and honesty towards you? How you would be feeling having this done to you? What type of integrity does she have? What about the woman who is now your new girlfriend…she is having an affair for a year and a half, while her husband is now living in the basement during their separation and to add to that, he has cancer! Is that the type of woman you would think/imagine to have as a girlfriend? What about her lack of concern for her family and only think of her selfish needs? The fact that she asked about my being your friend and in your life and that she didn’t like that idea and wanted to know about your ex-girlfriends (a childish question for an adult) shows this woman is already insecure, jealous, not trusting you, will subtly control you over time and monitor your every move. Eventually this type of woman will get so scared and insecure, she will convince herself that you are seeing another woman behind her back and in time, will begin to make this now to you verbally by continually accusing you of this. If you think this is not factual, she has seen it first hand because you were having an affair for a year and a half with her! Is that the idea woman who someone who want to spend their life with? Would you feel this type of person would be completely honest, respectful, trustworthy, etc. in a relationship with you? Would you have respect for a woman who did this? Would you worry that she will eventually do this to you?? I asked if he thought that a person could build a home on an unstable foundation? What would happen if the ground below was unstable?? I then indicated it is no difference when it is a relationship. I ask if he is willing to continue to lie to himself and cling to this in hopes that it soothes his own insecurities and if he is willing to completely trust that woman for the rest of his life. Are you willing to deny and ignore the truth and all the red flaggs?? He can do whatever he wants, but I want him to know that he is causing his own self pain and the failure of the relationship. All the fears of what his mother did to his father and the kids and the effects on him, we will recreate and bring them to life. I also expressed in the letter, that I still love him and that someone who truly cared for a person who have the courage to be truthful to that friend and not ignore what’s going on and even asked him put me in this situation with two different men…as my friend, would he turn a blind eye and say nothing, would he think there was anything wrong with any of this? Please sit with each question and close your eyes and allow it to sink in and what does not conscious say. I know this is not the type of person that you are, but it is obvious that you are in a great deal of pain and have lost your way and are not the same person. You will no longer be able to say you are a faith partner, honest partner, trusting partner, respectful of woman, have no morals when it comes to relationships and the fallout you cause in numerous lives. So if you can accept all of this, I wish you the best of luck. I only want the very best for you in all areas of your life. Please know that I will allows be here and I made that promise 29 years ago. I have never walked away from you and never will. I will be here whenever you need to talk and have someone be honest and look out for your best interests. Please know that I will always love you unconditionally, but at times, There may be choices, decisions, behavior, etc., that I may not like in you as a person, but I will always love you unconditionally…and this is one of those cases.

I felt so much better after being able to separate these facts and untangle a great deal of information that has been in my head. I still need to work on all of it because this didn’t fix everything. I have decided that when we speak in a couple of weeks, I will ask to speak FaceTime and some of this I will bring up. I think that it best to confront him as a friend face to face. I know that it will have more of an impact on what he is doing with his life and not be able to deny it face to face. My hope is that he will not cause any more pain, aweful choices and stop this from going any further before more people get hurt and he becomes the very thing that he hates about his mother! No one else in his life would be as honest as I have always been. I don’t expect anything for myself by having this honest conversation with him. I do want to help if I can in supporting him to find another way to handle what is really happening inside himself.

I believe that this is a healthy, positive step for me, personally in working through my pain and letting go of so much and being honest with myself. I would appreciate your honest thoughts.

thank you
Bonnie

[Bonnie W]

Hi Heidi,

I used the phrase, “passed over” because I was trying to explain how I felt without going into detail of the trigger. I wasn’t aware of the process of the return of emails. I apologize. It was not my intention to be disrespectful. Lately, when I am trying to find the appropriate words, it is a challenge, as my mind isn’t working they way I would like. I have contacted a counselor and will be hearing back next week regarding an appointment.

The core issue that is being trigger is complex. I was told on my 16th birthday by a cousin that my mother had been raped and beaten by my father and that was how I was conceived. As a child as early as 3 or 4 years old, I was clear as to how things were. As a child, my mother would tell me the story of being born. I was told this story often. When I was born, the doctor, who delivered me, said I was a beautiful baby and he wanted to adopt me. My mother would tell me in a disgusted tone, that she said to the doctor, “no, I have to take her. What would the neighbors think if I return home without a baby”. And that is the happy story I was told over and over and over. I could sense at a very early age that I didn’t fit in. I was told by my youngest brother, who was 7 years older than me, that this isn’t my family and no one wants me. My father would have nothing to do with me or even look at me. His preference was that I was not in the same room as him, as he told me, “I can’t stand to look at your face. When I look at you I see your mother and you sicken me. And don’t want to be in the same room as you. If you see me in a room don’t bother coming in.” BTW, both of my parents were violent alcoholics. So I had no interaction with my father and I feared him greatly for numerous reasons! As for my mother, she wasn’t there emotionally, she didn’t hug me, I was never shown the skills of how to cope, make friends, the basic skills that a child develops in the early years of development or provide any nurturing. By the time I was 5, I knew that I was the only one I could depend on for protection and needed to take care of myself. I got my first job a 5 years old. I would walk 7 blocks to the corner store and pick up the garbage in the parking lot by hand. I did this twice a week and was paid 10 cents. I approached the owner of the store and suggested this job. My mother never attending any school events, take me out on Halloween, anything that a parent is to do. Her explanation was that she had done all of this things with my 3 older brother and she didn’t want to do it again. My brothers were 18 years older, 15 years older and 7 years older. There weren’t even pictures of me as a baby or as a child. When I asked why the response was that my dad had taken the film to be developed and couldn’t remember where he took the film for development. I would lie in bed every night and think about my real family who was out there somewhere looking for me. I would think about when they found me, they would take me away from these people. That is the main trigger, but it grows. We were not allowed to have friends or interact with others because they might notice something wrong in our house. I spent my childhood alone, no friends, no love from the family, living in a fight or flight mode 24/7. It was drilled into us that if we showed ANY emotions, we would regret it. So I learned to be a good little girl and be very quiet and do my best to blend into the wall. That was safe for me. I grew up and this was how I behaved and I was so shy that I became terrified if someone approached me. By the time I was a teenager, my coping mechanism was to act like a bitch so that people would stay away from me. I was terrified of everything and this lasted until I was close to 30 years old. My middle brother was the love of my life!! I looked up to him and he was hero in my years from 3-5 years old. He was the only one who made sure I had food and was taken care of.

About a week after my mother died and I was 28, I saw my Middle brother very briefly for about 30 minutes. He filled me in on a piece of information and helped put a couple of puzzle pieces together. My parents would take off without telling anyone and my brothers would be left alone for days to take care of themselves and many times there was no food or diapers for me. One particular time, my middle brother, who was 15 and I was about 6 months (as per his telling me this) returned home after school to find no one home and me crying in a crib and a soiled diaper. He was left to clean me up and take care of me. He missed school a lot, as he had to take care of me because there was no one home. The oldest brother joined the navy one week after I was born. My parent told me the story that he joined the navy when I was born because he wanted nothing to do with me. I was 5 years old and I didn’t know any better to think it was a lie because it fit in based on how I was treated (these things added to the main trigger). As a matter of fact, I cut ties with my brothers over 20 years ago and it was only in the past 6 months that I knew that my brother didn’t join the navy for any reason that had to do with me. My 35 year old son gave my phone number to my brothers because he was mad at me because he couldn’t bully me and I wouldn’t allow him to verbally abuse me. He has a drug problem and I have used tough love with him since this started when he was 15. I have boundaries and implement them. So my oldest brother called me about 6 months ago and I was angry! He could tell that I was cold on the phone. I was blunt and told him why I didn’t like him and want anything to do with him based on the story of him joining the navy. He was upset to hear me tell me this! He had no idea I had been told this. I’m 56 and found this out 6 months ago. All of these contribute to the trigger, but it wasn’t the trigger the other night night with the man that I been talking to you about. The trigger that has set all of this in play was an event was I was 6 years old. My middle brother, who I loved so much was getting married. I remember the details, the date, year, etc., as if it was today. Even typing this is setting me off and I’m crying. I was so proud that at the reception, my brother wanted to dance with me. He held me in his arms and danced with me while people who were standing around just looked on. I was so proud and felt so special to be in his arms having everyone looking at us. While he was dancing with me, I told him that I was ready to go with him. He asked me what I was talking about and I said that I packed my things and that I’m ready to come and live with him and how excited I was! I was ready to leave with him that night. He told me that I couldn’t go with him. At that moment while he was talking to me, I didn’t feel special, it was as if no one was looking at us anymore. He said that he was married now and that he was going to start a life with his new bride. My heart was crushed, but since we were not allowed to express emotion, I didn’t cry. I did my best to behave like a proper little girl. I watched him leave his reception with his new bride and was now faced with having to return with these people. It never occurred to me that I wasn’t going with him. Now I had to find a way to cope and take care of myself and look out for the violence, etc.

So when I asked my ex-boyfriend out on a date and he quickly replied NO and the tone that my ears heard the word, my emotions were set off. At the time, I didn’t make the connection to the link of that memory. It made me feel unwanted, dirty, not loved, disgusted – all of the words and feelings I was told and felt from my parents. It wasn’t until I met this man (my ex) that I had my first experience of all the things that I had been missing all those years!

I was told by my mom as a teenager that I was not every going to get married or have a life because it was my responsibility to take care of her in the lifestyle she wants to be accustomed to…I owed her. I was told this over and over. I never wanted to get married and have kids because I wanted to be free. I was getting more and more pressure and so I got married at 19 to a guy who I didn’t like. We actually hated each other, but it was how I was going to get out. My ex-boyfriend had all of the qualities that I had written down and was looking for in a person to have a long relationship with, but not marry. I needed my space. He went above and beyond what I was looking for or could have even imagined. He was encouraging, supportive and many more amazing qualities and I fell in love with him. He is the first and only man that I have ever loved. I had no intention of falling in love, ever. I had a thick, high wall up for protection and no one ever came close to it. Without my being aware, he brought down that wall a little at a time. I was not living in a fight or flight mode 24/7 around him, he believed in me in every way, he was proud of me, he would tell me these things, send me flowers at least once a month and cards. He treated my like a lady and with respect. I learned much from him. He was my role model. I felt safe, strong and smart enough to return to high school and finish grade 10-12 and graduate and receive my diploma. During the time that we were in a relationship, I learned about who Bonnie was. I had no idea of my personality or interests, as that wasn’t possible before. I found myself and I liked who I was…a funny and kind person who was intelligent. I have never felt safe with anyone else and still don’t now. I was able to trust him and take what were chances to me and experience life for the first time. I knew that he would not put me in danger. I only feel like my true self when I am talking with him or we spend time together. I even found the strength to do things that I never thought about before him. I put myself through college and triple majored while caring for my two children 3 and 5. He provided an experience to everything and he is extremely positive. He has had a major impact on my life and who I am and how I have grown throughout the years. I have not been able to be myself or talk to even my adult children about anything because they use it against me to hurt me when they are angry and can’t manipulate me. I don’t trust anyone else on the planet. I live in a state of fear at all time. Nothing like before, but enough to be on the look out for danger.

His saying No triggered all those feelings from childhood! I’m scared! I’m overwhelmed emotionally and can’t stop crying, but not the normal cry. I can’t stop the tears from flowing…there are so many tears that it’s like pouring water down my face. I can’t catch my breath and when I was talking to him on the phone the other night, I couldn’t talk because I couldn’t catch my breath. I’m trembling non-stop not shaking. I can’t find the right words for how my mind feels…it’s blank and full at the same time. When I begin to cry it gets so bad that I get scared because it’s out of my control and so intense it feels like I’m coming out of my skin and it continues to increase. I want to get out of my skin and get away from this feeling. I have no one to talk to and call. I have no one to see and get a hug and have human contact. I am completely alone in my basement suite with my emotions. I am afraid to go to sleep, but I don’t know why. Maybe I feel that I won’t fall asleep or have nightmares as I did for the first 3 weeks every single night. When I wake up, I don’t want to wake up. I just want to sleep. Within about 15 minutes of waking up the trembling starts. I have been meditating, try to watch my breath a few times a day (especially when the crying begins) I write 5 things I’m grateful for each day and read affirmations about myself. I have lived my life to appreciate the simple things in life and live in the moment. I have changed from an angry and negative person to someone is rarely gets mad and is positive.

I was diagnosed with acute anxiety and depression 12 years ago and have been taking medication daily since then, as well as seeing a psychiatrist, enrolling in programs and courses that pertain to my diagnosis, self help, etc. I made the decision a few days ago to take a half a tablet of a sedative as needed during the day. I don’t want to use it as a crutch. I have dealt with everything head on in my life for the last 29 years. I know you understand as you too indicated you have been in counselling. I have addressed a great deal of my childhood traumas in and out of counselling, written letters to the people and burned them, journal, sit with an empty chair and have the conversation with the person who caused the trauma and then switch chairs and pretend to be that person and respond. I have learned and used many different methods throughout the years. I have not even thought about not trying something. I have tried EFT as well. As for what do I say when the anxiety comes up, I can’t think. It’s as if I’m frozen or in shock. When I cry, I get scared and begin to feel my body wants to rip open my skin and I want to scrub my body in the shower to make it go away. This was the response that I had when I was told of how I was conceived and I felt this way for a long time. It was at that time, I asked my mother if I could go to a counselor because I couldn’t function and her reply was no because I was being ridiculous and I should just get over it. After a great deal of looking back, I realized that I was depressed and had anxiety as a child, but I just didn’t know it. Much of what I am feeling now, I experienced when I was 11 years old. I couldn’t go to school for weeks. All I could do was lie on the couch, shake so much that I felt as if my body was vibrating off of the couch, cry the same way as I am now, sick to my stomach, no appetite, etc. It was set off by my parents, alcohol, violence, having my mom come into my bed when I was asleep when my dad was beating her in hope that he would stop beating her. It didn’t stop him, he would be beating her in my bed with me in it. After he left the room, I would sneak out of my room (and make sure I wasn’t seen otherwise he would come back) to get a wet face cloth and towel and make my way back to the bedroom. I would comfort my mom, remove the torn, bloody clothing, wash the blood of her face and body and out of her hair. I would find something to dress her in and put her into bed all while she was crying and shaking. I would pull the covers up and put my little arm around her and tell her it was going to be ok and either rub her back or hair until she would fall asleep – unless my dad returned to start beating her again. Then, I would eventually fall asleep and then get up for school in the morning and act like nothing happened. My dad beat my mother, tried to kill her and us, stab my brother, blow up the house with us in it…every night! He was an angry drunk! That takes a lot out of a kid. So by the time I will 11 years old, it broke me. My mom said my nerves were making me sick – a nervous breakdown is what she told me. It was at that time that my dad wanted to sit in room with me and ask me questions and have a conversation with me about why I was sick and what I really thought of him. There was another time in 2000, I was working full-time, commuting to work 2-3 hours a day to work, single parent, working a part time job 3 evenings a week, teaching Sunday school, singing in the choir and taking care of my family and all the bills. There was an event at high school with my daughter, which pushed me over the edge (my words). I was feeling like I am now and I couldn’t go to work for over a month. All I could do was cry and shake and my emotions were highly sensitive. I am not working as I have been on a medical leave for 5 years due to anxiety and depression.

I am a logical person and I need to know the reason and have the answers to questions in order to understand and learn to be able to move on. I know that I shouldn’t care why I come up in topic, but it does matter to me. I need to understand why. I know that there is no chance to be with this man and I don’t want to be with someone who would treat me in this manner. In my opinion, he was having an affair based on what his timeline is. I would never want to be with someone who does that. I am even more aware that he is insecure and he needed to run to a relationship rather than address it and feel the emotions and work them out in counseling or whatever way. I am stronger because I have done that to free myself and be a happier person. I do have boundaries and I do love myself and do kind things for myself. I am constantly working on improving myself in all areas of my life. I asked him to tell me about her because friends share with each other. My thought was if wee are friends, I can’t go around pretending this part of his life doesn’t exist. That would be lying to myself and pretending as if he wasn’t in a relationship. I analyze everything and need to understand what it all means. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he has already bought an engagement ring. I can see that he is trying to find something to hold on to in his life and he can do that if he wants, but he is the only one who will have to live with the results…not me. I didn’t expect that we would jump into a relationship, but I did want the opportunity to go out on a few dates to see if we are compatible and if I still see him in the same light. thought it would be best to do that and take it from there. When you use the word “fantasy” it upsets me and makes me feel embarrassed, hurt and that I don’t look at reality. There were many years that we didn’t date and were only friends. I have never experienced love with anyone else and was never broken up with by anyone else. I didn’t know that, as an adult, if I fell in love with someone that it was possible to not be loved back. That was a shock to me and I still have trouble wrapping my head around that. This tells you how inexperienced I am in a relationship. He was the only real relationship I ever had. I have gone on to live my life for many years with not having him as a boyfriend and grown in many ways. I married a second time, but that too was for the wrong reasons, which I was aware of. I got married for the second time because my first husband’s father was dying. In the divorce from my first husband, I got his family and he was disowned…very long story. So this man, my ex-father-in-law had been my father, the one that I never had, but was blessed to finally get. I went home for Christmas (the first ex-husband’s parents home), as I do every year and brought a boyfriend. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law said in front of my father-in-law that it would be great if I got married to my boyfriend! It would give my dad a reason to continue to live. I had just learned hours earlier when I arrived that they had lied to us and that his cancer wasn’t in remission, but rather he had been given a year to live and that was just over a year ago. I could see that he was very ill and looked like he wouldn’t be with us very long. They kept going on and on in front of my dad and getting more excited about how this would be wonderful and bring the entire family together. I was feeling so much pressure and remained quite. They won’t let it go and took me aside and they were crying and wanted dad to have something to look forward to and live for. So out of guilt and because of love my dad with all my heart, I agreed to arrange a wedding in 2 months, in another city, church, hotel and arrangements for out of town guest and a total of 100 people in attendance, wedding attire, flowers, receptions, the entire formal wedding. I planned a complete wedding in less than two months. I married a man that I didn’t want to date anymore and was going to break up with when we returned home. I also joke that it is easy to get married because I don’t like the guys or care for them, but to go on a coffee date is a serious commitment in my eyes. I could get married anytime because I see it as a punishment for myself. I do listen to my stomach and as for my mind it is blank thoughts. I’m not re-thinking what was said between the two of them. Yes, that would make me crazy! I am doing my best to take care of myself though this and that is why eating healthy, meditating, gratitudes, etc, are a daily part of my life. My writing down what is wrong with his choices and actions allows me to stop thinking about it in my head because I’m journaling it and seeing it for the truth, which I don’t agree with and see the respect that I have lost for him because of how, when and why he handled this situation, which could have been handled better. I will not be asking any more about his new girlfriend.

But why can’t I be with someone I love, why can’t I have someone love me back, why can’t I be happy in a relationship? How come he gets to live his life the way he wants, but I can’t? How come he can be happy and I can’t. Why can he date who ever he wants and I can’t. I will write a letter to him and keep it. I can’t even get mad at him and that has always been the case. Why can’t I get mad? Logically I think it would be good in order to release the fact that he is in a relationship with someone else (who has the same traits as me!, logically which means he loves her, but not me even though we share the same traits. ) This type of thing makes me upset because I analyze situations and what is said and logical. Today, I did something that I have never done and it’s out of my comfort zone. I joined a dating app for the very first time. I was terrified creating the profile and that some guys would be looking at my picture. I’m very picky about what I like. I’m kinda creeped out by men wanting to chat. The reason I did this was to punish myself because I’m hurting.

I would like to continue to work with you as well a therapist. Is that possible? I need to find out how to get over his and I don’t know how to do that. I’m sorry my email is so long, but I think this will be of help.

thank you
Bonnie

[Bonnie W]

Hi Heidi,

I would prefer to just have you as a coach. Due to the trigger I am dealing with, passing me over to someone else contributes to that trigger.

I appreciate you looking over my text that you were unable to read. The last few days have been extremely intense with regard to emotions and the lack of ability to control them. That being said, I have been kind to myself to relax and rest as much as possible.

I look forward to hearing back from you.

Thank you
Bonnie

[Bonnie W]

Hi Kanya,

I am confused by some of your recommendations/suggestions. I will review your reply a few more times and see if I can understand what you’re getting at.

I don’t mean to come across rude. Is there a reason why Heidi has passed my text on to you? I was confiding in her and opening myself up, sharing and creating a level of trust.

I do have questions that I would like to ask Heidi, but if I’m understanding you, you would like me to contact a therapist.

Please let me know if you don’t want me to text anymore.

Thank you
Bonnie

[Bonnie W]

Hi Heidi,

I wanted to update you on my conversation as evening with my guy. I was able to get through everything that I had written down and wanted to say. I was very nervous and scared to talk to him just before making a call for some reason I just thought he’d be mad at me. But I know that is my insecurity and not really how he feels. So I was able to share with him all my feeling and questions and ask him if he would answer them for me. I indicated that if he didn’t want to answer them that I would have to except that. I shared this was going to be a difficult process for me and that I would do my best not to cry. I let him know that I’ve been extremely anxious, not able to sleep, eat, concentrate, focus on anything and crying intensely for long periods of time and really out of sorts. He could tell that from the way I was on the phone, scattered and not able to catch my breath. He told me to take my time and take a deep breath. I had to do that a number of times during this conversation.

I began the conversation by letting him know that all of the information that he provided to me during the last call was an information overload. That once the call ended I felt like I was in shock. But I wasn’t able to get my thoughts straight but at the same time my emotions were intense and I was crying for quite a long length of time. I told him that in a way it was good because it allowed me to relieve some of the pain and I want to be able to continue to do that so that I can process the situation. I told him that it would make more sense as I went along. He was very attentive polite and had kind words to say.I let them know the process that I went through was to sit quietly alone with no sound and be in my feelings and allow those feelings to come up however they may and for however long that would take and that doing something of that intensity can be quite frightening. I let him know that everything that he had said that night, all the thoughts are jumbled together filling my head and the only thing that kept running in the foreground was him saying NO over and over again. I explained how this is taking a great deal out of me as I’m not sleeping for days at a time, no appetite, no energy, can’t concentrate, high anxiety and so many other things. It was obvious from the very beginning to the very end of our conversation that it’s difficult for me and he could hear it in my voice, he could hear it in my trying to hold back my tears, he could hear it in the panic in my voice, as well as my trying to talk while crying so heavily and not able to get the words out. I needed to stop numerous times to catch my breath, take a drink of water and compose myself. He was very patient and understanding to my situation, as well as encouraged me to stop and take a deep breath. He knew that this was big and I needed to Get everything said he was willing to participate. There were times during the conversation where I tried to lighten the mood by trying to make a little joke, but it was difficult to do that as well.

We talked about how he was doing now that he has a house to myself and he shared a bit more with me and the information that I’ve asked pertaining to the recent split from his long-term girlfriend. He sounds like he is returning back to be himself and happy again.

Next I talked with him about asking him out on a date and how much out of my comfort zone that put me, as well as I felt vulnerable. I let him know that I felt stupid for asking and I was very embarrassed that I had done that because of his response. He said that he could sense when I asked him out that I was embarrassed by his reply. He indicated it wasn’t his intention, but he could pick up on it definitely.

I then proceeded to talk to him about the woman he is seeing now. I tried to be very gentle about the topic and indicated that I want to see him be happy, but not at the expense of getting lost in a relationship especially one built on a common denominator where it’s both people who have had a breakdown of the relationship and are separating. As I began to get a bit more into that conversation, he stopped me and said that this woman is his girlfriend! Immediately my stomach felt very sick and it was turning I just didn’t feel good at all at that point. He asked me if I wanted to know about her. My response was well I might as well because she’s gonna be in your life I might as well here it. By this time, I’m thinking how can this woman be his girlfriend when he doesn’t move very fast and he’s cautious about getting into a relationship. He only just ended his long term relationship at the beyond November. He informed me that they were dating 40 years ago when he was 17 and she was 19. This was his first love he told me and she was the one that got away. So he gave me more detail about what that meant. She had wanted to settle down and have kids and he wasn’t even close to being ready for something like that. And so he as he put it, in my words, and he repeated again that they were my words as I had to use those words on him, “ran away from her”. He was still in love with her but scared to settle down so he ran away. He told me they reconnected a year and a half ago and have been communicating ever since. He even went as far to say she’s the one he’s going to spend the rest of his life with and that he is sure of. As you can imagine that wasn’t something I really needed to hear. I felt heartbroken it was really hard to hear. He said that she hasn’t changed at all since they dated back 40 years ago and that she is the same person she was back then. That may be true, but I would think a person would grow over 40 years and they’re not gonna be the exact same person they were especially as a teenager. That being said this showed numerous red flags. First, it made me think, I know he is not the kind of man who would cheat in a relationship; however the fact that he was living with this woman who he was in a relationship with and without her knowledge having a relationship through communication for a year and a half with someone he is in love with and his live in girlfriend had no knowledge of. I don’t think he truly understood the fact that just because sex wasn’t involved, his love for her was and I’m certain that was communicated between them and that it was a secret. So many red flags, but I decided to not say anything at the moment because I don’t think it would’ve been heard the way it was meant to be. So for now I will keep that to myself, but I will have that conversation with him later down the road. Another interesting fact, that he mentioned, was when he went back east, to where he was raised, he knew he was going to meet up with this woman and that by meeting up with her that would be the deciding factor. Since it is a long distance relationship and she lives three provinces away they will be going back-and-forth to see each other. But he did say once she retires in two years, she will be moving out here. Something I found quite unusual was that he mentioned me in conversation with the new girlfriend. He proceeded to tell me that they talked about me, which surprised me quite a bit and I wasn’t sure what to say about it. He was telling her about his vehicles because he has a number of them, he collects them and works on them. But he said that she was asking about his vehicles. That alone told me that something wasn’t quite right. There’s another red flag. To me it came across as if he was telling me this information to see how I would respond, as well as indicating that “they” were talking about me. I’ve never met the woman, have no idea who she is and yet he indicates “they”talked about me. Again, he mentioned that a particular vehicle that he told her about belonged to Bonnie. Immediately she said who is Bonnie? It was apparent that she wanted to know who this Bonnie was and she wasn’t very pleased. He also indicated that she wanted to know about his ex girlfriends. And that is where I came up and they were talking about me. Indicated that we were in a relationship romantically for quite some time and now we’re friends and we remain friends for close to 20 years and that we talk on the phone but it’s just a friendship. I see a red flag and the fact that a woman who is in her late 50s wants to ask an adult male also in his 50s about his ex girlfriends. That seems more of a high school type behaviour and in my opinion, and so that shows me she has some insecurity and there is a control issue/trust issue she may have. I just sense something more to all of this than what I was being told. I said it was kind of odd how I would come up in conversation while he’s on vacation. He found my response to be strange for me to ask that. His response was so you think that you’re not important enough to come up in conversation? It was then that he explained the conversation they had about his ex-girlfriend’s and his cars. So he proceeded to tell me that they had to talked and he reassured her it would go no further just friends…he stressed that it would go no further to me a number of times on the phone. To which I replied, “you know that’s not the type of person I am. I don’t get involved with somebody Who is in a relationship.” He agreed with me knowing that I’m not that type of woman. But again, I felt that there was something more to this even though he was saying it to me out loud and said it a few times, it was almost as if he was saying it for himself as well. So that seemed very telling to me. I know him quite well and I’m able to read him when he says something and whether it means he just needs it to be out there and maybe I’ll ask questions about it so that we can talk about it, but this is one of those times and I’ll just have to see what comes of our future conversations around that. I jokingly said well I guess I have a new friend and then I jokingly said, “is she my new stalker friend”. His response was interesting, in the sense, that he really paid attention to the word stalker in almost a scary kind of way so that again showed me another red flag that this woman really doesn’t is insecure and has a trust and control issues. So that being said, I really hope things go well in the future because I can see her trying to put an end to our communication. Odd thing is the last two days I’ve been getting a call from an unknown number, I don’t pick up calls like that and no message was left each time there was a call.

I definitely got the impression that he had decided before he was going to break up with the live in girlfriend that he was going to make sure there was someone else for him before he ended the relationship. Which shows a level of low self-esteem and he’s not dealing with some of his own issues. Which is very sad because he is a really great guy and so many ways and he doesn’t give himself enough credit for that. It does upset me at the same time that he would play women in that way because they don’t know really that this is taking place. I did ask him if if his recent ex girlfriend was aware of a brand new girlfriend so quick after their split. Any nervous kind of voice he indicated no she didn’t know that but she would soon find out in time.

I feel good about getting this conversation dealt with on the phone and we covered everything I wanted to discuss and all the changes that are going on in his life with his job. I did fill him in on the childhood trauma and how he was the trigger not the core and he understood what I was getting at so he was able to now understand why I had so much emotion on the phone the last time we spoke. And he said that made complete sense to feel that way given all the information he was giving me and how it was touching into my life and triggering things. He did apologize to me a number of times for different things he’s taken responsibility for during that conversation and he also was kind and compassionate and there for me telling me what I needed to hear and what I’ve never been told about those situations. When I told him the facts and he said it made complete sense at that point. After two hours, we ended up getting off the phone, but I said I’d call him in about a week or so as I still want to work a bit more of this througH and he’s ok with that.

Aside from all the tears during the call, feeling sick, scared and nervous to get through it, I did it! I didn’t want to end the conversation. I was exhausted and had that feeling when you’ve lost someone and you’ve been told of their death and something comes over a person where it feels almost like a zombie walking around when something like that happens. And that is exactly how I felt after getting off the phone. I still feel so much sadness anxiety, confusion, poor concentration, trembling, nightmares, no sleep, no appetite and crying intensely in a way I’m not used to at all times day and night. I am not able to stop crying. I’ve been taking something for sleeping and to calm my nerves it helps take the edge off, but doesn’t really help me go to sleep or reduce the crying. After the call today, I don’t want to go to sleep. I’m afraid to go to sleep because I just feel that all those emotions are gonna start to come up and I’m gonna begin to cry not able to stop.

I would appreciate your feedback on this email, especially my name coming up in conversation. Thank you for helping me through this. Are you still able to help me work on getting through this? I would like to continue communicating if it’s ok with you. I’m confused and alone.

Thank you
Bonnie

[Bonnie W]

Hi Heidi,

Yes, I understood after getting off of the phone with my guy that he was the trigger and not the CORE cause. I am still very upset about the conversation that took place and that he just wants to be friends. I do know that the majority of what I’m experiencing in a childhood trauma. After nearly 30 years of intense counseling and putting in the hard work, I had been feeling that I had reached a place inside that held the answers to the last piece of the puzzle. I had an idea of what the topic was, but didn’t know how to access it. Strange but I had written in a journal 20 years ago the very event and the link that I saw it had with my guy. I guess at the time, I was unable to fully access the event from my childhood the way I am able to do so now. I will try your exercise. I’m willing to try anything to give my inner child a voice and free her of what she has been carrying for decades. In the past, when my emotions come up, I know it’s an indication that the inner child feels safe enough to bring up the feelings. I then make the time to sit in silence with my eyes closed and focus on my breath. However, it has never been this intense! While I have my eyes closed, I bring to internally talk with my inner child as if I was her mother. It takes time to coax her out of the shades, but eventually I am able to have her approach me at her own pace and only when she is ready. She is an extremely traumatized little girl with no trust in a fight or flight mode. I ask easy questions and try to earn the trust so that I can at least hold her hand to help through the experience. Sometimes, this can take a half hour and other times, it can take hours to work out the entire time the event is being heard, validated and ready to release. By the end, I’m completely drained physically, mentally and emotionally. I continue to sit in silence for some time and allow the emotions to continue until I can’t cry them out any longer. So I will definitely try this method, as this last piece of the puzzle is the core, major event. Since the event revolves around not being wanted and not being loved from birth and told in great detail daily with disgust, it is going to be extremely intense. I live alone and don’t have family that I can talk to about this, no friends aside from my guy who knows most of my story. I really want to see him to get a hug and help me work on this piece of the puzzle I’m going through. He has always been there for me during those times and I can open up to him. I feel vulnerable and definitely need support.

On the matter of my guy situation, I have been aware of what you are saying since 1992 and I have shared this with him many times while we had lengthy discussions where he has opened up as much as he possible could. He has even asked, “why do I stick around?” and in the past, when we were dating, he said that even though his instinct was to push me away, he wanted me to not leave his side and remind him of the conversation and that I wasn’t going anywhere. I sent him a one sentence text last night, as my lengthy two texts over the past three weeks went unreturned. I politely texted, “Hi and his name, can I call you Thursday at 7pm? Facetime?” He replied at 5:20 am this morning and said, Hi Ms.B (that’s his nickname for me), call me at that time is fine. Take care.” Just a side note: my car license plate is MDL and he likes anagrams. He said to me during a call one night, “do you know what the MDL on your license plate stands for?” of course, I didn’t and his reply was, “my dear lady”. When he sees the license plate, he thinks of me and that is the anagram he made for it. Kinda sweet…just trying to give you a kind and caring side of him. A few hours later I replied with, “Thanks, have a nice day :)” So it seems his is ok, as his tone in texting has not changed. I live on the west coast in Canada so I will be calling and chatting with him about how his week has been, etc. and then asking if I can read what I wasn’t able to say during our last call, as it was overwhelming to get so much information all at once. In the past, he has been more than accommodating to hear me out and participate in the conversation. He is extremely patience! One of the questions that I have for him pertains in a way to what you wrote. His relationship was with an older woman who had traits and issues, that from what he has told me, are very much similar to his mom. I knew from day one this relationship was more about him working through some of those issues, even though he wasn’t aware of it.

I have spent so much time these last couple of days listening to the audio of this course, reading along and making notes. I have also been opening all of the emails I’m receiving from the course and reading each and every one of them and listening to all the videos, as well as listening to audio mini courses that are in the program. I am trying to educate myself and try to understand things from a male perspective. I have decided that I will continue to move forward, but I will begin to implement some of the information from the course such as the hero instinct. I have done some of the things from the beginning of our relationship 29 years ago and still use them, but I will implement information specifically about the hero instinct that I’m learning from the the course. I struggle with how to relate the “provider” instinct, as I can’t wrap my head around anything other than it being a monetary provider. I am hoping that in time, he will see with his own heart that I am someone he wants to date. I will leave it in his hands and do my best not to take control and try to convince him. It has to come from him and only him. However, it is definitely time to make changes to how I am approaching our friendship and how it has grown and developed through the years, as have I. In my situation and trying to strengthen it with my guy, how can I apply the 3 things that drive a man: meaningful achievement, provider and respect? I understand how to utilize the respect drive, but not clear on how to apply the other two based on where we are in our “friendship”, which I hope to build upon. One thing that I do have in my favor is that I am able to be my true self with him. I feel safe to be vulnerable, silly, etc. with him and know that he accepts me for who I am. I also am interested in many of his interests, which vary, but some are motorcycles, classic cars and car shows, semi and B-train trucks, sporting events and the list goes on. So we do have much to talk about, but I want to spend more time talking about him and the major changes that are taking place in his life. One of them being his job is ending in January, as the company was sold and so he may be looking at retiring a year early. I want to hear more about what he wants in his life in the next couple of years that pertain to his needs and wants, as well as support him in his job, as I have always done and encourage him to go after his dreams and goals! I have always been his cheerleader and will remain so! I would appreciate your feedback and anything that could help with next chapter of my journey with him. I’m going to stay positive with regard to a possibility for dating in the future, as he is going through a great deal of growth and change, as am I now that I understand he was the trigger to me finding my inner peace.

thank you
Bonnie

[Bonnie W]

Hi, I was a divorced mom with 2 kids 5 years old and 3 years old. I was living up north, but my mother was dying and so I returned to be there in his last days, as she was only given a week. After her passing and my separation within days, I made the decision not to return to where I was living, as I had only been there a few months. This left me a single mom, homeless, no money and no job. This was the beginning of my working on my childhood traumas. Growing up, we were not allowed to express emotions, have friends as they would see what our family situation was. We were expected to be on our own and emotionless, but there was so much more. After my mom died, I felt I had hit rock bottom and decided to put myself in therapy to work through all of the trauma, dysfunction, etc. for the first 28 years of my life. I put myself into the most extensive therapy I could twice a week for well over a year. Then I continued to remain in therapy and other counseling to address the issues. I have been untangling all of the past for close to 30 years and I believe that I have now reached to core of the dysfunction and put it behind me. Throughout this time, I did not look to alcohol, drugs, men, etc. for a fix. I dove in and did the hard work. Now I have emotions that are at times over sensitive and I think it is because I have done the hard work and I face all situations head on. I don’t leave others wondering where I stand. Part of this, is that I am a logical person and feel the need to express what I’m feeling in order to resolve the issue at hand and move forward. This has played a major role in how I am open to communicating with my ex-boyfriend. This information may be helpful to my ex.

We dated for about a year and we lived in different cities. He also worked a long distance job and was away 2-3 weeks at a time. So when he was home, he would come to see me and I would go to see him. While he was away working, we communicated via phone. Which I found to be great because it allowed us to talk and get to know each other. Since I was in counseling (he was completely aware of my divorce, death in the family, no job, finding a home, etc. and extremely supportive and helpful throughout it), I addressed everything upfront and didn’t mince words.

Just before we broke up, he was talking about not being away from me for so long and being together more. By this time, I had expressed that I loved him and as I stated, I had never expressed any kind of emotion before this. It was a wonderful feeling and I was not experienced with dating or such intense wonderful emotions, so much so that I didn’t know that if you loved a person that they wouldn’t love you back. Then out of the blue, he said that he didn’t want to see me anymore and that it was him and not me, which I didn’t believe at the time. He wanted his freedom and to go out with friend party and not have responsibility (he had never lived with a girlfriend and he was 29 and no kids). I was crushed!! For the first time in my life, I was experiencing my emotions. He was the only person who I trusted in my entire life and I could share everything with him and it was safe. So going through a breakup, which I had never experience such as this one, it was so difficult! He was the person that I turned to and cry on the phone for hours about the breakup and even in person. He was the person who held me while I cried and comforted me through our breakup. I would go to his place for weekends and he would do the same. This went on for about 5 or 6 months and then one night at his place, we discussed getting back together again, which I would bring up not him. He shared with me that he was scared and that is why he broke it off, he was getting too close and attached and he wasn’t ready, not to mention scared of it. He told me that night, “he could get lost in me” and that was a huge statement from him. He had been a momma’s boy growing up and his mom had alcohol and fidelity issues and left the family. This caused him to close down and not deal with the emotions. I could sense his low self-esteem, etc. at the beginning of our relationship. As a matter of fact, I confronted him with why he was not able to completely let his guard down. I told him that I believed that since his mother abandoned him as a child, he feels like there is no woman who will love him or not leave him. So he kept his heart guarded. I could relate because our childhoods were similar in so many ways and I too had a wall up until I met him. We would sit for hours and discuss these heavy issues and over a great deal of time, he could see that I wasn’t going anywhere and trusted me to share and I shared with him as well. He would eventually tell me that all of the heavy topics we discussed about having a wall up, fear, trust, etc. were right. I was right about all of it. Yet, he was spooked. We stayed together for about 6 months and then he ran again. He was still working on the road and wasn’t ready to settle down, as he was a single guy with no kids or responsibility and I was a single mom putting myself through college. Again it broke my heart. But he was still there as I indicated above. We still spent time together as indicated above, but no “title of a relationship” so in a way nothing really changed and I was ok with not having “titles”. We were together off and on for almost 10 years.

When I moved to the city he lived in, he let me stay at his place for a month while looking for a job and place to live. We would talk on the phone for hours, as he was working on the road. He was even home for a couple of weeks during that time and so we were living in the same space. He treated me like his girlfriend and took me everywhere he went, even though I didn’t expect it of him. If a male friend (who was married) helped me move, he would behave distance and shut down. It was as if he was jealous, yet there was nothing going on and he didn’t want a girlfriend.

He has been there for 29 years even through his relationships. I have always been blunt about the red flags that I saw in the women he would be involved with and he told me that he appreciated my honesty. When the relationships would end, he would tell me that I was right about what I was saying were red flags and why the relationships won’t work and he will end up being hurt. I tell you this not to be right, but for you to understand that I am able to see what the red flags are and I accept reality.

His last relationship went through a rough time a couple of years ago and he was ending it. He was calling me every other night and we would talk for hours. I told him that I didn’t feel comfortable taking things any further until he told his girlfriend that the relationship was ending. He was nervous to have the conversation with her because it makes him uncomfortable and he doesn’t like confrontation, but I insisted he have the conversation. Side note, this woman is 9 years older than him and has a major alcohol problem. I could see the signs from day one and told him that I saw a lot of red flags. I didn’t tell him that I thought he was working out the issues with him mom, but I will be having that conversation when we speak next. They were together for 7 years. So when he had the conversation with him, she manipulated him and new what his weaknesses are. She convinced him to work on the relationship and he felt obligated. So when he told me, I was furious! I emailed him and told him what I thought of him and the disrespect for using me to feel better about himself. I told him that I had lost trust and respect for him and that I wanted to arrange a time to discuss the situation on the phone. We did have the conversation for a couple of hours and I didn’t let it go. I let him know for quite some time that I was still not trusting him and he would have to earn that and my trust back. He apologized for causing me so much pain. We continued to talk, he even came to my house one time because I was very upset during a phone call and trying no to try and he suggest that he come to town and see me. He could sense that I really needed to talk with him about a matter. We’ve seen each other and gone to lunch over the last couple of years, as he lived 2 hours away. During that time, I made it clear that I don’t want to be put in that position again of getting hurt when he breaks up with her and that I will be here for him, but don’t blur the lines. A couple of weeks ago, he called and we talked about some very emotional topics, which caused me to cry on the phone and we talked out the cause for my tears. During that call, he said he had good news and told me that he had ended the relationship and she had moved out. We talked about what the cause was and how he was finding himself again. He also mentioned that when he went back east to see family and friends and clear his head to decide what he wanted to do in the relationship and to be happy again, he ran into an old girlfriend from high school (many of his friends still live in the area and all stay in touch). Anyhow, she happened to just end a marriage and was going through the emotions, etc. He started talking with her and they shared what each of them was going through. So he found someone to lean on other than me for the type of support he was looking for. He said he was “kind of seeing her” and I said, “do tell” and in a timid voice he said that he didn’t want to, but I said that since he brought it up, there is no closing the door on this. I asked if he was going to move back east and he said no. I asked if she was going to be moving out here to be with him and his reply was no and that she had a child in school. I was clear about what I thought of this “relationship” and told him that I hoped he don’t get caught up and into a relationship because your common link is you both are ending long term relationships. I wanted to ask him on a date, which made me feel vulnerable, as I hadn’t done this before. I told him that I wanted to ask him something, but I started to cry and became quite on the phone so he couldn’t hear me cry and there was silence for about a minute. During that silence, he said, “you know that you call talk to me about anything and you can tell me anything, which I know is true. Many more tears during the call after he said no to my asking him on a date. In my defense, I wasn’t ready to date him at this time because he recently got out of a long term relationship, but I wanted him to know that I still loved him and wanted to date again and see where it goes. He told me how sorry he was to make me cry, but that he needed to be upfront and honest. Funny thing is that he feels the very same about what it takes to be in a relationship and how to make the relationship work daily and that his relationships have lacked those important features. We are on the same page about so many things and we are very much the same in so many ways. I just decided to be honest and face the fears about loving him and wanting to have a real relationship. BTW, he hasn’t had a relationship with anyone, especially a woman for 29 years. I am the only female “friend” that he speaks with.

It might sound like I’m a fool, but I know in my soul there are deep feeling for me (he compares his girlfriend to me). I think that he still has an issue with feeling that a woman who is ready for a healthy relationship where both parties work on it daily scares him to death! That is why he keeps choosing the women he does and I will mention this as well during a conversation. Side note, I write down everything that I want to say and what I want to ask so that I don’t become overly emotional on the phone and can stay on topic and address the issues. He is used to this after all these years and opens up during the conversation, which can last up to 3 hours and as many times as I need to talk things out. When I ask him why he plays these games, I can hear in his voice and how he chooses his words very carefully and slowly that he doesn’t have an answer and that things I am saying to him and confronting him are true, but he isn’t ready to hear it.

I have sent him a text and asked him to let me know if Thursday evening is convenient to talk. I called him the day after our discussion, and he replied that he would try to call me the following night. I’m glad he didn’t because I was too emotional and he knows me well enough to know that even though I was to talk things out, I’m really too emotional. Hopefully, I will hear back from him otherwise I will have a few choice words for him via email. As for how I’m doing, I have been crying daily and not just crying, but so intense that I can feel the immense pain in my core. I cry for hours even though I am trying to hold it in and not lose it. I’m not thinking about what he said constantly. As a matter of fact, my mind is foggy, I can’t concentrate, focus, no interest almost as if I’m in shock. However, my emotions are so strong they are leading me. I know that the thought triggers the emotions, but in this case, I’m not thinking. I feel sick to my stomach, tremble a lot, it has triggered my anxiety disorder, I have no appetite, I can’t sleep and when I do it’s not for longer that 2-3 hours. I have nightmare every night about all kinds of things and normally I don’t have nightmares. I go days without sleep and many nights that I do get a couple of hours, I wake myself up front the heavy sobbing in my sleep. I never cry like this were I can’t catch my breath and I’m whimpering. I am trying to find the positive in the situation by telling myself that at least I am acknowledging and giving me emotions a safe place to speak rather than how it was when I was a child. I continue to write my daily gratitudes, read daily affirmations about the type of person I am and do my best to meditate a couple times a week, even though I should be doing it daily and I do focus on my breath to be present. It’s now 3.5 weeks and I’m still crying daily at least once a day. It just come on me and I can’t hold it back, as I can feel it in my entire body trying to release itself from the pain. Writing this email is difficult, but I know that I need to do work for myself to process and continue to grow and learn.

I am sorry this is a long email, but I wanted to be detailed. So this should give you an idea of what a phone call must be like with me. You replied that there is a lot to say about my situation. I would like to hear what else you want to say even though it may be difficult. Thank you for taking the time to help me during this time, it is much appreiciated.

Thank you, Bonnie

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