[Rebecca B]

Hi Heidi
Thanks so much for your response.
Yes, I get what you’re saying. I’m currently working on my boundaries and needs and really leaning in to that.
I’m a HSP (highly sensitive person) and a single mum of 4 and have spent my whole life trying to make others happy and being acutely aware of others feelings but realise how incredibly draining that is.
I often have the battery feeling-running on empty or fill up a bit but then get easily drained again. Learning to give to myself first is tough especially with the kids.
I’m seeing my pattern of over giving and am leaning back more -it’s being ok with people being upset when I don’t do what they want – that’s hard -I seem wired to crumble when they look hurt!
I thought I needed to become less sensitive to others so that I didn’t get so affected by them but maybe I just need to tune into myself more first? I’m very aware of myself on a physical level eg can over worry about my health but struggle to prevent overwhelm and the drained feeling.
How do I stop over giving to a man in a relationship and ensure that he is giving to me yet still be aware of him and want to support? I can be quite masculine in organising things like booking a restaurant-is it best to sit on my hands and really wait for the guy to lead?
Looking forward to your feedback
Thanks again
Rebecca

[Rebecca B]

Hi Kanya
Wow, I really appreciate this forum and all the amazing advice you both give. I’ve been reading through several threads over the last couple of days and it’s been super helpful just seeing others situations and the advice you’ve given.
I really felt into accepting it’s not happening with this guy after reading your message. I had thought he may not have got my text or someone else read it but despite that he’s not got in touch with me after him asking to stay in contact – so I accepted what is and allowed myself to feel sad. But then had the sense of how it’s just another step in finding the right person for me. There is a lot of truth in really allowing the feelings in to let them pass – I had been stuffing a lot of it down.
I realise how I can fall really quickly into a relationship or the idea of one and I need to take things slow in future and hold boundaries. I guess when I thought he was the ‘one’ I forgot that commitment to myself – this is a good learning. I can’t possibly know that so early on. I also recognised because I didn’t fancy him from his photo I was totally myself when we first met and that was a good feeling and one I’d like to remember when I meet someone new.
I’ve been reading Brianna Mac Williams stuff on attachments and I can see I make it all mean more than it does initially. I also finally bought Katherine Woodward Thomas’ calling in the one programme after my last relationship ended (so I’m with you on that!) We had been together, broken up then got back together after a 2yr gap but fell into the same pattern again and broke up in May this year. (Funnily enough we got back together as I’d inadvertently triggered his hero instinct – I can totally see that now but he wasn’t a right fit when I look at the qualities I want in a man.)
I think after doing her course and then finally going online in sept and meeting this new guy and it seeming so right at first I thought I’d found the one!!
As for dating I do think I held out too long in the past thinking it was hard especially the online side. I only bought a 3 month subscription to match which runs out today. I decided not to renew for now but just these last couple of days I’ve had some positive interactions on there so I am leaning back in to the knowing I will find someone else and that I can have fun with it 🙂
My question now is taking on board all the learning from James course how to let those things become natural and instinctive as I worry if I’m trying to remember to trigger the hero, the curiosity etc I won’t be relaxed and myself when I meet someone new. I’m putting some of the skills into practice with my two sons (21yrs & 16yrs) ask for help and appreciate more and try not to criticise – I am using it a bit with work too. Is that the answer – to just keep practicing until it becomes natural?
Thank you again for all your help and support.
Rebecca

[Rebecca B]

Hi Kanja
Thank you for that advice. I think you’re right -I won’t get in touch but may try the text in a few weeks, I’ll see how I feel then.
I’ve gone back on the dating site but my subscription ends tomorrow and I’m not keen to renew right now -I feel a bit bruised from this experience- we were both very excited initially about how good we felt together and he had said he saw this as being something really special and didn’t want to rush it. I did that thing of believing it could be something amazing too quickly and am now trying to stop thinking that.
I’m going to focus on enjoying my time with friends and family-I’m in Cornwall, Uk and we’re currently in lockdown. This was my first experience of online dating after being married for 14yrs then having 2 relationships since that haven’t worked out. I’m not giving up hope but am quite a sensitive person so probably need to be kind to myself. I feel the need to hunker down and retreat from putting myself out there eg online dating but worry I’ll start getting desperate to meet someone and come across as needy. It felt like something beautiful opening up that shut down too quickly. How do I hold the desire to meet someone without the need?
Thanks, Rebecca

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