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Kanya thank you
I’ve been trying really hard but honestly I’m struggling a lot too. I feel so hurt. Even if he doesn’t love me the fact that we have been friends and known each other for years. I thought he would handle things at least slightly better
I think he thought doing things through text and leaving me alone would hurt less but I couldn’t feel more worthless.
Logically I know it is him and not me. It still hurts so much tho. I’m loosing him as my friend too and it just feels unbearable
I know I am PMSing and feel more emotional than usual. It still hurts tho
I live in NY and all my family lives out west. I’m going to see a close friend this weekend tho
Thank you Heidi. No updates with him. I’ve decided to wait until after Christmas and if I haven’t heard from him by then I will reach out to get my things back.
I’ve ordered a couple of books and a journal to help me focus on myself and do some personal growth. I have some projects at home I want to start on. Also have been talking with my boss about ideas and ways to grow our business in the new year.
I’m still dealing with a lot of pain and hurt from just being cut off like this and I know only time will help but I’m trying not to be consumed by it. Which is easier said then done haha
For now I am still doing okay 🙂
Nicole
Thank you Heidi. I think I have been trying to find ways to avoid the feelings of pain and hurt. Focusing on him and all those related thoughts helped distract me from that and was giving me a false sense of feeling like I still had him in my life.
Of course I knew breaking up was something that could happen. I just never thought it would be this soon or over something like this. If it happened I imagined it would be much later and over something much bigger and more real.
Hurting me also goes against everything else I know about him. He is very selfless. Always willing to do what’s best for his clients even if he has to take a loss. Helping his family and friends with anything. Giving them gifts, fixing things, even if they were mad at him or he’d had a disagreement with them.
I’m realizing that it seems he thinks he is not worthy of being treated the same. Maybe he thinks he doesn’t deserve love or something like that. So I am the collateral damage.
You’re absolutely right that I need to refocus on myself. It is the only thing I can control. I ordered the Judith Sills book that Kanya recommended and am searching for some other self help type books that might be good for me. If you have any suggestions Please let me know.
I can’t say thank you enough to both of you for listening and giving me feedback. It has been a great help to get some things off my chest here and get outside views of it all
Nicole
I really hope he is trying to figure it out and conquer it. For his own sake of nothing else
Do you really think I should reach out to him? I mean everything in me wants to and says I should. However, Sunday will mark only one week since he half way broke up with me via text. Since then he hasn’t contacted me. He hasn’t asked for the key I have to his house. He hasn’t asked about picking my stuff up from his place. His last comment about our status was “I’ll leave it like this for now”. He’s left everything open ended and made no effort to fix things OR finish them.
Will reaching out on his birthday show him I still care and draw him back in possibly? Or am I not giving him enough time to really possibly miss me and what I can do for him?
I know everything is a “what if” scenario and no one can know his thoughts or reactions. It’s just so frustrating.
Where is the line between showing how much you care/are willing to fight for something and needing to step back to let him realize the full consequences of his actions?
On top of it I have friends (mostly female) telling me to leave him alone until he contacts me and other friends (mostly guys) telling me that I should make the first move to reconnect.
I feel like at this point I could make a Pros and Cons list and it would still be an even tie
Thank you Kanya. I appreciate your input so much. Everything you said makes sense. Hearing it from an outside perspective really helps.
I agree with your thought that he is overthinking and can’t deal with his fears or issues. It’s so frustrating because I just want to help him and want what’s best for him. I know he has to want the help though.
Also I will definitely look up that book you suggested. I want to keep myself busy with positive things and learning is always a good thing to invest time in.
Initially when he asked for time I didn’t text him at all except to ask if he wanted me to be silent. After that I left him alone and after 3 days he text to ask how my day was. So I think you are right that I need to pull back more even though it’s scary. Part of me wants to be petty and not even tell him to let me know if things change for him. I just want to leave it as it is. Then on the other hand his birthday is this weekend and I know I’m going to want to contact him. And the gift I ordered for him just came and now I don’t know what to do with it.
Nicole
Thanks again for all the positivity and encouragement. We had been texting a bit here and there. Just casual. I went radio silent on Wednesday tho since it had been a week and I wanted to back off again and make sure he was getting the space he asked for
Last night I text him asking if he could just clarify where we stand. Are we on hiatus or does he just need a little more time?
He said “Very unfair of me to leave you out there like that. Little too much of me being me and not wanting to deal with things. Thats a whole other story. To be fair to you as is the absolute right thing to do. Is we stay friends or however you call those terms. If I am no good to myself at this time I’d be no good to you. At my age I’d think I’d have it together by now. To many ways my head goes. I’ll leave it like this for now. I have to go look at a job then I’m going to sit in the woods for a while.”
I told him to do that while I digested everything and then added that I wasn’t trying to force him to decide. It wasn’t an ultimatum.
I just don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to say or do anything to push him further away. And I don’t want to seem desperate in saying anything like “don’t stay away bc I can’t bear the thought of not seeing you at work sometimes” I know if I ask him to give me a face to face explanation/discussion he will. I just want it to mean something. To do something to him. I dont want to just unload all my hurt feelings. What do I do from here?
Thanks for these links!
The video was relatable in that I know I try to be sure to express my appreciation for anything he does that helps me or makes me happy. I liked the challenges suggested at the end and definitely intend to try them after we talk and try to work things out. Honestly tho I need to watch to the video again to get more points out of it. Just Listening to something doesn’t always stick in my mind as well bc I’m a more visual learner and I was listening to it while I did other things instead of focusing on the pictures and things in it
As for the article. I really liked the point about riding the wave of emotion. I have been told I’m a good story teller but I don’t think I’ve utilized that enough in our relationship. Communication as far as opening up more about myself and being vulnerable is something I know I have not done enough of and I told him that the other night. I know we won’t grow closer if he feels like he’s not getting to know me better.
I also like the point about supporting his goals. I think he has become used to being self reliant. Which is a good thing but I think maybe he has forgotten how good it can feel to have someone “on your side”. I imagine that like lots of us he finds it easier to support himself so he can’t be disappointed by others. But if I can show him that I support his goals and especially that he doesn’t have to sacrifice them to have a relationship with me then it would be very beneficial. In general I’m a big cheerleader of people I care about. With him tho I need to figure out how to do it so that it’s not just words and so he knows it’s sincere
I will rewatch the video soon and if I come up with any other points I liked I’ll let you know!
I’m really glad I feel good about it too. At first I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel but I want him to have room to think and feel.
He did text me yesterday at working asking if we had a certain product and I answers him. Then last night he text asking how my day was. We exchanged a few messages before I said goodnight. I know he said I didn’t have to go radio silent but I did. So I’m not sure what to make of him reaching out.
I thankfully already had plans for this weekend anyway! So I will be busy and trying to focus on myself and my friends.
I don’t think he knows what the exact thing is that’s missing. That’s the problem. Hopefully as he’s thinking about it he will come up with something. And when we discuss things again I will mention about his medication and how that could be influencing his feelings too.
I have started to have other thoughts about possible reasons but I know everything is just ideas and speculation until we actually have another discussion
Also if you have suggestions about any of the irresistible insights I should be reading please let me know. I’ve been browsing through and am not sure what might help my situation. I’ve been reading the hero instinct again but since I’m trying to give him space none of it is applicable at the moment
Thank you for all your insight so far 🙂 it’s really nice to be able to talk about this to a neutral party
Hi Heidi. Thank you for your input! I agree he has things he needs to work through and figure out. I told him I was willing to help him sort through it in any way I could. But yes giving him space is the best thing right now!
We definitely have romance and chemistry. Before we started having sex I would often be the one to initiate making out. After we started having sex he was the one who would initiate more often in the beginning but that was bc I wasn’t as experienced as him and felt a little nervous. After I got more comfortable I started to initiate sometimes. I do feel passion and connection from him. He does talk and say things that express he’s enjoying himself. He claims that he’s not a big cuddler after sex but once we shower and get back in bed for the night he is usually the one to snuggle up to me or pull me to him.
Also I don’t know how much this factors in but he does take a medication that can lower his libido sometimes. So that also contributes to me initiating sometimes. Once I show him that I’m in the mood he quickly gets there too.
Hope this gives more insight
Thanks Kanya. I agree and for now at least I’m keeping quiet. Give him time to live and think without any perceived pressure from me.
I don’t think I would use the term head over heels. I’ve liked him for a long time and of course in the beginning I would say things like I’m crazy about him. I hadn’t thought about if we are looking for different types of love. That is something we’ll have to discuss when we talk again.
The part about him maybe not being motivated enough to continue doesn’t seem to be the case. I say that only because if he really wanted it to be finished he could’ve just come over and told me and maybe talked a little and then left. He stayed though. He kept the conversation going. He waited through the silences while I was thinking. He got emotional before I did. He was the one who suggested a hiatus so he could get things together. Why would he do that if he wasn’t feeling connected enough to continue?
Also I had said to him that it felt like we were giving up too easy. And that I wondered if he was using this feelings reason as an excuse or cop out. I asked if there was some other issue that’s holding him back maybe it’s what held him back all these years that we’ve known and liked each other but he never wanted to act on it. He went quiet and said something like “now you’ve got me rethinking” It wasn’t long after that he asked for some time.
He’s said things like “I’m letting you in where no one else has ever been. It’s a hard thing to explain” or “believe me that I’ve never done things with anyone else the way I have with you” So maybe it’s just a classic case of being afraid to be vulnerable and now he’s back tracking?
I guess for now I just have to wait until we talk again. If there’s any other things you think could be an issue or something that he and I should discuss please let me know 🙂
Hi Kanya, thank you!
He text me last night saying that I didn’t have to go radio silent but not to act like anything other than me. I think you’re right tho that I should give him space
I hadn’t thought about that we needed to build a foundation as a couple because we’ve known each other already for 5 years. I don’t know details about his dating history but I know he’s dated casually and also has been in relationships. Last night when he was talking about love he said that he’s felt it before and knows what it should feel like and didn’t think he was feeling that way now
I brought up the point that the initial “new love” excitement and feeling wears off and then that’s when you have to have normal life and the emotions feel different then. He agreed but said that also people can’t make themselves feel something. So I think yes he has an expectation of what he “should” be feeling
Nicole
