[Marilyn J]

Hey Heidi,

Thank you for caring and your support. I think I got more perspective on my situation with from the investigation team and my worries about her false report are also settled when they told me that that would be archived quickly. I am probably going to get a camera for my entrance so i can keep my sanity until I can move.

Marilyn

I looked up meetup groups, right now it seems a little strange to get to know people online. I prefer to connect in person or at least start friendships in person. I am ok with not having many connections as I don’t want too many distractions while focusing on my projects. I have a feeling that restrictions will start to get less once spring starts and I’ll prefer to do in person meetups then.

I am creating a website for my raw vegan recipes, I am also working on an ebook. Meantime I am trying to prepare to teach online. I need to find out how to get access to books for online classes.

[Marilyn J]

Hello Kanya,

I don’t have family here and I don’t know a lot of people here yet. I don’t have a better option. I just came back from the investigation office at the police station and feel a little bette me about my security.

I don’t have contact with family but once in awhile with an aunt and uncle on FaceTime, the same with my friends. I keep active outdoors, Tomorrow it will be 70 degrees so I will definitely go for a run. I have some contact with people nearby but I wish to hold someone especially a maternal figure as I need that in my life. I may be all alone for Christmas and that will not be fun in a house with so much turmoil. I am working on various projects. So My productivity is high and I have plenty of distractions.

[Marilyn J]

That totally makes sense! That’s what I think happened with that guy. For me the uncertainty of the situation is affecting me a lot. Besides having lost my job, having all these limitations, the changes, in particular affection is what I miss so much. And I can’t enjoy activities that require to wear a face mask.

[Marilyn J]

What’s the main reason you think during this time people don’t want to get into a relationship?
I personally don’t like to go outside much as the face masks are mandatory. I would get traumatized from meeting with someone and looking at him with that mask on. It’s not what I want to get accustomed to, it’s not something I want to remember, that visual. I am pathetic on following rules, I really obey rules to the extreme but this one to me is not making a lot of sense In my opinion. I educate people on how to protect your immune system and be healthy and balanced. I am working on my recipe blog and ebook. I am working on course material etc because it’s my passion and I want to help others. So besides feeling unattractive and don’t want to project fear by wearing a mask I personally believe it’s not very useful, I am convinced there are better ways. And don’t get me started about vaccines. The only good thing about it currently is that life will soon become more normal again.
I did think about something related to the pandemic affecting the guy and therefore being afraid to get into a relationship. In August things weren’t so bad when we connected. The second wave here started at the end of September and now there is a semi lockdown for an unknown time.

Marilyn

[Marilyn J]

Hi Kanya,

Yes, it’s mainly because nothing is declared that they are trying to make me so scared And uncomfortable to move out. The contract automatically continues because neither one of us ended it by the 11th month. I will certainly win the case and hopefully get justice ahd that will hopefully change their attitude though they’re not very sharp mentally. My gay friend who cane with me yesterday to hand curtains said I am in danger. He felt so uncomfortable and did not hand the curtains because of the harassment. They thought he was my boyfriend and to intimidate me they told him that I bring another guy every day. It would be impossible to bring a boyfriend home.They will trespass not only when I am gone but when I am there as well. After my first police report for trespassing the landlady put a police report against me for wounds which is false, I was pushing the door to close but it’s impossible that for that she had to go to the hospital. That’s the only thing she did against me. It affected me mentally when I found out what she did how coincidentally she got hurt the same day I reported some of the things she had done and the description made no sense as she’s claiming I dragged her all over my terrace (which she entered without my permission) she weighs twice as much as I do. When she entered as I was heading out I ran back inside as I was scared and tried to prevent her from entering my studio. That’s enough venting about this subject.

I am making some delicious raw vegan cashew bassed coffee flavors ice cream. It’s a rainy day and it’s quite and peaceful. I am organizing and writing. I also write for my creativity. Next week I also plan to create some recipes, do more writing and I really want to draw, perhaps I’ll get to do that.

In order for me to start apartment hunting I will have to a have paychecks from a few months, If I teach online and have a full steady schedule that’s probably ok as well, prior to the pandemic you could get away with paying 6 months upfront or so but although there are many vacancies they will not likely consider someone without employment due to the pandemic. I am also not interested in sharing an apartment especially not without being friends first. With my current situation and some from the past I need to really feel safe. I wish especially now I had someone who could come anytime I feel afraid or threatened, in general it’s always been my desire to be saved by a man I can call mine (preferably in a non dramatic situation).

Marilyn

[Marilyn J]

My current situation also makes me realize that “not being in a good place” is not necessarily related to not being able to open up emotionally to a love interest: it gave me that perspective that I can’t assume anything about anyone. Everyone fights their own battle. I am emotionally pretty strong and many define me as brave, that’s probably accurate though I have my limits and breaking point. My experience from yesterday makes me really concerned. I don’t hope or think my love interest has a similar situation but I just understand it can be a very overwhelming situation that it would not be healthy to start a relationship. Even though I can perfectly connect and give myself I would feel very uncomfortable and afraid to suck him into the drama I am experiencing, it’s enough to scare someone away. I don’t know what to do with that because I certainly don’t want the drama get in the way of my possibility of a relationship. I live alone so I have my privacy and can invite people whenever I want to (I only had 5 people visit in a year including my sister and an uncle as I don’t just welcome anyone in but I don’t want anyone to take that privilege from me). Realistically I will have to live in this for several additional months in the case I start a job tomorrow. I am positive I can find work even If only teaching English online, it’s just killing me the idea of putting dating on hold. I think emotionally I need that even more then normally, I am a people person so personal and intimate connections are very important to me. I lack that with my family, most of my friends are 6000 miles away. At the beginning of October when hell came down I was avoiding contact in general including that guy. I felt trapped, things seemed to have settled a little so I was feeling confident a bit more comfortable until basically yesterday. I tend to hibernate When things are bad in my life and avoid everyone. Now with the restrictions on leaving the house I am automatically pulled into that, the center where I go for my jobsearch and creating my website remains open so I still have that accountability but that’s the only thing.

Sorry this is a lot, I woke up with this on my mind and wanted to open my feelings and concerns and share also with some hope for some suggestions how to avoid this limitations.
Now I’m going to listen to a meditation!

Marilyn

[Marilyn J]

Hi Heidi,

I actually am loving the meditations. It feels more natural then listening to typical meditation music. The ones I do at night I fall asleep a few minutes into it and that’s just because it doesn’t take me much to fall asleep.

I have so much going on right now with my landlady and het family harassing me, they live on the same property, it’s really affecting my mental state. Today they entered my studio and only took curtains I was intending to have someone hand for me. It drives me insane the taught they entered and stole something like a thief with keys. Even though everything else looked Clearly untouched and seemingly they had entered real quick just to take that one thing that would provide me some privacy. They’re very intimidating.
I am trying to continue living but after they made it impossible for me to have a friend help me with something for 5 min I realized how it is impossible to have a relationship. How can I meet someone and then tell him it’s impossible to visit me if he hates drama as much as I do. He will be so miserable coming over that he’ll break it off. I mean they even opened my door while my friend was with me inside. I don’t think any man could deal with this. I am terrified.
Just when I felt it was getting a little peaceful again. I get to go to court in January for some of my police reports. I don’t know if it would make a difference as those people don’t seem to be right in their head, besides their level of intelligence being beliw average. I felt positive. I’m sharing all this because it’s so related to my social life.
I don’t see a quick solution for my situation without a long term work contract I can’t find a new place, Rental contract requirements are more strict then ever. I don’t want to keep from living while I’m in the process on finding a secure job. It’s hard enough being in another lockdown.

I really want to remain creative especially with my whole situation. Thanks for inspiring me. I am definitely going to get in the kitchen tomorrow, I am pretty artistic and want to find time to start knitting something. I really need to create a routine that incorporates my meditation and also time to express my creativity.

Marilyn

[Marilyn J]

Hello,

I just uploaded the calm app on my iPhone. It’s a great meditation, the flowing water of a river!

I integer tomorrow ley thoughts in that guy go and find ways to connect to others. Most of the guys that reach out to me don’t catch my attention to what to get to know them. I gave my heri instinct question some though. I personally want to get my upper arms tighter so I thought of this: “I want to build muscles particularly in my triceps without losing my feminine look. Is it better to use higher weights at low reps or lower weights at higher reps?” I don’t know if I formulated it right or if it’s too detailed.

I am going to concentrate on giving myself some love. Planning to give myself some spa Services and go for a run today!

Marilyn

[Marilyn J]

I copy pasted the text Kanya wrote:

If you think of yourself as having 5 parts; physical, emotional, mental, psychological, and spiritual, balance comes when we are actively feeding each of these aspects. It is also helpful to think about what you would like to feel or experience and then work backwards to determine what actions would most support you and help you achieve these goals.

My question was about that

I will try that in morning routine of meditation starting tomorrow especially if I can start with 10 minutes or so. I will use the apps you recommend. It’s difficult for me not to have thoughts in the way I find most meditation difficult Some even boring. I like sound healing and very soothing meditations.

Thank you for your support and guidance, it really means a lot
I just had a cry moment while listening to music in my bed, I cried through several songs, it was needed I am a little in hibernation mode due to the pandemic and the colder weather. So emotions come easily to the surface when I’m all alone. It was intense it brought back some feelings from childhood traumas and the abuse I endured. My parents labeled me as autistic and abused me physically and verbally (unconsciously I believe as my mother thinks very little of herself) and it affected my self esteem for years. I worked a lot on gaining self esteem. I don’t speak to my family but miss that kind of affection and along other things that have been bothering me lately it got me emotional. But I think it did not have much to do with love or that guy though. It just felt very freeing.

Marilyn

[Marilyn J]

I will see if I connect somehow to other men, I had someone who I went on a few dates with last year reaching out to me but I realize I don’t want to even try to reconnect or meet. I am analyzing a lot in general and naturally I put a lot of thought in this. I don’t want to obsess. I have plenty of things that occupy my mind with reaching my professional goals. I go for runs on the beach and walk in the woods a few times a week. I also wirj our a lot at home. It’s not ideal being outdoor with the current restrictions. Niet businesses are closed due to the lockdown and I don’t connect much to friends, once in a while on FaceTime.

I have not been to church and I miss the spiriual Part but I like to look for some meditation I can do at home.

I am very creative, I like developing recipes, drawing, knitting even Making ceramics.

How would you suggest to how to determine what actions would support getting to my goal?

I really appreciate all your detailed advice!!

Marilyn

[Marilyn J]

Hi Kanya,

Would I send “I need help“ and my question On the same message. I’d have to think about a good tech question then. I’m starting a photography course online so I can improve my food pictures. Asking him that question about working our sounds good. I don’t know what would be best type of question.

I am definitely open to balance my life right now. Overall I’m feeling pretty good considering I have problems with my landlady and here family who live in the same building as me and the fact I haven’t worked in about 8 months. I am generally very optimistic and fun loving and see the food in everything and everyone. I care a lot About others, sometimes too much. This pandemic has brought me lows and highs and particularly taught me to take care of myself. I am taking my TEFL tesol course to become a certified teacher which will hopefully help me with the possibility of teaching online. I have been deleting my unread emails, which helps Contribute decluttering my life. Do you have any advice on how to balance my life?

[Marilyn J]

Was is a bad idea to reach out to him about thinking about him and suggesting to race each other? Clearly with my second message he seems to be passive.

[Marilyn J]

He also makes beautiful food pictures I have noticed . I am creating a food blog and ebook with my recipes (I am a raw vegan chef. If I knew about his tech skills I would ask him help with that because I am absoku Not tech savvy.

[Marilyn J]

Hey Heidi,

So if he doesn’t start initiating contact on his own I ask him for help. That sounds good!! I don’t think of him as someone handy. He works out, does martial arts, he does the administration for a lawyer. There is not too much more I can think about that I know that could be useful. I wanted to ask him to teach me martial arts but that may not be the thing to initiate with. I don’t feel very secure by myself due to various life experiences. He has invited my even for a course at his office Which I did not go to. I do have somethings I need legal advice for but that might not be the right kind of thing to begin with. I am currently being harassed by my landlady and her sons as they wanted to illegally terminate the contract and de pandemic maker it challenging to move right now at the moment. I moved to Malaga, The south of Spain and it’s really difficult to find anything especially without a long term work contract. Which applies to many countries including the US. That’s a just a little more a note my life right now… it’s a terrifying situation and it makes me feel unsafe but involve him in that sounds dramatic. I am going to need to have help to get something i can’t reach in my walk in closet, my duvet if I won’t need it before at least 3 weeks. maybe that could be it. Also I think of him as a smart person, so maybe something not for doers but for thinkers. I am going to get a wisdom tooth pulled but I Ik not sure in what sense he can assist me when that happens. Just thinking of something that relates to my situation. I hope this information can help you to find a good approach.

I really appreciate your feedback!

Marilyn

[Marilyn J]

I like that!! To clarify: I don’t reach out to him and if in 3-4 weeks he has not reached out I send him a Message asking him for help or an opinion, is this correct? Or do you say 3-4 weeks after he reaches out to me? What if he doesn’t reach out at all? I don’t want to misunderstand. When I initiate about asking for help or for his opinion do I say I need his help with something I am not very certain what I could come up with. I live alone in a small studio, I don’t have a car. I don’t know what he could help me with without seeing each other in person Or do I ask his opinion about a dress or something I’m buying online??

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