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Hi,
Thank you for checking in! He told me he was busy m. He asked for next weekend. I told him that I will be gone as I had plans to visit my parents. So I told him no, he said he was going to try to see me earlier in the day so I even changed some plans I had with someone else. He eventually told me, he would not have time. My parents told me not to come , it’s very upsetting but that means I will be free next weekend. I did not respond to him last message that he wouldn’t have time to come. Should I now tell him, I’ll be free this weekend? He doesn’t know my plans at all. Or should I wait for him tu reach out. I really hope he can take me some place that I need to go to in Sunday
I’m going on a trip to see my parents as a surprise for my dads 70 th birthday for 2 weeks so I won’t be able to see him then, I just booked it and so I need to let him know that it is important that we do it now so I can be more at peace
Do I ask him to confirm the day or do ask him or do I explain that o want him by my side there or do do I express my appreciation so he feels motivated to provide for my need?
Hello Spyce,
Thank you for taking your time analizing the situation and the insights.
We started dating early December. He was pursuing me since summer though.
I guess I should rephrase “came on strong” he showed more interest in me and my life than I did in him and I am convinced that’s a great sign. Just like James Bauer and other experts studying gender differences, it is normal that man pull away at certain times during the relationship. He wasn’t love bombing me, as far as I understand that term. He wanted to get to know me by asking me simple questions about my day to day life. I told him I wanted to take it slow on the intimate part of the relationship and he accepted that gracefully while simultaneously also sharing his needs. I do believe in having natural conversations that don’t feel like an interview and over time getting to know each other. He called me often, that has decreased. He’s been sick and busy with his business. He’s in the process of building his new car shop. He has changed his focus more on work.I view this forum to get guidance on what I need to work on current situation, that is after all what drew me to learn about the hero instinct. Therefore I want assistance in approaching this situation. He remains sweet with me but is more distant.
When asking him about going me to Alcudia he responded with when but I wasn’t clear and direct. So my big issue is that I’m not direct. He’s willing to help me but during the week it’s impossible he says. He works from 8 to 8 and in the evening he won’t drive 3 hours to take me to where I want to go not would it be a good time. He hasn’t made plans for valentine day. We connected emotionally, he really wanted to make sure first that I have intentions to live here permanently, I moved to Mallorca, Spain. He is from here and has no intentions to leave. I made him wait a while for a first date. I didn’t give in on having sex, though on our last date we were exploring each other physically q little, wirg few clothes on. He felt really good and expressed it athen bad afterwards.
If I had slept with him I might think differently but we kept it low key.I don’t think he changed his mind, I think he’s evaluating if he wants to keep pursuing. I am not letting him set the tone of the relationship I think, or explain to me why you think I do. I’m staying in my feminine for the most part and let him plan the dates. In that sense he planned the dates. He’s very masculine, I like that. He is very respectful of my needs and I expressed my needs especially when it came to being intimate that I need it to go slow. He said that what we have is important to him and he doesn’t want to spoil it. Although he felt rejected. I assured him that I wanted it but just not yet while giving him affection.
He calls me after work sonetikew a few minutes and it means a lot, I should express that more so he is encouraged to do more of that.
Maybe I should initiate something, I don’t know. Again, I personally don’t see red flags. I have with a guy a dated shortly before him and due to the lies and betrayals I am very cautious and less trusting though I do my best not to show it. In the beginning he was questioning why I was not trusting him. I told him that initially i didn’t know if I could but soon he made me feel safe. Unlike some other guys he’s very consistent and transparent although he didn’t share much lately of what’s going on. Most likely he’s busy also with his business more then ever from what I hear. I haven’t asked him anything about how far he is ahead with his permissions for construction….
Anyway I really hope this weekend he will take me to that place. I want to know how to approach it that he knows there is a real purpose in taking me apart from saving money on a taxi. I guess I really want him to be part of the process and talk to my contact person about the rental, he can assist and observe and in the case the outcome is negative I will ask him to help looking in his hometown. I really need help. I just haven’t found the words yet and hoping that once we take out relationship to the next level that maybe he could help but I guess I can ask his help now already that I need it.
My non negotiable is not having sex before a serious commitment such as an engagement or at least very secure future plans. I told him that first I want to introduce him to my family, they don’t live here so he knows it’s ahead and he says that first we need to get to know each other. I was so proud that I found someone so secure and more traditional.
He asked me random things if I had tattoos for example. I instantly thought, he either is a big fan or hates them. And it turned out he hates them. He asked me a lot of things to measure compatibility. We have similar values and some shared hobbies such as Pilates. He also loves to go on a motorcycle ride on Sundays abd watch soccer, things I don’t care but no biggie. He was on the search for things we have in common to connect. He’s very open to adjust to my likes and needs. We went to church together on the first date, which I didn’t ask for nor expect but he came an hour earlier to join me at mass, he’s catholic as well but doesn’t go often and to me that’s a good sign. I have other examples, he really plans the dates according to what I am comfortable with and I can tell you from my experience the man that aren’t really interested emotionally have never done those things he’s been doing. Also the money he’s invested so far is a lot especially for a simple guy from a small village in Spain where things are differently priced as in the United States. He’s making more than average but he’s also just invested a lot in his business, he already told me that he won’t be able tu but a house for a while now. He’s just about to enter the kings phase but not totally there yet as he needs to fulfill his goal of starting in his new bigger work pace and buying a home.
I also would definitely not want to move in with him until we are engaged.
I would want to see him every week once and hopefully after a while when progressing the relationship a little more or longer dates for a full day or weekend even.
So far I’ve been able to share with him some pretty personal experiences and he’s so supportive.
When I was visiting my family he called me daily to check in with me. He encouraged me to go see them and he has been very sweet about some traumatic experiences I’ve had.
I don’t know exactly what other non negotiables to come up with, maybe you have ideas
For right I need to show and assure him that it means a lot he goes with me to that place for a rental as I mentioned in my first message. Should I thank him for being there to help and that I appreciate his support to encourage him or should I ask him what day he can as he still hasn’t told me. Or explain that I don’t seem to get the courage to do it on my own. I really feel nervous about going there actually and I told him that I’m anxious but not more about my uncertain situation it’s also that I haven’t been in communication with my contact person. As I asked in the other message, what to say and do?
Do I ask him to confirm the day or do ask him or do I explain that o want him by my side there or do do I express my appreciation so he feels motivated to provide for my need?
Hello Spyce,
Thank you for taking your time analizing the situation and the insights.
We started dating early December. He was pursuing me since summer though.
I guess I should rephrase “came on strong” he showed more interest in me and my life than I did in him and I am convinced that’s a great sign. Just like James Bauer and other experts studying gender differences, it is normal that man pull away at certain times during the relationship. He wasn’t love bombing me, as far as I understand that term. He wanted to get to know me by asking me simple questions about my day to day life. I told him I wanted to take it slow on the intimate part of the relationship and he accepted that gracefully while simultaneously also sharing his needs. I do believe in having natural conversations that don’t feel like an interview and over time getting to know each other. He called me often, that has decreased. He’s been sick and busy with his business. He’s in the process of building his new car shop. He has changed his focus more on work.I view this forum to get guidance on what I need to work on current situation, that is after all what drew me to learn about the hero instinct. Therefore I want assistance in approaching this situation. He remains sweet with me but is more distant.
When asking him about going me to Alcudia he responded with when but I wasn’t clear and direct. So my big issue is that I’m not direct. He’s willing to help me but during the week it’s impossible he says. He works from 8 to 8 and in the evening he won’t drive 3 hours to take me to where I want to go not would it be a good time. He hasn’t made plans for valentine day. We connected emotionally, he really wanted to make sure first that I have intentions to live here permanently, I moved to Mallorca, Spain. He is from here and has no intentions to leave. I made him wait a while for a first date. I didn’t give in on having sex, though on our last date we were exploring each other physically q little, wirg few clothes on. He felt really good and expressed it athen bad afterwards.
If I had slept with him I might think differently but we kept it low key.I don’t think he changed his mind, I think he’s evaluating if he wants to keep pursuing. I am not letting him set the tone of the relationship I think, or explain to me why you think I do. I’m staying in my feminine for the most part and let him plan the dates. In that sense he planned the dates. He’s very masculine, I like that. He is very respectful of my needs and I expressed my needs especially when it came to being intimate that I need it to go slow. He said that what we have is important to him and he doesn’t want to spoil it. Although he felt rejected. I assured him that I wanted it but just not yet while giving him affection.
He calls me after work sonetikew a few minutes and it means a lot, I should express that more so he is encouraged to do more of that.
Maybe I should initiate something, I don’t know. Again, I personally don’t see red flags. I have with a guy a dated shortly before him and due to the lies and betrayals I am very cautious and less trusting though I do my best not to show it. In the beginning he was questioning why I was not trusting him. I told him that initially i didn’t know if I could but soon he made me feel safe. Unlike some other guys he’s very consistent and transparent although he didn’t share much lately of what’s going on. Most likely he’s busy also with his business more then ever from what I hear. I haven’t asked him anything about how far he is ahead with his permissions for construction….
Anyway I really hope this weekend he will take me to that place. I want to know how to approach it that he knows there is a real purpose in taking me apart from saving money on a taxi. I guess I really want him to be part of the process and talk to my contact person about the rental, he can assist and observe and in the case the outcome is negative I will ask him to help looking in his hometown. I really need help. I just haven’t found the words yet and hoping that once we take out relationship to the next level that maybe he could help but I guess I can ask his help now already that I need it.
My non negotiable is not having sex before a serious commitment such as an engagement or at least very secure future plans. I told him that first I want to introduce him to my family, they don’t live here so he knows it’s ahead and he says that first we need to get to know each other. I was so proud that I found someone so secure and more traditional.
He asked me random things if I had tattoos for example. I instantly thought, he either is a big fan or hates them. And it turned out he hates them. He asked me a lot of things to measure compatibility. We have similar values and some shared hobbies such as Pilates. He also loves to go on a motorcycle ride on Sundays abd watch soccer, things I don’t care but no biggie. He was on the search for things we have in common to connect. He’s very open to adjust to my likes and needs. We went to church together on the first date, which I didn’t ask for nor expect but he came an hour earlier to join me at mass, he’s catholic as well but doesn’t go often and to me that’s a good sign. I have other examples, he really plans the dates according to what I am comfortable with and I can tell you from my experience the man that aren’t really interested emotionally have never done those things he’s been doing. Also the money he’s invested so far is a lot especially for a simple guy from a small village in Spain where things are differently priced as in the United States. He’s making more than average but he’s also just invested a lot in his business, he already told me that he won’t be able tu but a house for a while now. He’s just about to enter the kings phase but not totally there yet as he needs to fulfill his goal of starting in his new bigger work pace and buying a home.
I also would definitely not want to move in with him until we are engaged.
I would want to see him every week once and hopefully after a while when progressing the relationship a little more or longer dates for a full day or weekend even.
So far I’ve been able to share with him some pretty personal experiences and he’s so supportive.
When I was visiting my family he called me daily to check in with me. He encouraged me to go see them and he has been very sweet about some traumatic experiences I’ve had.
I don’t know exactly what other non negotiables to come up with, maybe you have ideas
For right I need to show and assure him that it means a lot he goes with me to that place for a rental as I mentioned in my first message. Should I thank him for being there to help and that I appreciate his support to encourage him or should I ask him what day he can as he still hasn’t told me. Or explain that I don’t seem to get the courage to do it on my own. I really feel nervous about going there actually and I told him that I’m anxious but not more about my uncertain situation it’s also that I haven’t been in communication with my contact person. As I asked in the other message, what to say and do
On another note I’m also aware that I did feel hurt when he shared he is not ready for a relationship just sex but he at least had the respect to let me know. If he would have led me on and than had sex and after disappeared on me I would not have respect for him left. If he was selfish he could have easily done that. He deserves some credit but I will reconnect with caution. In the meantime I feel it’s ok to have positive thoughts about him. He’s not occupying my mind, I luckily have a lot going on: blog, certified course, classes etc. I’ve even been trying to get some social interaction with friends. It’s maybe crazy that I would try with him even though we were only getting to know each other. There are plenty options and I have no problem getting attention from guys. I just can be picky and not many draw my attention.
Additionally I want to say I do get attention vein men even now but because I’m not in good place I don’t reciprocate. If it was him contacting me,I’d respond because we made the connection. I honestly was just keeping the connection going but it took me a lot of effort because of things around me started to fall apart so I think it was almost like God protecting me and putting romantic relationships on hold as i had no space for that but i don’t always recognize my limits.
I’ve gained a lot of perspective this week and want to nourish my safety and prioritize myself especially now without relying on someone to save me
In my situation it did not start during this difficult time. The connection happened during the summer when everything was looking hopeful. I had my job that was supposed to start in September and I got along with my landlady. Actually most people experienced a pretty good summer, we have the beach here and the situation of the pandemic was controlled so There was less fear and more hope for everyone. Than the second wave started here and it shifted a lot in people mentally. In my case, additionally I did not return to work and my landlady started to harass me on a daily basis and started to steal and entered my space without my consent and her sons did the same including following my down the street and than my focus became my safety over looking for a job.
I never start a relationship with someone out of desperation like I mentioned it happened only when I escaped from my abusive childhood home. If it was just a fantasy because of the hardship I’m going through I would not plan to connect with that person ever. I’ve had experienced just a fantasy but it remained superficial. I don’t waste my energy if it’s absolutely not sustainable. I do think that there is the possibility that things did not evolve into anything because neither one of us was ready for anything more. I do think that sometimes it’s about timing and not the person. I’m not stuck on that idea but I do feel with the pandemic it’s very realistic: If I had been in a relationship Now with all this happening I would not nourish the relationship appropriately as well as not give the full attention to my situation. I am now well aware I have to change my situation before reconnecting or opening up for a relationship. A few days ago I was not fully convinced until you confirmed that for me and some more drama happened at my apartment.Yes!!! That makes total sense. I’m no different, I need to have options as to not have attachments.
I truly realize I’m not in a place to reach out to any guy right now including him.
He’s certainly on my mind I’ll admit, at least once a day, when I’m less busy several times throughout the day and it keeps me from getting too affected by the drama I’m experiencing. Having a crush has always been magical in hard times. The only time i dated out of desperation and emptiness was when I moved out from the house of my parents where it was very toxic. Now I have self respect and strong values so I know better not to repeat that, It definitely is best to keep focusing on myself and in a month or 2 when things have shifted and I have more clarity on everything I will reach out to him and simultaneously to others that way if he’s not ready when I’m ready someone will be.What do you mean with feeling attachments to how things go? If things don’t move forward then obviously I will not force anything and I will open my heart to someone compatible, just right now I am not searching specifically for men and that’s not because of him. I have other priorities and focus on myself but if he or whoever that could be my future husband comes into my life I can emotionally handle it. I’m strong and I’ve experienced a lot. I’m not looking to make brand new connections though even for friendships. I try not to create additional distractions.
This year is definitely the year i learned to prioritize myself above all and that’s a great accomplishment and makes it worth all the distractions.
Once I feel more certain I will have a better position to open up my heart. I think my circumstances in the past have been roadblocks to opening my heart to a man.Hello,
That’s what I thought. to have more certainty about everything. When I feel more settled financially and getting ready to look to move somewhere else. He will be more drawn to me and perhaps in the new year he feels better as well, obviously it was bad timing for both. The drama was not good to bring in a new relationship. I feel sometimes It happens for a reason. I do work out everyday at least an hour (he knows) but I do it from home. Currently when I do a class that requires weights I use water bottles so that question will definitely be appropriate and authentic, a good reason to purchase a few sets of weights. Asking him questions about that will make him feel good, working out is very important to him as well, he’s very disciplined. Asking a question about photography would sound a little random as I don’t want him to know I look at his photos when he posts, I don’t want to appear too interested.
I will let you know when it’s up, the name is marilyntonya.com and I hope to launch it in a few days. I’m getting some help with it. I hope ir will inspire you with some new recipes. Once it’s up I will post weekly.
I want to teach English private classes but having ir advertised in on a bulletin board in schools may help het students. I will check those platforms out. Thank you!!Btw I did not connect on his social media, his Instagram is private but I was able to see him on tik tok (where he seems surprisingly expressive with his face) and on LinkedIn (which I was not logged into my account so he won’t even see he has another view). He seems to be sharing pics more on his WhatsApp status.
Hello,
I created a plan and I gained some realistic perspective on my goals in the near future! I feel more secure. I made a good connection and I am going to advertise my classes in schools. I will be ready to teach online in January as well! I have more plans with creating my first recipe ebook. I plan to be able to move in the spring. I’ve honestly had a very kind person offer an apartment but the building looks abandoned and occupied by homeless, it’s not the case but the conditions look terrible that I’d rather stay in an uncomfortable situation in my small studio. I don’t have the heart to tell the other person because it’s not even I don’t trust him, i would even have my own apartment so to say but the building looks really bad and a good cleanup won’t make all the difference. It’s good to know people are eager to help me. My new connection is an Irish retired whom I’m helping with Spanish and some other things. I feel this will open other possibilities as well and perhaps I can manage his apartment when he leaves at the end of the winter, I intend to manage apartments for foreigners on the side.
I’ve been wide awake since 3 Am as the inflammation from my teeth around my wisdom tooth that I just got pulled Last week started to bother. I then looked on the guy that I stopped talking to his post on WhatsApp and later found him on social media, I i had nothing else to do and he’s on my mind especially enduring the same pain he had in September, I’m also thinking about reaching out to him. I’m debating it In my head if I should send him that message “I’m trying to build muscles without losing my feminine look should I do higher reps with lower weights or lower reps with higher weights?”
I want to do it but I’m also thinking what if it’s not time yet? Perhaps in the beginning of next year I am in a more secure situation and he is in a better place as well. I realize this is part my fear talking. He doesn’t seem to hibernate, he’s doing positive things at least. I analyze and over analyze. I give myself excuses and some of them seem to have real value so it makes me really think. If this is a one shot opportunity, I need to be prepared and it’s about timing as well. I’m concerned more about his timing, as for me I feel I can offer the right things but I want to take it slow, and be cautious so I don’t lose sight of taking care of myself and in case we don’t get into a committed relationship I keep myself from having a bad heartache! I think that not having expectations of how often to meet should play a role at first, I was pushing that last time as I felt so intense about sharing my birthday with him. Logically I will not anticipate anything for the holidays so soon especially with the global situation it’s going to be ok.
Men don’t look so much for a woman who’s so secure financially so it’s ok to be a work in progress I think.
I’m just a little bit in a dilemma.Any thoughts or suggestions?
I am sorry for venting. I created a plan for steps I need to take to get out of my situation. I am already getting new contacts for teaching.
I feel like things are actually starting to shift alreadyI am missing social interaction but I don’t know many people here yet and some are afraid of the virus and so I have had less interaction in person, I see people throughout my week, but nobody to give a nice hug or have an extended conversation with. I go to a center to look for jobs and get assistance with building my website and that’s something that makes me feel happy. I’ll probably launch it this week and I’ll share with you. I have people to talk about my situation and that helps keeping me from going crazy. I want to see people but feel normal, if going for a run on the beach we’re we don’t wear masks is an activity u could share or something like that or walking in nature by my house. Once they stop harassing me when I bring someone over, perhaps I’ll invite someone to visit. I gave t had many visitors even before the pandemic. I definitely would love to not be alone for Christmas. I am a people person bye so well alone too especially for self care and writing or anything productive. I think the social distancing restrictions will last until early 2021 or maybe I’m too optimistic. Here we have to stay at home from 10 pm and only until six non essential businesses are open which limits a lot as most people work during the day. We can also not leave the city limits.
I hope people will start feeling less stressful and have more hope when the new year starts.
I think the worst factor is the media and in my case I’ve been affected with losing my job and many are suffering economically. In my case once I can start working online I hope that it will open many new possibilities besides having a new apartment.Marilyn
