[Theresa P]

Hi Kanya

thank you for your response.
Controlling still is a part which I am working on, where “I want him to behave like this and that” is a part. But I am making huge progress.
I have very high expectations of myself and my surrounding, since always this is my journey to keep them in a good balance.

Regarding your question about childhood. I actually don’t see something really there. Maybe situations with my elder sisters, when I was too young to participate in playing. But I don’t connect it that much in my feelings not having received attention. I am the third of three siblings but with a bit of a time-difference (6 years and 9 years), my childhood has been very affectionate and my parents have always been there for us. I actually see myself as the third one being spoiled (not on a high level, but as I was so little compared to the other two and received the “gifts/possibilities” they were fighting for before).

In regards to this:
“I’m also sensing that you are missing the physical affection that may be your love language. How can you ask for that while also allowing him to have his space at times? If you approached him in a fun and creative way do you think he would be more receptive than if you are disappointed or angry?”
No, I am definitely not missing affection, our love life leaves me without needs, and he usually is very affectionate, can^t get enough from me.
I figured that the problem about this conflict situation started earlier that weekend, because he was very distant and shut down because of a conflict with his ex-wife. I told him that he can talk to me if he needs it, but he didn’t want, only that she said something which was totally over the top and he was dissapointed that she didnt say sorry for that.
So I think there were other things which went through his head and that he just couldn’t be receptive. And because I didnt know what’s really going on, because he didnt talk about what’s going on in his mind/heard and tried to connect to him a couple of times before already the situation in the night was “too much” for me then and I reacted.

I think we finally got to one of the main issues last week, when he opened up after a few days silence.
We had a good conversation where he told me that he really sees everything he is dreaming about – with me.
But that he has trust issues with me because he thinks that I haven’t been honest all the time. (He said that once already in march, when we broke up).
The thing is: I have been honest all the time in a sense that I didnt really lie or hided something on purpose, or did something wrong which I had to lie about.
But through our conflicts and the way he reacts in those in an aggressive way I started to become anxious about his reactions and startet to speak unsteadily and blurry, just because I was afraid that he would become emotional again if he doesn’t like the answer.

As he brought up this again now, I am trying to figure out what this means to me now. A part of me wants to shout out loud “honey you can trust me, because there is nothing and I didnt lied on purpose. There is a reason for this and it has to do with how I feel about your reaction in situations of conflict”. But I know this is not the way which will work because it will sound like an accusation for him.

On the other side I gained so much self-trust again, that this part of me tells me “I don’t want to be in a relationship where my partner holds on to “no trust” over and over again. This part tells me “trust is a choice, and we said we leave everything behind. So its his choice to trust again and give us the chance to reassure himself that he can trust when situations arise where he is not sure.”

What do you think what could help so that he can understand and reflect on this?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by Theresa P.

[Theresa P]

and I forgot to answer on this:
Who has treated you like this before? It sounds like his choices to “hide” you is triggering something in you from your past that hasn’t been completely resolved yet. Thoughts on this?

Yes, maybe there is something, but I think its more about seriousness/apreciation:
I had a tough journey with my exex (I call it the last “real” relationship – 5 yrs together). We ve been a dream-team for the first year, and then he wanted to go to do his master abroad (we lived in Hamburg, Germany). I knew he applied in London and Copenhagen, but he never told me that he also did in Barcelona (we were 20 and 22 by that time). Then he received the acceptance letter and told me about it and he had to leave within three weeks. Which he did, so it was quite rushed.
A whole world came crushing down on me and I never really found a way out. I had so much struggle with the long distance relationship that I swore myself I would never do this again – one of the reasons why I moved down to Switzerland now so fast because of my current boyfriend.

Half a year later I went abroad to South America for 4 months, and I realized that I needed space and wanted no contact for a bit. In this phone-call we ended up with an open relationship because I wasnt clear what I really wanted and he brought up that topic because he believed that this is what I wanted. This caused to even more suspiciousness but we somehow made it and got reunited after my exchange semester. Maybe heres a “hidden” part, because we had that rule that we won^t talk about what happened during this time and if we met someone etc. We also had the rule that the persons are not in a constant friend-circle or people you hang out with still. But when in Barcelona a few months after I came back I found out that there was a girl in his friends circle which whom he had hooked. I just felt it in the moment we all went out together. And he admit when I asked him. I even lost more trust in him, but kept believing we will make it.

One year leater he came back from Barcelona, but he didnt want to move together with me (which was my hope), but with one of his best mates instead.
I felt rejected again.
When he finally one year later in our vacation together asked me if we want to start looking for a flat together I lets say “ran away”. I “fell” for someone I got to know a month after and figured that I didnt love my boyfriend anylonger and we quit our relationship three months after I got to know the other guy.
I then wanted him back, realizing that I fell in love with the other guy because of traits he had which I missed on my boyfriend and not because of the guy himself. But it was too late.

You have to know that he was a really good man and that he never treated me badly. He just stayed “himself” in times where I lost myself completely because of his move to Barcelona. And he never wanted to really have this open relationship himself, he kind of felt forced into it as well. We had a long talk about it in the holiday where he asked me if we want to move.
I could not just see the way he loved me, because I wanted him to love me differently (he was a bit cold (nordish guy type), and I’ve missed this cuddling, sensitive side who understands me,is there for me in the way I needed it. but I could never tell him what would help me).

I honestly thought I worked through all that after our relationship, but maybe I couldnt solve it to the very ground and there are still parts in me with fear/anxiety/feeling rejected which I mirror onto my boyfriend???

[Theresa P]

Hi Heidi

thank you so much for your message.
I burst in tears just now, because you are speaking so directly about what I deep inside struggle with so hard.
Do you think that conflicts like above are just a surface and wouldnt be there if I /we were able to find a way out of this situation?

I dont really know how to get there to be okay with this, as I am dreaming so much of a life together. And I don`t want to feel that way because I really care so much about him. Its just so hard and I dont know how to let go. I really wish I could, but it does bother me still. I am fine for a few feeks, but after about 2 months its all coming “up” again….like right now with Christmas…

Then conflicts arise, and the way he handles those (or in general respond to my flaws) with shutting down, with ignoring me, with stonewalling, deciding when he wants to talk again etc. are killing me.
And then I dont see anything anymore in those situations and step out, wanting to “end all of this”, because they hurt so much. I just cant stand this type of conflict. It makes me feel lost, so rejected, so not loved. I find it hard to understand how someone can act like he does when he loves that person.
It’s so tiring and exhausting, that I am nearly about to give up.

So I basically have two issues:
the one with making it offical, really starting an honest, open relationship together. And I somehow have the feeling that many of our problems would fade away with him really showing comittment. Or me being able to really let go.

And then the part he acts in conflicts. When they first came up beginning of this year I thought its all about me. It took me months to realize that its his problems, his issues and not mine and that I am the one who is “getting it”. That he is just not capable of handling the real me, like all of it – also the “ugly” parts. That he doesnt heave the emotional possibilities with everything whats going on in his life.

Now our conflicts are more about us, and about our flaws.
About situations which are kind of normal, or at least they can happen because we all have our moments, or fears on which we react. But there is no real issue behind it (like the couch/Sleeping situation), and can to my mind be easily solved once the person who had the moment feels regret and apologzies. But thats not possible for him, and to me its feels like he wants to be stuck in conflict.

Am I realizing now that my “moments” are maybe all expression of my inner fight, my conflict about my position in his life?
Is it my inner “not-trusting” bursting into small ways of reacting latched, or showing him disappointment in a certain way?

Your answer feels good for me and that is what I want to tell him and want for me, too. I am just not sure this is the truth. That I will be able to really let go and be okay with it =(. At the moment and to be really honest, I am still not totally okay with it.

And then there is the point that the way he acts in conflicts is really a red flag for me because it really hurts, and that he needs to be willing to work on that, too. As I tried last time to ask for his willingness he said that he just reacts, and that I shouldnt make “my problems” to his.
It feels to me like as if he just wants the good parts, and that makes it so hard to be okay with the way he handles his divorce/ family / commitment to me. It makes it so hard to trust, when there is no “point” to stick to.
Do you understand what I mean?

[Theresa P]

thanks for your response.
I just waited until he finally texted me on sunday morning that he would like to understand why I overreacted and if we want to meet and I’ll explain it to him. Which we then did.
It was a real emotional conversation, but on a grown-up level and he told me that he understands.
I think what bothered me was, that I asked for a small promise which he kind of didnt took serious (even though its really not an issue and a big promise about sleeping on the couch or not and which wasnt the case, he tried but fell asleep anyway). But that promise was way more to me, as our shared situation with his child is still making me feel separated and not taken serious. And he said quite a few times already that we soon will be all together and that he will soon talk to his ex.
And I kind of dont trust his words because nothing happened since then. They feel like “false promises” to me. I guess that what made me overreact in that situation.

I can totally see to support him better rather than working against what he struggles with. And I really want to work on it and do that. I think I just end up being frustrated from time to time because the current situation is not want I want for a long term relationship.

Regarding the pattern: I started seeing a therapist, because I want to learn and work on my own behaviour with it, I want to understand and learn to set boundaries, and raising my self esteem so moments of crisis don’t end in personal “this is all about me- feelings” and I can figure out if he really is my fit. And lose my anxiousness because I trust myself.
Then Ill hopefully be able to talk to him openly and without desastrous emotions about my expectations, not being afraid of his reaction because I know my boundaries and will be strong enough to express of what I want and need to be relaxed and feeling aknowledged and respected.

You proposed to ask him what he would need to introduce me to the family etc.
I think I know it already – he said that he needs to feel safe about us to take the next step. And that our conflicts lead him to wonder whether we are a good fit for each other.
So we are kind of in the same spot here, just that I have a deep feeling that we are a good fit.
That we are just stuck in an unbalanced situation of him still being in a separation situation and me wanting commitment and another level of partnership. It feels like I HAVE to accept that things will develop in his tempo, not in mine. And that is hard to me as a very determinded person…. ;(

Do you have suggestions on what I could tell/write or show him to make him feel wanting “us” and awaken his feelings he has for me and what he sees in the relationship in this stage?
Where he still needs time to heal his past but can see the future he tells me about (where he sees us) coming closer?
I will continue going my path with the therapist, but she is not a relationship therapist, its just about me. So any tips from you would be highly appreciated.

Thank you so much,
Theresa

[Theresa P]

Hi Kanya,

thank you for your Input and I took some time to think about it and also tried to change some things.
It went really well the last weeks and by letting go I could really improve in not letting my anxiety lead my thoughts and feelings. And, suprisingly, things between me and him became easier, and we could turn down difficult moments and not letting them becoming huge arguments or conflicts. I focussed on speaking in feeling-messages and he did hear me better, and I felt way better because I could express what I was feeling and he responded in a good manner.

Until start of this week, my anxiety came back and I reacted straight away in a moment when I shouldnt have.
The night before I asked him if he would promise me that he would go to bed early enough so he wouldnt end up sleeping on the couch (like he does often and he complains about it all the time, that he is so tired and suffers back pain from that etc.). So I guess I kind of wanted to “help” him with this.
In the morning he texted me that he – against is promise – woke up on the couch. In that moment, it really upset and disappointed me. In that moment it felt like he didnt took my words seriously and I told him that it made me feel upset. I just didnt realized what the exact problem with that was – honestly I usually wouldnt give anything about if he sleeps on the couch or not, or if he hold that small “promise” (of course he didnt fell asleep on purpose). I realized later that day that I reacted on my anxiety that he doesnt keep his words e.g. is not serious with our relationship, and that I have some trust issues because of that.

So I expressed my feelings via whatsapp in a situation when it wasnt really anything serious and I really overreacted. He then got mad over texting telling me that I am crazy and that he doesnt want to have contact anymore. After a day I really felt sorry and understood that I was being totally overreacting and that the situation had pulled an anxiety trigger, and I apologized via whatsapp, opening the door to be able to speak to him face to face and explaining what had happened.
He didnt take my apology. Instead, he wrote back even stronger saying that my behaviour wasnt even inacceptable, but “sick/Ill” and he doesnt want to have anything to do with “that” at the moment and that I please respect that.
No contact since 4 days and no sign from him since then.

He often reacts with accusation like the example above. But he never went silent in such a strong way.
I am lost now what to do and I feel horrible hanging in the air like that. At some point I would like to contact him telling him that this unsolved situation and not knowing when we would meet to figure this out is making me feel lost, horrible, afraid. On the other side I am afraid things will get worse when I contact him after he was so clear about no contact.
But I just dont know what that means to him.
As long as we are in a relationship (which I think we still are??), I find his reaction really hard and difficult to understand. I feel like as long as I am “functioning” everything is fine, and with having a bad moment it all turned 180 degrees around and even after apologizing he reacts like that.

Do you have a tip what I could do?
I came to the point that I can’t take this kind of conflict situation any longer but still wanting to talk about that to him. Not quitting the relationship before giving us/him a chance to reflect on that together.
I just dont know how I can “reach” him now…

Your thoughs are so much appreciated. Many thanks in advance,
Theresa

[Theresa P]

Dear Kayna

thank you so much for your advice and perception.
We talked about the fact that he may need time and that we might met at the wrong time/too early quite at the beginning of our relationship and I was open to let some time pass so he could take his time, but he didn’t want that. He said by then, that he never felt such a strong connection with someone before and that doesn’t want us to stay apart, because he feared that I won’t be there anymore when he is ready. Also because we lived in different cities too and wouldn’t have any chance of seeing and meeting casually.

I can see some things from a different perspective now given your thoughts a while to set in, my gut feeling always told me something like “he is not ready”. I think I started to become anxious and lost self-confidence because I related his behaviour to me as a person and took it personally instead of following my own path with my new life. I took him as my new pillar when other parts of my life where completely uncertain (job, new surrounding etc.), but didn’t realise that he himself was completely uncertain and lost and full of other stuff to deal with.

I couldn’t figure out yet what will work best for me and if I will find peace and the strength to focus on us and our relationship without having found some sort of connection/inner security that it will be worth it. I know there is no guarantee, but its really hard to figure out how to deal with it no matter what will happen and fight the anxiety.
Can you give me some tips /draw a picture of how it could look like to find this focus? I already started to really focus on making myself happy in other stages of life and give him space, and in the meantime using our time just to do fun things, having dates and kind of loosen our “heaviness” to clamp on the relationship, and just enjoy time and recharge our batteries with it.

But I wish I could talk to him about what he needs from me and what his expectations are, especially how we can handle the situation with his family so he won’t feel under pressure and I can still open up, and then being able to work with it. I have such an urgent need to be able to exchange feelings and thoughts in between us, rely on each other, trust each other. But he closes so fast and I feel like being an enemy for him wanting to jump in his family life. Maybe because we had fights about it and are stuck in some sort of triggers. But I really want to show him know that I made things up myself and can understand his situation better. How can I do this without having him closing and starting to be aggressive towards me?

Its so hard because this situation is not easy for me at all, jumping into a patchwork situation and not even being able to find out how that feels. Adjusting to something which is there already and not being able to experience it, nor have open conversation about it.
Is it wrong to expect that the partner should at least be able to meet the need to talk about the other persons feelings?

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