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Hi goodmorning
He do put a lot of pressure on me to make secure here in the sense as you stated he literally want me to be his source of everything in his life, his happiness, his motivation, his sexual drive, like literally everything. And I am tired and I have told him this I am like you don’t understand I am getting really tired you know and as you say he barely does anything that you have stated nothing special to make me feel good , he simply asked if and when I am happy here and I am like I do have happy moments with you I won’t take that but you and ways and your blowups no I am not happy at all. You know I am like you are barely affectionate to me and then he always say he will work on it and then he flips it back on me to say that He can’t be that affectionate because I don’t motivate him, and through sexually sometimes cause when I was thinking I was motivating and supporting him I wasn’t because it was not done to sexual drive consistently. Honestly, I do feel like I am doing more in this relationship and tend to make the comment like I don’t know what he is giving up to be with me meaning his ability to have multiple women and I always tell him I am giving up things to be with you too. So he feels being with me and he giving up his variety in women is something I should worship cause he choose to be here but it’s like it goes both ways. And honestly, sometimes I just wonder what I am doing but I also know I am tired. So something have to be done cause it’s becoming too much! And when I expressed with him he tend to apologize for it and say he is sorry but he constantly flips things back on me all the time. Sighhh
And also in having this discussion with him, he did apologize etc. but as we talked I realize that he is not as much mature as yet. Because as we discussed our issues he said the main thing is I don’t motivate him enough but I am like I am supporting, anything he needs I help him with ,I cheer on his accomplishments and I even make plans on how to help him achieve some of his goals while working on myself as well. But he literally said his motivational drive will be much better if i am sexually satisfying him in every way. Not saying sex is not important but to see that he links his sex drive to his motivational drive rather than all the other things I have and is still doing. I was taken aback like now I know how and why the disconnect is constantly taking place. What are your thoughts on this??
Good morning,
Thanks for continue support and thoughts. It is greatly appreciated and yes I do feel like we tend to have disconnects frequently and sometimes it is part of how I grew up our culture differences. Yes I would have like to talk to him as I drove home but before it even got to the point he already told me that we will discuss this tomorrow have a goodnight. And that’s why I felt how i did is because you are not even checking on me at all knowing the weather is bad. But I will definitely look into getting that book that you recommended immediately. Also I am happy here because like I said he is not a bad partner it’s just that bombshell he tends to drop in those moments. I do think a relationship should have work but not so much that it constantly feels like a battle.
Hi, I would like everyone opinion on this scenario that took place over this weekend. I want to know if I am wrong. So on Friday he went out with his friends and didn’t invite me sure I didn’t mind told him have fun etc. so I made plans with my best friend to go out dancing we haven’t in like over a year so excited everything. I woke up Saturday by his house and he was moving all stand-off with me and I am like baffled so he said is because he had a lot on his mind and was just thinking but mind you he know I was leaving a few because I made my spa appointment. So I told him why every time you wake up on the weekend to me you have to move that way and in the way he move is like I am a bother to him and he won’t show affectionate or anything. He said he didn’t feel like he was doing that okay I must be going crazy to feel that way. Fast forward to the night time now it was pouring rain out of the blue got to love south Florida. But we couldn’t even make it out to the club even though we attempted but the closer we got the harder it rain so we turn around to go back home. So I asked him like I don’t want to drive in this weather, I said you don’t mind coming for me? Cause he is better he lived up here all his life compare to me that just move up here 3 yrs ago from the Virgin Islands. So he said no . I said okay fine I will stay here until the rain holds up or just sleep here but I don’t like sleeping out like my thing is always make it home you know and he knows that. He never once offered to stay up with me or check on me to see how the weather is etc. he never even texted to see what was the outcome. Nothing . His last text was we will just finished this conversation tomorrow goodnight. So it’s 2am and the rain holds up now I attempted to drive home just my luck the both ways to get on the turnpike was blocked off because it look likes accident that took place. So now I am extra frustrated and I am like alright I am stuck I will just sleep by her till sunrise at 7 I did just that and left to come home. Now he texted me at 10am asking if I made it home safe.. so I am like ohh you care now if I do . So he called and was like he thought i was playing games because I wanted him to leave where he was to come get me after I didn’t even invite him out . Now why would invited him if I wanted to just go out with my best friend only. And then he was like I didn’t tell him I didn’t want to sleep by her . So me asking you to come get me is not a clear indications that I wanted to make it home. Then he said I should have told him I wanted to talk to him as I drive home. Now if you are the man you wouldn’t want to make sure I made it home so you will called and talked to me and figure out my situation as my partner?? And then he said but how maybe I am not good enough for him.. lol. Hilarious .Now I am really feeling that maybe my expectations of the man I want and deserve is to high for him because it just not making sense to me at all any more. If I am wrong please let me know. PS
Thank you very much for that and I do agree with you in all aspects. And he have stated that he knows he needs to work on himself as well. It’s not easy for one to see what they’re doing within a relationship and you have pointed it out to me as you stated I am his source of his self esteem and by me responding the way I was doing it maybe I thought it was the best option but I can see exactly why it would not be from how you but it into words. I will start adjusting myself to not feed into his ways in that way but read the resources you have provided to look for an healthy alternative. We both are aware that the relationship needs to get fixed now before moving forward so that’s why I came here to see what part I am playing and how to learn different ways to improve for the both of us. So thank you very much !!
Hi, thanks for the insight and I know it have a lot to do with his insecurities and yes I do know that I am amazing and strong and that I know for sure. And truth be told I know I don’t deserve any of it as well and that’s why I went searching for understanding as to what we can possibly do. I do like him as a person I just don’t that part that stems from his jealous insecure parts that is basically driving a wrench in the relationship. I would like to work on it but to what extent you know. I always feels like I have to make him feel secure here but he don’t do the same for me. It’s just been a lot and as the day’s goes by I am just doing a lot more soul searching on my part. Yes I have discussed to him in the manner in which he was communicating with me before I did that like and that it needs to stop and he have started improving in that area. I know because of his history is where it stems from and no I don’t excuse it but I would lie and say that he haven’t been trying to change his ways cause he have. So we both are trying to get through it all by finding solutions. But is there a book that anyone can recommend that we can read together to start improving more.
Yes it have been taking a toll on me for sure very stressful at times. And this relationship do slightly mirror some of the behaviors from the past In the sense that my relationship he was older and insecure and would constantly asked to see my phone etc. the difference here is even though he don’t constantly asked to see my phone he do asked who I am texting when I am around him and he tend to be very uneasy for instance a few months ago he said the way I was holding my phone up to my face as I text make it seems like I was hiding something from him. When in reality it was just comfortable to text like that for me you know it’s little things like that but then he fixes his mouth to say no he is not insecure and he don’t question me but his actions shows different. He says that whenever he feels I might not have done something he likes especially cause I am more quiet and reserve on my end so I am quiet but if he asked me a question etc. I would answer and talk to him but I am very reserve so if he feels in the moment I am not talking enough he gets an attitude and say that maybe I am not enough for him etc. when I asked for space i was talking like months space because we was not together and I wanted space because he said he wants us to work on the relationship at that time but then I caught him talking to females on the dating app. So I wanted to stop all communication cause I wasn’t going to let that happen and I am here but he didn’t want that so he stopped talking to the others and we started trying to fixed us again. In the moments i do hang with my friends he said he always want to beforehand, i can’t plan anything last minute cause that have been an issue in the past. So it’s been like this for a while.
