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Hi Heidi, thanks for the lovely reply. I’ll keep that in mind.
Thanks so much for your help, and Kanya too. I’m going to have to cancel my forum membership, at least for now. But I really appreciate you guys’d help.
Take care, and happy new year!
Hi Kanya, I think that’s the best thing to do, yes. To let go of any hope. I’ll check out Calling “in the One”, thanks!
Thing is, I don’t want a “relationship”, at least not the way most people define it. I just want someone who cares about me, wants to spend time with me. Someone to have fun with. I don’t want any “rules” that I see people making up, like “well, now that we’re in a relationship I want to see you at least three times a week. Every Saturday too. And please call me every night.” None of that. Does that make sense? So I don’t think it would be accurate if I told him I want a relationship to go with the sex. I certainly don’t care about titles either.
I’m not very good at expressing myself, and on top of that English isn’t my first language. So I don’t really know how to communicate what I want to him if it ever comes to having that conversation.
I would still like help with my last question, though. I’m pretty sure I don’t have to worry about it because IF he asks me to hang out, it won’t be anytime soon. But I’m interested in an answer in any case.
Hi Kanya! Thanks for your response.
The first time I did it his behaviour changed almost overnight. The second time he started chasing me almost overnight as well. He didn’t even have time to miss me.
The third time though, when I took the 3-month break, he kept on just sending memes and it took him I think a month to check in. Then another month of memes before checking in again.I haven’t dated anyone else because I despise online dating. But I’m open to finding someone else “in real life”. And hell yes I want more! I really like this guy but he’s not giving me what I want. I want a man who’ll pursue me and know he’s lucky to have me in his life.
Yes, I’m well aware of the reality. I agree that if he were interested, he would act. And you’re right, I think I need a break too. Take a step way back, as you said.
I understand your definition of distance and creating the feeling of missing me, but I’m still a bit lost on how to take this step back without being cold. But I think I can strike a balance. What do you mean by “making a bigger chance”?I’m just so tired. Taking a step back will do me good.
Oh, one thing I forgot to point out. He’s over 45, and he’s told me before that his “drive” comes and goes. He’s apologized to me once for sending me “mixed signals” and that’s it’s nothing to do with me, “it’s just how he is”.
I don’t think that explains his behaviour completely, but thought I’d point that out. You might find that information useful somehow.
Forgot to answer one of your questions: “Do you have any sense at all that he still has attraction for you or would be interested in trying again?” Well, he said I’m “still a hotness”, but the scheduling kinda sucks. So yeah, doesn’t mean much, I don’t think.
Hi Heidi!
Sorry, been busy for a while and for some reason I don’t get notified of new replies here.
I totally get what you’re saying about him not having much to chase. No, we’re not flirting at all. I tried flirting, and he just replies with an emoji or something like that. When I say I text normally, I mean normal for us, hah. We basically just exchange memes and comment on it, laugh and joke around. He never starts an actual conversation or checks in anymore, though.
But even then, another cycle of the push and pull started again. He got quieter, just dumps a meme and doesn’t say anything. So I pulled back. I’m so tired of these push-and-pull cycles. I’ll be honest, I screwed up several times. I’m not going to only blame him. Before, whenever I pulled back and he came chasing, I would pounced like a tiger, and that scared him away. Rinse and repeat.
Anyway, no, we’re not flirting. But I did make a stupid mistake. You know how I asked him out (already a mistake, in my opinion)? Well, not only that, I made the HUGE mistake of saying flat out that I wanted to bang him (I was horny, I wasn’t really thinking!). And then I tried flirting two or three times and, like I said, he only responded with an emoji, or with “lol” (I know I’m funny, even when I flirt, but geez haha).
And thennn… I got pissed about pulled away again. Begin push-and-push cycle…
I don’t know what I should do next. All I know is that I will NOT chase him anymore. If he doesn’t pursue me, then he’s welcome to leave. I’ll even hold the door for him. I just want to know if there’s anything I can do, or how I should act. What do you think?
And also… If, by some miracle, he does ask me out, how do I backpedal on what I said earlier? I’m ok with hanging out with him, but I have no desire to sleep with him when he didn’t work for it at ALL. I want him to work a bit for it before we sleep together again. How do I explain that to him without sounding bitchy or that I’m saying “look, no relationship, no sex”? Because that’s really not what I want. I just want to take it slow, and I want him to show that he cares.
I want to know how to bring it up and not sound weird, and definitely not sound like I’m begging him to get back to me. I want to communicate that “hey, it’s up to you now. If you don’t make it happen, I sure ain’t gonna chase after you,” you know?
Either he makes it happen, or it’s just not going to happen at all. The reason I invited him was because since we took that long break (I mentioned I distanced myself for 2-3 months) I figured I maybe needed to show I’m still willing to give things a try.
But now that I’ve made the invitation, I want it all to be completely on him. In fact, it would be really nice if he would pursue me like he did in the beginning… That’s another thing I need help with, to be honest.
But let’s get my other question out of the way first!
Hi again!
A couple weeks ago I asked him if he wanted to hang out. He said he’d love to, but “no time soon”. Said he’s busy, blah blah. I said that’s ok, and we’ve been texting normally. But now I realized I didn’t leave the ball back in his court — I didn’t say “Just let me know when you’re free” or anything.
How can I bring that up now without it being weird and out of nowhere?
Awesome! “Hang in there” has always been go-to response when showing support, so I’m glad that it’s not mothering. And no, I haven’t had the chance yet, but when the opportunity comes up I’ll be sure to use Heidi’s tips.
About the scent question: thanks for your input! I got a sunflower petals, orange flower and vanilla perfume that smells really nice.
I have another question about a different topic. Thought I’d ask it here instead of creating a new thread.
James mentions men dislike floral scents and find fragrances like vanilla, cinnamon buns and pumpkin pie appealing, “mixed with a lighter touch of something feminine”. I was curious — what about perfumes that mix floral scents AND “food” scents like vanilla or apple?
Hi Heidi,
That’s such a great reply, thank you! Yes, it all makes a lot of sense. I was just never sure of what to say when he just mentioned he was having a rough day. I didn’t want to sound mothering, nor sound dismissive. But that combination of validation and curiosity is great.
But that very specific question of “hang in there” is still in my mind. Is that mothering? English isn’t my first language, so I thought I would ask to make sure.
Thanks!!
Thanks, Kanya! I think it would mean the most to him (and what would be most authentic to me) would be telling him “You got this” but letting him know I’m there if he needs anything.
Before, I would usually say “Hang in there”. Does that sound like I’m doubting his strength or mothering him? Or is that OK? Maybe coupled with a “You got this”?
