[L M]

Hi Heidi.

Thanks for your reply.

There are a number of reasons that I want to stay.

I have hope that the person he can be at times, the kind caring, helpful person will come out more often.
I love him deeply and feel as though his is my soul mate, my person. I can be very intuitive when I get out of my head and if my relationship ends I dont see myself being with anyone else, which isnt a problem because i know i could be very happy alone. But I’d rather be happy with him. There are moments of so much joy. I guess the good times are amazing and the bad times are dreadful.
For non religious reasons I dont ever want to get divorced (I know I can stay married to him but not be with him).
I want to help him be a better person.
Also some fear of failure comes up, that my friends and family might look down on me or judge me for failing my marriage. But mostly I will judge myself.

He also has this child like spark of life at times, that I love. I feel as though I never had a childhood, so when he has that child like fun I get to be childish as well, when I’ve really struggled to be that way without him.

There are probably other reasons, but these are the main ones I think

[L M]

Hi Kanya.

Thanks for your reply.

Interesting to hear about how taking medication can feel to them. I can see why he would stop taking it and not want to go on it again. He obviously likes the voice in his head..

I’m a bit lost on what you mean when you said the things I did with my mum are what I need to do with my husband?
Do you mean keep hiding my feelings from him and only take affection on his terms?

You are right he cant tolerate the closeness. I have worked that out, that is why he thinks my family hate him when they dont and why he thinks I dont show him love. Because what he thinks is love isnt love. The manipulation and the hurt he felt as a child from his parents is what he thinks love is. So when he tells me he wants hugs and kisses, he is right, he longs for it, but when he gets it he cant handle it and pushes me away. Then the cycle continues.

Yes I have wondered if he is a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies, I also wonder if maybe its bipolar or multiple personality disorder, because at times he can take things on board and he can apologize and be an amazing person, but it is very hard to find that person. And then when I do tell him my insecurities he will often use them against me further down the track but in a way that I cant say hes controlling or manipulative.

Aside from leave, which I dont want to do,
I dont know what to do, the things I’ve tried dont seem to work.
I’ve tried using I statements.
I’ve tried getting him to come to my counselor.
I’ve tried asking his friends for help.
I’ve tried ignoring the hurtful things.
I’ve tried standing my ground and telling him not to say hurtful things.
I’ve tried reading books to him.
I’ve tried listening to podcasts with him.
I’ve tried leaving things on the fridge for him to read, or writing positive affirmations on the bathroom mirror..

Theres probably so many other things I’ve tried, nothing seemed to work. Unless I just need to stick these things out longer..

[L M]

Hi Heidi,

Thanks for your insightful post.
It resonates with me 100%.

No he isnt on medication but has been in the past. He drinks a lot so the results didnt show right away, he couldnt feel a change but I saw a change. He stopped taking them however because he said the weren’t helping.

We have been married for only 2 years now. He wasnt entirely like this when we got together. I never saw this side of him when we met. We were friends first, we first met about 13 years ago.
After we got married things got worse.
When he was a child his dad was physically abusive and his mum never did anything about it so he felt unloved by them both. But the thing that breaks my heart is that he has a flat spot on the back of his head, which to me indicates he spent a lot of time in his cot alone.. his is the middle child, second boy with a younger sister so he feels (and I do too from the way they treat him) as though he was only born because they wanted a girl and they didnt get a girl with him so he was just cast aside.

His grandparents took him in at age 13 because he was getting bullied at school as well. His grandparents loved him like he was the only one in the world.
So he now has this weird complex where he feels like hes always in the wrong and he is to blame for everything, but that he is entitled to everything his heart desires..

When I talk to him about his childhood he tells me I dont know what I am talking about..
He has been with me to my counselor at one point but wont go back now because he says I’m just lying to everyone by only telling my side of the story. I told him my side is the only side I can tell. I can guess his side and share that, but that’s still my truth of what’s going on. If he wants them to know his truth he will have to come and share it. He still says no..

As for me, I was very loved as a child by my parents and still am.
I have a couple of issues from childhood. One is I was a very sensitive child. I’d cry at the drop of a hat. My mum hated it and would always tell me not to cry. So if I did need to cry I’d run to my bedroom and sob into my pillow as quietly as possible so she wouldn’t hear and growl me. When she did tell me off, it was never too harsh but as a sensitive kid it hit me hard. So now as an adult I feel like I can’t cry. And if I feel like I need to I will do everything in my power to stop it as soon as possible. I know its unhealthy, I really struggle to let it out even though I try to tell myself to let it out.
My husband also hates when I cry. He tells me I’m being manipulative..

My mum also (only one time) pushed me away when I wanted a hug from her. After that I never tried hugging her again because that feeling of rejection was more than I could handle. So now I have trouble showing any emotion. Not just my sad side, I have trouble showing affection, and from being raped as a teenager (having my virginity taken), I struggle with sex also. So my husband (and everyone else, myself included) struggles to know how I’m feeling.
So as a child I became a people pleaser to get love and appreciation from adults. I’d go above and beyond so I’d get a smile, or a good girl, or some small token. I still do that today. I will do anything for anyone if it will make me feel good about myself. Then I sometimes get resentful of my friends and husband for taking advantage of me.
I have a lot of work on my hands to be more “selfish” and look after myself first.

[Author]

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