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For about the last week things between us have been really I feel like I want to say something but I also feel like if I do it he might start thinking about we everything to much and try to pull away again so I’ve just been letting things ride. Should I say something or wait a little longer
I really don’t think so. Like I said I’ve known since I was 14 I’m now almost 20. I have just always since I met had this feeling about him that I can’t quite explain. Anyway, I saw him the other night and we talked and told him what that I think a lot of this has to do with his dad and what his friend had said. He didn’t really seem to understand how that can and in a way already has become detrimental in more than one aspect of his life. He said that it keeps him motivated and working hard but I think it’s also the reason why he’s pushing me away. He thinks he has to be successful before he can be in a relationship but I think that will only bring him trouble in the end. If he continues to think in that way he will never really achieve the true happiness or success he says he so desperately wants. He’s so concerned about not being his dad and about being “better” than him that he maybe isn’t really living the life that he wants. I don’t think he’s really doing the things he’s doing because it’s what he wants to be doing. I think he’s doing all of these things including pushing me away because he has this idea that it’s what he has to do. I am again at a loss I have no idea what to do or say. He doesn’t think he can make me happy but he does he makes me so happy. happier than I have ever been really. But me telling him that doesn’t seem to really make any difference in his thinking.
I suppose that is true. I’m also not naive to the fact that it’s not always going to easy. that work is required to make anything work. I have heard from a mutual friend of ours that I’m not the only one who thinks a lot of his issues come back around to his dad. A friend of his was talking about how Ryan doesn’t think that he is successful. How he compares a lot of what he does in life to his dad. he talks about how he doesn’t want to be like his dad but Mesures every success in his to his dad. How he wants so badly to be better than his dad but by focusing so heavily on that he falls to it. He pushes people away because he doesn’t want to hurt them in the pursuit of that. By not believing that he is doing well and that he is enough he’s hurting the people he cares about. Creating this vicious cycle.
He told me today that he doesn’t think we should sleep together anymore. Maybe hes right. It’s just that it really feels like everything in my world is falling apart I decided that I was gonna leave school and if I do that I also lose my job. I feel like i have totally lost control of my life. I dont want anyone else. It’s been weeks and I never felt this way about anyone else before. I think everything happened to fast. Then we were looking around and weren’t prepared for where we were. I am again at a total loss of what to do. Hes pushing me away again.
I saw him today he got a new motorcycle and brought it by to show my dad. He hugged me before he left and he just he pulled me so close and held me so tight. It was like everything in that moment was just at peace. He just makes me feel so safe he feels like home. I just feel like hes conflicted like hes so worried about how things could go wrong hes pushing me away. I love more than I have ever loved anyone else. I just wish he would relax a little sometimes. He talks about worrying that he cant give me what I need that I’ll meet someone else who treats me better. He was telling me about how when his roommate comes to him about relationship stuff he always tries to hype him up the unfortunate thing is his roommate doesn’t do that for him. In fact it seems his roommate does quite the opposite. Leading Ryan to think that hes not doing a good enough job. I also think that his roommate is taking advantage of Ryan a little bit. But ryan always sees the good in people and doesn’t want to believe his friend would do that. I just worry.
I would say that it’s not really a normal reaction from me. I’m usually very outgoing and pretty happy go lucky but lately I find myself being more reserved and kind of in the background not really saying anything. Which isn’t really like me at all. In the last couple of weeks I’ve been seeing him a couple times a week and it’s in those times inbetween that I find myself feeling this way. It’s like I can snap from fine to not in half a second and in those times I sometimes let my mind get the best of me. Which just puts me deeper into that feeling.i think it’s more than just him miss I think it’s also feeling secure I’m finding myself insecure when I normally wouldn’t be.
We’ve talked and hes agreed to just taking it a day at a time. Though he still seems a little apprehensive or hesitant. It seems like maybe hes trying to protect me from himself. That for some reason I’m his head its better to push me away now. I think that maybe he thinks he can’t give me what I want or “need” and that he thinks that I’ll eventually find it in someone else and leave him. So I think hes trying to protect both of us. He was telling me that when his roommate talks to him about relationship stuff he try’s to hype him and stuff. The unfortunate thing is that this isn’t returned none of his friends do that for him. So I feel like he thinks maybe he isn’t a great boyfriend that he doesn’t treat me the way he thinks I should be. But I know that everyone needs alone time to relax and unwind. I think maybe I had become a little bit codependent I was there alot and he felt bad about not always being there too. Even though it didn’t really bother me him going out after work on his motorcycle. I want nothing more than for this to work. Things are good between us but still some days I’m fine and others I miss him so much it hurts.
We’ve talked and I’ve seen him too. I think that a lot of the issues that he’s having stem from the way he grew up and the way his dad was. Hid dad is a diagnosed sociopath I know that he being the oldest took the brunt of a lot of his dad’s outbursts. He has in the past expressed that he doesn’t ever want to put someone through what he saw his mom go through and fear of put kids through what he went through. I think this is the root of a lot of the issues because he often expresses concern saying he sees things in himself that remind him of his dad and that it scares him. He has also has said that sometimes things will start to feel really real and that I think scares him so he runs. He has also expressed worry that we’ll get 15 20 years down the road and realize that it won’t work anymore. I don’t really know what to say to him with that. We can’t control that now we only have control over today. I also think he’s pushing me away now because he’s afraid that he’ll be the way his dad was and that he’ll end up hurting me worse. he also said to me the other day that he doesn’t think he can give me a healthy loving relationship he with that said that he’s just not built that way that he never has been that he doesn’t like it or know why but he just can’t. I think that this again comes back around to his dad and I also think it has a lot to do with his mindset. I can’t fix that for him but I just don’t know what to do or what to say.
So I saw him today and we talked and I told him you know that I think you know we need to just take it a day at a time. All I know is that I love him and that I don’t really want to be with anyone else and he agreed. He said it’s not the commitment that he’s afraid of but that we’ll get 15 20 years from now and realize that it won’t work anymore. He also brought up his dislike for labels as he feels that they change everything. He said he was afraid to break my heart again and that it broke his too doing it. I’ve told him that for the entirety of the time that I’ve known him it seems like I start to get close and he pushes me away again and again. He said that sometimes it starts to feel too real and that I think it scares him so he runs. He said he’s afraid if we were to get back together right now he would just run again cause he doesn’t feel like he’s really changed. He said he has stuff in himself he needs to figure out.
I think that maybe true. It’s also a hard thing to navigate with everything going on in the world but I mean I think we both need our own stuff and he maybe felt bad cause he had all this stuff that he wanted to do and I wasnt really going out and doing stuff very often or at all really.
So I was seeing him every night pretty much (even if I wasn’t gonna spend the night) since his roommate moved in and he had suggested that I start staying there every other night instead of several nights in a row and things were heading that way I was okay with doing that but at the time we broke up my parents were out of town so I had spent the last couple of nights there. He also mentioned that even when I wouldn’t stay that it seemed like I would forget things on purpose and I mean he wasn’t totally wrong. I just wished he expressed that the “space” and me spending every other night instead of every night was so important to him. I didn’t understand that it meant so much to him till it was too late. With my parents being out of town it meant I was all alone at their house so I had been staying there more that week. He has also suggested I need better friends I don’t think he’s totally wrong. It’s not that he doesn’t like my friends I think its that when he would go out with his friends that I would just be at the apartment waiting for him to come home. He Thinks I just need friends that better support me. I just think he felt bad about going out and leaving me home and also That he felt bad cause he felt like maybe my friends weren’t as supportive of as they should have been. I think his roommate’s comment came at a bad time and in a way planted the seed for him to think of it in that way.
You spoke about giving him space and respecting and honoring his needs. On this last Sunday, I told him that I thought that we probably both needed some space and time to think but that if he needed anything to reach out. We went almost all of Monday without talking at all like nothing on Snapchat, Instagram, no texts, no calls. Then late in the evening on Monday, he called me. He asked if I was alright that he wanted to check on me because I had seemed upset the night before after I told him that I was because I didn’t want to not talk. after that, we talked and since then we haven’t stopped talking he sends me stuff all the time. When we talked on the phone today I told him that I missed him and he said that he missed me too but that he thought that the distance was good and I don’t really disagree. He also said that he just cared too much about me to break my heart again. It made me so sad because I just really do think that we could make this work out that it’s just gonna take time to figure out. Him saying that I think scared me because I think he might push me away if things start to get good again.
He is less of a talker and more of a doer. That being said I can almost always tell if something is bugging him. He had in a way asked for a little bit of space suggesting I spend every other night at my parents. I just feel as though when his roommate said it seemed as if he was avoiding me it planted that seed in his head to think about it in that way. I totally understand that sometimes he just wanted to go out and have some time to himself. Like I said I saw no issue with him wanting to go ride his motorcycle or go for a drive after a rough day at work. I totally get it. just wanting some time away and out of the house by yourself to think sometimes.
