[Eva]

Hello Kanya,

Thank you for your invaluable advice! What you and Heidi recommended was so incredibly helpful, it gave me strength to be steadfast in sending him a message along the lines of what you and Heidi proposed, because his remorseful tone was so strong that it was easy for me to want to give him a new chance, which could lead to falling back into the pattern of reconnecting with him only to see him disappear again. I was clear about my decision not to talk at least for a month or two for both of us to spend time alone with our thoughts and for him to grow out of his current emotional dilemmas. It was very hard for me doing so, but I strangely felt a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. We didn’t end up talking last night, I believe my message made him rethink his position. We are friends in Facebook. Which he wanted to do from when we started dating. Every time he ran away I unfriended him, because I thought we were done. Then he goes back to srnding me a friend request after he apologizes and asks that we be back together. This time I didn’t, because I didn’t want to create an unnecessary impression there were hard feelings, and I noticed that he posted a meme that said that in the name of growth, he can’t respond anymore to things in life the way he used to. It struck me as an interesting choice on his part to do so. Perhaps, he’s taken my message constructively, and he really wants to give self work and self care a more serious try.

Thank you for having been there to offer precious insights on how to navigate this emotional labyrinth.
Gratefully.

[Eva]

Hello Heidi,

You guessed right I already responded… partly because he kept texting when I didntvreply right away, then he called. My reply was mostly based on the very helpful advice you both gave me. I felt strong doing so. Setting boundaries, telling him I didn’t feel his actions reflect that he’s ready, and that the way he deals with his emotional dilemmas (running away) isn’t aligned with my expectations of a serious and healthy relationship, and therefore it’s top early to reconnect as before. To that he wrote me this yesterday morning… I have been horrible. This is no longer about me, it is now about you. I don’t know how to explain my back and forth. I will work on some suitable logic to best break down this nonsense. I want to explain to you because I do care about you. You have been so kind and patient with me since day one, much much more generosity than I deserve. You deserve peace.
I said I know what I want because I meant it. I want a more than meaningful relationship that includes marriage. I want the rest of my life a partner in every aspect of life. I want someone that I can trust to the core. You and I see some things very differently, and that’s ok, as long as there is mutual understanding and occasional compromise everything will always be ok. I believe my biggest problem was complete life change. The more I think about that change, I realize that it is exactly what I want and need. I know it has only been a couple days but it is amazing when you cut yourself off from everything and everyone, you can see so much clearer the direction that you want to go…

Your advice to me makes perfect sense and every time I re-examined my situation with him it helps me recognize why what you are recommending would be the safest and best way to go. At the same time I feel there are elements in the way he expresses himself now that could be places worth exploring without reintroducing the same negative pattern that’s we have seen so far.
Although he asked so many times yesterday that we speak that same day, although it was his busy work day, I told him I would like to wait until Sunday evening to think about it.

If you’re able to read my message now I wonder if you and Kanya can offer me some advice about how to approach the conversation should I decide to talk to him. If he’s ready to have a conversation attached to actions about setting healthy boundaries and how he envisions himself respecting those boundaries, what would you recommend that my communication with him be like? What would be a good place to start that kind of conversation where there is more accountability and respect of the boundaries on his part?

Thank you so much

[Eva]

Hello Kanya,
I really needed that perspective. Often times, it’s hard to discern specific relationships dilemmas because emotions are involved. I write you literally 15 minutes after he texted thevfollowinh:

” I write to you with a heavy heart and my sincerest apology. I had to shut you and everyone out of my life for a few days to sort myself out and know beyond a shadow of a doubt what I want in life for the rest of my life. I know that I may be too late and have upset you for the last time but I would at least like to talk to you today to explain my actions. If you feel there is no need to speak to me, I will understand. I now am sure how I feel and what I want. This is not just about me and what I want, it is mostly about you and what you want. I am working a very long day again today, the whole week has been quite hectic. Please let me know if you would like to talk today. I look forward to your response.. I hope you and your children are well.”

I’m really torn. I do not trust anymore any talk eith him by text or phone. I feel like saying to him, the only situation where in comfortable talking is in person and if his words are tied to changed actions. Part of me wants to just not respond at all, because I felt that how he acted was selfish and humiliating and therefore upsetting to me. But then I feel it’ll be acting on emotions. His text above says he now knows what he wants and he shows remorse. Those 2 mnake me think it might be a good reason to at least accept to talk, but in person. It means he’ll need to drive 3 hours. If it’s that important to him, he’ll need to show it with action, because I’ve accommodated him more than enough.

If I were to write back, what do you recommend that I say to protect my well being, while not shutting the door in case this is salvageable at all.

With my sincerest thanks. You and Heidi have been phenomenal angels, and I’ve been able to navigate this so far thanks to your sharp insights.

[Eva]

Dear Heidi,

thank you so much again for reading my situation to offer insights in light of the new developments. Your input always helps me see a little bit better and identify blind spots on my end. It is really hard to come to an understanding of how the situation can be reversed, if at all. I have been working hard on not giving my power away, and I felt that my attitude in the past few days reflected it. I did not feel that I was ambiguous when I told him that I know my feelings have not changed toward him and that I do want to be with him, but I will not do so if he’s not emotionally available, yet keeps bringing me back in his confusing patterns of communication about what he wants. So when I asked him to stop the ambiguity it was for me to decide whether to move on with the knowledge that although I DO WANT to be with him, I CANNOT be with him because he is not emotionally available. Meditation and nature walks helped me a lot be at peace with this and not be overwhelmed eith feelings of loss.
I felt that I was being honest with myself this way. I did not want to be in denial about my feelings for him, but I also did not want to be foolish and continue to feed a situation that brings me more harm because of the lack of reciprocity. The only reason I even asked him to confirm to me what he wants and to convince me he is ready is because he reached out to me and he wanted to reconnect (ironically, he did so while I was reaching out to you for advice on whether to reconnect with him or not). I wanted to make sure he knows I am not going to agree to reconnecting as before, unless I have signs that he is ready and that he has moved past his past relationship issues. You are so right, he needs to do so by actions, not just words. I would never have brought up the details of the other date had he not approached me to know what I was doing and asked to talk again about the idea of being together. I felt it was necessary to be honest with him about the other date, so that he knows about the dilemmas that his behavior creates for me and for him. I was hoping it will help him make a choice and do more genuine self reflection about what this connection means to him. Having said that, what do you think is the best approach going from here? I honestly do not feel at this niment that I can see myself ever trusting him again ( although I recognized as you rightly noted in the previous message that things can always change). Perhaps I’m speaking from a place of hurt emotions, because it is hurtful to be found in the same place again just after having heard the same as assurances that with therapy work he now sees everything more clearly and everything made more sense to him and that he’s comfortable rebuilding our connection from a clearer place. The fact that he finds it easy to just discard me and drop out of the picture feels humiliating, because it came right after he made all those assurances to regain my trust that made me lower my guard again to be emotionally vulnerable with him. This is especially this man given the I also assured him I am completely comfortable at this point being just friends and that should he need space all he needs to say and do is let me know and I will respect that. In other words he did have the option to just say I prefer to take some time for myself and that we stay friends only. However he chose not to use that option. Failure to use that option creates mistrust and fear to ever reconnect again because that is all this track record of we live in the same pattern. Your advice to kill all hope is profoundly wise. It feels liberating and empowering. It’s when I begin to that level of self fulfillment that he returns only to disrupt my efforts at healing, moving on. Although I doubt he’ll do so again, I wonder what you think my response should be if he reaches out, soon or later. I already sent him a brief message saying that I wish him well and that this is good bye for me. I wanted this text to be different from the emotional and harsh one i sent him the last time he behaved this way. My text was calm but clear that I don’t see us together in the future, although we both shared feelings, and that it’s best we say good bye soberly. He didn’t reply. He probably feels too ashamed to reply, as he did and as he said before to justify lack of communication after episodes of ghosting like this.

I hope that some of these dilemmas make sense to you, and I thank you again for your willingness to give me your input about my question above, on what’s the wisest way to approach what I am now and what is the best way to respond should he reach out either soon or sometime down the road.

thank you so much

[Eva]

Hello Heidi,

Thank you again for offering these perceptive thoughts and powerful insights. I truly appreciate from the bottom of my heart both their sober and compassionate quality.

I don’t even know where to begin to share with you some puzzling developments that occurred just today. This man went from what I shared with you in my previous message, where we both agreed to be friends and give him room to resolve his painful emotional dilemmas about his ex, which I accepted with conviction, to being incoherent again… I started to take steps to move on, by minimizing contact with him to brief friendly chat only, and not talking to him about any plans to meet or talk, just give him space and wish him well. I accepted since to go on a date with a different man who expressed interest in meeting me several months ago, when I met him on an online dating site, but we stopped chatting after I started dating J.

This past weekend (3 days ago) this new man and I planned our date. Two days earlier, J contacted me to say he appreciated my last text to him a week before, where I wished him well in his healing journey. He added that he hopes we could talk soon. I thought about it, then decided why not, as friends. But then I wrote him back and said what I thought previously that I worry it may be too early to talk in person since he has some important needs to honor his self care. He texted me expressing clear disappointment suggesting that I was trying to avoid him, he wrote, yeah maybe it’s too early for you to talk to me if at all. I texted back to make sure he understood that was not what I meant, but that I was simply trying to respect where he was and avoid being caught in the same negative cycle we both have been in before, and that way we give both of us a chance at building something stronger, whether with each other or with another person. We decided to give it a try and talk from a sober place. He called in the evening and repeated the same commitment to working on himself. I felt it was important that i tell him that based on our previous conversation and what I concluded about his emotional unavailability, I moved on and that i had a date with another man that weekend. I wanted to be honest and also To let him know that I’m not comfortable with ambiguities, that we’re either friends or not. And that I don’t wish that we repeat the previous harmful cycle of flip flopping about commitment. He said he understands and respects my decision. However, a day before my date, J texted me To say “I wanted to see you this weekend. But I didn’t want to interfere with your plans that you have with this other gentleman”… I told him that his text was confusing, given our agreement. He said, I want to be with you but I am giving myself time to get past my issues. I will be too late because you will move on and I understand if you do… To that I answered that if he knows he wants to pursue our relationship, I can embrace that too but he must be clear and certain about what he wants and we must take it slow, so I make sure that it’s also right for me. I also said that in the meantime, I committed to this date, and I’m still unsure if he (J) is really where he needs to be emotionally for our relationship to work this time. On Saturday, he texted me 3 times during my date to ask if I ended up going on the date with the other man, then later he texted to ask, are you still out at the date? This made me both uncomfortable and puzzled as to what’s going on with him, so I decided to be frank with him and said that if he really wants to be with me he needs to say it in a language that I can understand, with no ambiguity. That if he needs to work on himself and take some time before we resume dating, that too needs to be clear. He repeated his wish to meet with me this weekend and that it was because he cares about me and wants to be with me exclusively. He was asking if I had a second date on Sunday with that same man. I answered that we did plan to do a date on Sunday as well. On Saturday evening we spoke for a long time over the phone and he expressed many times the wish to come drive on Sunday so we can spend time together. I took that to mean he was indirectly hoping that I cancel the date with the other man. I made it clear to him that I do not feel comfortable playing games and that candid communication is more efficient. I reminded him that I already made a decision to only embrace a relationship with him after he’s truly done resolving his emotions and healing, so that I protect myself from more pain that his past flip flops caused me. He said let’s meet, because he has a good feeling he’s made real progress since he started talking to his therapist. During that call, he was visiting with his parents who were celebrating their 50th Anniversary. He put me on speaker so they can say hello to me which I felt was very touching and then I wish them happy anniversary. I canceled my date with the other man politely, and J and I planned to meet Sunday. I made that decision, because I also recognized for myself that I was not mentally present at the date with the other man, and thought that maybe it made sense to see J, since my feelings for him didn’t change. He started driving toward my town Sunday morning, but road construction work was so bad when he got half way, that he had to return, because it was going to take him 5 instead of 3 hours. I still took it as a good sign that he was invested enough to want to come visit Sunday, even for just part of the afternoon. We agreed to meet this coming weekend to make up for this failed trip, and he decided to leave early to avoid traffic that’s slowed by road work. We had a nice back and forth yesterday chatting about our day, and at night he mentioned he wasn’t feeling well and was crashing early. Then out of the blue this morning, he decided to cut off completely all ties. No explanation whatsoever. I’m simply stunned, confused and deeply dismayed. Not that I expect things to necessarily work out as we both expressed just a few days ago, but because of the way he did it AGAIN.

Now I’m really out of words… Please share your thoughts… what am I not seeing? What am I missing? I wanted to honor his needs, by offering my friendship although I still had feelings for him, because he wanted to stay in touch. Then it’s all deja vu again… I don’t feel after this I can talk to him ever again, even if he comes back with assurances and we signs that he has healed. What’s happened so far is so damaging it will be very hard to ever trust him again.

Thank you for taking time to share your thoughts.

[Eva]

* correction:
… not to feel tempted to go back to the same unhealthy patterns and knowing about some skills and strategies to prevent that would be valuable. Thank you so very much and have a wonderful rest of your day.

[Eva]

Hello Kanya,
Thank you so much for these deeply illuminating set of insights and recommendations. They make so much sense and you have a wonderfully effective way of breaking down the thought process that must happen to see more clearly into our dilemmas and identify the unhealthy patterns and responses to it. In an unexpected turn of circumstances, While I was waiting for your response to my to help guide my decision about whether it is wise or not to reconnect, he texted me on his own. This took me by surprise. The tone of his text to me was not what I expected given that my last message to him was emotional and on the verge of being harsh, because his fluctuating and abrupt change between commitment and no commitment hurt me deeply, when it was not necessary and all he needed to do is to say it from the beginning without dragging me. His text to me 4 days ago was mainly to apologize for creating a situation that was emotionally harmful for me, a situation that was avoidable. He was really remorseful and he also wanted to be honest about why his behavior was like that. He said he is still trying to heal from the pain of his divorce. He added that he startated seeing a theraoist dince our kkast chat, and that he feels better about himself everyday. I appreciated that he took the effort to text me to apologize and to be honest about where he is mentally now. He did not sound resentful nor like he’s trying to play games. He asked if we can talk in the evening. The same day. I texted him back to show appreciation for his apology but to also recognize that I responded too emotionally, perhaps because I was also responding from a place of old wounds that he is not responsible for. I added that I think it may be too early for us to talk over the phone or in person. But then I reconsidered and decided I can talk to him but later in the week. When we finally spoke, I felt it was the most honest conversation we have had about what we have learned about ourselves from our interactions. I was thinking a lot about what you and Heidi recommended and brought up in your analysis. I wanted to consider what you recommended (setting my boundaries) in the way that I was speaking to him and to try it out. I feel it worked. And I can’t thank you enough for having helped me have a better perspective on this complex situation. He and I both recognized that we have been going too fast. We both also recognized that we have feelings for each other, but that it is not a reason to move fast into more serious goals. We have decided to slow down and to give him more space to work on himself and to resolve his emotional dilemmas before we could resume dating. We are both comfortable being friends at this time and go with the flow. I have decided for myself that I will not be relying on the possibility that he may decide to date again. He understood and respected that. But we both are comfortable not closing any door in case we find ourselves evolving toward dating again. Again I can’t thank you enough for having given me food for thought that help me reassess what I was and the options that are healthier than what he and I used in our interactions. If you have the time, I would appreciate any thoughts you may have even about this phase that we decided we are going to try. It would be great not to feel tempted to go back to the same and healthy patterns and knowing about some skills and strategies to prevent that would be valuable. Thank you so very much and have a wonderful rest of your day.

[Eva]

Hello Heidi and Kanya,
I wasn’t sure if I phrased well what I was hoping to seek more input in, but I was wondering if you have any thoughts you might be able to share, when you get to read my replies.

Thank you both so much for sharing your perceptive, thoughtful and practical wisdom.

[Eva]

Hello Kanya,
Thank you for kindly taking the time to offer your valuable insights and guidance. I see myself agreeing completely with your analysis. It does feel strange and not right that I made the choice to be with someone whose actions showed repeatedly that they do not reciprocate my level of respect for his needs and personal space. I like to believe that all humans are on a lifelong journey of personal growth, so their flaws can be put into perspective, and so we turn to understanding rather judgmental attitudes that build more trust. But sometimes, it’s hard to draw the line between when this reasoning makes sense and when it’s naive to have this reasoning when his actions don’t reflect efforts to learn and grow. I was torn between seeing the back and forth 3 times in a row as both a sign that he’s working on growing out of his emotional hang ups (and therefore as a sign I shouldn’t lose hope on the relationship), And as a sign that he’s incapable of growing out of them in a healthy way which results in affecting my emotional well being. It’s hard to link this to roots in childhood, because I grew up in an environment where “taking care of each other” and avoiding selfishness was an expectation and definition of genuine bonds. Perhaps it came from there. There was a time during my childhood at school where I felt one teacher mistreated me unfairly and reserved disproportionately harsh discipline for minor violations of class rules, like doodling when he was lecturing. It’s a painful episode, where I felt humiliated in front of my peers.

As an adult and mom today, taking care of someone means to me creating bonds based on mutual respect of boundaries that protect everyone’s well being and personal space. My negative dating experiences made it necessary to seek help of therapist, who told me that based on our dynamic, I seem.to fit the description of an empath: I heard from all the 5 men I dated the past 3 years that they feel “calm” when with me, that I’m the kindest person they’ve even met, that I truly get their feelings, that I’m a gift to them, etc… While superlative words like this made me feel they were exaggerating to make me feel they’re interested in me, I came to understand from analyzing this with my therapist that their attitude was a red flag that they saw in my someone who filled a vacuum, and meets a need for them.
It’s not that I look for men like this, in fact the first 3 or 4 dates they give a totally different impression as secure and self confident men who are in the chasing mood. It’s only after I enter the relationship that I discover the insecure and emotionally unavailable side.

I guess, I’m still learning about myself from these negative dynamics but as someone in her 40s, I’m exhausted from reliving the same scenarios that this online dating has been for me so far, and wasting my time on people who misrepresent their feelings and intentions at first dates and lead you on to think they’re ready so they can secure dating you, and once you do start dating them they flip flop. How can this cycle be broken? It’s another reason part of me thought instead of endings things with J, why not consider options of confronting his issues together, using different skills or strategies from what we did so far. Which is why I joined this program and forum.

I thank you and Heidi for generously sharing your wisdom.snd very thoughtful analysis. It is truly much appreciated.

[Eva]

Hello Heidi,

Thank you for your very thoughtful, constructive and insightful input. Your points are so perceptive and capture with great precision the nature of the issues. Thank you so much for validating that. I’m in agreement with every point you made, and in fact, I was reassured to hear them, because when I ended the relationship the first 3 times because I felt he was sending mixed signals about his relationship intentions, he saw that as a negative and shocking thing, and even interpreted my decision as a red flag that made him worry that I’m the kind of woman who abandons her partner at the first challenge (he said that’s what his ex wife did).

Oddly enough, the main reasons that part of me thinks about reconnecting, although he said he doesn’t want to be in any relationship right now are: (1) he acted like it 3 times before that (without saying the actual words) only to regret doing so and to urge me to get back with him, after I decided to end our relationship whose direction wasn’t clear to me (“I know I seem back and forth, but I know I want to be with you, I knew it from the start” he said many times, etc); (2) The 2 sides of him that kept showing up are so evenly split, it’s impossible to know which one is the real him, and it’s unsettling, and not a way to pursue a relationship. And I told him this in my last message to him; (3) in the first 3 times where I was the one who ended the relationship (because I wanted to protect myself from triggers of past relationship pain and wounds), my language was not emotional, but I simply recognized that I didn’t feel he was in a place in life where our relationship would work (as you rightly described it, this just meant he wasn’t emotionally available) and i wished him the best in his life journey (I felt then I was living in harmony with my own standards and boundaries); I think this 4th time (where the break up was by him) he seemed to have caught up with what I said to him the first 3 times, and my tone was rather emotional and may be even perceived by him as judgmental and harsh, though not disrespectful. But then, I felt it was important for me that he know that I felt conpletely disrespected and didn’t appreciate that he made me go through this negative cycle needlessly, when I already told him I wasn’t comfortable staying with him if he’s undecided about what he wants. By then, my feelings for him grew, because I felt we bonded around his personal struggles with depression. I do not underestimate his issues, and it’s why I was the one to suggest that perhaps he’s not ready yet to commit, and encouraged him to prioritize self care, and therefore we should stop things there. But it’s incomprehensible to me why when I proposed early on that we end our dating because of his unresolved emotions he kept asking to get back, and when I finally accepted to work in a supportive way around his depression that impacts his self esteem, he abruptly announced he can’t commit anymore, and that after all he doesn’t think he’s depressed, he just needs to be on his own for a while, because he doesn’t really know himself… Which he announced 2 days after he was texting me non stop all day endearing and flirty texts and making several random calls the day before to tell me he misses me and can’t wait for our usual weekend get together (usually 3 days). I gathered that his past mariage experience of 17 years which he frequently described as highly toxic has a lot to do with his emotional dilemmas. He felt it shouldn’t have happened in the first place; (4) a lot of the content of the resources on this program talk about the importance to understand a guys need of space to think as a way to foster a healthy and balanced relationship. I agree with that, though I feel it should go both ways. I did feel a bit overwhelmed by his impatience to jump into mariage talk, and it made me vigilant that it may be too good to be true. But as this brief period unfolded, I came to see that he had 2 split sides. The side that needs space to reflect on how to rebuild himself after a toxic mariage and on what he wants, in order to be more ready for a healthy relationship, is the reason I’m wondering if reconnecting makes sense to convey that I respect that. I’m really not sure at all about the wisdom of doing so and if it’s worthwhile, since I feel the respect I’ve been showing his needs wasn’t reciprocated. Because of his previous pattern of evenly split behavior, I wonder which side of him I should base my answer to this question on. But if reconnecting is to happen, what can be a meaningful follow up to my last message to him written in an emotional tone that candidly showed disappointment and hurt about seeing my time, my trust in his intentions, and my family being needlessly disrespected and feeling I was led on 3 times when he knew how going back and forth impacted me if he can’t commit.

Thank you again in advance for your valuable time and guidance that you share.

[Eva]

Hello,
I’m sorry for having hit enter too soon! Thank you for the opportunity to receive input on this private forum.

The dilemma I’m hoping to hear input on is the following:

I’ve had a string of negative dating experience that had one theme in common: the guys all appeared to be still processing a painful and very toxic past marriage experience when they decided to ask me to date them. In all cases, bashing the ex dominated our talks. They spoke about their exes so much that I eventually came to conclude that they didn’t really see me as me or want to be with me for me, but they rather wanted me to make them feel better about themselves and forget their ex. In some cases, I was openly compared to their ex (“you’re her complete opposite”; “you’re not like my ex at all”). In one case, the guy kept trying to get in touch with his ex to make her acknowledge the harm she did to him, even though they’re divorced now. In a nutshell, I came to the conclusion not a single one wanted to be with me for the right reasons (being interest really in being with me for my unique and individual qualities, but because they wanted to escape thoughts of their ex. I was looking for a LTR, but they were looking for someone to comfort them or to make them feel they matter (some of them even mentioned their need to feel like a man again after feeling broken in a toxic marriage).

Before I decided I’d give a try to the most recent man I dated, and with the help of my therapist, I promised myself I’ll set personal boundaries by making my expectations of a healthy relationship known to the man who wanted to date me. That included making it clear that I will not be in a relationship with a man who sees me more like his therapist than a partner, or where talk about his past relationship takes over (especially when it involves obsessive basking of the ex). I will also not accept to be in a relationship where the man’s intentions are not expressed in a way that I can understand. Knowing their relationship goals (is it LTR or casual, etc) helps me make an informed decision on whether I want to date him or not. Being in my 40s and a mom, it’s important for me to be careful about who I date.

With that said… I decided to date J. We dated for 2 1/2 months. He was fun to strike a conversation with and struck me at first as being on the same page as me on all of the above. We’re both divorced with kids. He seemed to have a very toxic marriage and even more toxic divorce from what he said. He spoke a lot about how he didn’t find support in his immediate family and friend circles after divorce, and feeling depressed and diminished as a man due to the cumulative effect of all this. I liked his personality and found him intriguing, genuine and before we knew it, we connected in a very strong way, and started seeing each other on weekends and talked over the phone for so many hours. He became impatient about jumping into planning for the future, he started looking into looking for a job in my town (because he lives in a different part of the state), he was referring to me as his “future wife” when talking to his boss and parents, he was discussing logistics of moving in, etc. Then just like that, he started a pattern where he cancels a date last minute, often giving me reasons that seemed reasonable (work or family related). But when last minute cancellations became frequent and inconsistent with conversations we had just hours before that, and talks about how much he hated his ex where the bulk of our talks, I started to feel disrespected, and wanted him to know that. He said he feels that doesn’t feel good about himself or think highly about himself at this time of his life. That he had a low sense of self worth.

This came as a shock because early on, he was saying that one thing I should know about him is how confident he is. He thought he may need to take a break to sort his thoughts and center himself then perhaps we can reconnect sometime later. I announced to him that I’m ending my relationship with him. My message was calm, but firm, and I told him although I enjoyed being with him, I wasn’t sure he was in a place in life where our relationship can work, even down the road. He immediately got back in touch and urged me to reconsider, acknowledged that he was handling things wrong, and apologized and expressed remorse profusely for the abrupt and frequency of back and forths. I really found his apologies sincere (I still believe he meant them). I accepted to reconnect. Unfortunately, this scenario happened three times, where we get very close to discussing marriage plans and his plans to move in where I live, etc, only to be surprised by an abrupt cancellation of plans and a communication hiatus. When I ended the relationship the 3rd time, I wrote him to tell him more candidly how disrespected I felt because of the way he treated my time and my family (he insisted to meet my kids to confirm his genuine interest in being one family and it went really great). I couldn’t understand his back and forth, and it started to feel exhausting, stressful and scary. It was upsetting because by then, I had deep feelings for him. I asked to understand why he was acting that way (one moment ready to talk LTR/marriage and the next moment trying to run away from it, especially give that he was the one expressing impatience about mariage). His response was the opposite of everything he said up to then. He mentioned that he doesn’t feel that he knows what he wants and that he feels he needs time to get out of his own way, then asked me to forgive him for everything he did wrong, because it was “unintentional”. He said he doesn’t feel like being in any relationship right now. I took that message to mean he wants to end our dating relationship. While in the first 3 times that he did this, my response was compassionate and I wished him the best in the rest of his life journey while I began to move on (after which he contacted me to ask me to get back together), this 4th time, I told him this was more than disrespectful and hurtful, because I felt it WAS intentional this time, because he knew how his back and forth impacted me yet he MADE THE CHOICE to ask me to get back with him based on his affirmation that he resolved his emotional issues, which I trusted this 4th time. I wrote him a message where I told him how his frighteningly changing behavior impacted me and devastated me. Because of previous patterns in the first 3 times, I told him that if he’s not confident that he can break this negative cycle, I want him to permanently stop contact with me. I wasn’t sure if this was a good or bad thing or insensitive, but I also felt by that point, my feelings and my time had no value or worth for him and received no respect. I haven’t heard back from him since (it’s been 2 weeks). Needless to say, this experience left me drained, because I felt I figured out what I want and what I will not accept in a relationship, only to go over it all over again with J.

I’ve been browsing resources in this course, and it made me wonder whether it is wise or not to renew contact with him and perhaps invite him that we give this another try but do it differently. I believe he was the only person with whom I felt that I could see myself happy, before his fluctuating behavior started. I feel things have ended prematurely between us. That there could be a way to restore things if we communicate differently or outside the negative communication dynamic that we had so far. Any input or perspective on whether it’s worth trying or not will be much appreciated! With gratitude.

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