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Hi,
Thank you for your response.
The medicine for Bi-polar seems to be working well. I have tried a few over the past year and a half. This one seems to be the best emotionally (I feel like I can actually experience the full range of emotions, instead of just feeling like a zombie). Unfortunately, I am going to have to switch to something else, because it is causing a lot of joint pain, which is starting to interfere with my everyday life. As far as episodes go. I have not had any manic or hypomanic episodes. I may have had a small depressive episode, but my therapist said that it was more likely a normal emotional response to what is going on in my life. I really don’t go too much on the depressive side of things, I swing more manic.
I have asked what I can do to make him feel more wanted/loved, and he usually answers with “If I have to tell you, then it doesn’t mean anything to me when you do it. You should just know what I want” I have asked him to just point out a few things, just so that I can get in the habit of knowing what he wants, and when he wants something.
I think you are right that a lot of him not being satisfied comes from within himself, and no matter what I do, it will never be enough until he works on that. He has been on a medication for depression for about a year, and it has definitely helped. He also started doing more things for himself. He does martial arts 4 times a week, and loves it.
He keeps saying that he does not want to stay with me if things continue how they are. He says that I take 3 steps forward and two steps back. He has told me all of these things I need to work on, I have then written down, and I really do try. I am an empathetic person, and hate that he is going through whatever he is going through, and that he isn’t happy with me. He also isn’t the type of person that compliments a lot, and words of affirmation is my love language. He is trying. When I do something for him, he will usually say thank you. I was ok with not getting compliments when I thought that he wanted to be with me, but now it is harder. Words mean a lot to me, so when he has this whole list of things that are wrong with me/I need to improve on, and doesn’t say a single thing about what he likes about me, it is hard. He did mention 3 things that he likes about me a few months ago, when I really pressed him, and said how important it was for me to hear something good about myself, but hasn’t mentioned anything since.
Ok…I got way off track…
The therapy that we do is talk therapy. I have gone to my therapist, on and off, for 8 years. Really since I had my first hypomanic episode, although we didn’t know what it was then, and I wasn’t diagnosed with bi-polar for 7 more years. A couple of months ago, my therapist said that I was doing great, and didn’t need to see him regularly. I still see him about once every 2 months or so. He has been going to his therapist since he was diagnosed with depression. It seems like our therapists both validate how we are feeling, and both say that we are doing really well. We are currently looking for a marriage counselor that is a better fit for us. It would have been nice to have an unbiased third party listening to our conversation the other night, we were just not understanding each other at all. It wasn’t a fight, no one was yelling, we just couldn’t get our points across to each other.
I hope that answered all of your questions.
One more thing. I have read a lot that one should cut the “other woman/man” completely out of their lives in order to heal their relationship. Does this have to happen? She is an integral part of our lives in so many ways. She is one of my closest friends (yes still…I know), our sons are best friends, they go to the same school, and right now are in a virtual pod together with a few other kids from the school, we live in a small city, and are very active in a small Jewish community, and we also have the same friend group. If we cut her out of our lives, we would lose most of our friends (everyone likes her better than me, she just has a way with people, I’m not being ohh woah-is-me, it is just how things are), our son would loose his best friend, we would probably have to leave our community, I mean, it just doesn’t seem like a good idea…Thoughts?
Thank you for reading all the way through,
LaurenHi Kanya,
Thank you for the suggestion. We have read “The 5 Love Languages,” actually, a few times. We are very aware of each others love languages, and how different they are. We have also read Gottman’s 7 principle’s book as well. We have tried couples therapy, I just think it wasn’t a good match, and are both currently seeing therapist individually.
Hi Heidi,
Thank you for your response.
I am pretty sure that he really wants to make our relationship work. Although he said last night that he doesn’t feel like we have a true romantic partnership. He only feels needed by me (like I need him to watch our son, so I can go see a client, or I need him to pick up groceries), not really wanted for who he is. I told him that I wanted him, and gave him several examples. When he called just the other day to talk I told him how much I enjoyed talking to him, and how much it meant to me that he called. When he comes home randomly for lunch, I always tell him how happy I am to see him. I always ask what is going on with him, and take the time to let him talk, and I ask questions, and really care about what he is saying, and about what is going on with him. How else can I show him that I want him? He is not talking about anything sexual here.
I absolutely love the life that we have created together. We both have good jobs, and good friends. Although right now it is hard to really have a social life due to Covid. We have an amazing 5 year old son, and my parents are in the same city, so we always have someone to watch him if needed/wanted. I think he is feeling very lost right now. He said last night that he doesn’t feel like he really belongs anywhere, that he doesn’t have anyone that he can relax with and truly be himself. I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder last year, after I had a pretty major manic episode. I am on medication, and have been stable for the past year and a half, but he says that he is constantly on edge waiting for something to happen. I do not know is he loves the life that we have created together. Like I said, he is feeling lost, and I think has a lot of things to figure out himself (he is seeing a therapist, he got diagnosed with depression last year).
I hope that answered your questions. Sorry for the delayed response, I was supposed to get an email notification when there was a reply, but I never got one.
Lauren
