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Thank you. This is true, I feel like I started losing myself here. Will work on being myself and stop worrying about losing him.
Thank you for your response Kanya.
I think you are right on the point. It is exactly what’s missing: he never talk about feelings. He would send occasionally some short sweet text, and occasionally jokes about why shouldn’t he just move in. When we were together he would jokingly talk about getting married or what kind of ring I like and looked at my reaction. Maybe I didn’t give him clear response he needed then? Its different now, we talk mainly about present. He talks how we could get old together and enjoy similar hobbies, but never about how we get there.
He is in general not very open person. Sometimes he talks about future and include me and sometimes he talks about traveling the whole year. He asks if I could join but seem to be fine if I don’t. I have initiated thanksgiving discussion, wanted to take kids to the beach and asked if he would like to join. he backed off and said he would rather not go and let me enjoy time with kids while he would go hiking or meeting with his son. I didn’t know that he had those plans. That’s what makes me feel most unsettled- he talks as we have separate lives but then would put an effort last minute and drive for 5 hrs to see me for a day or book last minute a nice trip for both of us.
I would try to have some light discussions about the feelings and relationships.
To answer your question about the level of communication – 2-3 short texts during the day, talk on the phone maybe once a week. We have fine communication when we are together, but when we are apart it’s very strange. I talk more to my friends. Never FaceTime and when we talk on the phone it’s not very personable. I am not the person with whom he shared his fun moments or concerns and it really concerns me. I have never had this experience before so I don’t know how to interpret or approach this.I appreciate the feedback, it has been very helpful. I am still in the same place of slight confusion but everything is going steady with our relationships. I was obsessed about visiting his home and now after I did – The mystery is still unsolved. We meet and have the best time – meeting almost every weekend and he came over middle of the week sometime. We do activities and chores together, he introduced me to some of his circle of people when I visited him. But at the same time I have strange feeling when we Are not together we stop communicating. Maybe I want too much? I hold myself back and this helps to keep the balance. Not sure if this is a new norm or a temporary issue. I thought I’d give him some time and space and stop offering trips together or suggest talks. So he offers and plans more now, which gives me a sense that he values the relationships. There is no mention of feeling or where we go next from this stage. Is it normal? I have never been in such a situation and sometimes think that I want to continue just because I want to solve the puzzle or mystery. I have feelings for him and am willing to work on this relationships if it’s just some temporary stage. I wish I would know how he feels about me, it would be easy to walk away if the explanation is unmatched level of interest. But what if I’m wrong and walk away and wonder if I was too inpatient?
My question is – what would be the best tactic to increase the interest and shift this strange and steady situation, bring it to the level where intimate talk about feelings or plans is appropriate.Hello,
Thanks again for your reply. Your statements and questions make so much sense and I know I should be walking away now as there are too many red flags. Fear I mentioned is a fear of rejection and disappointment.
Why do I want to visit his home? I feel that it would give me an insight and understanding of wether I should keep putting an effort into this relationship . I feel that knowledge and understanding of why the mixed messages happen would help me to be more decisive.
If I walk away now I would possibly second guess myself.
I have used your suggestion and this first question brought immediate response but he said he would want to talk to me later that day. Then he never called and texted , apologized for not getting back with me and asked to not get ticket until we talk. I already got a ticket by then but didn’t let him know of that to not press the issue. He said he is so busy At work and ask me to be patient.
I became less available on the texts and phone the following days, and today he is sending sweet messages about how he wants to spend a long weekend together and wants to discuss plans. So strange change in behavior. I feel that he is engaged only when he feels that I’m pulling away.
I hope the next few days will help me to step one way or another. Standing on the same state of confusion is exhausting.
If you have any advise on what should I do now to make a decision, I would appreciate. I feel like I’m getting obsessed with this situation.
In the past I had similar period in my previous relationships, and later on he confessed that he felt insecure and tried to build up his career position to feel more comparable. The situation resolved in a month or two and everything returned from normal. At that time I was sure my past boyfriend stopped having feelings for me or found someone else. Maybe I’m just bad at reading those signals.
What if this time he has some personal issues that are holding him back. Or maybe he just has another girlfriend in his town and that’s what is giving mixed signals.
I would like to figure out for myself what is that before I make a decision .Hello Kanya,
Thanks for your reply. In order to make a changes both people should have a strong desire to put an effort. We talked about possibilities and he said he likes his town and job too much. I have 2 kids and great job as well, it is hard for me to relocate. We both could probably make a move if needed, it’s not impossible.
I’m confused again as I understood our conversation as near breakup. But instead he is asking if I could meet him next weekend or the weekend after. Maybe I misunderstood something again?
My other problem is he wants to come again to my area and I would like to visit his house and get understanding of real situation. I feel like he is resistant to inviting me. I was trying to find some approach of getting this happen using one of the methods from the book, receiving positive response on the small question. Would you have any recommendations on how I can approach this subject to get positive reply. I feel that it would help me with confusion. In the past when I offered coming to his town directly he would offer to drive to me instead. It made me paranoid about the situation and lead to loss of confidence.
Would you have any advice on how could I approach him. It is happening next week and I have few days off already. Afraid if I offer directly he would find some excuse why I shouldn’t come.Yes, he visited during the weekend after the move. I have followed your advice and asked directly the question. He responded that he doesn’t play games and doesn’t have anyone, but he does have concerns about long distance relationships as he realized after moving to the new place that he would like to have someone in the house daily and not just on occasional weekends. He confirmed that his motivation is going away even though he feels connected and enjoys every minute we are together. It’s not a great outcome but I feel much better. He seemed sincere and I am relieved for some reason. We haven’t completely agreed on breakup, but agreed to think about possibility changing our lives to be together and talk in a couple of weeks about it.
I really appreciate your advice, it has made a huge difference in how I feel. It’s sad to learn that our relationships are coming to an end, but having open conversation makes a difference.Thank you so much Heidi,
This is very helpful, I would try to have this conversation next time we talk in person or on the phone. I just feel that text messaging is not sufficient.
I have asked directly is he is dating anyone else or if he wants to continue dating or take a break, he gave me response that he is not dating anyone and wouldn’t travel 5 hrs just to see me if he didn’t want to continue. He shared that long distance relationships gets tiring and he wishes I was closer. After this conversation last time we agreed if I will travel half of the time to him it might be ok and we continued. That was 2 months ago. I will try to have direct conversation this weekend if I will get to see him. I would rather hear the truth than keep wondering.
He was going to come today for the weekend after his move and last minute postponed for tomorrow. I have expressed My disappointment that I would appreciate earlier notice and could make a plans with my friends. He said – “it’s very difficult time, I am so sorry but I have to finish move related activities.”. I asked if he would like to reschedule but he said – no he is planning to come tomorrow afternoon. I don’t know what I should do- just cancel the meeting and go somewhere With my friends to not get more and more upset with him. Or wait and try to address all the questions in person and have some clearance sooner. I think I would feel better, I am getting tired of stretching uncertainty and growing negative emotions inside me for another week or two. Would you have a suggestion of how should I approach him to open up and have a calm discussion of the personal issues. What clues should I look for to understand if he shares the truth or plays games.
I appreciate your response so much. I have started loosing my sleep over this negative thoughts that are crawling into my head.
