[Katy]

Hi Heidi!

I am so thankful for your responses! This is really helping me rediscover who I really am on another level of depth.

At first, this was all about how to get him back because of the emotions and hurt I was feeling at that moment, and I still do feel hurt while living a day-to-day life without the person I contacted every day. However, as time is passing by and because I am learning more about him and myself, I can handle on to not having to contact him at the moment. This is helping me rediscover myself and move steps for better relationships, whether it be familial, friends, or romantic ones, for now and the future.

After realizing that my gift can be both my strength and weakness, it makes sense to me that whenever I do pour in my all, I receive just as much as pain of that depth. It’s like feeling a consequence to what I’ve done. I guess I never noticed that I lose myself when I pour in my all. I thought I wouldn’t have lost myself because I felt like I was pouring myself into the other person because I WANTED to feel the connection and that I WANTED to care for the other. I thought I wouldn’t lose myself because I was doing all of the pouring for me and my desires. But if I do feel hurt in the end, then I guess I do lose myself along the way. Is there any way for me learn how to not pour in all of myself and/or connect with myself while connecting with the other? It seems to me that I thought I wasn’t trying to lose myself in this relationship since I knew what could happen when it turns all around. I thought I was controlling my feelings; however, I guess I didn’t know how to control it in the end. If he and I operate differently, is there no insight on how the two of us can work things out along the way? If not him, but what if, later in life, I meet someone who operates the same as he does? I want to see how I can approach these types of people before I invest in them too much.

I know I don’t want to quit, and I know inviting him back will put myself in danger of hurting myself again; however, all of this is very new information that I didn’t know about me and him. Even though it seems as if he won’t fight for me, if there’s any chance that we somehow reconnect, I want to be able to be more insightful and be ahead of my problems, meaning since I know more now than I did before, I can work a problem out when I see one, or I’m able to bring up a conversation to him, so we can both work it out. Instead of starting up an argument or flooding him with my emotions, I can now step back, see it in a different light, and start up a conversation? That’s, honestly, if we somehow reconnect, which I want to do. I know it’ll take some time, but baby steps.

I guess I do never take care of myself. It just feels natural to take care of others more than I take care of myself. However, in the past year, in a way, I did take time for myself. To me, it’s really an extreme to an extreme. Either I go out every day of my life to see people, talk to people, take care of people, and etc., or I stay home every day of my life to contact people only once or twice a week. Last year, I spent my days only doing what I wanted to do, such as if I didn’t want to talk to people I would reply to them but I just wasn’t focused in with them 100%. Since I usually think about what others might feel if I respond dryly or coldly, I usually reply to match their energy, hiding my feelings of annoyance or anger at the moment; however, in this past year, I stopped doing that. In a way it seems selfish and/or seems fake, but I realize now, that’s what I used to do. I took care of myself for about a year? Then I realized sometimes going extremes aren’t the answer and that I needed people in my life as much as I needed me-time. It’s finding the balance, so I started to reconnect back to my friends and family, and then he also came along within that year. Maybe I had put my focus too much on one person, who wasn’t myself. I think in my mind, taking care of people is “taking care“ of myself? I put others in front because I feel comfortable and happy. It’s sort of similar to having the feeling of being liked by all.

Maybe, unconsciously, I put my needs and wellbeing in his hands, thinking he could be the one taking care of me. I stand up all day taking care of others and wanted to lay down while someone else takes care of me. Although I love to take care of others and love to take care of him, sometimes I am burnt out, and I guess in some moments, I put my needs for him to take care of me. This is probably what I should work on: taking care of myself. I never realized that’s what I did. I should become more independent and put care into myself. If I do make my gift a strength more than it could be a weakness, would my relationships be “easier” to control, such as when there are problems or when they meet an end? Maybe I’m just not ready for the “relationship” I had with him? If I truly can take care of myself, then would it be “easier” for me to connect with him again?

I guess you’re right when it comes to me plugging into him, and for that, that’s probably why I wanted to fight him back. During the 30 days, although it’ll be difficult, I will learn more about myself and how I want to present myself. If I realize how I want to be presented, whether it’s I want to be taken care of or take care of him, I think it’ll help me realize if I truly wanted him back for healthy reasons or if I wanted him back for a plug. I want to see if I can grow more either later with him or without him in the 30 days. I’ll do as you say to wait, give him space, and see if any more can happen between the two of us.

Thank You!

[Katy]

To add on to why I felt the need to connect is because I knew he had feelings for me and I knew I had feelings for him. It just so happens that there was nothing that could have been done being everyone’s situation. I keep thinking what it would have been like if I was able to stay in his state even just a little bit longer and met him earlier. Or if I had handled my feelings correctly towards him, which is why I ended up telling him how I felt in the end because I thought that would bring him back. Or maybe because he said he didn’t leave me because he lost interest, even though that was probably a way to easily let me down.

I just feel everything from regret to hope of what could have happened if the odds were in our favor. So these feelings bring me a stronger urge to want to connect back and see what can be worked out. It’s because now that I know who he is and can be, I can approach him in a different way? After writing those sentences ^ down, I realize it’s nearly impossible to work everything out, being that he ghosted me and doesn’t want to converse his situation with me. But that’s just how I feel about wanting to connect again.

[Katy]

Hi Heidi!

You’re absolutely correct.

I guess it was the connection I felt. Looking back at myself, I just have a hard time of losing people. My family members have a tendency to, unknowingly, pour ourselves too deeply into relationships, whether it be family, friends, or romantic ones, meaning I can never find myself having a clean way to “end” relationships. If I have known someone for even the smallest time frame, yet the two in the relationship took their times to pour into one another, I immediately label that relationship as more than just strangers. Once that relationship ends, it is hard for me to come back to my senses, knowing that I poured my time and energy. I’m not saying once anything ends that I feel like I’ve wasted my time and energy into getting to know the person, since when some do end, I don’t become bitter to them. I think I’m trying to say that the time and energy aren’t able to give me a positive outcome, so in turn, I’m just devastated.

As I was thinking about my character, I also have a tendency to want to take care of people. It’s interesting and makes zero sense because I don’t do this voluntarily, meaning I don’t go out of my way to volunteer to take care of other people’s lives. Even with friendships, I always put myself as the mood maker of the group and the one who patches people together. In a way, this part of me makes me feel important to other people’s lives. I want to be a part of their happiness so to speak. If that is not how everyone views me in their lives, then that is who I strive to become.

It becomes a little bit different when it comes to romantic relationships. I can’t exactly find a pattern of how certainly I act during these times because I don’t have much experience. However, I do certainly can say I pour into these people a lot. Since it’s a different kind of love I feel towards them. Once I start realizing I do have interest towards someone, it’s like a switch changes in me, and the time and energy I spend with them become stronger. It could be the same amount of time I spend with a family or friend, but the energy that comes out to them is different. I guess I label them as people who are important in my life.

With all those involved, I think the reason why I want to connect back to him is because not only did I have feelings, but also I wanted those feelings to grow. I wanted everything to work out and feel what it was like when two connect. I’m a person who wants certainty, and I wanted my feelings for him to be certain and not just some bubble of emotions in the air. I think it’s the worst because he gave me assurance and certainty nearly every time I was having doubts, and because of that, I think I began to tell myself the feelings I have will be certain and not to worry. Then one day, everything I felt becomes up in the air. I guess a part of me just wants to connect back to him even just as friends because of the energy and time that was given off. I know it won’t be possible at all because of how strongly I felt towards him, and maybe he doesn’t want to either due to how everything ended. I just had a feeling of wanting to take care of him and to give happiness in his life. When everything ended suddenly, not only was I afraid to lose him but I was also afraid that I would be labeled as a nobody in his life. Maybe it’s the level of feelings and investment of those feelings, but most of the times, I can’t seem to control how much feelings I pour into someone.

Thank You!

[Katy]

Hi Heidi!

Firstly, thank you so much for the insightful response! I was so confused as to what I should and shouldn’t do. I knew in my head that whatever I do now would just come off as needy, but my heart didn’t want to lose him, which in turn, made me want to text and start up a conversation.

Looking and remembering back at some of our conversations, he did mention that he had a rollercoaster of a life. In that moment, I really did not know what he meant. I just thought it meant along the lines of being busy and juggling many things at once. In this case, now I understand what he meant by that. Maybe he knew this is what he does or maybe he doesn’t. But bottom line is that he did tell and warn me. Maybe it was wrong for me to tell him then that I would put up with his rollercoaster life. When he told me that this was his life, I asked what he meant by rollercoaster. He didn’t say much because I’m guessing he didn’t know what he meant either. Maybe he knew or he just didn’t want to tell me his destructive energy, I’m not sure; however, he just said his life is a bit crazy to take care of. Then in that moment, he asked if I could still take care of him and like him even at his lowest points. I said of course. Thinking about what I answered then, now, I’m guessing I shouldn’t have said that? I wanted him to feel safe and comfortable around me even at his lowest. Maybe that pushed him away, thinking “she’ll always be there“? (“No more reason to chase after her”?)

For the past few days, I tried to think logically about everything and process it through. I know in my head and brain that he had absolutely no respect for me for him to end everything like that. Maybe it’s because it’s still fresh, but my heart. Even knowing what he did to me was disrespectful, even as a human being, my heart still wants him.

Not talking to him and not texting and not giving excuses to connect with him will give him the idea that I am okay and independent without him. However, after the last time I texted him about how I felt about him, it doesn’t seem like we’ll be close anymore, especially if this is who he is. Rereading what I wrote really shows that I liked him and it can come off as needy. There’s no turning back to that. But I still want to take it slow and steady to maybe even have him come along to start reconnecting? having him wanting to reconnect? I know that sounds selfish of me to want someone to reconnect when they themselves have absolutely no reason to. But he’s always on my mind. I don’t even know why he’s on my mind so much.

When you mentioned that he won’t truly invest and will easily cut out people, I’m not sure if this is the reason, but I think it may have an unconscious affect. His past relationship ended in a wrong turn when his ex-girlfriend cheated on him. Even though he’s over it, knowing that it can happen again, he was probably afraid to truly invest. I feel like that could have hurt him in a way that he doesn’t want to deeply and truly invest in someone and especially to me, who he’s never met in person. He would also always or often ask me if I acted the way I acted to other guys. It was a sign of jealously and maybe insecurity? or lack of trust? I always reassured him that it was just him, but I did make a mistake towards the end of our months. When he asked if I was acting the way I acted (I’m guessing loving and always talking to him?) because I was lonely, I didn’t want to even answer that. I knew he meant no harm, but I only acted the way I acted because I liked him and the “relationship”. But because of my pride I told him “no I act this way to everyone”. Without explaining later what I meant by that or what he meant by my actions, he proceeded on saying, “well, I’m afraid you act like this to all guys now.” That’s when I realized what he meant by “lonely”, and I told him I don’t act like this to any other guy.

When he knew he had a rollercoaster of a life to handle and asked me if I can put up with it, was he just trying to find out if I’ll always be there for him? If so, was that a mistake? Does he now not want to connect anymore or even end it with a real conversation because of the trust I gave him? Does he think, now, after all the trust and feelings I’ve said, that even if he ended it this way, I’ll always fall back?

All in all, I always told myself I’ll follow my heart. Yes, very cheesy, and if I followed my brain life would have been so much easier to cut people off or move on quicker. Maybe it’s because I have barely to no experience in real loving relationships, so when one person comes along I, unknowingly, truly invest. However, as of now, even though I never met him or maybe because he was just good at wooing girls in and even with his destructive energy, I still want him back. I know it’ll take long because of how things ended and the distance we have, but I’m willing to put up with that. I know I totally sound crazy and people have been telling me he’s not worth it if he gives me so much disrespect. But I just don’t know what it is exactly that there is this tugging in my heart. I distract myself and keep myself busy, but I always at the end of the day fall back on him and thoughts about him. There’s probably nothing I can do to move forward right now, but I’m still willing to do anything for him to maybe even consider reconnecting to me even if it’s just friends and not romantically, since he clearly wants nothing to do with me. Baby steps.

Is there anything I can and should do?

Thank You!

[Author]

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