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Hello!
You said it was probably better for me to choose a path and see from there rather than being stuck in the middle. Would you let me know what’s the best way to contact him?
Even if he has a negative reaction, I’m ready to face the consequences that I have put myself in. It’s just the regret I feel and might feel in the future if I don’t contact him. Sometimes in the future, I feel the regrets of “darn, why did I ever contact”, but I think for me, I’d rather feel that sort of regret than a regret of “I should have contacted and maybe it would have worked out”.
Honestly, because I’m ready in knowing that there are chances it may be a negative response, even if it might go wrong, I don’t think I’ll feel pain. I’ll probably feel another uncomfortable feeling of “okay, it’s finally over”. But what can I do about it if the other end doesn’t want to contact me. So it’ll be a wake-up call for me to be on a faster route to letting go, moving on, and healing.
Thank You!
Hello!
Thank you once again for all the insight! I am truly thankful for this opportunity to talk to you and figure out what is needed for me.
I agree with everything you have responded with. It is true that I need to do what is best for me. Honestly, maybe it’s because I’m still young and don’t have many experiences that I don’t have the complete “adult” thought of “this isn’t it” and move on. I fall for someone, connect, and even if it ends up bad, I tell myself that the only way for me to finally get over it is to finish with no regrets. Yes, this is unhealthy because finishing that way means that I’ll go to the ends of anything just to see my heart ache again. But for me, even if my heart aches again, knowing that there is absolutely nothing else I can do from that point on makes me feel more relieved than later finding out that if I had pushed myself, then maybe things would have been different. This goes back to when you said “sometimes we have to hurt again and again” to learn the lesson. I’m not saying I want to hurt myself all the time to learn a lesson when I know what the right path is. Maybe if the pattern continues to the next person in the future, then I’ll know when to cut it off and move on more easily? Who knows? However, right now, I feel that it isn’t a harm to contact him once and see how he reacts? Especially now that I’ve healed some time, I won’t be needy or clingy when I see his reaction. If he reacts negatively, then I’ll know it’s over and will move on. If it’s positive, it’ll take me some more thinking to do to see if I really, TRULY, wanted to invite him in my life again or if it was just to contact him and see what his reaction was. To me, I guess it’s sort of? a coping mechanism? to try to rid of the regrets and uncomfortable feelings that I have?
In my background with a past relationship, I never did a no contact period. It ended, and I acted like nothing happened, such as the relationship never happened. If I ever bumped into him, then I continuously acted like how we were before we had a relationship (strangers, friends, and etc.). I thought this was very mature back then. I thought that if I did that, then the pain of the break up would be healed in no time for both of us, and for it to heal, I tried to act like nothing happened and would talk to him without a period of no contact, in which we both really needed. However, in this one, the no contact period was really a time for me to understand what was going on. Yes, of course, it was really difficult in the beginning, and there were many times, in which I wanted to give up and contact him. But after a while, I gave in to the break, no contact, and slowly started to build upon myself.
If I do end up choosing to contact him, whether his reaction would be negative or positive, it’ll probably be unhealthy to invite him back, knowing that I’m slowly healing. However, I want to contact him just once because once is enough. I want to see just once and decide from there. You said that whatever I decide, I can always turn my path down the road. I think I want to contact him and be on that road to see if I want to change my path. If I can feel the pattern down the road or even before the road even starts, then I can just go back to the other road of me trying to heal completely. But as for me, I want to see the end.
Thank You!
Hello!
This had me thinking quite a bit about what I really, REALLY, want to do and happen.
The truth is, in the beginning, it was all about getting him back, but as time passed by, I slowly don’t know what I want anymore. The reason for this is that a part of me tells me “he has no respect for me; he ghosted me; he left like that whatever the truth to his reason was” and etc. (the logical thinking side of me). This part of me tells me that there is absolutely no reason for me to go back to someone who did that. However, another part of me tells me to “stop overreacting and overthinking when I can just simply contact him and see where it goes. It could be for the positive of him wanting me back, or it could be of a negative of him ghosting me again.” (the part of me that wants to see the FINAL ends of what I can do). This part of me continuously tells me that whatever happens just lay low and see where things go? If it’s positive, then from then on I’ll weigh out whether it is worth to continue to actually get back together, considering that he left me that way and that since that is his coping mechanism, he will always do the same when he leaves again. However, if it’s negative, then I will know I have finally taken the last official steps in figuring out that there is nothing left and tell myself that, now, I HAVE to let go and move on. It’s just a part of me that knows that I’ll feel regret if I don’t see my final measures and efforts (a regret that later on, if I find out it was for the positive, then I’d probably tell myself that I should have tried to contact him then).
My subconscious that you brought up is probably the fear? anxiety? I’m not sure how to word what it is, but I just think that since he ghosted me once, and you have informed me that that is his coping mechanism, then he will always do it again. Maybe that is a part of me that doesn’t want that to happen. However, I always, most ALWAYS, overthink so much ahead that I think about the worst possible case before doing anything. So, maybe this is the part of me that still, subconsciously, sees some hope, in which is why I don’t want him to ghost me again (reasons why I think I could be a bother). It was a “if there is no sign or gateway that showed me he was fine to talk to me (since he never replied), then he could always use some sort of excuse to never reply).
Thank You!
Hello!
Thank you! I think it’s been great so far! I definitely think of him way less than before. There are days when I forget about him and come to a realization that I didn’t think about him on a specific number of days or for a few hours. The only reason why I did come to that realization is because of social media. He didn’t seem like he did anything completely wrong, so I never blocked him on any platform. It’s really nothing, but he did talk to me through a media platform a few days ago. I guess it was just a little short way for him to “break the ice”? Still, even though he was the first to start a conversation, it’s not like I felt the need or desperation to have him back. I didn’t feel the rush of excitement, but more so confused? I guess I didn’t think he would talk to me since he did ghost me (I would, honestly, never even look at someone else’s media platform if I ghosted them). I’m just glad to know that the 30ish or 20 something ish days really helped both of us: me to be less clingy and needy while he had some space and time for his own. Honestly, even though it was more or less just a simple comment rather than a long conversation, it’s glad to know he wasn’t fully annoyed of me or built up annoyance about me. I didn’t think he would be the one to “open up” even after the days have gone by. But it’s nice to see that we are both okay on either ends in wherever situation or feelings we are in right now. I guess a part of me is glad that I won’t be too much of a bother if I contact him later on to just simply catch up, knowing that he contacted me first. It’s just interesting how much 30 days can do to your emotional state since I don’t feel the rush or desperation to contact him now. I want to give it some time before I do any contacting. I also think it’s more like if I do deep down want him back, I know I have to know that whatever I do, whether it’s contacting him after 30 days or continues on a conversation with the one he started, there is no absolute outcome that he will turn back. If I tell myself that he might come back or he might not, then I don’t necessarily have hope built up deep in me, and I won’t be clingy and needy. It gives me less pressure or the need to contact him immediately, which maybe? is probably what some people want? for the other to still act on immediate notice? so that they know they can come back to them anytime. I didn’t really give him any clues into making him think I need him: confidence and love for myself without him has slowly been building up.
Thank You!
Hello!
Maybe I didn’t phrase it correctly, but I didn’t mean to say that those feelings were gone. I meant to say that I don’t have a strong sense of those feelings anymore because I’ve been focusing on me, myself, and steps on how to become happy and confident. It could seem like I’m hiding those feelings, and at first, to be honest, I was hiding my pain and tears. However, now, I’m just not in pain or tears about him anymore. I guess you could say I’m finding my worth. It’s worthless of me to keep thinking about someone who has had no respect for me over those 5 months (whatever his reason was). Sure, I’ve been using work to distract myself, but that was only in the beginning. I told myself that if I do distract, then I’d become less anxious about wanting him back. Now that time has passed, I’ve just been more focused on doing what needs to be done for me, whether it’s work or maintaining relationships with family and friends. When I say he does come into my mind and/or when I do see how many days we haven’t talked, I meant it as a realization and not as keeping track to see when I can talk to him next. It’s more of a realization: “Oh? I’ve actually made it this far without feeling more pain and sorrow.” Instead of me tracking down the days, I’ve just realized that I’ve been living 20ish days, happily, without the one person, who I was contacting every day for the past 5 months. I understand that I am not 100% over him. If I had to make a number for it, it would be 85%? I do think of him less, I focus on my health and happiness, and I’m realizing I can live without him.
Becoming friends with him isn’t my priority at this point. It was an afterthought because I believed that that was the only other way to hang onto him; however, if after all this time I can become happier without him, I believe the term “friend” isn’t what I’m looking for. It’s more closer to acquaintance? Maybe even just someone I hit up once a year? I can know I’ve got someone to hit up when I do go to his area in the future(since I don’t know anyone there)? Honestly, who knows. At that point, if I do somehow end up in his town, I might not even want to contact him because of all the time that has gone by. He’s just more of a person to keep my certain distance with. But he’s definitely not someone who I would continue to talk to. If I do end up having to be in contact with him even in this year, it would just be once or twice to see how he is doing and nothing more. Yes, I understand friendship is impossible if I still have any sort of feelings, whether it be pain, sorrow, bitterness, and etc., and it is true that I am not over him completely because I still have this “friend future” with him. But I think it’s not that I’m not over him? I don’t think I want him back as a future partner? I thought about it after reading your reply, and I just don’t think I want or see someone who was disrespectful in this way as a partner. I have a tendency to become friends with everyone, and once I realize that the friendship doesn’t work, I let go. So, in that case, if someone we do become friends (in a hypothetical world), I’d probably let him know friendship won’t work out. I’ve mentioned before that I’m not the type to give up so easily on any relationship (I’d have to try more than twice and see where it goes), but once I let go, there isn’t turning back.
Thank You!
Hello!
Thank you for all the helpful insights.
As I’ve mentioned before, I’m not feeling anger, bitterness, pain, or sadness. I think that part of me is gone now, and all I want to do is just see where everything goes? If that makes any sense? I think not contacting him for, as of now, almost 23ish days? has helped me let go of all those strong emotions. In the beginning, right after the break, anger and sorrow did fill up. Naturally, I did write down all of my feelings, and so, those elements of feelings don’t exist anymore in me. The only reason I mentioned bitterness is that I think if I convince or “lie“ to myself that I was never in the wrong, then I feel bitterness towards the other person. I know this is what happens because in my past relationship, after the break, I felt anger and sorrow, yet I somehow convinced myself that I was never wrong through what happened. This is why I later felt bitterness towards the guy. Sure, the break happened because of him, but I guess in the past, I convinced myself into thinking that I never even had a little bit of influence in what led to the break. However, this isn’t the case now. I wrote down every feeling the moment I was feeling them, cried the most when everything had happened, and after 20 days, now, I don’t feel any of those feelings but only feel calm. The only feeling I’m feeling right now is getting closer to full happiness because I’m focusing on my life, family, and friends. There are times when I think about him just solely because I’m curious on what is going on in his life and not really necessarily because I’m interested in him. It’s definitely a different level of interest. As time passes by a little more (maybe by the end of the 30 days?), I’m sure I’ll only love and care for him as once a lover and now a friend.
Thank You!
Hello!
How would I directly deal with my pain? Is there specific thoughts I have to be thinking about or maybe focus on what I felt through the good and bad times? Will me facing my pain through these times help me “fight” through and feel less pain? I just have so many questions to how to rid of this pain so I don’t have to feel bitter or hurt anymore. If I feel more pain, then I feel like soon I might feel bitterness towards him and the memories I’ve had, and I definitely do not want to do that.
Thank You!
Hello!
Yes, I’ve realized that people do act and make decisions depending on pain and/or pleasure. In the past, I’ve dealt with the loss and pain through going out more and talking and hanging out with the ones I love, such as friends and family. Now, since it’s just a little more difficult to hang out with people every day, I think I’ll probably focus on bettering myself by working. When I’m busy, I tend to forget about other things that occupy my mind. Yes, it sounds unhealthy to just forget, and I guess in a way “fake” my feelings but just forgetting? But I think if I forget about everything that has happened by keeping myself busy, then not only do I get work done and I better myself to grow in a career/future aspect, but also in time, when I do look back, I won’t feel the pain.
Would you suggest any other ways I could love myself rather than just trying to forget?
Thank You!
Hello!
I do understand. I guess it was just difficult to fully understand it when my feelings and mind were working differently.
But now, I’m slowly working on bettering myself. I realized that even if I wanted to contact, reconnect, bring him back, and/or just to stay friends, I’d first have to better and grow and love myself. The foundation of loving myself was not grounded, and I guess I wasn’t prepared enough. Yes, even if I would have been prepared for a loss, it still would have caused me pain, but for the better, I’d know to how let go, healthily.
Your example highlights the importance of self-love, which would be so abundant that a loss and pain would be healed with that self-love rather than someone else’s. I will work on healing myself in that way and see what happens next and in the future!
Thank You!
Hello!
I guess I would want to learn how to cope differently. Maybe know when to stop pouring in too much into someone and learning how to balance my life while pouring into the other. If that doesn’t work out, then probably learn how to deal with pain. I’ve been lying to myself, saying everything is okay, and that unconsciously tells myself that everything is fine when it isn’t. So I guess I would want to try to be true to myself and not doubt my feelings.
Thank You!
To add on, I’ve also been fooling and telling myself that maybe he hasn’t reached out because he is truly busy, or since he never responded to my last message, it’d be hard for him to not acknowledge those messages and text me like nothing happened. I’ve been fooling myself into thinking these and giving him the benefit of the doubt; however, I know he probably hasn’t reached out because he doesn’t want to, lost feelings, and wants us to move on. If he truly still wanted to reconnect, then he probably would have acknowledged my message any time now and reached out.
I think a part of me knows it’s impossible to reconnect with him, yet my old habits tell me I need to try.
In the past, I tried over and over to mend any relationship, yet if I finally got shot down multiple times, whether when you can tell that the other person doesn’t want to respond or when you see that they don’t show any effort to mend, THEN I‘d give up. I guess it takes steps for me to be shot down multiple times, and then, naturally, I swift away. It sounds unhealthy, but I think that’s when I could finally tell myself that I’ve tried all I that I could, yet it just won’t mend. That’s when I completely give into the fact that there’s nothing more I can do. I realized that this does end up being an unhealthy pattern for me AND for the other person. However, I guess you could say I’m selfish into only thinking about coping for myself.
Thank You!
Hello!
It’s interesting to hear that there are disconnects. I couldn’t imagine that there could be such thing. It is true that I imagined a future with him because of the hope we’ve talked about. We hoped to see each other in the future and hoped it would be better than now. Those future thoughts probably planted deeply inside my brain and heart, which is why the pain was horrible in the beginning even if we’ve never met.
Your insight on my disconnect in the system makes absolute sense. Not feeling pain is true, yet when I do think about those questions, I can’t answer them. It’s interesting because I thought about those exact same questions just a day ago before you had asked me. When answering those questions, I didn’t feel hurt or pain, but I could not answer “no”.
Do I still want to be friends with him? In the beginning, it was a definite “yes“. I think I lied to myself about my feelings and told myself I’d rather have him as a friend if I can’t have him back. It’s true there is no possible way for me to have him as a friend if I still have feelings for him. However, like you’ve mentioned, I think turning back to wanting to have him even just as a friend is to fill in my emptiness: the plug. Now? I’m not sure. I can’t definitely say “yes” or “no”. I want to say “no” for me and myself. But maybe it’s too soon for me to move on just yet?
If I found out he was with another girl now, then how would I feel? I thought about this question the moment of the break. Even back then, I lied to myself. I think I told myself, “it’s okay“, “there’s nothing I can do”, “let’s move on”, “he’s far away and with someone else”, and “if that’s what he wanted, then I can’t do anything about it”. Those were the lies and “logical” answers I kept telling myself. But I think deep down, if I ever actually found out that he was with someone else, I would definitely feel pain. It probably wouldn’t be as much of a pain as when we broke off, but I’d still feel some amount of pain. Maybe I’d start questioning “how it happened“ or “why so early” and etc.
If he reached back out and wanted to reconnect, and if he apologized and wants me back, what would I do? I’ve thought about this a lot of times. I’ve thought and wished about it. I wanted him to reach out. I told myself that if he reached out, then I’d hear what he’d have to say. If he reached out and apologized, then my feelings and mentality would shake. I’d probably fall into the thoughts of “oh he did apologize, so we can just move on, not make the same mistakes, communicate more, and start reconnecting.” Now I know this is not the answer, and it does not help me proceed into bettering myself. However, I still wanted to see what would happen if he reached out. I guess some part of me is sort of thankful that he hasn’t reached out? If he had, then I know I would want to go back. I wouldn’t think about what had happened before, which is pretty unhealthy. If he reached out after many, many months later, then I think, by that time, I would have already moved on and would tell him I can’t go back. But I guess as of now, I’d want to reconnect with him.
As answering these questions, I guess I realized I just have been hiding my true feelings to avoid pain and to try to move on faster. I thought maybe if I moved on faster, then it would be easier for me to start a “new life“ and be able to focus on other parts of it. I also think I’m hiding my true feelings because I’ve been home with my family ever since COVID. My mother and sister only found out I was talking to someone after we broke off; however, since they do not know the full story, and plus my father doesn’t know about him, I think I’m trying to convince myself that I can’t act like I’m in misery. I can’t cry when I want to or think about him when I wanted to. I would want to show my true feelings of hurt and pain, yet if I did, then my family would probably tell me to move on. Don’t get me wrong. They’re really supportive in any decision I make, but logically, it makes sense that I shouldn’t be all over in pain with someone I didn’t actually meet. I did have a connection with him, but nobody would know those feelings of connection except me and him. It’s safe to say some parts of me wanted to show that’s I was in pain, hurt, sadness, anger, and etc; however, I was not allowing myself to feel those emotions.
Thank You!
Hello!
To be completely honest, I’m not in pain. In my past relationship, it took me months to get over the guy even though we were together for lesser of a time. Maybe the connection then was “stronger” because I was with him almost every day? But this time, I felt pain for the first few days, and by the time I started this post, I was feeling discomfort because I wanted to go back to him, which is probably the old pattern I was trying to head towards. But now, I don’t feel either of those feelings. Sure, sometimes I feel like I want him back, but the urge to want him back isn’t strong at all. Maybe it was “easier” to get over him because we’ve never met? Or maybe because I haven’t made contact with him for 3 weeks? Or maybe, unconsciously, I lost all hope and told myself to close the door before I actually made the decision to close the door? It’s honestly very relieving to not feel pain or discomfort, yet confusing. I always thought that the longer the time I’ve spent with someone, the longer the pain would last once there is a loss, but I guess that’s not the case with every situation?
If you had asked me those questions a few days after the break for me to process the hurt and loss, then I’d say I wouldn’t know how to or what to do other than wanting him back. But now, I think I’ve already started to support myself by working, spending time with family, and just having me-time throughout my days. It’s funny to say I don’t think about him anymore when I’ve been talking to you this whole time to see what I can do to get him back. As these 30 days past, I’ll probably be closer to, honestly, feeling very much nothing towards him. I’ll let you know what I feel then?
Thank You!
Hello!
It’s probably still fresh. Though, to tell you the truth, I do think about him less. Maybe it’s because I don’t talk to him like I used to every day. I go on with my day doing my work and resting for myself without him coming up in my mind. There are a few times (once or twice?) when he does come up in my day, but I shake it off to move on. I think maybe once I’m fully moved on, like you’ve mentioned when I feel indifference, then I can tell if I still want to regain a friendship or not. To me, I guess I didn’t think of it as much of a problem to reconnect as friends because technically we weren’t even officially dating. It was more of a “talk”? “fling”? but not really a relationship, which is one of the reasons why it was probably easy for him to cut me out and why I’m recovering faster than usual.
I understand your information and insights. Thinking about reconnecting means I’m hiding my real feelings of wound and only to help me “heal” my current feelings. Reconnecting means I’m potentially hurting myself and returning back to my patterns. Will I be able to talk about my status to you after the 30 days? to see where I am and where I want to be? You’ve mentioned it’s impossible to move on from my patterns within the 30 days, but I think if I do close the doors completely, then I’ll be thinking clearer. As of now, I’ll close my doors, feel my discomfort, and try to fully move on.
Thank You!
Hello!
Thank you for more information!
So all in all, what you’re saying is there really isn’t an absolute reason for me to connect back to him, correct? If I can manage loving and caring for myself, then connecting back to him only takes me back to square 1: losing myself. With that being said, there are no other ways and reasons to balance myself and himself if we connect again? If he wanted to connect again, then is there no way for it to be any sort of relationship when we both realize we have to work on balancing our needs for ourselves and each others’? After the 30 days, is it enough to just stay friends rather than reconnecting for more than anything else? Is it easier to just let go, move on, and not talk to him, not even after the 30 days?
Thank You!
