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Hi Heidi!
Thanks for this! Glad you think my words are good. And yes I will practice and see if there’s anything I’d like to add or subtract.
Something that has recently popped into my head is that I made something for him. Something I started to learn and it happened to be that I made it the exact day he unfriended me except that happened in the evening. So idk if I should mention how I made something for him and I hope I can give it to him one day.
Another thing that popped into my head, mostly cause I’m worried about the video message is sending him a letter.. But then again he never gave me his home address. I’d have to send it to his work so that may seem a bit stalkerish if I did that? Idk. Sorry just lots of thoughts here.
Really appreciate the help!
Hi again,
Here’s what I’ve come up with. I used parts of your message along with my own words. Do let me know if something should be cut or updated. I have not sent this and don’t expect to for another couple weeks. I also still want to know on the last post I made regarding voice message or video instead of using a text. Any help is appreciated! Thanks in advance!
“These past couple months have been very eye-opening for me and I just wanted to thank you for pumping the brakes like you did. At first, I didn’t understand but it’s clear if you had tried to explain your point of view to me, that I likely would have given push back. I see that now. I have taken a step back and reflected on my behavior and the amount of pressure I was putting on you and honestly, I get why you have disconnected. You have been amazing for me on a lot of levels and even in this disconnect, I am seeing so many places I could have been better as a potential partner and friend to you. Live and learn, right? Anyways, I just wanted to apologize and let you know I appreciate you. I’ve definitely grown and learned from this and hopefully you’ll want a chance to see it for yourself. I am open to starting over, taking it super slow, or even just building a friendship if you are ever ready at some point. If not, I understand and respect that too. Sending you lots of love as you navigate your life right now. I’m here if you ever want to connect again.”
Hi Heidi,
Yes I’ll definitely wait another couple weeks.
I really do like that message! Thanks for the help. One thing that I was uncertain about is letting him know that my mom told me what they discussed. Mostly because he used to open up to her and trust her with things, and I sort of don’t want to ruin that for them. I would like for him to feel comfortable talking to her and not feel like she’s gonna run and tell me. Also I wanted to seem sort of oblivious to the fact that he knows my divorce was finalized; I’d like for him to hear that from me and to not mention I know my mom told him – if we ever get the chance to talk about that. I did want to also mention I have a lot of new and exciting things going on with me that I’d love to share with him sometime, when he’s ready. But not sure where I should throw that in or if that’s too much to mention.
Oh! I almost forgot, I sort of wanted to say this through a voice message or video maybe? Mostly because I feel like it’s been such a long time since he’s heard my voice and stuff and maybe hearing it would be helpful and stir up how he felt about me better? Also because I think he would be extra curious to listen and/or watch, so I’m pretty sure he would open the message and I could see when he reads those. I don’t know if that’s too much though. I just thought some extra personalization would be nice and/or helpful. Let me know your thoughts on this.
Hi Kanya,
And yes, thanks for seeing my efforts here. Well, I guess although we were “friends” the intent was there that we were wanting something more. I think it was difficult taking steps backwards after pretty much speaking and expressing our feelings to each other as though we were already an item. We did have other “talks” and somewhat “disagreements” prior and he never just disappeared like that. I do believe he needed space which is why I stopped trying to talk to him for over a month. But yes, him seeming not so capable of good communication and talking things out when a disagreement arose is definitely something he needs to work on. Not sure if he realizes that. But I feel it does have to do with his depression/anxiety and his past.
And honestly I do blame myself because he didn’t feel like I was understanding him. He felt misunderstood and severely pushed and like he wouldn’t be able to make me see how he felt, so he shut down. He pretty much said that to my mom – that he felt like he wasn’t going to be able to reason with me.
I am most definitely willing to slow things down. As previously mentioned, I am in no rush at all and no longer feel like I NEED someone. I feel perfectly happy as I am. But I do WANT him and would like another chance to see where things could head. I wouldn’t mind starting all over and super slow. Honestly he kept stressing to me he wanted to take things slow, and I just got too wrapped up with how quickly things initially escalated that it was hard to tone down my feelings and attachment. But after this much needed break, I feel like I could definitely push the restart button and do things the right way and be totally fine that he may not be able to see me often. Now the main problem is, how do I get him to respond back to me? How to I get this message across to him that I have grown a lot since then and that wasn’t who I really am and that I am apologetic for putting so much pressure and making him feel like he couldn’t talk/reason with me, without seeming too intense? I need the message to make him feel good, to let him know that he helped me grow, and that I see my faults, that I understand him, and with all of that hoping that it will entice him to see for himself whether or not things will be different if he gives it another chance.
Your help is very appreciated!
Well I do believe my emotional behavior stemmed from the fact that I was in a relationship for 10 years starting from a young age. That’s the person I married, and I was attached at the hip to him for all those years, even got very isolated from family and friends. He was verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive after the first 4 years or so. Alcohol problems too that he drug me into as well. So I feel like I didn’t give myself enough time to be alone and find myself and my own happiness before jumping in with this new guy. I went from one attachment to another, and the way we both really connected just seemed so surreal that I really did get emotionally attached to him. He’s literally everything I want, but didn’t know that I wanted because I was with an abusive man. And the amount of attention he gave me daily was pretty insane. So all of that mixed together I feel is the reason for me getting emotional. But in all reality him pulling back hard and stopping speaking to me and unfriending me, I think, would make anyone emotional. I mean if he were to be less responsive over the weekend due to him being busy I would mostly keep myself calm. I wouldn’t freak out or make him feel bad cause that did happen maybe once or twice. I would let him be and just let him know I’d be there if he needed me. But again I was just used to talking to him so much and I felt like I NEEDED to always be talking to him. Like my happiness hinged on speaking to him and having his attention. What this time away from speaking to him has taught me is that I can very much be alone and be happy that way. Not needing anyone’s attention 24/7 and content with focusing on myself and my job and my hobbies. I really feel like a shift has taken place in how I see things and I don’t think that I would be emotional with someone just giving me less attention. But going from every single day talking all day long to suddenly radio silence is a huge change and I feel that would make any girl bonkers. I have not worked with anyone over my marriage but he was just a narcissist, controlling alcoholic, possibly bipolar. I’ve managed to just really let go of it all quite well. I was so tired of it all and didn’t realize it. I’m generally a happy person and realized I was creeping into depression. Then once it clicked and once I made that decision, it was like a huge weight was lifted off of me and I felt free. It actually felt good doing something for myself for once. I don’t regret leaving him whatsoever.
Apologies for not explaining his timeline better. He did go through that hard situation, but that was about 3 years ago. It wasn’t recent what happened to him. And I mentioned my mom works with him, so he actually had opened up to her multiple times about how he wants someone to settle down with and such, to have a family. He’s not looking to mess around he wants the real deal. My mom said that we both reminded her of each other and thats why she thought about introducing us, because we want the same things. But yes of course he has major trust issues and barriers to deal with. He’s shy, insecure, and seemingly overly critical for small things, but because of what he went through. Besides that girl he almost married, he’s had bad luck in general with girls stepping out on him and not being loyal. I feel, and so did my mom and his grandmother, that me still being married while we were talking was definitely a crutch and something he was just worried about considering what happened to him with his prior fiance. Now I’m 100% divorced so I was hoping that would help alleviate some of his doubts and insecurities, but it was finalized during the period we stopped speaking so I haven’t told him myself. I also forgot to mention my mom is close to his grandmother and she has insisted to my mom that she thinks I’m going to have to be the one to make the move because of the type of person he is. But again, it’s not like she really knows what could be going on in his mind, seems like most of us women need help understanding where a mans thoughts are and his reasoning behind things. I’ve found him very difficult to figure out because I felt strongly like he really cared for me and could see us being together. But then he withdrew very hard. I honestly think he expected me to have contacted him much sooner, and I can’t tell if it’s made him more insecure or made him feel better, the fact that I gave him space.
I do find that what you’re saying mostly makes sense about him not being ready and being tired, but I think I see it more in that he realizes he can’t give me what I want and deserve and so maybe that’s why he hasn’t recontacted. But then I also worry what if he only remembers my negative behaviors and has grown to just not want anything to do with me? But then I feel like that can’t be it, I feel like I pretty much am everything he has been wanting and searching for in a person (with the exception of my pushiness and neediness). I guess I’m also just puzzled about him leaving the communications open as in not blocking me. I initially worried he had blocked my phone number, but he didn’t. I feel like that means he does eventually want to talk, but can’t be sure. He’s told me before when he’s done with a girl or had a bad situation with one he blocks them. And then his conversation with my mom made me feel good cause he seemed interested in what I was up to and stuff, not annoyed or bothered with what my mom was telling him. But again, he didn’t reach out so that does say something there.
That sounds like it makes a lot of sense as far as not starting with the hero instinct. As you said, he’s up to his neck in his own work and stuff that me adding something to it may not be the best and make him feel like I’m still the same person that’s requiring too much of him. Do you have any suggestions as to how to sound with the things I learned about myself and an apology? I had this whole thing written down, but its way too much and I don’t want to overwhelm him with it being too lengthy. If not, maybe I’ll come up with something else and post it here to see what you think and then you can help me reword or cut parts out of it.
I’m not 100% sure I agree that he needs a large amount of time, considering he claims all he wants in life is to find a good partner and have a family. But I do think that his work is going to make it difficult for him to find a good balance with anyone. I think he would make the time, but it needs to really be worth it. And I’m actually now realizing that he actually did put forth a lot of effort with the amount he would talk to me throughout the day, and I took that for granted at the time thinking it was easy for him and solely focused on how he wouldn’t make the time to see me in person. Big mistake on my part. And I feel he would find it’s worth it if he just allows me to show him how I’ve changed and grown. But who knows, maybe you’re right that he needs much more time no matter the fact that he says he wants a family. Maybe he really hasn’t healed from what’s happened to him and he just uses work as a distraction. Which means if he’s just distracted and hasn’t worked through his core issues, then he definitely isn’t going to be ready or know how to properly handle a worthwhile relationship until that is sorted out.
I also wanted to add that I’m not sure if he’s expecting an apology for my behavior. And I do want to express to him that I appreciate what happened because it’s helped me grow and apologize for how I behaved, etc. But I’m just not sure what to do first or which would likely get a response more than the other. Whether to trigger the hero instinct by asking for advice, or to thank him for helping me grow and reflect on myself and apologize, etc.
Any help is MAJORLY appreciated. 🙂
