[Sarah M]

Hi Kanya, Where to begin? I first want to thank you for sharing the concept of forgiving the judgement I have versus forgiving the behavior. The question and answer asked in the link was case on point for me too. The Universe is interesting. I felt like they were speaking directly to me, even though it was another lady named Sarah. The issue was something I struggle with as well. I literally, stopped myself and was fully engaged. The exercise given is something I will be incorporating in my daily rituals on this personal growth journey. It is amazing how our programming in childhood carries throughout our lives when we view it from the lens of “happened to me”. I want to heal so that I will meet a healthy, loving committed partner… my life mate. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Best- Sarah

[Sarah M]

Hi Kanya, Thank you, I appreciate you! Yes, the contract with myself does help me keep on track. I do slip and struggle sometimes, especially when my heart and head challenge each other. I think what helps me not repeat certain things is I have a hard limit list of red flags/behaviors/boundaries that if a man shows/crosses, I communicate or leave because I respect myself. That being said, I goofed with this one the 2nd week, I lived with him because he got so angry about his bosses and sales deal that he threw a living room table and the glass insert fell out. I sat at the dining table watching frozen in time (survival mechanism of trying to be invisible). HE looked at me said he was sorry that he isn’t violent. I immediately, asked him if this was normal and that I cannot be around such violent acts because I am a child of abuse. HE told me he was against violence and this wasn’t normal. Silly, me believed him because of how he treated me as a princess, kind, loving, affectionate. Looking back, I should have packed my weekender bag and left him. He never did anything like that again. However, that day we broke up he said his deal was going bad and that he would probably be flipping tables that week. He ended losing the deal that Wednesday and we broke up that Sunday. Hind sight: His anger/rage is probably his normal behavior and a behavior no one ever sees because everyone believes his facade that he is a healthy, gentle soul, all around good guy. Yes, I chad hosen to not dwell on staying with him but I had to forgive myself last night for not listening to my inner voice and honoring myself. I did this with a meditation using a singing bowl, apologized to my inner child (the little girl) for not taking care of her, and reiki on myself. I need to work on not being so critical and judging myself. It is a journey 🙂

I am not familiar with the concept of forgiving the judgement you have versus forgiving the behavior. Please share, I am very curious.

Best,
Sarah

[Sarah M]

Hi Kanya, Thank you! If you only knew me a few years ago… I was that women who would blame myself for others’ actions/behaviors and make it about me as if it was my fault or I could have done better or something different, but I have worked very hard over the years to realize that people are responsible for their actions and also, it really isn’t about me… It is that healing work that I was able to apply 1st hand in this past relationship — I am glad 🙂

Not really a secret remedy for healing but this is some of what I did/do: One thing I have done is as part of my selflove and selfcare, I made a contract with myself to love myself, be respectful of myself, boundaries, and a few other things… That being said, I do not always get it right, but I made a promise that when I realize I am not honoring myself, I do one or more of the following: Forgive myself, be in gratitude and proud of myself for what I have honored, and reach out to get help/healing/support where and when needed. I needed a contract with myself to hold myself accountable. I even bought a piece of jewelry (e.g. bracelet, earrings or necklace) to signify the contract with myself so every time I see or feel it on me, I am present with my gentle reminder in a loving way. That including meditation (moving energy: releasing/filling) with some random journaling.

I will definitely keep you posted as I create! I am exciting about the additional healing journey and new manifesting I will beginning!
Best,
Sarah

[Sarah M]

Hi Kanya, Thank you very much for your support and compliment! I means a lot to me. I appreciate your support and advice. Both you and Heidi have been invaluable in this process. I was so in the weeds or as the cliche goes… can’t see the forest through the trees… as it relates to him. Truthfully, my heart is still trying to reconcile with my head. However, in this case, my head won, I believe my head is in alignment with my soul… I know, rare huh? Due to the advice, I have been able to shift, gain clarity and tap my inner strength to be good to me, love me while taking the high road and not stooping to his level. While I empathize and sad for him, because when I was with him I saw the goodness and potential, the man and hurt little boy under the facade he allows others to see – I saw him. But you are absolutely correct, he needed to step up and work through what gets in his way.

I am certain he told his life coach and probably read my text to her this morning, they spoke Friday mornings at 8:30. It is hard to believe that was 2 nights ago. I am grieving for other reasons but feel like a weight has been lifted as well. It is amazing that when we were together, he did not play those mind games with me. When he did the mind game, it was a no brainer for me and only confirmed and made it easier for me to sever ties. I promised myself a long time ago, that if a man plays mind games, it is a hard limit and I do not want that in my life. To me those games are a form of abuse, disrespectful and humiliate.

I agree very few have called him on his pattern. I believe the only ones who have been direct and honest to him in his life are his brother and his brother’s girlfriend. Otherwise, no one has probably ever held him accountable. Hopefully, this will open his eyes and he will get the help he needs to begin his healing journey. That being said, you are correct, I am moving forward.

I am hurting but healing. I am in gratitude for how I have grown and that this relationship although it ended, showed me I am able to love, be open and vulnerable, and have left some of my bad habits behind and did not enter into this relationship. I am proud of myself for that. I wish things were different with him because I truly loved him and still do. But I acknowledge that he is a toxic individual which showed me I have more healing and self work to do. I do want to stop caring about him and wish he would realize what he threw away – not to have him back but to understand that his actions hurt another and feel bad about it (I know that is unrealistic and silly). However, I put myself first, I love myself and have worked too hard to get where I am to back peddle. I am very excited about my new journey, getting stronger, healthier and in time meeting someone and having a healthy relationship. I know this will take time. I am trying to focus on the positives, my actions to heal so I do not take a hamster wheel ride in my head trying figure it out about him and keep the toxicity in my life and holding onto harmful/negative repetitive patterns I have that I need to eliminate. I am not ignoring it, I have just spent a little over a month crying and thinking about it and have decided it time that I chose me and to move forward. It is challenging but I am determined.

I know I am repeating myself, but I truly appreciate both you and Heidi for helping me in this. I would not have gained clarity without the advice and techniques.
Sarah

[Sarah M]

Hi Heidi,

Thank you!

Communication at work is very direct. Although it issue and project oriented, my work does not define me and I am focused on what is best for the company, not myself as business is not personal. At work I am driven by accomplishing for a set goal because I need my work to pay bills, experiences and to survive. As it relates to personal relationships, digging in, I guess impacts most when I care about the individuals. If it is an acquaintance, it is easy because I am not taking any risks, so there is no fear of rejection, abandonment, fear of judgement, fear of acceptance. If it is someone I care about or my family, I fear and do not want to lose them in my life because I said something inadvertently or they decided I wasn’t worth it any longer. I do not always struggle with this with all folks, there are a couple of people that are similar spiritual paths that are my tribe – we come from a place of neutrality and love for each other and so I am most comfortable speaking with them.

In romantic relationships, it is a fear of rejection, abandonment, judgement, acceptance and at times deservedness. I have come a long way with my boundaries and communication but those insecurities bubbly up at times. If something terrifies me I try focus to bring myself to a place of neutrality before responding or taking action instead of freezing or running away. I am a survivor and used to taking care of things on my own. The specific challenge is when I need something from that person or if I need help. I need to learn how to feel safe to depend on someone else. When a romantic partner pushes my boundary on some issues, I am very clear in my response. Interesting thing happen last night, He texted me, I responded, he then was giving me compliments about me being compassionate, etc… and I didn’t respond so he continued with ” and am a lot of other great things too” with a winking smiley… Ugh… I responded “really? hmm, thank you” to which he said “Yes! I am not trying to send mixed signals, but of course… I care about you.” I didn’t respond and continued to text it was great to hear from me, he is happy and very proud of me…. I couldn’t hold it in. I felt the need to stop this craziness… so I responded “Wow, I did not know how to respond to your text about mixed signals. FYI, I do not need validation from you about how I am, already know this and my worth. Look we had a strong connection, you may want to refer back to my letter where I wrote about letting go. You have made it very clear you do not want me in your like anymore. I was trying to be nice by responding to you text. But let me be clear, you crossed the line with your mixed signal text. I am not trying to get you back, I I do not chase or beg. WOW, so disrespectful of you. We had a strong connection, however I feel it is best to go our separate ways.” He responded with: ” I apologize”. I am not acknowledging or responding. I want to completely, let him go and heal. I do not believe his sincerity, he doesn’t normally apologize and has this need to be friends with his exes so he can validate himself as the “good guy” — I am not feeding into that milarki. I believe he is being disrespectful and playing games. I do not any part of that.
Yes, I probably said to much in texting him and should have don this in person. But I was so astounding I was reactionary… I wanted him to come to me to speak about us and then see him tell him we should go our separate ways. Anyway, the good news is he hasn’t responded and I do not believe I will hear from him again.
Yes, communication — probably need to work on all of the above..

Thanks,
Sarah

[Sarah M]

HI Heidi,

Yes, I would like to do some deeper work with you. Thank you very much for the offer, I appreciate it. I am ready to go down the rabbit hole and clean some stuff out. I believe the Universe brings things in for our greater good to fill the space of things we let go that do not serve us.

In my old fantasy, my relationship with him could be healed, however, the reality is he has too much work he needs to do on himself before a healthy relationship could occur. I have chosen to be in gratitude for this past relationship because I received the gift of being able to be vulnerable and love, be authentic, be present, communicate, not self-sabotage, not saying things in anger when fighting or the need to defend myself, maintain my integrity and take the high road with grace. I admit in a few past relationships I would get angry and lash out with words to hurt the person for hurting me – not mature, I know, glad that’s long in the past, or I was the princess of self-sabotage when I got scared because I afraid to communicate. Still working on communication because in personal relationships it terrifies me at times (in my career, easy to do).

I have chosen to take care of me, put me first, heal. As such, I have chosen to let him go completely, and not fight for him. My reason why I cannot be friends with him has changed. I cannot be friends with him because it is not healthy for me to have him in my life.

So yes, to reaffirm, I am ready to go down the rabbit hole with you and clean some stuff out. Thank you again!

Best,
Sarah

[Sarah M]

Hi Heidi,
I am willing to go down the rabbit hole. First I want to say I appreciate both your and Kanya’s advice and approaches. I have spent some time reflecting before responding to this because I now realize that there are some issues I thought I had worked through in my past I need to heal more.

To answer the above, If he is a mirror to you, what would you say he is reflecting back to you about yourself? Fear of abandonment, not being seen, no being heard, and not deserving of healthy relationship. (I had done lots of work through the years but it seems I have conquered the anger (feeling like it was my fault and the need to defend myself) but not thought of lack of self-love aspect (I love myself, but allowed disrespect) but have more to work to do. I know work is continuous through life but I had thought I was further along. I have grateful for how far I have come). Do you have a pattern of needing to rescue guys? Do you have a pattern of being attracted to guys who are emotionally unavailable? What’s happening for you that you want to continue to fight for a guy who is clearly quite messy and not able to sustain a relationship? To answer the above 3 questions, yes, I have thought I had broken that pattern, but I realize now that in this past relationship, I was more focused on how he treated me without taking into consideration of the things he shared about his messy life when I peel away the façade he shows the world. I like to be in service and fix things so yes, I had a need to rescue him because I saw goodness he didn’t and wanted him to see what I saw. As to emotionally unavailable, I guess subconsciously, I don’t know what it is to be in a healthy relationship that I go for men who would give me crumbs because that is all I got as a child growing up- that when I had love and was cherished I was uncomfortable and scared because I didn’t know what to do with it. I used to believe that because I didn’t have good relationship role models in my parents (I childhood trauma from mom/dad relationship, they divorced when I was 7 then she remarried when I was 9 and divorced when I was 14 from my stepfather (he and my stepbrother were monsters)), that was why I failed at relationships, then about 8years ago, I saw a therapist before I moved out of state and learned otherwise and made huge leaps in my healing process where it concerned how I showed up in relationships.

Most of the time he made me feel how I want to feel in a relationship (e.g. safe, respected, freedom to be vulnerable, etc….) I like alpha/dominant men, looking back I would say he is not. I realize I have more healing and personal growth ahead of me. I believe this journey never truly ends. Truthfully, as naïve as it sounds, I believed I was at a point in my life where I was ready to share my life with someone and have a relationship. So, I got caught up in the randomness of our meeting, they way he swept me off my feet, they way he treated in the good times, being born on the same day and year, I wanted to think it was divine intervention. He used to put his had on my chest stare in my eyes and say “I see you” I had never told him that I wanted that or thought I showed up that way (He is in sales, and my other friends in sales are honest but his behavior seems to be like a typical cliché). Most people meet me and think I have myself together. Wow, I am not going to say I feel silly or regret, however, I realize that I had tunnel vision instead of being the perceptive woman I usually am I didn’t see from 10Kft like I usually do in situations.

Honestly, I am too tired to rescue someone or be with someone emotionally unavailable, it has never worked before and I want my relationship to be a partnership. What additional advice do you have or introspection do you recommend? Could I work with you? I want to do the work, rabbit holes and all.

Kanya’s advice is great and I will remaining silent and not respond to his texts and email. If I would have known about the drugs and other risky life choices he has participated in before I fell for him, I more likely than not would not have continued to date him because I want to be in a healthy relationship. If he does reach out to speak to me, I may respond with a thank you, but no thank you. Or should I not respond to any of his overtures?
Thank you very much for your coaching and insight.
Sarah

[Sarah M]

Hi Kanya, Thank you for your response. Our relationship felt like warp speed. I went on his pace, which with hindsight, I should not have done. We met at a mutual friends’ dinner party in February. I didn’t even think he was into me that evening, he was socializing more with someone else and I was not there to meet anyone to date, just to have a good time — so being typical me, I socialized with many folks. Anyway, the next morning I woke up with a text from him. He texted me multiple times a day, everyday and began calling me by day 3. We had enjoyed our dates and time together always having fun.

He wanted me to stay with him when our initial shelter-in-place was for 14 days. On day 8, he had cleared closet space, shelving, kitchen space, etc… and told me to bring more essential items over. He said he loves living with me and wants me to move in. I was his girlfriend and we have years before us, we were planning a trip to see his family out of state the morning of the day he told me he wanted to be alone. He bought things for us to organize the bathroom and cleared out his stuff to make room for mine — I did not ever suggest he and I do this — This was all him. In fact, when he told me to bring even more things since we are living together and will be together for years – at that point I suggested that maybe I will only bring a little more more clothes and my favorite knives and instapot since my favorite pan quickly became his favorite tool. He agreed with me because he has a tiny 1bdroom apartment. Additionally, we used to cook together dinners and lunches. However, he like to cook me breakfast every morning. I would cook other meals. FYI, originally, I was living out of a weekender bag because I figured this could go one of two ways and I wanted to be able to bow out gracefully if I needed to. So, I went at his pace, we got along great, he shared our relationship with his life coach, family, friends, work folks. He doesn’t have much control in his life expect for his side hustle, otherwise, he is frustrated with work and other items, he is depressed and at times his mood would shift form being extremely happy to complete silence – he would come up to me and say “I need my headphones and go lay down, will you be ok?” My response was always a variation of “Of course, take care of you. Thank you for letting me know. Is there anything you need from me? Don’t worry, (his nickname),I have plenty to do (eg. write, read, go for a walk, drive), you take care of you.” HE would then after 5 minutes come to me and want to lay down together and such…then afterwards he would be back to normal. We used terms of endearment or honorifics at times, or our names depending. He did drink everyday and do edibles most days and would call him self a functioning alcoholic. Me not so much a drinker and had never had a edible since the 1990s, I do admit I went from no edibles to doing them with him sometimes. We used to laugh all the time, and yes laugh in bed lots too. Looking back, he did do other drugs but not in front of me, I have not been around cocaine or ecstasy or others drugs for almost 30 year (early 20s). We did both have a love of music and other things. He gained weight, a clothing size. I only gained 6lbs, but have not lost a total of 16lb. His friend who is my friend’s friend (they had the party) I know her and met her before I met him. She, my friend and others are Team Sarah as they say because they have never seen him happier or in love before and in an exclusive relationship. When we broke up, all I told my close friends was I was blind-sided, he wants to be alone (2 of them were there when we met and all 3 ladies were there when we did group dates before covid and zoom gatherings during covid. That day, I didn’t go into details. I have since shared as a small group of us have gotten together a couple of times and they agree that I should not be friends with him because I am too raw and said to go radio silent. Also, they are upset because they compared us as couple to look to as an example. They feel I deserve better and he is definitely not what he projects to others, give him all the time as you heal and move on. In fact, at the new moon, we had a ceremony/meditation with a fire pit where afterwards they wanted me to express my anger because they were concerned since I have not said anything negative about him to them — to which I was like, I don’t like him right now, he hurt me, broke me a little but I still love him in my heart; my head and heart are not reconciled; and then I let loose to release speaking like a sailor for a minute about how I felt about his actions and his cowardice to suddenly not communicate when we always had before. Truthfully, if I had not connected with him so easily, fallen in love, I would not have stayed with him he he told me about certain things related to his past prior to that. For example, DUIs/jail time weekends for a long time, prostitutes, all the drugs, bad father when his kids were young, his need for me to show him how to act when he gets more money because he doesn’t know how to act around the wealthy (My advice was to be true to yourself and do not seek validation from anyone to love yourself because you are more than enough. But I could make introductions for him if he would like (he does have money, I am speaking of the next level of social standing), his need for constant validation to feel accepted (he literally plans things to T like using a checklist and he read a handbook or is mimicking a ROMCOM (he loves those), at first I thought it was romantic and adorable but then I noticed it bled into everything from decisions and how he worked in his career, his clothing, what he watches and reads, the lists goes on). It bothered me at times but I know we are all beautifully flawed and have our quirks. We should embrace our flaws because that is our beauty and uniqueness which sets us apart from others. He needs his life coach for every aspect of his life because he doesn’t live authentically. I believe that is where he and I are truly different, he is where I was 10 years ago, I live my life authentically. I feel like he doesn’t believe he deserves love or partnership, he claims he wants it but that is different.

I never mentioned marriage to him, in fact I had told him when we moved into together that I didn’t want to rush things for the next steps because I would like for us to take our time getting to know each other. He asked if I believed I would ever get married again, because he would say things like I could marry you. I would say nothing and look at him kindly. He would ask if I would get married again, to which I said, Wow, this is scary I feel our connection and am enjoying getting to learn all about you, we just moved in together, let’s see where this leads us. This was before we moved in together—He did this the after the first time he told me he loved me, I did not say it back initially — then he got all insecure and changed it to he loves me at this very moment, I just kissed him and said I was falling for him. After living together, I did tell him I loved him as he did me – I am not always expressive but with him, I was vulnerable. We did discuss spending years together as life partners, living together, travelling, we are both too old to have children together.

I can see him overthinking as we are both thinkers. I can also see him making an executive decision because it would be one of the ways he can maintain control in his life. It is disappointing as we had not had any recent conversations marriage involving to two of us, just him telling me we’d be together for years that morning and getting my thoughts on our flight plans for Labor Day weekend. I wish I could pinpoint where I could have triggered him feeling pressure from me. I can see him having a complete conversation/movie/trial in his head. Maybe his mom or someone asked him, who knows, I can’t dwelling on something I have no idea. Although he even said , I did not trigger anything. I know he has trauma from his ex-wife and their marriage and his dad who over died a year ago. I supported him through the anniversary of his dad’s death.

Apologies for wordiness. I just would rather be transparent.

I appreciate your advice. Yes, It has been 8 days since I have responded to him and 7 days since he emailed be how he appreciates me and such. It is hard but I will remain radio silent towards him. And if he does reach out again, I will not text about the relationship, suggest meeting somewhere, and be positive. What do I say if he does contact me to speak and agrees to meet me? Also, if he texts, do I respond? and what do I say? I am too overwhelmed and close to this and need spoon feeding at this point.

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